nescafe1982 Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 I don't know who you thought was attacking you, OP, but that was not the intention of my post FWIW. "Unconventional" relationships are fine and good as long as both parties are perfectly happy and satisfied with them. I think the real kicker about your present situation is that it highlights that one (or both) or you have different, or new, desires and expectations. I think the general point is that rather than focusing on the situation with the ex (that whole thing sounds like a potential trainwreck), this is the time for you guys to talk about... you guys. Yes, "red herring" is a great way of putting it. Edit to add: yes, what you say in your last post is spot on. He needs to gauge his needs and get at why this ex-situation threw him through a loop. If he needs kids and needs them now (and you absolutely know you do not want them now or soon), then you guys will have to figure out what to do next.
Maleficent Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 *UPDATE* I found out something which helps this make a little more sense - apparently this woman is "basically a lesbian", like her dating experience with my BF was her one real experience with hetero dating then she went back to chicks. My BF never told me that before but it makes sense with the style of their relationship I've seen. So apparently this woman was recently in a lesbian relationship for a few years, but the issue of kids came up, scared the other partner off, and now the woman is single, still wants kids and is looking to male friends for help. This makes me understand their relationship more and why she's asking but it doesn't help me accept the idea of my BF donating sperm. He and I have had a couple long conversations about it by now and he understands that I am seriously turned off, could be a dealbreaker for us. He said he gets where I coming from but he also explained just what I thought, that he doesn't want to miss his opportunity to be a father and he's wondering if this is it. We haven't yet had the convo about the bigger issues that this whole sperm situation is forcing us to look at - about our future and where we're headed. This has been a nice easygoing relationship with both us having some independence but it looks like we now to question that because this psycho lesbian ex wants a baby!! I'm going to be harsh here and I apologize in advance. Honey, feel free to rationalize in any way that helps you sleep at night. Get ready to get your heart broken though. He can't be somewhat a little involved in his son's life. It's scientifically proven that there is a very strong link that develop between a child and the parents in the first year. He will, eventually want to be more involved and you'll be stuck in the role of the step mother.
jcrew11 Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 Anyway a few weeks ago he came to me and was like "My ex is crazy, she wants me to give her sperm so she can have a kid!" He was stunned/laughing about that. I learned that she'd sent him a long serious letter proposing this, because she wants to be a mom, is OK doing that single, and for various reasons would prefer he be the donor rather than a sperm bank or whatever. So at first this was just a joke, like how crazy it was, then over time he's been thinking more seriously about it! They ended on good terms, they are friendly and he says he would really like to help her out. But also, he says he would like to play a limited father role to the kid, i.e. like a divorced dad would. I can tell he's considering if this is his one shot to be a father. I am appalled by all of this and I think I'd have to break up with him if he goes forward with it. Right? But the thing is, Im also not at a point where I can say "Hey I want to get married to you and have your babies" so I don't feel I stamp my foot down on this as hard as I want. If I give an ultimatum I feel like I should have more to back me up. HELP!!?! This seems like a perfectly fine request. A 35 year old woman wants to have a baby, and can financially support herself and the child. In five years, she will not be able to have children, and she probably won't be married by then either. She can have a baby from a man who's not a stranger and has decent DNA. Plus, if she knows the biological father, he can help in health emergencies. I think the OP is just worried that her BF will leave her to be with his newborn son. If the BF wants children, and many men also want to have as many children as possible, then the OP may want to get pregnant herself. But the BF gets a baby, without needing to spend sleepless nights raising the kid.
jcrew11 Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 I don't know who you thought was attacking you, OP, but that was not the intention of my post FWIW. "Unconventional" relationships are fine and good as long as both parties are perfectly happy and satisfied with them. I think the real kicker about your present situation is that it highlights that one (or both) or you have different, or new, desires and expectations. I think the general point is that rather than focusing on the situation with the ex (that whole thing sounds like a potential trainwreck), this is the time for you guys to talk about... you guys. Yes, "red herring" is a great way of putting it. Edit to add: yes, what you say in your last post is spot on. He needs to gauge his needs and get at why this ex-situation threw him through a loop. If he needs kids and needs them now (and you absolutely know you do not want them now or soon), then you guys will have to figure out what to do next. There are many gay couples and lesbian couples, and divorced couples that survive by using friend's sperm and raising another "person's" child. We live in a modern society, where it is perfectly okay for childern to be born outside of marriage, and for men to have different baby mamas. Why should the OP deny another woman's chance to have a biological child? Besides the OP is not Married, so if she really cares about her BF, then they should get married. She doesn't have the right to tell her BF that he can't donate his Sperm to another woman.
jcrew11 Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 (edited) My BF and I make a point of not talking much about our exes. I personally don't want to hear much about it and I've stopped that conversation train in its tracks a couple times before. I knew of this woman, I knew they were in touch, but I didn't have the details and I was fine with that until now. So I don't blame him for not telling me about her lesbian stuff. He also confessed that he was a little embarassed about it for some reason? However as of last night I made it totally clear to him that if he does go forward with this that I will have no choice but to bail. He understands that and as of last night seems on the same page that this can't happen. But the strain that this has put on our relationship can't be erased and you better believe I resent his ex-GF for that. I am fighting the urge to message her on FB and tell her off. She showed zero respect for me and my BF's present relationship. If you don't want kids, then why you are so upset at your BF for wanting to have children with another woman? The BF can just impregnate the ex-GF without your knowledge, and then you can decide whether or not to leave him. Edited October 1, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Phantom888 Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 This is just ridiculous. Why would your BF even consider this? It's almost like he's taking a baby's life too lightly.
jcrew11 Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 This is just ridiculous. Why would your BF even consider this? It's almost like he's taking a baby's life too lightly. The BF is 35 years old - he's definitely capable of having children if he wants to and taking care of any child if the need arises. How many woman have a desire to get married and have children before they turn 35 years old? Test-tube babies and single moms are perfectly acceptable in today's society. I think anyone who disagrees wants to return to "traditional conservatism of straight marriage and banning divorce" - there would be no difference if the BF was just another single divorced dad.
nescafe1982 Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 The BF is 35 years old - he's definitely capable of having children if he wants to and taking care of any child if the need arises. How many woman have a desire to get married and have children before they turn 35 years old? Test-tube babies and single moms are perfectly acceptable in today's society. I think anyone who disagrees wants to return to "traditional conservatism of straight marriage and banning divorce" - there would be no difference if the BF was just another single divorced dad. I think the issue is that this woman is an ex, jcrew. I haven't seen anyone bashing single parenthood so much as raising legitimate concerns about the OP's boyfriend a) getting legally covered and/or b)discussing his relationship with OP. Of course there's nothing wrong with a woman wanting to have a child. And of course there's nothing wrong with a man wanting it, either. But you have to admit this is pretty complex, potentially treacherous set of circumstances.
Els Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 She showed zero respect for me and my BF's present relationship. How odd. This was exactly what I was thinking - except about your BF, not her.... Frankly, I think you're just making excuses for him at this point. I don't even know in what world this would be okay, except perhaps that which exists under bridges.
jcrew11 Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 I think the issue is that this woman is an ex, jcrew. I haven't seen anyone bashing single parenthood so much as raising legitimate concerns about the OP's boyfriend a) getting legally covered and/or b)discussing his relationship with OP. I think the OP is frankly feeling threatened that the Ex-GF will try to steal the BF away from her. But the OP is not married and does not want kids. The only real concern is how much the BF needs to contribute financially if the baby needs child support. I think the OP really is just asking herself if she wants to marry this BF and have his children. If she DOES NOT want children or marriage, then she should not get in the way of her BF allowing his Ex to have his baby. If the BF sees this as his only chance to procreate and create life, then he needs to pursue this before he gets older. I think the OP is being incredibly selfish, and not thinking about how people's goals of procreation change when they get to be over 35.
serial muse Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 I think the OP is frankly feeling threatened that the Ex-GF will try to steal the BF away from her. But the OP is not married and does not want kids. The only real concern is how much the BF needs to contribute financially if the baby needs child support. I think the OP really is just asking herself if she wants to marry this BF and have his children. If she DOES NOT want children or marriage, then she should not get in the way of her BF allowing his Ex to have his baby. If the BF sees this as his only chance to procreate and create life, then he needs to pursue this before he gets older. I think the OP is being incredibly selfish, and not thinking about how people's goals of procreation change when they get to be over 35. Interesting perspective. I'd argue, however, that it is perfectly obvious that the OP and her BF were apparently on the same page about things until this this potential snag popped up. You're being unnecessarily harsh on her for being thrown by it. Anyone would be thrown by it. That's a given. At issue is what it has cast light on, which perhaps was previously hidden. Namely, the BF's latent desire for children. The OP resents the exGF for casting that light and forcing the issue. I think that's probably natural, but a bit unfair. The OP says she didn't want to have to make these decisions so soon in what is essentially a long-distance, somewhat casual relationship, and it's reasonable to feel that way, just as it's reasonable for the BF to feel that things aren't perhaps moving in a direction he wants them to. But those feelings exist, regardless of the catalyst for bringing them to the fore. So at this point, it's simply his responsibility to talk about his needs with his current partner. The BF is apparently fine with not donating his sperm and sees the inherent issues there; the question that matters now is what he wants from his current relationship. They may not end up on the same page about things, but sometimes life forces you to make up your mind. Nothing wrong with that. 2
2sure Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 I'm sure he is beyond flattered. Men are really into their sperm. Have him speak to an attorney who will research current findings. He won't do it. 1
GorillaTheater Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 I'm sure he is beyond flattered. Men are really into their sperm. It's undeniable. I felt like I won a major competition when I made the cut to be a sperm donor. "That's right. My sperm sooooo rocks." 1
Author HeartofSilver Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 I think the OP is frankly feeling threatened that the Ex-GF will try to steal the BF away from her. But the OP is not married and does not want kids. The only real concern is how much the BF needs to contribute financially if the baby needs child support. I think the OP really is just asking herself if she wants to marry this BF and have his children. If she DOES NOT want children or marriage, then she should not get in the way of her BF allowing his Ex to have his baby. If the BF sees this as his only chance to procreate and create life, then he needs to pursue this before he gets older. I think the OP is being incredibly selfish, and not thinking about how people's goals of procreation change when they get to be over 35. Uhhhh let me get this straight: A woman I don't even know comes out of the woodwork with a crazy proposal that manipulates the mind of the man I'm in love with ... and now I'm supposed to step aside so to make way for the greater good of "creating new life"? What happened to the value of OUR relationship? What happened to our right to make our own decisions about our future, without having an outsider's demands dictate them? Do you really think this woman has the right to swoop in and all of a sudden have more sway over my own boyfriend's decisions than I do? Also, why am I getting picking up on some weird Christian fundamentalism here? You do realize this child is only a fuzzy concept, right now, right -- not a fetus to be aborted? Also if you are Christian do you also realize that this potential mother is a Bible-violating homosexual right?
crederer Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 It's definately flattering when someone wants your sperm. They're basically saying that they think you're genetically superior to other people. However, if I were you OP, I'd......(click the link) Homer Simpson - Bush Gif 1
darkmoon Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 she is working a number, please stop thinking she is crazy, she is very clever, he must drop her, you come first, now
almond Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 (edited) Uhhhh let me get this straight: A woman I don't even know comes out of the woodwork with a crazy proposal that manipulates the mind of the man I'm in love with ... and now I'm supposed to step aside so to make way for the greater good of "creating new life"? "Manipulates the mind of the man I'm in love with?" Really? She made a "crazy proposal," sure. But do you really have so little faith in your partner? Is he truly so easily "manipulated" and weak-minded? He is more responsible for this than you are allowing yourself to realise. What happened to the value of OUR relationship? What happened to our right to make our own decisions about our future, without having an outsider's demands dictate them? Your partner didn't respect it, or a communication issue between you blurred the lines and he felt that this was okay. She didn't demand anything, she asked your boyfriend for something, and he considered it. If he had rejected the idea immediately, this wouldn't have been an issue. He didn't. That has nothing to do with any outsiders. Do you really think this woman has the right to swoop in and all of a sudden have more sway over my own boyfriend's decisions than I do? No. But the fact that she apparently has more sway over his decisions than you do, once again, has absolutely nothing to do with her. Also, why am I getting picking up on some weird Christian fundamentalism here? You do realize this child is only a fuzzy concept, right now, right -- not a fetus to be aborted? Also if you are Christian do you also realize that this potential mother is a Bible-violating homosexual right? Right. Comments in bold. OP, open your eyes. You cannot place all the blame on this woman and demonize her for your boyfriend's feelings and actions. Be rational. This reads like the betrayed partners who blame the other woman 110%, refusing to acknowledge their partner's active role in the situation. Edited October 2, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
jcrew11 Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 Uhhhh let me get this straight: A woman I don't even know comes out of the woodwork with a crazy proposal that manipulates the mind of the man I'm in love with ... and now I'm supposed to step aside so to make way for the greater good of "creating new life"? What happened to the value of OUR relationship? What happened to our right to make our own decisions about our future, without having an outsider's demands dictate them? Do you really think this woman has the right to swoop in and all of a sudden have more sway over my own boyfriend's decisions than I do? Also, why am I getting picking up on some weird Christian fundamentalism here? You do realize this child is only a fuzzy concept, right now, right -- not a fetus to be aborted? Also if you are Christian do you also realize that this potential mother is a Bible-violating homosexual right? I think the OP needs a wake up call on "her so-called relationship." She is NOT MARRIED or even LIVING with her 35 year old boyfriend. He is obviously at a stage in his life that he is considering having children. Would it be okay for the BF to donate his sperm to a complete stranger or sperm bank? I think the OP is upset because she is "territorial about her boyfriend" and "wants to keep him even though they don't live together." Men also don't realize the energy it takes to raise a child, and its very appealing to be the "cool weekend dad" who doesn't have to deal with any real baby problems. But he is 35 years old and NOT MARRIED, and he can do whatever he wants with his sperm. He can also date whoever he wants or even have multiple girlfriends. This man has an old friendship with this ex-GF, and if this is the one chance that this ex-GF has at having a child, then I think it would be wonderful for him to provide his ex-GF with the happiness that she is missing from her life. The OP is just jealous that this "future baby" will get more attention from her quasi-boyfriend, than what he would devote to her. The OP would never even see the baby, so she has nothing to worry about.
Els Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 OP, why are you only responding to the one and only person here who is saying that what your bf is doing is okay? I don't understand who you are trying to convince. It's like you're purposefully trying to find someone to argue with... and someone other than your bf to blame. It's okay that you're not okay with this. It's NOT okay for your bf to do this without taking your feelings into consideration. He can very well tell her to go and get it from a sperm bank. It's not that expensive and if someone can't afford to pay a sperm bank, they sure as hell can't afford to raise a child. Stop blaming the other woman (and arguing with the one and only poster here who thinks it's okay) and stand up to your bf already.
jcrew11 Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 OP, why are you only responding to the one and only person here who is saying that what your bf is doing is okay? I don't understand who you are trying to convince. It's like you're purposefully trying to find someone to argue with... and someone other than your bf to blame. It's okay that you're not okay with this. It's NOT okay for your bf to do this without taking your feelings into consideration. He can very well tell her to go and get it from a sperm bank. It's not that expensive and if someone can't afford to pay a sperm bank, they sure as hell can't afford to raise a child. Stop blaming the other woman (and arguing with the one and only poster here who thinks it's okay) and stand up to your bf already. I wonder why the OP is so angry. Would she also be against dating single Dads because she doesn't want to be a stepmom or have the baggage of children. I think the OP is just "very conservative" or "very insecure" since she says she hasn't dated anyone since college and this is her first "real life boyfriend." The fact that she is also not even married to this guy, raises a lot of red flags about the viability of this relationship. Clearly, the BF is much older and is ready to have kids, with someone else. And the OP feels threatened that she will lose her BF. I think its time to stop having casual sex, and figure out her future plans, either alone or with a new boyfriend.
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