No Spark? or Not Used to Drama-Free Dating?

[clia]

It was more than rude. I thought it was just rude, too, when he blew me off to hang out with his friends. Turns out, though, it was not about hanging out with his friends. There was a party right outside the location where he was with his friends, and apparently a lot of female graduate students who were drunk. According to my friend, who has an office there, "things got out of hand." That's why he blew me off, and that's why he didn't suggest a middle-ground solution where I could join them (yes, we've only gone on 3 dates, but given the situation, that is probably the best middle ground solution -- I didn't care much about meeting his friends at that point anyway).

 

Do you have any proof at all that he was even at that party? Do you have any proof at all that he was even talking to any women or hitting on anyone? Did your friend actually see him there doing that? Could she hear what he was saying? You just keep jumping to conclusions about this guy, and many seem unwarranted to me. He seems like he's into you. I feel like you are blowing this out of proportion so that you have an excuse to stop seeing him. If you don't want to see him, just stop seeing him.

 

I’m going to be frank. It is very clear from your posts that you don’t have much dating experience. You seem to expect boyfriend behavior out of this guy, and have continually jumped to conclusions about his motivations and behavior, where I think that for the most part he has acted pretty normally for a guy who has been dating you for two weeks. (Right? Two weeks?)

 

For example, because he didn’t invite you out with his friends the other night, you concluded that he wasn’t taking you seriously, was compartmentalizing his life, was ashamed of you, etc. The reality is that most normal people aren’t going to be inviting a new person out with their friends after only three dates. If you date more men, you will find out that this is true. Sure, yeah, there are people out there who are introducing people after date 1, but most rational people like to wait until they are a little more sure about the person. Three dates is nothing in the grand scheme of things. You still don’t know the person, and most people after three dates still don’t really know where the relationship is going, if anywhere at all.

 

Now you are complaining because he didn’t text you until 10:30 p.m. last night. Once again, you have only been on three dates with this guy. At this point, it is still perfectly normal to not talk every day. Maybe he was busy yesterday. He – like you – is still feeling things out. This is not passive aggressive behavior at all. If anything, you are being passive aggressive by not telling him why you were upset the other night and by ignoring his texts. And he is still texting you, even though you were short with him and are not responding to him. Do you seriously think he is out chasing other women? Because I’ll tell you – I don’t. At all. And he already apologized to you.

 

I still believe you completely overreacted the other night. I’m not convinced he realized that your plans were set in stone. I’m not saying I’m impressed by his behavior, but I can understand totally where he was coming from. Maybe he screwed up. But I don’t think it’s the end of the world. I think he really wanted to see you, which is why he tried to schedule something, but then as the event went on, he realized that it wasn’t going to work. (Maybe there were friends there he hadn’t seen in awhile, maybe he had too much to drink, maybe he was just having a great time with his friends…) I’ve been in that scenario, where I’ve had one thing planned, and then made plans to do something else later, and then I realized that making the latter plan maybe wasn’t such a great idea. Haven't you ever screwed up or made a mistake? If I were you, I would have responded to his text like this: “No worries! I’m sure I can find something fun to do! Have fun!” And then I would have gone radio silent the rest of the night. You know what that conveys? I’m easy going, low maintenance…oh and he’s left wondering what else fun I found to do that doesn’t involve him.

 

He can think what he wants, but I wasn't the one who blew HIM off, despite being sick and busy, I showed interest in hanging out. He didn't show any respect for my busy schedule which I had rearranged for our (tentative) casual date.

 

Did he know you had rearranged your schedule for him? Did you tell him?

 

He wasn't my man, but I don't want to date a dog who continues to sniff around when he is really truly interested in getting to know a woman he's seeing... I don't multi-date, and I don't want to date one who does. I am not asking for commitment, but stop dating me if you're interested in other women.

 

What do you think commitment or exclusivity means? It means you stop dating other people. Most people aren't agreeing to do that by date three. If it's that important to you, you should have brought it up to him on your second or third date. Did you do that? But anyway, I still don't see why you think he is dating other women other than what fantasy you have created inside your head. Obviously I have no idea if he is or not, but from what you posted about him earlier in this thread, he seems very into you.

 

Every man is not your ex. Your ex was probably the biggest dog of a man I have ever seen discussed on these boards. You put up with stuff that...I could not even believe. But you cannot impute his behavior onto other men. The reality is that the vast majority of men are nowhere near as psychopathic and crazy as your ex. Most men are just good, normal guys who make mistakes sometimes. You seem so afraid of landing on a guy like your ex (which I think the odds are slim) that you are reading things into this guy's behavior that simply are not there.

 

Look, it’s fine if you don’t want to date him. But please don’t act like he’s the only one with a problem here. You’ve devoted paragraphs and paragraphs of text to this guy who you purportedly don’t even like. It just seems really exhausting.

 

Finally, with all due respect – chill out! Dating is supposed to be fun. You are making it the opposite of fun. You are never going to be able to relax and enjoy yourself until you stop taking things so personally. Poofing, flaking, and some stupidness is expected during the first few dates. Anyone who has dated gets used to it after awhile. You need to let it roll off your back and not worry about it so much, and whether you have been disrespected or whatnot. I mean, who cares? Just move on to the next guy.

Edited September 30, 2013 by clia

[Anela]

If he hasn't figured it out yet, I don't think he's smart enough to fit my criteria for a potential date/boyfriend.

 

I am not being passive aggressive. I have no intention of ever getting back in touch with him. I am just fading out. Because that is the sort of ending this pathetic, disrespectful POS deserves.

 

Telling him what you feel, and that you're no longer interested, should stop the texts. He has already shown that he doesn't fit your criteria for a date/boyfriend, hasn't he?

[clia]

Telling him what you feel, and that you're no longer interested, should stop the texts. He has already shown that he doesn't fit your criteria for a date/boyfriend, hasn't he?

 

Yes, this would be the non-passive aggressive way to handle it.

 

I would say "It hurt my feelings when you abruptly cancelled our plans the other night. I think it's best if we just go our separate ways. Good luck to you."

[NoMoreJerks]

You didn't wanna see him.

He didn't ask me out. I said I "felt" like he wanted to do something together, but he never mentioned anything. And THEN I said I was sick.I mean, surely he doesn't expect me to hang out with him when I am sick? And anyway, he had NOT asked me out. I felt better on Saturday and he said we can do something on Saturday so I went with that, even though I was still sick on Saturday. He had not asked me out before that. Even the third date, *I* was the one who asked me out. He was not the one who asked me out.

[NoMoreJerks]

He's supposed to see you at the drop of a hat and not talk to females AND text you everyday after 3 ,dates.

Jesus Christ. He can talk to whoever he wants, drink and party with whoever he wants, and bang whoever he wants. I am out of the equation. Never expected him to see me at the drop of a hat. In fact, I was hoping he wouldn't text me back and forth so much (and would've preferred a phone call to arrange a date, but whatever, I was easygoing and accepted texting instead of phone calls (though some say that it's the lazy way to communicate and is intended to keep someone at arm's length), but he started texting all day long and I wasn't too happy with that at that stage). He gave off signs of being too into me, and I went with that, thinking he was a nice guy who was trying to reassure me he liked me, and that he was into me. Which is why I went out of my way to accept his suggestion to see him on Saturday night, despite not feeling very well. Never expected him to see me at the drop of a hat. When I texted him to ask him out on our third date, I asked ahead of time. I texted him on Monday and asked if he was free on Wednesday or Thursday. I didn't expect him to drop everything and see me the same evening or the next day. Geez. I may have issues but one thing I am not is desperate or crazy / b*tchy-demanding. I know proper, respectful ways of treating people. I respect their time and I treat them the way I expect them to treat me. I know dating etiquette even if I might not have a lot of experience in it.

 

Also not seeing other people IS a commitment

No it's not. It's decency. It's also decency not to treat someone like an option/fallback person, because something better came along, even if you are going to multi-date. Also, dating prior to commitment doesn't mean you get to bang as many chicks as you want and that the woman you're dating should be OK with it. It means you can keep your options open in case you meet someone else whom you get along better with.

[NoMoreJerks]

Yes, this would be the non-passive aggressive way to handle it.

 

I would say "It hurt my feelings when you abruptly cancelled our plans the other night. I think it's best if we just go our separate ways. Good luck to you."

The reason I didn't want to tell him anything is that I don't want back and forths about it. I don't want the drama. It's likely that if I had said that, he would've become defensive, tried explaining, etc., and I would've given him another chance just as I gave my douchebag ex several chances . I am done giving people who treat me like an option a second chance. I don't need the temptation. He doesn't deserve an explanation anyway, at this point. Not with his passive aggressive message about how busy he was (he was at the continuation of that programming event, and he was able to text me all day long the previous day before he blew me off). I know a passive aggressive person when I see one, went through that sort of abuse for a year, and even played along with those sorts of mind games with my ex, but now I am done. Hence the fade-out.

[NoMoreJerks]

he didn't blow you off that's what you are not getting. He wenter to a pre planned event. You told him to let you know if he wanted to hangout. You then seemed disinterested when he asked what you wanted to do. I don't blame him for wanting to see friends. Yes he shouldn't have implied plans but you are completely overeacting

That's not the way it happened.

 

He suggested on Thursday (on our third date) that we meet up after his event ends (at 9pm). I said great, looking forward to it. The location of the event happens to be across the street from my place, so I assumed it doesn't need extensive planning on where to meet up. Then, on Saturday (the day of the event), I told him to text me when he was done with the event (the idea was that when he was done, I could go pick him up from the location of the event). Then I get a 4 hour silence from him (he always responds to texts right away). And then he blows me off, saying that he'd rather go with his friends. OK? I don't blame him for wanting to see his friends, but that's not the reason he blew me off. He knew his friends were going to be at that event, ahead of time. He should not have suggested it on Thursday if there was even the remote possibility his friends might decide to hang out afterwards, and that he'd want to join them.It's only common sense. But no, he thought he didn't owe me any respect. That he could just blow me off like that, and that I'd be understanding. Sorry ,but no. No matter which way you look at this, it's utterly 1) stupid of him; 2) rude; and 3) highly disrespectful. At no point during the whole thing about meeting up on Saturday did I seem disinterested. I don't know where you got that from.

 

things got out of hand does not mean anything. Did she say he hooked up with girls????? If so you have a valid point

She said everyone was drunk and there was a lot of fondling going on.She didn't say who was doing the fondling , but my guess is, everyone was doing it, and he must've been either doing it himself as well, or ogling anyway, for him not to want to see me there and risk this sort of outcome (me getting completely turned off by him) by blowing me off. Only something "riskier" (me seeing all the fondling going on and thinking he was going to do it if I weren't there) could have stopped him from asking me to join them (given that it would've been better to ask me to join them than to risk alienating me ). A guy who is so crazy into you (even from date 3 -- some people claim to have felt sparks from date 1) would not even dream of risking losing the girl. Even if he had to flake, he could've been very apologetic. I would've accepted a really strong apology for blowing me off, and continued to see him, but none was forthcoming. And he acted like he hadn't done anything wrong. At the very least, even if you're going to claim that I overreacted, you gotta admit that there was an element of rudeness in his behavior, no matter how tiny you might think it was. A man who then doesn't realize he acted rudely, and that the woman might be giving him the cold shoulder, either doesn't know any social etiquette, or just doesn't give a damn. So which is it? Not sure either answer makes me go back to liking him.

 

Oh -- also, he didn't blow me off during/after the party/drunk people appeared. He did it shortly before. His friends must've told him that there was this event, and told him there'd be a lot of drunk girls around. He decided to them drop me and go for that, because I'm always going to be in the background anyway, right? Talk about taking me for granted.

Edited September 30, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[NoMoreJerks]

Do you have any proof at all that he was even at that party?

Yes. My friend told me that he was there. She didn't tell me WHAT he was DOING, but she said things got out of hand. She was possibly implying that things got out of hand with him as well, and was just using a general / roundabout way of telling me that , so that I wouldn't feel hurt. I don't think she would've had to tell me that things got out of hand, if nothing had happened with the guy I was seeing. I mean , why would I need to find out things got out of hand otherwise? It seems like she was giving me a vague hint/warning about this man, without making me feel bad. This friend knows a lot about what I went through with my ex, and the cheating, and she may have hesitated to be blunt. Sure, this is speculation, but it makes a lot of sense and there's a good chance that I'm right.

 

Even if I'm not -- so what? It still means he was at that party, that he blew me off for that party (where he knew a lot of women would show up). He was partying without any guilty-conscience, while I was holed up at home on a Saturday night because I was waiting for his event to finish so we could go out, and hadn't made any other plans. Pretty rude, if you ask me. And suggests that he's treating me as a fallback girl/ an option, and isn't hesitating to let me know that this is what he is doing.

 

Maybe you need a taste of your own medicine, and have the guy (or if you're a guy, the woman) you're seeing, tell you that he'd rather hang out with his friends, hours before you were going to see each other. Only for you to then find out he really was partying up with a bunch of drunk women. I'm sure that'll make you feel really appreciated. Because that's really a sign of great interest in and respect for you. Really? You want me to tell him "oh that's fine, that's great, have fun, I am sure I can find something last minute to do that's equally fun!"? Because my friends are all waiting around for me to jump right into their plans , right? When I had told them I had something else going on at that time/day.

[NoMoreJerks]

For example, because he didn’t invite you out with his friends the other night, you concluded that he wasn’t taking you seriously, was compartmentalizing his life, was ashamed of you, etc. The reality is that most normal people aren’t going to be inviting a new person out with their friends after only three dates. If you date more men, you will find out that this is true. Sure, yeah, there are people out there who are introducing people after date 1, but most rational people like to wait until they are a little more sure about the person. Three dates is nothing in the grand scheme of things. You still don’t know the person, and most people after three dates still don’t really know where the relationship is going, if anywhere at all.

God. No. I didn't want to meet his friends. That would've been awkward. The reason I concluded he was compartmentalizing is that, in this situation, given that there was no "great" solution that would've kept everyone happy, it would've made sense to make an exception and ask me to join him and his friends. I never wanted to meet his friends per se. In fact, I didn't even take too much issue to the fact that he didn't even want me to see his place, even though he had been coming over to my place and it made sense that I'd also see his place (because that also says a lot about the person; if he's tidy, etc. -- I want to know if he's living in a dump or what; sooner rather than later!). Anyway, if I were faced with such a situation (and here, I am even showing understanding that "sh*t happens"), I would've asked him to join me and my friends. What's the harm in it? Clearly better than a situation where the woman feels slighted/disrespected and doesn't want to see him again, because she found out he was treating her as an option not even because he wanted to hang out with his friends , but because he wanted to hang out at that party with other women (and maybe his friends).

[NoMoreJerks]

And he already apologized to you.

Wait, what? I must've missed that one. How/where/when did he apologize to me?!?

[xxoo]

Ok, he's not that into you. Disappointing, but it's only been a couple dates.

 

Why all the anger?

[NoMoreJerks]

Ok, he's not that into you. Disappointing, but it's only been a couple dates.

 

Why all the anger?

I'm not disappointed.

 

I'm angry at the disrespect. At the fact that I let my guard down and allowed someone to abuse even the smallest bit of trust I put in him -- that he would at the very least respect me and my time. I'm angry at myself more than at him, because I rushed to assume he was a nice guy just because he was consistent and sent some texts on a regular basis, showed some interest, etc.

[clia]

Maybe I need a taste of my own medicine?

 

I would not have been in this predicament to start with, because I would never have agreed to a last minute informal “date” at 9 p.m. on a Saturday night.

 

I would not have slept with the guy on date 2, which can create more investment in the “relationship” than should exist after two weeks.

 

I would not have asked the guy out for date 3.

 

I would not have brought the guy back to my house on date 3 to watch a TV show.

 

I would not care what he was doing on Saturday night, frankly, because by that point I would not have had sex with him yet, and we were not exclusive or committed.

 

And I already told you how I would have reacted to this type of flaky incident. I would’ve been very casual about it, because I would not have been invested in the guy at that point.

 

When you date with clear boundaries, then when a guy acts flaky it doesn’t bother you so much.

 

I think your reaction to this whole thing shows that you were way too invested in him. I mean, you immediately jumped to “He was using me for sex.” If you hadn’t had sex with him yet, that wouldn’t have even been on your radar. If you hadn’t agreed to a last minute date, none of this ever would have happened. I kind of agree with a previous poster that you come across as really hostile and angry. It’s actually surprising to me that you care so much, considering that you claim you don’t even like him.

 

How/where/when did he apologize to me?!?

 

Didn't his initial text to you say "I'm sorry" with a sad face? I thought it did.

[NoMoreJerks]

If you hadn’t had sex with him yet, that wouldn’t have even been on your radar.

Yeah, yeah, because no man has EVER waited for as long as he had to, in order to use a woman for sex.

 

If you hadn’t agreed to a last minute date, none of this ever would have happened.

It wasn't a last minute date. It was suggested by him on Thursday, for Saturday.

 

Didn't his initial text to you say "I'm sorry" with a sad face? I thought it did.

No. His text said: "I really would love to, but it looks like I'm going to do something with my friends after since we're already all together. " No apology. And please please don't tell me that I'm now supposed to read into emoticons. The way I read this message: "I'd love not to flake on MY suggestion for our date, but it looks like I've decided that, no matter what your preferences and no matter the fact that we had agreed to see each other tonight, I'm gonna go out with my friends and there's nothing you can do about it, though I'll just put this emoticon right here so that, like most women, you can jump the gun and read too much into it and think it constitutes an apology and I don't have to end up losing all the benefits of having one foot in your door." Edited September 30, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[clia]

I personally consider Thursday too late for a Saturday night plan with a new guy. I usually have my Saturday night planned by Thursday. But okay, fair enough. The 9 p.m. loose plans thing would have turned me off, though. I don't think I would have agreed to that, even if he would've asked earlier.

 

No. His text said: "I really would love to, but it looks like I'm going to do something with my friends after since we're already all together. "

 

Ah, okay. I thought there was a "sorry" in there. But this text is why I keep thinking that maybe he didn't realize that you considered the plans to be concrete, and that things were maybe a little more "let's see what happens". Are you sure there wasn't any wiggle room in what he was thinking? I'm not trying to stick up for him, but up until this point he seemed very into you, and this isn't the text of a guy who realizes that he is cancelling concrete plans. Eh, but what do I know?

[NoMoreJerks]

Clia : Sometimes I plan my weekends ahead of time, and sometimes I don't. It depends on how busy I am and whether my friends have any plans in the first place. If they don't, I usually spend it at home (since I'm fighting off an addiction to going to bars on my own), and usually get work done. Sometimes I'm so busy that work seeps into Saturday and Sunday evenings. This was the case this weekend, but I still wanted to allocate some time to him. And I wasn't feeling great, but I thought it was already ideal to meet up at 9pm and go for a drink or grab a quick bite, since I was not really up for anything fancy. I don't usually do casual 9pm "dates".

 

Anyway, so far,the most non-casual date we had, I was the one who suggested going to dinner. Until then, the first two dates were: 1)coffee; 2) drinks and then some pool and bowling. I felt like it was too casual, and I waited for him to make the move for a third date, but he didn't, after the 2nd date. I waited for 3-4 days, and then I thought I'd initiate since, why the hell not? I'm not into rigid "rules" and mind games. Anyway, he jumped at my suggestion, and I let him decide on the restaurant. He picked something that wasn't too fancy. He ended up paying for the both of us. But a lot of people would assume that the fact that he didn't ask me out meant that he wasn't all that interested. My theory is that he wanted to keep things casual either because he's not looking for anything serious (maybe I'm his rebound, who knows?!) or because he doesn't have any money (he was fired from his job in the gaming industry and now does web design for a startup company). *shrug* I don't know.

 

But this text is why I keep thinking that maybe he didn't realize that you considered the plans to be concrete, and that things were maybe a little more "let's see what happens". Are you sure there wasn't any wiggle room in what he was thinking? I'm not trying to stick up for him, but up until this point he seemed very into you, and this isn't the text of a guy who realizes that he is cancelling concrete plans. Eh, but what do I know?

Well, I had thought of that , but the reason I dismissed that possibility is the fact that he also brought it up on Friday, and I texted him and said to text me when he was done. After that, for a few hours, he went quiet. It looks like he was looking at what other plans he could potentially have, and which one seemed to be the best one. Even if he had assumed it was a "wait and see", the fact that he made me wait that long to see what he had decided, is bad enough. Not to mention that after THAT, he also waited for a few hours to respond to my text.

 

Anyway, it's all good. I think one of the lessons from this experience is: don't jump the gun and assume someone is a nice person and is respectful, until they give you ample reason to think so.

[xxoo]

Yes, that lesson is a necessary one. Three dates is too soon to expect that he is serious and respects you and the relationship. Assume it is casual until he demonstrates otherwise. A couple months of consistent behavior would be a good sign.

[NoMoreJerks]

If you go to a therapist, and go so far as to show her (I hope it's a woman) ALL your posting history here, I am sure you can do something to help yourself avoid repeating this pattern and becoming capable of taking situations involving men and SEX (which I think is a big dark place for you) in an appropriate pace for you AND for the man so he doesn't have to end up being a demon when he just felt like he and you were playing the same game.

And which game is that? I met him on an online dating website. I didn't meet him from a website where people solicit for sex. I would assume that people who are just looking for sex and aren't interested in anything serious, would not be on a dating site, or if they are, that they will make it clear to the person they're seeing/talking to. Otherwise, yes, they are a "demon", and no, we would not be playing the same game, even if we both agreed to have sex on the second date.

[xxoo]

That's a bad assumption. A guy looking for a relationship may still accept opportunities for casual sex. Women do, too. People are multifaceted.

[NoMoreJerks]

You were not treated disrespectfully; YOU had early sex with a guy and you two are completely equal in choosing to do it. And now you two are completely equal in deciding whether to spend any more time together or not. I hope it's "not," because this is already completely toxic and can not be redeemed.

What on earth are you talking about??? This has NOTHING to do with sex. It's unrelated. My issue was not with sex or the fact that we had sex. I didn't feel disrespected for anything having to do with sex. Yes, we agree on one thing: we both are equal in deciding whether to spend any more time together. He made his choice clear. And I made my decision... He seems to want to have his cake and eat it too , though, and expect me to feel honored that he did not want to spend time with me, and to accept to spend time with him on his terms, when he wishes to, and never on my terms. Going out with someone / dating / relationships require a little bit of flexibility. If you're always trying to dictate your way, that's not a give-and-take. It's control. Your way or the high way is not a healthy way of dating. This is what this guy wants to do: he wants to flake when he wants, but not pay the price. He wants me to still be there, and act like nothing has happened. Well, he made it clear he didn't want to spend time with me, which is all good. But it made me decide not to let him keep one foot in the door. I don't want to be anyone's passing time candidate. He made his decision and I made mine. What's the problem? It seems people think I am going off the deep end because I "overreacted." Oh great, I'm supposed to tell him to have fun, and then go back for some more of the same??! WHat about a healthy dose of boundaries and a backbone ? I don't have to settle for anyone who doesn't satisfy what I think are very basic needs: mutual respect and mutual interest. Otherwise what's the point in continuing to see each other. Well for him there might be a point: "I don't want sex," said NO man ever. But I want more than that and clearly, if he wanted more than that, he would've put in more effort, so I am moving on. People have been tellign me I am overreacting, though, and that I should've given him a "second chance." we all know what happened when I did that with the guy I was "with."

[jcrew11]

I am serious - PLEASE seek professional help.

 

Every time you come back to LS, you start a thread that's basically reasonable, and then you seem to get hysterical and go off the deep end with rage and completely off the charts reactions to what's going on. You go through the emotions of a person in a multi year relationship over a person you DO NOT KNOW, with whom you have NO mutual obligations or expectations, and who you've literally interacted with for a handful of hours.

 

I wonder if it's the format of typing on a forum that promotes you building things up into a big maelstrom? Like you're whipping yourself up into a frenzy? Or do you function like this in real, everyday life?

.

 

I agree that she would probably benefit from therapy, instead of coming to messageboards and having random strangers act as therapists. And messageboards are not the best way to get advice, some of it is okay but the advice may not be suitable for a person's history or culture. The OP is clearly emotionally erratic judging from her many, many posts. Only Therapists have the patience to deal with this type of person. The OP is extremely socially naive and socially inexperienced with men or with dating, having had only one Long distance boyfriend. She also comes from a non-western conservative culture, and for whatever reason, has never had any relationships with men in the past. I think that much of her emotional outbursts comes from her general lack of dating knowledge, social intelligence, or common sense. Many people from immigrant cultures find it difficult to fully understand or comprehend relationships with people outside of the culture they grew up in. Some set of traditional values or conservative values may not be viewed the same from people from western society. The only way a person can learn is through experience; and not complaining about cultural misunderstandings. She may benefit from free therapy that her university offers.

[NoMoreJerks]

That's a bad assumption. A guy looking for a relationship may still accept opportunities for casual sex. Women do, too. People are multifaceted.

Yeah. But if he's looking at me as casual sex material, he is not looking for a relationship with ME.

[xxoo]

You are putting forth extremes in reactions: outrage or doormat.

 

The heathy middle ground is recognizing this guy of 3 dates is not a match, and telling him so. You need something he isn't offering. No need to demonize him.

[NoMoreJerks]

I agree that she would probably benefit from therapy, instead of coming to messageboards and having random strangers act as therapists. And messageboards are not the best way to get advice, some of it is okay but the advice may not be suitable for a person's history or culture. The OP is clearly emotionally erratic judging from her many, many posts. Only Therapists have the patience to deal with this type of person. The OP is extremely socially naive and socially inexperienced with men or with dating, having had only one Long distance boyfriend. She also comes from a non-western conservative culture, and for whatever reason, has never had any relationships with men in the past. I think that much of her emotional outbursts comes from her general lack of dating knowledge, social intelligence, or common sense. Many people from immigrant cultures find it difficult to fully understand or comprehend relationships with people outside of the culture they grew up in. Some set of traditional values or conservative values may not be viewed the same from people from western society. The only way a person can learn is through experience; and not complaining about cultural misunderstandings. She may benefit from free therapy that her university offers.

I'm Canadian. My parents were somewhat overprotective and conservative (socially), but I've also had a lot of self-esteem / body issues and never really bothered to take care of my looks (due to poor body image/beauty issues) until very very recently (in the past 2 years). That's why I've never had relationships / dated before.

[xxoo]

Yeah. But if he's looking at me as casual sex material, he is not looking for a relationship with ME.

 

Correct.

 

Do you wish you'd known that before sex?