HeartofSilver Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 So here's a real situation...! My boyfriend (he's 34, I'm 27, we met as teachers at the same school & have been dating for about 2 yrs) stays in limited contact with one of his exes. They dated about 5 yrs ago and she's his age and now single. From what I gather they email or talk on the phone every once in a while. Im around him enough that I know it isn't constant. I love my BF but this is my first serious relationship since college and I'm not diving fully into the marriage/kids concept yet. I enjoy my freedom and we don't even live together yet (tho have talked a little about it.) Also note that he is pretty immature for 34... if anything Im more mature. Anyway a few weeks ago he came to me and was like "My ex is crazy, she wants me to give her sperm so she can have a kid!" He was stunned/laughing about that. I learned that she'd sent him a long serious letter proposing this, because she wants to be a mom, is OK doing that single, and for various reasons would prefer he be the donor rather than a sperm bank or whatever. So at first this was just a joke, like how crazy it was, then over time he's been thinking more seriously about it! They ended on good terms, they are friendly and he says he would really like to help her out. But also, he says he would like to play a limited father role to the kid, i.e. like a divorced dad would. I can tell he's considering if this is his one shot to be a father. I am appalled by all of this and I think I'd have to break up with him if he goes forward with it. Right? But the thing is, Im also not at a point where I can say "Hey I want to get married to you and have your babies" so I don't feel I stamp my foot down on this as hard as I want. If I give an ultimatum I feel like I should have more to back me up. HELP!!?!
pteromom Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 I don't know why she wants his sperm rather than going to a sperm bank. Seems odd to me. I don't know what I would do in your situation if he decided to go through with it. I think as far as an ultimatum, just say you are very uncomfortable with that arrangement and if he decides to go forward with having a baby with his ex, you don't think you can deal with that. See what he says. I don't think you have to phrase it as an ultimatum. At least not at this point. 4
nescafe1982 Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 This is a big deal. Divorced dads pay a lot of money and have a large presence in their child's life. Your BF becoming a dad with someone else will undoubtedly end his relationship with you. Sorry if that's harsh. But really, even if you don't break up with him over this, you will inevitably be edged out of this man's life. He will not be able to have a child with another woman and build a life with you at the same time. It just can't happen. I don't know how you would handle this, but honestly, I think if you're feeling an ultimatum (eg you acknowledge that there's not middle road here... it's build a future with you or build a future with this other woman), you will need to make it clear to him. It's not unreasonable to present ultimatums. This is an ultimatum he's imposing on you, not the other way around. This other woman had options if she wishes to have a child without destroying your relationship with your BF. How selfish she's being to not consider the impact this decision will have on your Boyfriend or on you. Anyway, I don't know how helpful any of that is. But OP I don't envy your position. To sum up, yes, this would be a dealbreaker for me, and even the fact that your BF is considering this (and from the sounds of it, NOT considering the consequences of this decision) might be a dealbreaker for me. I would seriously be considering breaking up with him. That's just me though... maybe others will have a more permissive attitude about this kind of thing.
Keenly Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 This sounds like a scam. Is he going to fall for it ? 1
Joaquin Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 My take on this is that he is flirting with his ex and playing stupid games. And he sounds a lot more immature than you give him credit for.
nescafe1982 Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 This sounds like a scam. Is he going to fall for it ? I agree with Keenly. It sounds fishy to boot. On top of a potentially disastrous idea that will end your relationship, this could result in: 1) Your BF and EX getting together (indeed, this is the most likely and in some ways the "best possible" outcome, if a kid is in the picture). I almost wonder if EX is trying to make this very outcome happen. 2) Your BF getting raked over the legal/fiscal coals by the EX if she decides she not longer wants to be cordial with him. (BTW, how much attention has your BF paid to the legal side of this? Has he talked to a lawyer? If not, RUN. That betrays a dangerous level of stupidity). 3) If you and BF get married eventually, his financial obligations to his other child will put a damper on your own family planning. It may actually hinder you and him from starting a family. Nope. There are just so many ways this can go badly, and I don't see many ways it can go well. Sorry OP. Sidebar: the worst possible scenario: you're being gas-lighted and something fishy is going on between the two of them already. I pray that's not the case, but if I were in your shoes I'd either put my foot down or run for the hills. 1
phineas Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 If he doesn't hand the sperm off to a registered doctor he will be responsible for the child. Period. I'd do it. If she lived in another state & I got paid for it. Obviously if an ex wants my sperm she recognizes I'm genetically superior to the average male. Or she's bat**** crazy. Either way I'll be protected, paid, and will be thinking of someone other than her when I blow my baby batter into a plastic cup. 1
2sunny Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 I can't blame you for feeing uneasy about that arrangement. How would she determine impregnating her - sex with him? And has he considered a legal document waiving his obligation to pay support money to her? And what IF he felt emotionally connected to the child after it is born? I think it sets him up for complications. You need to make a decision about what you will do IF he decides to do it - that decision is HIS. What YOU do from there is up to you. I'm VERY open minded - but I would never agree to continue if my guy decided to do this. 4
heartshaped Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 So here's a real situation...! I'm sorry, but was I the only one who thought troll when I read that? 3
Quiet Storm Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 (edited) My first thought was that they are FWB, she's already pregnant, and it will be an early baby. Did you see the letter she sent him? How are they thinking of doing this, a cup & a turkey baster? I agree that this sounds shady. Something's not right. Edited September 26, 2013 by Quiet Storm 4
TheGuard13 Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 It's not normal, but if its legitimate, he legally protects himself, and this isn't just him giving her some sperm to do with as she will...I don't see the issue. He has every right to do what he wants to do with his own sperm. You have every right to feel how you want to about it on your end.
Art_Critic Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 I'd be appalled too... Does he want to give it to her the old fashion way or in a cup ? Honestly I think you should cut him loose, him having the conversation and telling you should tell you where you sit in his life, certainly not as a future mother to his kids and a future wife.. that he has his ex sighted in on for..
Author HeartofSilver Posted September 26, 2013 Author Posted September 26, 2013 Im not 100% certain of all the woman's reasons for wanting my BF's sperm, but I know she doesn't want to go through the hassles of adoption, sperm bank and for whatever reasons she feels comfortable enough asking my BF. They have an odd relationship for exes, they almost seem like a 65-yr-old divorced couple who still fond of each other but not in love. Im certain my BF is not in love with her. Can't say anything about her side of things b/c Ive never met her/talked to her. Of course in my head she's the devil now! I think it would be really easy for me to be like 'Oh **** no' and walk away if it werent for the age gap between me and my BF. I think there are things in his head about wanting to be a dad and seeing that he may miss his window. I think he's look at his relationship w/me more critically now because we have to question, is this for real, where's this going? If he were single I'm sure it would be an easy decision for him to do it but now he has to view me as this obstacle in this situation.
StanMusial Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 Dang. Well that's a new one. If you see her chasing him down the street clutching a Dixie cup, now you know why.
Author HeartofSilver Posted September 26, 2013 Author Posted September 26, 2013 Oh also, all the legal/money stuff, they havent discussed the details of that yet but they know they'd need to discuss it. I asked about that.
crederer Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 Well obviously you have to tell him you're not comfortable with that idea. What he chooses to do after that is up to him, just like what you choose to do after is up to you. 1
aussietigerwolf Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 Assuming this is legit... Id tell him it was either her or me and id want her cut out of his life if he choses me. But id suspect he was cheating and she was pregnant and he was trying to keep us both. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 This sounds completely nuts, and would never in a million years be OK with me. 1
Art_Critic Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 Im not 100% certain of all the woman's reasons for wanting my BF's sperm, Does it matter ? seems to me that a healthy boundary was run across and trampled 2
2sunny Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 Im not 100% certain of all the woman's reasons for wanting my BF's sperm, but I know she doesn't want to go through the hassles of adoption, sperm bank and for whatever reasons she feels comfortable enough asking my BF. They have an odd relationship for exes, they almost seem like a 65-yr-old divorced couple who still fond of each other but not in love. Im certain my BF is not in love with her. Can't say anything about her side of things b/c Ive never met her/talked to her. Of course in my head she's the devil now! I think it would be really easy for me to be like 'Oh **** no' and walk away if it werent for the age gap between me and my BF. I think there are things in his head about wanting to be a dad and seeing that he may miss his window. I think he's look at his relationship w/me more critically now because we have to question, is this for real, where's this going? If he were single I'm sure it would be an easy decision for him to do it but now he has to view me as this obstacle in this situation. Why are you viewing YOURSELF as his obstacle? It IS his decision!!! Whatever he decides - that's when you may have a decisions to make for yourself.
phineas Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 I'm sorry, but was I the only one who thought troll when I read that? Well, This sort of thing has actually happened where a guy "donated his sperm" then the mother lost her job & when she tried to claim benefits the state went after the father because he isn't absolved unless it went through a fertilization specialist. 1
cif Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 (edited) If after two years you're still unsure of whether or not he's husband/father material, maybe it's time to go your separate ways. Clearly he wants to be a dad or else he wouldn't be thinking about it. And since they were once close there's the possibility having a child together will rekindle feelings. There are other issues here... such as you never meeting the ex yet they're still in contact. Also i wouldn't rule out what others have said that something maybe going on between them and she's already pregnant. For me it would be over the minute i realize he's considering it. Have you seen the letter? Edited September 27, 2013 by cif 3
salparadise Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 If after two years you're still unsure of whether or not he's husband/father material, maybe it's time to go your separate ways... For me it would be over the minute i realize he's considering it. Same thing I was thinking. I wouldn't want to marry someone who would seriously consider this at the two-year point in a relationship. It's one thing to be two-years in and not be engaged, but it quite another for him to make a left turn like this. Instead of the ultimatum, I'd just him if he is seriously considering this. And if the answer is yes, take the nearest exit. 1
ChessPieceFace Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 I don't know why she wants his sperm rather than going to a sperm bank. Child support. If he doesn't go through proper channels, he's a complete idiot, and will be legally bound to support the child. In some countries, they are even forcing men who donated to a sperm bank to start paying child support. That's how screwed men are in western society.
Author HeartofSilver Posted September 30, 2013 Author Posted September 30, 2013 *UPDATE* I found out something which helps this make a little more sense - apparently this woman is "basically a lesbian", like her dating experience with my BF was her one real experience with hetero dating then she went back to chicks. My BF never told me that before but it makes sense with the style of their relationship I've seen. So apparently this woman was recently in a lesbian relationship for a few years, but the issue of kids came up, scared the other partner off, and now the woman is single, still wants kids and is looking to male friends for help. This makes me understand their relationship more and why she's asking but it doesn't help me accept the idea of my BF donating sperm. He and I have had a couple long conversations about it by now and he understands that I am seriously turned off, could be a dealbreaker for us. He said he gets where I coming from but he also explained just what I thought, that he doesn't want to miss his opportunity to be a father and he's wondering if this is it. We haven't yet had the convo about the bigger issues that this whole sperm situation is forcing us to look at - about our future and where we're headed. This has been a nice easygoing relationship with both us having some independence but it looks like we now to question that because this psycho lesbian ex wants a baby!! 1
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