Uhhh... my BF wants to donate sperm to his ex??

[SilentVoice]

Do you not want kids?

There has to be a reason why he is looking for this outside of his relationship.

Not saying you should be ready to have a kid with him.

I just don't his last chance to being a dad comments.

Edited September 30, 2013 by SilentVoice

[soccerrprp]

*UPDATE*

 

I found out something which helps this make a little more sense - apparently this woman is "basically a lesbian", like her dating experience with my BF was her one real experience with hetero dating then she went back to chicks. My BF never told me that before but it makes sense with the style of their relationship I've seen.

 

So apparently this woman was recently in a lesbian relationship for a few years, but the issue of kids came up, scared the other partner off, and now the woman is single, still wants kids and is looking to male friends for help.

 

This makes me understand their relationship more and why she's asking but it doesn't help me accept the idea of my BF donating sperm. He and I have had a couple long conversations about it by now and he understands that I am seriously turned off, could be a dealbreaker for us. He said he gets where I coming from but he also explained just what I thought, that he doesn't want to miss his opportunity to be a father and he's wondering if this is it.

 

We haven't yet had the convo about the bigger issues that this whole sperm situation is forcing us to look at - about our future and where we're headed. This has been a nice easygoing relationship with both us having some independence but it looks like we now to question that because this psycho lesbian ex wants a baby!!

 

"Basically" a lesbian. She is or she's not. I would say not. She had a relationship with a guy, so she's a heterosexual woman experimenting IMO. Anyway, this would be unacceptable if it were me.

[emva07]

*UPDATE*

 

I found out something which helps this make a little more sense - apparently this woman is "basically a lesbian", like her dating experience with my BF was her one real experience with hetero dating then she went back to chicks. My BF never told me that before but it makes sense with the style of their relationship I've seen.

 

So apparently this woman was recently in a lesbian relationship for a few years, but the issue of kids came up, scared the other partner off, and now the woman is single, still wants kids and is looking to male friends for help.

 

This makes me understand their relationship more and why she's asking but it doesn't help me accept the idea of my BF donating sperm. He and I have had a couple long conversations about it by now and he understands that I am seriously turned off, could be a dealbreaker for us. He said he gets where I coming from but he also explained just what I thought, that he doesn't want to miss his opportunity to be a father and he's wondering if this is it.

 

We haven't yet had the convo about the bigger issues that this whole sperm situation is forcing us to look at - about our future and where we're headed. This has been a nice easygoing relationship with both us having some independence but it looks like we now to question that because this psycho lesbian ex wants a baby!!

 

Oh so nowwwwwwwww it's ok. LOL, she could be lying so he blindly does it without the proper procedure and then gets hit with that child support. Or one day she can easily switch back to being straight. There are evil women out there.

 

This is bad news bears.

[HeartofSilver]

I don't know if I want kids in general and I'm also not sure I want to do the marriage/kids thing with him specifically. Like I said this has been a really loose, easygoing relationship and I guess we haven't put those pressures on ourselves yet. We don't live together, we see each other about 3 x week, and this has been fine for us both because we also both need to do our own thing.

 

I guess this sperm idea is forcing my BF to think about his status in life and whether he wants to have children, and he's questioning whether this situation with me will ever lead to that place. He's 7 yrs older than me so his frame of mind is a little different than mine (altho we may have similar maturity levels.)

 

I do NOT feel ready to make a marriage/kids commitment to him. Yet I also do NOT feel comfortable continuing to date him if he proceeds with this sperm donation bull****. Dealbreaker for me.

 

We'ree going to talk it over more. The good news is that it does seem that my BF is viewing his ex's request as kinda crazy... like he wants to help her out and he likes the idea of it but he sees there will be so many ridiculous complications outside of his control. Right now it seems that he would be rejecting this idea. But regardless of that it has given him some tough stuff to think about with OUR relationship so the dynamic is changed.

[coolheadal]

Move on, find someone else. If he does this then your intent is to leave him. To friendly with his Ex. If he does this, it's going to be EX, HIM, KID and YOU? Is this how you want to live for the rest of your life with that. It's not your KID and never will be. If you want to live like this you can go right ahead, but it sounds like you don't. Sounds like he wants to do anything for his EX and you seem to come second to him. Again not good sign. LEAVE WHILE YOU CAN!

[FitChick]

I'd say leave him. If you think you might want to marry him in the near future (you should know after two years) tell him that you will go along with his plan IF he goes through an attorney and/or clinic to ensure he isn't legally responsible for child support. That way he could give a little extra money if he felt like it and get the go boost of a kid without the responsibility.

 

Otherwise this woman could make him pay and then meet another man or woman and get married and bar him from seeing the kid.

[phineas]

*UPDATE*

 

I found out something which helps this make a little more sense - apparently this woman is "basically a lesbian", like her dating experience with my BF was her one real experience with hetero dating then she went back to chicks. My BF never told me that before but it makes sense with the style of their relationship I've seen.

 

So apparently this woman was recently in a lesbian relationship for a few years, but the issue of kids came up, scared the other partner off, and now the woman is single, still wants kids and is looking to male friends for help.

 

This makes me understand their relationship more and why she's asking but it doesn't help me accept the idea of my BF donating sperm. He and I have had a couple long conversations about it by now and he understands that I am seriously turned off, could be a dealbreaker for us. He said he gets where I coming from but he also explained just what I thought, that he doesn't want to miss his opportunity to be a father and he's wondering if this is it.

 

We haven't yet had the convo about the bigger issues that this whole sperm situation is forcing us to look at - about our future and where we're headed. This has been a nice easygoing relationship with both us having some independence but it looks like we now to question that because this psycho lesbian ex wants a baby!!

 

 

so?

It doesn't matter what she is.

If he rubs one out into a zip-lock bag for her & she gets pregnant he is still financially responsible for the child unless it it passed off to a dr. first.

 

as I read in one article on this, if there is a bank account attached to the DNA, the state will find it.

Or something like that.

[Mascara]

Unless you donate as a recognised donor in a medical capacity, I'm pretty sure that in most places you can't just "sign away" your financial obligations.

 

This is because child support is officially for the child - and you can't decide on their behalf.

 

And what kind of awful person makes the active decision not to be involved very much?? It's one thing when relationships go wrong and there's no choice, but to make the decision to bring a child into the world fully intending to not be much of a parent is terrible. Which means that either your boyfriend will be an absent father, or he'll be fully involved in this child's life.

 

Which one of those scenarios did you envisage when you got together?

[SoleMate]

You've been dating him 2 years and you JUST learned that his ex, who he still talks to, is a "sort of" lesbian? Hmmmmm. Maybe it's just me, but that is something I would have expected to know a lot sooner....IFF it were true.

[HeartofSilver]

My BF and I make a point of not talking much about our exes. I personally don't want to hear much about it and I've stopped that conversation train in its tracks a couple times before. I knew of this woman, I knew they were in touch, but I didn't have the details and I was fine with that until now. So I don't blame him for not telling me about her lesbian stuff. He also confessed that he was a little embarassed about it for some reason?

 

However as of last night I made it totally clear to him that if he does go forward with this that I will have no choice but to bail. He understands that and as of last night seems on the same page that this can't happen.

 

But the strain that this has put on our relationship can't be erased and you better believe I resent his ex-GF for that. I am fighting the urge to message her on FB and tell her off. She showed zero respect for me and my BF's present relationship.

[Art_Critic]

he needs to stop speaking or contacting his ex at this point, any more contact is showing a lack of respect for you.

 

The more you post about the guy the more he sounds like a complete douche, why are you with him ?

[Art_Critic]

She showed zero respect for me and my BF's present relationship.

 

You have this part wrong in what concerns you, your BF showed zero respect for you as well, even continuing the conversation is horribly disrespectful.

 

She isn't to blame at this point, it all lies on his shoulders, if he had kept proper boundaries you wouldn't be where you are with him today.

[2sunny]

Even IF you stay with him - know that he's given evidence that he has poor boundaries.

 

 

 

Unless she tells you that she's gay - don't believe it. And since he doesn't allow you to meet her/know her and her lifestyle - it's hard to believe.

[HeartofSilver]

It wasn't my BF's fault that he got this letter, and I don't even consider it his fault that he started thinking about it, that's what the letter was designed to make him do. It IS his fault that he started taking it seriously and even discussing it with me while showing no respect for what that could mean for the outcome of our own relationship.

 

He's behaved like a fool. I sincerely don't believe he meant any harm but he didn't respond to this sensitively or carefully and I do have anger over that. Our relationship is definitely on a shakier ground right now.

 

I haven't used this thread to talk about my BF's better qualities, but they are there and there are good reasons we're together. I think this whole ****show can be forgiven over time, but not forgotten.

[Art_Critic]

Is he still in contact with her ? if yes then there is your answer to whether or not he will continue to disrespect you, oh.. and the letter.. his fault..remember when I said it is boundaries that got you to this point ?.. if he had left the ex and been putting all his time and effort into you then she wouldn't have sent the letter.. get it yet ? he caused all of this...

 

Either way.. good luck...

[2sunny]

The letter - at first he described being shocked - thought it was funny - then started seriously considering her "crazy request" from him.

 

 

This guy doesn't acknowledge boundaries or attempt to show his true emotions clearly and directly.

 

A "shocked" man with healthy boundaries - with this request would state "hell no!" And show his actions support that answer by never speaking to her again!

 

But that's not what he did - that's not what he's said.

 

He's weak and maliable. I could never respect a guy like that.

[nescafe1982]

OP, I think you're absolutely right about this:

 

We haven't yet had the convo about the bigger issues that this whole sperm situation is forcing us to look at - about our future and where we're headed. This has been a nice easygoing relationship with both us having some independence but it looks like we now to question that.

 

At your age (and his), the pressure on a long-term relationship to advance or end is much greater after that 2 year point. Even if you've wanted to keep it "light and airy" with no real commitment, it seems clear to your BF that he wants something else. He wants a future.... you're not certain, but it sounds to me like you need to start giving it some thought.

 

This scenario concerns me most on your behalf because it seems like this "sperm-donation" fiasco might not have been a fiasco if your BF was, well, ALLOWED to think about the future with you. I don't know how much future talk you two have done before this, but you make it sound pretty clear here that you have not allowed him to entertain what is a very natural progression of a romantic relationship. That's a bit stifling, if a marriage/kids is truly what he wants.

 

My opinion? If you do not want to do the marriage/kids thing after 2 years, and he does, they you need to get out of his way. It hurts to leave someone you love, but you can't keep asking him to not pursue what he wants because you haven't made it a priority to think about yet.

 

Otherwise, some crazy ex-girlfriend is going to offer him an opportunity like this, and no matter how ill-advised, it's going to look attractive.

 

Yes, it's time to think about your future, to make a decision about whether this man is in yours. Avoiding that decision only gets more difficult as you get older.

[cif]

My BF and I make a point of not talking much about our exes. I personally don't want to hear much about it and I've stopped that conversation train in its tracks a couple times before. I knew of this woman, I knew they were in touch, but I didn't have the details and I was fine with that until now. So I don't blame him for not telling me about her lesbian stuff. He also confessed that he was a little embarassed about it for some reason?

 

Not speaking of exes *only* makes sense if both parties are in NC. However, if they have an ongoing reltionship YOU are the one left out of the loop by not discussing her. She was his ex, now a friend(?) ..if she's n his life she needs to be in yours as well. hulu.com

 

However as of last night I made it totally clear to him that if he does go forward with this that I will have no choice but to bail. He understands that and as of last night seems on the same page that this can't happen.

 

So basically you shut down a legit convo because it makes you uncomfortable?

 

But the strain that this has put on our relationship can't be erased and you better believe I resent his ex-GF for that. I am fighting the urge to message her on FB and tell her off. She showed zero respect for me and my BF's present relationship.

 

Why message her when you're pretending she doesn't exist?

 

comments in bold

[cif]

It wasn't my BF's fault that he got this letter, and I don't even consider it his fault that he started thinking about it, that's what the letter was designed to make him do. It IS his fault that he started taking it seriously and even discussing it with me while showing no respect for what that could mean for the outcome of our own relationship.

 

He's behaved like a fool. I sincerely don't believe he meant any harm but he didn't respond to this sensitively or carefully and I do have anger over that. Our relationship is definitely on a shakier ground right now.

 

I haven't used this thread to talk about my BF's better qualities, but they are there and there are good reasons we're together. I think this whole ****show can be forgiven over time, but not forgotten.

 

What exactly has your BF done wrong? Contemplating fatherhood? Forget his ex for a moment. He is trying to tell you that he wants a child before "his train" passes... are you listening? You are rug sweeping the bigger issues here.

[serial muse]

What exactly has your BF done wrong? Contemplating fatherhood? Forget his ex for a moment. He is trying to tell you that he wants a child before "his train" passes... are you listening? You are rug sweeping the bigger issues here.

 

Seems to me that if that's really what he's trying to tell her, using this ex-GF's request as an opportunity to hint around at it is a pretty immature, passive-aggressive (even manipulative) move.

 

He could have just as easily turned to the OP and said, "honey, all this talk about fatherhood is making me rethink my own timeline, and what I want for us." How much simpler the direct approach is!

 

And it's bizarre that he would consider this opportunity to donate sperm to an ex as his last chance at fatherhood...at 34 years old. Even if he is just experiencing panic, this is an odd way of bringing it up/dealing with it.

 

So many other directions such a discussion could have gone, had he wanted to open that door with his current partner in a thoughtful way.

Edited September 30, 2013 by serial muse

[cif]

Seems to me that if that's really what he's trying to tell her, using this ex-GF's request as an opportunity to hint around at it is a pretty immature, passive-aggressive (even manipulative) move.

 

He could have just as easily turned to the OP and said, "honey, all this talk about fatherhood is making me rethink my own timeline, and what I want for us." How much simpler the direct approach is!

 

And it's bizarre that he would consider this opportunity to donate sperm to an ex as his last chance at fatherhood...at 34 years old. Even if he is just experiencing panic, this is an odd way of bringing it up/dealing with it.

 

So many other directions such a discussion could have gone, had he wanted to open that door with his current partner in a thoughtful way.

 

Yes, I thought it was odd also. I'm guessing they have communication issues. Just wish the OP could see this before it's too late.

[HeartofSilver]

All these points are noted, and yes, I guess I do need to think more seriously about whether I want marriage/kids with my BF if this seems to be more firmly on his "to do list."

 

But some of the comments here seem to be attacking me and what I've described as our kind of loose and non-conventional relationship. I don't think we've done anything "wrong" by having this style of relationship... it has worked for us. We started off as friends, fell into things pretty casually, and seven months of our dating was long distance. We also now live 40 minutes apart (though in the same city region). We have different hobbies, different circles of friends but that doesn't mean we don't meet in the middle in a very nice place. It has been a fun and loving relationship so far.

 

I am the type who would be fine with not marrying and just living with someone. My boyfriend is also not really the white picket fence type as you can see from the fact that he dated a lesbian before me??

 

I think this whole proposal from the ex slanted things in a new way for both of us and as I said I do not appreciate that. I think we had more time where we could have been just enjoying each other and not stressing out. This has changed things.

[serial muse]

All these points are noted, and yes, I guess I do need to think more seriously about whether I want marriage/kids with my BF if this seems to be more firmly on his "to do list."

 

But some of the comments here seem to be attacking me and what I've described as our kind of loose and non-conventional relationship. I don't think we've done anything "wrong" by having this style of relationship... it has worked for us. We started off as friends, fell into things pretty casually, and seven months of our dating was long distance. We also now live 40 minutes apart (though in the same city region). We have different hobbies, different circles of friends but that doesn't mean we don't meet in the middle in a very nice place. It has been a fun and loving relationship so far.

 

I am the type who would be fine with not marrying and just living with someone. My boyfriend is also not really the white picket fence type as you can see from the fact that he dated a lesbian before me??

 

I think this whole proposal from the ex slanted things in a new way for both of us and as I said I do not appreciate that. I think we had more time where we could have been just enjoying each other and not stressing out. This has changed things.

 

I'm not sure what you perceive as attacking...I certainly wasn't attacking you. But I think it's true that the exGF is not the whole source of the problem here, and at this point she's kind of a red herring. Even if your BF is thinking more seriously about fatherhood, and wanting to re-assess your future together, there are plenty of ways he could have brought that up to you that wouldn't involve a third person. That he didn't is what I think it odd; of course, perhaps he hadn't realized himself until this happened that this is something he wants. That said, it's still on him to figure out how to talk about it with you.

 

So this isn't about white picket fences or conventional relationships at all; it's about communication. Perhaps it's a blessing in disguise; you are facing things that you don't want to face...but apparently he does. It's reasonable, given the difference in your ages and potentially in your readiness for kids and "settling down". But regardless, it's better to have it out in the open than under the surface, creating resentment.

[HeartofSilver]

I'm not sure what you perceive as attacking...I certainly wasn't attacking you. But I think it's true that the exGF is not the whole source of the problem here, and at this point she's kind of a red herring. Even if your BF is thinking more seriously about fatherhood, and wanting to re-assess your future together, there are plenty of ways he could have brought that up to you that wouldn't involve a third person. That he didn't is what I think it odd; of course, perhaps he hadn't realized himself until this happened that this is something he wants. That said, it's still on him to figure out how to talk about it with you.

 

So this isn't about white picket fences or conventional relationships at all; it's about communication. Perhaps it's a blessing in disguise; you are facing things that you don't want to face...but apparently he does. It's reasonable, given the difference in your ages and potentially in your readiness for kids and "settling down". But regardless, it's better to have it out in the open than under the surface, creating resentment.

 

We haven't been completely in the dark w/ each other about our thoughts for the future. We've had some basic conversations about that, and we have both seemed on the same page that an official marriage isn't the priority (though a sense of stability for the long term is).

 

When we've talked about kids before I've always been honest and said it's not looking like I'll have them but I am also not completely closed to it. He's expressed the same sort of idea. The age gap is probably kind of an equalizer in this sense because I'm aware of my biological timeline and although he doesn't have the same limits he knows that things do get tougher even for men once you hit late 30s/early 40s (and also that most younger women who wants kids would be seeking a younger man). So it's not outrageous for a 34 year old man to be thinking about these things. If we dated for 3 more years then broke up he'd be 37 trying to start from scratch to have kids.

 

I actually think this is something HE needs to think about and decide now... if he wants to kids and wants to act on that sooner than later, he needs to let me know so I can step out of his way. It would be painful for me to do that but right now I'm just not in that place so I couldn't try to force that.

[Maleficent]

So I only read the OP.

 

First, if your boyfriend loves you, he will wait until you are fully ready to have kids.

If he goes along with it, he, in no way respects you. Just the fact that he didn't categorically refuse his ex's request bothers me.

 

Second, if she is so fine doing this as a single mom, she can go to an organism that will give her a stranger's sperm and she can have a baby without ruining other people's relationships.

 

I also kind of think she is trying to 'tie down' her ex. I hate to assume but if I was in your place, I would not stand for this crap.