Relocation, careers- how do u compromise?

[lucy_in_disguise]

How do you compromise on career opportunities in your relationship? Does one partner's career take precedence? Are opportunities evaluated on a case by case basis, and if so, what's the criteria?

 

I have an amazing job offer in another city. It is basically my dream next job, at a 30% increase in salary, with a generous signon bonus and benefits. Im in my late 20s, have been with the same employer for my whole career, and feel this is the perfect career opportunity that I could not easily find in our current area. All my family live in that city, but boyfriend feels tied to our current area and feels moving would be a major compromise. How do we decide what to do?

[Philosoraptor]

No one takes precedence, you two need to sit down and come to an agreement. How far is this city? Is it that much of an inconvienence to commute to where you live now to see people?

 

Way too many things to discuss here, but everything needs to be figured out and settled before you make a decision. But since the offer is already on the table, you need to sit down and talk about it right away before you miss it.

[anna121]

No one takes precedence, you two need to sit down and come to an agreement. How far is this city? Is it that much of an inconvienence to commute to where you live now to see people?

 

Way too many things to discuss here, but everything needs to be figured out and settled before you make a decision. But since the offer is already on the table, you need to sit down and talk about it right away before you miss it.

 

I assume you had to apply for this job. That, really, would have been the time to discuss with your boyfriend. It's dangerous to apply on a lark, without thinking things through.

 

LDR's can work, for a time. But if either party doesn't feel fully committed to it, much tougher.

 

Sounds like you're pretty excited about the job, and he's not crazy about moving. One of you is likely to feel resentment. It comes down to what is more important to each of you, who is more likely to advance in their career in which city etc.

 

Probably not realistic to expect him to get on board by the time you need to make a decision.

 

For me, if I wasn't married, it was a really important move up, and I liked the second city, I would go for it. But I wouldn't expect my boyfriend to come along.

[lucy_in_disguise]

We had discussed at the time I applied but had failed to come to any conclusions. We'd both agreed it would not make sense to take the job unless it was a "gamechanger". Well, the offer is.

 

We talked more yesterday and he said he does not want me to move but would understand if I do. He is not interested in a long distance relationship for any amount of time. He also said something that worried me a little, that he understands if I need a higher level of commitment from him to stay, aka engagement, but he's not ready. We've been together 2.5 years. When I prodded further about this, he said it didn't feel right to him, and he couldn't promise that it ever would, but did see a future with me with kids etc. He is a slow decision maker and wants to take it one step at a time ie move in first.

 

I trust that he's not stringing me along, but at the same time, I know the general wisdom that this kind of hesitation may mean I'm no the one, and will never be.

[Arabella]

We had discussed at the time I applied but had failed to come to any conclusions. We'd both agreed it would not make sense to take the job unless it was a "gamechanger". Well, the offer is.

 

We talked more yesterday and he said he does not want me to move but would understand if I do. He is not interested in a long distance relationship for any amount of time. He also said something that worried me a little, that he understands if I need a higher level of commitment from him to stay, aka engagement, but he's not ready. We've been together 2.5 years. When I prodded further about this, he said it didn't feel right to him, and he couldn't promise that it ever would, but did see a future with me with kids etc. He is a slow decision maker and wants to take it one step at a time ie move in first.

 

I trust that he's not stringing me along, but at the same time, I know the general wisdom that this kind of hesitation may mean I'm no the one, and will never be.

 

Wow, well, after the things he said... what more do you need to make a decision?

 

You've been with him for 2.5 years and he's telling you he may never be ready to marry you!? But he does see a future with kids? Ie: he wants you to bear his children without actually making a commitment to you?

 

Just take the job. He's giving you NO reason at all to stay for him. If he cares enough, he will make it work OR move to you.

 

-A

[lucy_in_disguise]

Well, he didn't say he doesn't see me as "potential" marriage material. He said I he didn't see that in our future, he wouldn't stay with me. He is just not ready to make that commitment right now, because it doesn't feel right to him yet. He believes moving in together would help him get there.

 

In general, I feel like 2.5 years at our ages (late twenties/ early thirties) should be plenty of time to "know", but the thing is, I don't "know" either, so I don't hold that against him. I would be happy to move in but the thought of committing for the rest of my life makes me queezy. I guess I don't feel ready for that level of compromise, in this relationship, though it feels like this offer is forcing my hand.

 

I have struggled with trying to figure out if not "knowing" within a certain time frame = not the one even before this job came along. Now I feel pressured to make that call.

 

In the past, there was someone I wanted I marry despite the red flags/ obstacles/ common sense. In this relationship, there are no red flags, but I sometimes feel we're not totally sold on the idea this may be it (though that's improving). I'm not sure if the issue is the relationship, or commitment problems we both have.

[clia]

If neither of you "know" after 2 1/2 years together, then in my opinion, the answer is "No." I glanced through some of your previous threads, and you both seem to have had doubts about your relationship. It may be time to face the fact that the two of you are not meant to be.

 

Assuming you stay put, how much longer are you going to stay with him? What if he still doesn't know a year from now, two years from now, three years from now? What if you still don't know? How much more time are you willing to waste?

 

I think you should take the job. Go embark on a new adventure. Getting away from him may even clarify how you feel about him, and how he feels about you. Right now you both seem stagnant.

[lucy_in_disguise]

I still don't know what to do, and I need to make a decision by Monday.

 

If I leave, I think I will feel I threw away a great relationship.

 

If I stay, I may resent him for giving me an ultimatum, and it may not work out anyway.

 

Despite the apparent commitment issues, I truly believe he loves me, and will come around.

 

Radu, I agree with what you have said about moving in, but he fact is, for all prctical purposes, we already live together. We each have our own place, but haven't spent a night apart in months. At this point, maintaining he separate residences is just throwing away money, and if I stay, I'm not sure how to back track.

[anna121]

I still don't know what to do, and I need to make a decision by Monday.

 

If I leave, I think I will feel I threw away a great relationship.

 

If I stay, I may resent him for giving me an ultimatum, and it may not work out anyway.

 

Despite the apparent commitment issues, I truly believe he loves me, and will come around.

 

Radu, I agree with what you have said about moving in, but he fact is, for all prctical purposes, we already live together. We each have our own place, but haven't spent a night apart in months. At this point, maintaining he separate residences is just throwing away money, and if I stay, I'm not sure how to back track.

 

Right now, the job sounds like a sure thing. He, sadly, is not.

 

It must be hard, but it sounds like you're probably setting yourself up for huge disappointment if you stay.

 

I find it extremely telling that, knowing that you have such an incredible opportunity, he is not motivated to up the commitment stakes to make you stay. I know you've said you both aren't ready, but if I knew that a partner was willing to give up something like that, it would be a huge kick in the butt for getting the rel-ship to the next level. Say: engagement followed by moving in.

 

He is saying that he's not ready. Think hard if you're willing to stay under those circs. Think, also, about whether you're prepared to be yoked to one place, since he seems very comfortable there.

[anna121]

I still don't know what to do, and I need to make a decision by Monday.

 

If I leave, I think I will feel I threw away a great relationship.

 

If I stay, I may resent him for giving me an ultimatum, and it may not work out anyway.

Despite the apparent commitment issues, I truly believe he loves me, and will come around.

Radu, I agree with what you have said about moving in, but he fact is, for all prctical purposes, we already live together. We each have our own place, but haven't spent a night apart in months. At this point, maintaining he separate residences is just throwing away money, and if I stay, I'm not sure how to back track.

 

Sorry, one more thing.

 

This is really, really dangerous thinking.

[xxoo]

Take the job.

 

If the relationship is meant to be, it will work out. But at this point, you are not married, and you are completely responsible for yourself and your future (he is not responsible to you in any way, nor you to him). It would be foolish to sacrifice your career advancement for a relationship that is stalled.

[smoky eyes]

Job! I would not throw away a golden opportunity like that for any less than total commitment, and I don't see why he can't commit to you after this time.

 

My boyfriend said, without hesitation, that he would move continent to my home country to be with me. That's a bit extreme and I wouldn't expect it of everyone but your boyfriend should at least be prepared to negotiate over something that excites you so much.

[Sparty97]

I'm with the masses on this one. If neither of you know after 2.5yrs then you should take the job.

[Got it]

Most men would take the job. Please count on yourself and take the job. You guys can do long distance, you guys can assess then, but don't settle. And right now, if you are wanting more from him, then what he is offering and what it would mean to stay, means you are definitely settling.

 

If he loves you he will step up. Give him the space to prove it. And give yourself the space to prove that you prioritize yourself and your desires.

[lucy_in_disguise]

Everyone is telling me to take the job, but I am not excited about moving away, I feel sadness and dread. I thought I'd made up my mind to go earlier today, then cried for several hours. Are these feelings normal?

[Els]

You have to make the decision that you want, that you won't regret.

 

This does not necessarily mean 'go', although it might. Where do you think you would be happier? There are plenty of other factors that affect happiness, besides income - environment, quality of life in that area, friends/family, etc. Only you can decide how everything weighs out.

[miss_jaclynrae]

I still don't know what to do, and I need to make a decision by Monday.

 

If I leave, I think I will feel I threw away a great relationship.

 

If I stay, I may resent him for giving me an ultimatum, and it may not work out anyway.

 

Despite the apparent commitment issues, I truly believe he loves me, and will come around.

 

Radu, I agree with what you have said about moving in, but he fact is, for all prctical purposes, we already live together. We each have our own place, but haven't spent a night apart in months. At this point, maintaining he separate residences is just throwing away money, and if I stay, I'm not sure how to back track.

 

 

 

If the relationship was truly THAT great, he would be supportive of you taking the job and relocating.

 

And the commitment thing is a HUGE HUGE HUGE red flag.

You aren't engaged, married, or even living together.

Do what is best for YOU, because right now you guys are not thinking in terms of what is best for the BOTH of you.

[hotgurl]

If the boyfriend was not in the picture would you take the job?

[lucy_in_disguise]

Thanks for all the advice. I know the consensus was that I should take the job, but I didn't. It may have been a foolish decision, but when I thought about moving away, I did not feel excitement, but sadness/ dread.

 

I would have made a lot more money, and it was an amazing career opportunity, but the fact that I could not stop crying when thinking about leaving my currebt job, my condo, and my boyfriend, is telling of the fact that I already have everything I want.

 

I am exhausted from ping back and forth on this, but I believe I made the right choice, one that my heart and gut supported. I am 2/2 on recent job applications, and they all came my way without my lifting a finger so I believe there will be other opportunities in the future, that will feel more "right" to accept. Money isn't everything, and I guess I am not yet ready to leave.

 

The one positive out of all of this is it has spurred dialogue between me and my boyfriend regarding what we want from the relationship. We are planning to move in when his lease is up and get engaged in the summer. We talked at length about why we were both hesitant to commit. On my end, in the past, i was concerned about his stalled career, but (after expressing this to him a few months ago) he has just received a promotion.

 

He is hesitant because he feels I do not always take good care of myself and it makes him concerned for if we ever have kids. He has a point with regards to some of my habits, so I will make an effort to change.

 

At the end of the day, while we may have issues, I trust 100% that he is being honest. So, I believe staying with him is a well-informed risk, at least.

[Sparty97]

I hope your decision works out for you and don't end up regretting it. My wife "followed" me to grad school and we moved to an unfamiliar region for my first job while my wife tried to "find herself". After about three years in a job with good opportunity and the possibility of tenure she applied and got into grad school close to our families. I gave up my career for her grad school goals and while I initially had some regrets I thought I would get over it. She got her degree and now 11yrs later she doesn't use it (never really has) and finally I decided I needed to get back into academia and did a national search for a new position.

 

Now I am a first year assistant prof. when most people of my age are full professors. I will get there, but I will have a shorter earning window at that level and will likely not be able to retire.

 

In the meantime the marriage has withered on the vine.

 

I hope for your sake he is the one and that you weren't crying because he wouldn't support your career.

[Els]

Edit: Wait, I just saw jaclyn's quote. You mean he gave you an ultimatum that he'd break up with you if he took it???

 

Uhhh...I don't want to be a wet blanket if you've already turned down the offer and there's no going back... but if you haven't... you really need to think clearly about this one. IMO someone who truly loved you would be supportive of your decision, whichever one you made.

Edited October 1, 2013 by Elswyth

[smoky eyes]

I think this decision is unfortunate. I've moved around the world multiple times and NEVER feel like it when presented with the reality, but go, and everything improves once there.

 

In this case it's already a done deal, but if you get offered another job in the future that requires relocation, I hope you'll keep in mind that we as humans tend in the moment to only see what we'll lose from change, without seeing what we'll gain.