When to start dating again?

[AnyaNova]

I am torn on this. As part of my recovery, I have been participating in some online dating sites, and when I can, forcing myself to do some real in person flirting (which is totally not my personality, usually to do so at all, but it is good for me and good practice).

 

There is a guy who I have been texting, and (though I will need to let him know that I need to go much slower, since he was already talking the possibility of a relationship) I know that I am definitely not ready for a relationship, and that from this time forward, I need to wait longer than I have in the past, just so that I really know the guy before I do.

 

I know that I wasn't over the last guy, completely, before I started seeing my ex. Those first couple of dates really did help clear out the last of the previous guy's cobwebs. And I had no feelings for the previous guy when I agreed to see my ex exclusively (ha, EX-clusively... :-p).

 

I know my relationship with my ex was not a rebound, because I never once was disappointed that he acted like himself, instead of previous guy. I guess, especially, for those of you who have seen my progress and might be more objective, do you think I might be ready for some light dating?

 

Positive signs (from my subjective viewpoint)

1) I can picture my ex with another woman, still, and not feel much.

2) I remember various dynamics and interactions with my ex, that highly suggest that not only does he have some attachment issues, but that he may very well be a lost little boy in the body of a full grown man. And I know that even though he is not too fragile for a relationship, which I think he thinks he is, he is not ready for one right now.

3) I know that I don't want to "be" my ex's mommy. And I really think I was starting to get cast in that role.

4)I know I don't want that plate with my ex with all the cracks and crazy glue. Not the one that he broke.

5) It is sad that he is so in need. Unfortunately I know that I cannot give him what he needs.

 

Signs against (in my subjective viewpoint)

 

1)If I see a car while driving that looks like his, even though I live in a different town, a part of my brain perks up wondering if he is coming to see me, even though I know he isn't.

 

2)Still have occasional "comes back to me" fantasies.

3) Still feel like I do love him, at least a little bit.

4) Still know that I would not quite be ready to hear that he is actually dating someone else, even though I can picture him with another woman.

5) Still wish that he could be emotionally a man, as well as chronologically, so that we could have something. But I know that this will take much longer than I want to wait for.

 

Your thoughts? I know I am not ready to jump into any relationships, and will be wary now from jumping into any without taking more time to really get to know the person. But do you think I am ready for light dating?

Edited September 27, 2013 by AnyaNova

[keepontruckin]

Only you know when you are ready.

 

I say this only because people are different. Some people tend to look harder for dates/relationships, while others don't look at all and tend to wait for things to happen to them...

 

I suppose in the end you can only do what you feel is right for yourself, and nobody is really in a place to dictate what you should, or should not, do...

 

I drive 10 over the speed limit. Others drive 10 under. Who's wrong? Depends on whom you ask...

[candie13]

hey, you seem to be doing pretty well. How long since the break up?

 

It's good that you are aware of your thoughts and your degree of "healing" since your ex. But you may be overthinking it. Basically, by thinking too much about your ex and your previous relationship, you are keeping it alive, inside your head.

 

Why don't you just go outside and get some phone numbers? Meet people, real people who ask you out on real dates. And I don't mean one guy on one date. Several. Who said anything about a relationship? Just get some attention from some new guys. That'll keep you busy and it will make you enjoy today, instead of reliving your past over and over again, inside your head. In addition to that, you get to compare and contrast other people, different characters, different needs, different ways of thinking. Hey, you may even ... have fun !

 

Right now, it sounds like you're still deeply on ex bf land. Pack up and leave, girl, so many other amazing people out there, who can treat you right and give you what you want... Don't be afraid to explore, even if you haven't totally let go of your ex. No one's perfect. In time, that will come as well.

 

best of luck