No Spark? or Not Used to Drama-Free Dating?

[NoMoreJerks]

No, this guy wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants to be free to ogle and take other women home, AND ditch me at whim, AND expects me to stick around. I don't expect "commitment" at this point (though I would not sleep around or even go out with other men while I am going out with someone, even if it's just the first few dates -- I think it DOES say a lot about a person if they do that), but I do expect a modicum of respect. If you want to have your cake (party with other women) and at the same time get away with having ditched me BECAUSE you PREFER THAT, then you are a jerk of the first degree. As simple as that. And here I was, worried about not hurting him, not stringing him along, etc., because I have some ex baggage. God, I am a COMPLETE RETARD.

[NoMoreJerks]

While I apologize if I sounded judgmental, I did read your entire thread and I stand by my assessment. This fellow may well be a jerk, but you're still analyzing and reacting to what he's done. You're still involved in drama.

Just because I am looking at what happened and why it happened, and why I jumped head-first into this and made such assumptions about him being a nice guy, doesn't mean it's "drama." It's about learning from my own mistakes. I still analyze my behavior with my ex. It's not about being stuck in the past, or wanting my ex back. It's about making sure not to repeat the smae mistakes again. Otherwise, no one would learn anything from any situation or experience. It's called learning. And learning the correct lessons requires analysis. It's not drama at all, though it is easy for you to say that since I have "issues". It's a good cop-out, like I said. It doesn't do justice to the situation or me, though.

 

You did not hit a nerve. You accused me of "having a part in this" when it was a one-sided decision on his part, based on his preference to party with his friends and women he doesn't know, rather than to hang out with me (or ask me to join him). Even I did not know the full story until my friend told me (just a little while ago) what had happened. That brings a lot of clarity to the situation I think.

Edited September 29, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[NoMoreJerks]

Also, I am not angry because he "rejected" me. I decided to reject him (by not responding to his ditching text, and sending one-word replies to his small-talk texts after that) long before he rejected me (he wouldn't have minded having his cake and eating it too -- getting away with partying the night away with other women after having ditched me, while still keeping me on the side). What I AM angry at , though , is myself: I feel like a moron, for having put myself in a situation where someone could disrespect me like this. It doesn't help that I found out (he doesn't know that I know) WHY he decided to ditch me. Now I feel doubly disrespected and doubly angry (though I am GLAD I know -- it helps , if only slightly, to know he really WAS an *sshole). It also doesn't help that I was thinking all along about how NOT to hurt him, how NOT to string him along, how NOT to be UNFAIR to HIM. All the while, he was plotting how to blow me off (for the company of other women) without blowing his chances of continuing to have sex with me. Ring a bell? Oh yeah, REMINDS ME OF MY EX. And not because I am a crazy b*tch. It's because he is acting like the douche that my ex was.

 

Now I know why he did not even entertain the "middle ground" of asking me to hang out with him and his friends. He did not want me there, because that would've ruined his chances with other women at the party. My hunch was right -- he was compartmentalizing his life in such a way so as to have his cake and eat it too. Well, all the more power to him and his womanizer ways, I guess. I won't be part of his harem though, waiting in the wings, in case he decides at some point that I am worth his time or that he's too horny to wait for the other women he's courting to open their legs for him. I am SO glad I know. You don't just come to MY neighborhood and do your filthy deeds, and expect me not to know. I am happy that my friends have my back and have kept me informed about this. Otherwise I would've pranced along happily, dismissing his bad behavior, finding excuses for it just as I had done with my ex, giving him chance after chance while he disrespected me at whim.

Edited September 29, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[kiss_andmakeup]

Whoa! I've been following this thread and I completely understand your particular situation, and I thought you were handling it really well. But I'm shocked by your reaction to this recent situation!

 

You've been on three dates with this guy. Three! So he semi-flaked out on some loose plans - sure, that's not totally cool. It's even worthy of you saying "Meh, on to the next one." I totally get that! But look at your posts over the last two pages - you are visibly furious. I know you haven't been that way with him directly, but you certainly seem very volatile and angry in reality. Maybe it's time to take a step back and ponder why you're having such an intense reaction to this.

 

I know you mentioned this is the first time you've really dated...and you're afraid of being taken advantage of due to your history...I get it. But I think back to the third dates in my history...things were barely just getting started! If my fiancé had been a little flaky or wishy-washy or started losing interest around that time, sure, I would have been disappointed. Maybe I would have even stopped seeing him. But it would not have prompted numerous consecutive posts of outrage and anger like it has here with you.

 

Even though you claim having sex on the second date was no big deal...well...maybe it really was? Not necessarily because it made you "attached" per say, but it certainly makes you more susceptible to feeling "used," "fooled," and the other negative emotions you're describing. After three dates you're only just getting to know each other. So, question: if you two hadn't already had sex, and this same scenario occurred...would you still be this furious with him? I'm not asking whether you'd keep seeing him, because that's really not my point...I think you and this guy are totally wrong for each other. But I'm curious if you'd still be this upset and reactive if you hadn't had sex with him yet.

[NoMoreJerks]

I don't care that I had sex with him. I don't get attached by sex anymore. I've managed to create that disconnect in my head, by having a few one night stands. But no, I am angry at myself, yes furious. Not because it didn't work out, not because he was flaky. But because he thought I was the kind of woman that would stick around despite the fact that he was flaky. Possibly because *I* gave him that vibe. Possibly by being too nice to him, even reassuring him he wasn't boring when he said he thought he might bore me. I think he was just trying to emotionally manipulate me, into thinking he was so "cute" and "adorable" for admitting to his feelings of vulnerability or something. That's some advanced PUA stuff right there.

 

would you still be this furious with him?

I'm not furious WITH him. I'm disgusted with him. I'm furious at myself, for having assumed he was a "nice" guy, while he was playing "catch another p*ssy" all along, while disrespecting me by ditching me FOR THAT PURPOSE. The furiousness kicked in especially after I found out he had ditched me because of that graduate student party at which there usually are a lot of (very drunk) women. My friend used the following phrase to describe it: "things got out of hand." Edited September 29, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[Imajerk17]

I was thinking that.

 

NMJ, I was pretty hard on you here. I really feel overall that in dating you have an open door where you really would benefit from having more restrictive gates, and walls where you ought to have more open doors.

 

This whole thread is a lot of angry writing on your part for someone you only went on 2 dates with and who didn't even seem to quite blow you off as you feel he did. Except that, yes again, you had sex with him. I keep harping on this and you keep disagreeing with me, but if sex truly doesn't change that much for you, then you have to be about the only woman on the planet for whom this is true.

[NoMoreJerks]

My friend used the following phrase to describe the situation last night at the location where his event had been taking place: "things got out of hand." That's what HE was doing with other women, after BLOWING ME OFF then making small-talk with me to make sure I was still around and wasn't mad at him for ditching me.

[NoMoreJerks]

I was thinking that.

 

NMJ, I was pretty hard on you here. I really feel overall that in dating you have an open door where you really would benefit from having more restrictive gates, and walls where you ought to have more open doors.

 

This whole thread is a lot of angry writing on your part for someone you only went on 2 dates with and who didn't even seem to quite blow you off as you feel he did. Except that, yes again, you had sex with him. I keep harping on this and you keep disagreeing with me, but if sex truly doesn't change that much for you, then you have to be about the only woman on the planet for whom this is true.

So you are saying that I really have feelings for this disgusting, pathetic POS, because I slept with him? That's the most laughable thing I have ever heard. For the record, i have slept with other men before (who wined and dined me ), who have ended up flaking on me. I didn't care, didn't obsess about them, and when they reappeared 2 months later, I ignored them / didn't want to see them. I have also done several one night stands and am perfectly capable of not having feelings for someone just because I slept with them. My ex was the exception because I was really not in a good state of mind AT ALL. I had just lost my virginity to him and he was the first guy ever who had paid attention to me (romantically/sexually) and the first guy I had ever kissed (and had sex with). It was very different. I actually did a few one night stands to get that out of my system, that sort of "getting obsessed with someone because I had sex with him once or twice". It worked. I have ZERO feelings for this man. I do NOT want to even see him again. And not because my ego was hurt. I am just thoroughly disgusted. He has ZERO integrity. That's pretty disgusting to me. I have standards now. I don't lower my standards just to be with a guy. You think I want to be with this guy because I had sex with him? LOL. I am disgusted that I had sex with a douchebag, but that's about the extent of it. But at least I know he is a douchebag early on. Imagine not sleeping with him for some time, only to find out months later, after really developing feelings for him and sleeping with him, that he was a douchebag anyway.

 

Also, I WAS going to give this guy the benefit of the doubt. I DID want to keep on seeing him, even admitted I might have been scrutinizing his texts and being unfair to him. I even talked about not wanting to hurt him, not stringing him along. All that, while he was chasing other p*ssy (sure, he's free to do that at this stage, but it doesn't mean I get to look at him favorably or respectfully). What woman wouldn't feel disrespected after being so nice to a man who was chasing p*ssy at the time that they would've spent together, which he cancelled because he wanted to chase other p*ssy?

Edited September 29, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[NoMoreJerks]

Also, in the past, SUCH an incident would've left me jaded and made me say mean stuff about ALL men. Not so. I can see that just because some men are jerks (like him, my ex, the guy who disappeared for 2 months and reappeared, etc.) doesn't mean that all or even most men are. That's saying a lot, to be honest. I am assessing this situation from a really healthy perspective, and have put aside a lot of the baggage that previously made me sound so jaded.

 

And if I appear to be overly-furious, it's both because I AM furious (at being disrespected), and because I am a VERY outspoken person. I always had been, until I met my ex. Which is why my friends were shocked to see me become a TOTALLY different person. They couldn't recognize me anymore. Now I am back to what I was like, fuming against disrespect (no matter who does it) and injustice (in general, not related to relationships).

[SilentVoice]

You are delusional.

The mere fact that you even care enough is alarming.

How did you go from no interest to actually caring so much.

You should have took his self conceived "ditch" as an out and backed off since you don't even like him.

 

Yet you are trying to convince yourself that you actually don't.

The ending of this thread proves different.

 

I am pretty sure you will end back up with this guy a couple times.

Not because of his so called ditch, but because you seem to need the constant up and downs in your life.

Like you stated you need the drama.

 

If you think your slew of one night stands was a way for you to get over your ex -- you are mistaking my dear.

You are young and have tons of growing up to do.

Do yourself a favor and review this thread.

Look at how you handled things

You need to figure out why.

[NoMoreJerks]

You should have took his self conceived "ditch" as an out and backed off since you don't even like him.

Um, I did?

 

I am pretty sure you will end back up with this guy a couple times.

I have already entered his number into my spam folder, and deleted the # from my phone. So no, you are wrong. If I have a modicum of respect for myself, I will not get back with this guy (actually, we were not "together") or even respond to any calls in case he calls me.

 

Not because of his so called ditch, but because you seem to need the constant up and downs in your life.

Like you stated you need the drama.

I may have admitted that I was addicted to drama, but it doesn't mean I created it in this situation.This guy was clearly playing a push-pull game with me, ditching me then doing small-talk. I stopped responding altogether, and engaging with the drama. Just because I keep on posting here about it, does not mean there is ANY drama whatsoever...

 

was a way for you to get over your ex

It wasn't a way to get over my ex. I was already over my ex, dear. I was over my ex the minute I saw those pictures and videos of the Thai prostitute he had been courting/f*cking/paying/whatevering. I have zero feelings for that man, just pure disgust. Not even anger anymore.

 

Look at how you handled things

You need to figure out why.

Yes, you're right. I need to look at how I handled things. I said that already. I need to look at WHY I even THOUGHT this guy was a "nice guy" in the first place. I am too naive and trusting, perhaps. Edited September 29, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[Mrlonelyone]

OP You created all of the drama here. To answer the title question you, like most young women, need drama in your sexual relationships.

 

 

Men are simple women like you make them complicated.

 

 

Men look at this if your a young man dating young women.... drama caused by her... means she wants to do you.

[NoMoreJerks]

There was no drama on my end, that's for sure. He was the one who brought in any drama. He mentioned such things as him being afraid of being boring, etc. That, to me, indicates PUA sh*t, or the desire for drama.

 

All I did was take up his offer to meet up. He bailed, to chase after other p*ssy. I thought him bailing after mentioning something (which made me book off that time slot and arrange my work -- which I do from home and even in the evenings -- around it) was rude and disrespectful. He made small-talk, which indicated he wanted to keep a foothold with me, while he played around with others. I felt disrespected. Then I found out (I didn't know initially), that he bailed on me because he was chasing after other women (I had initially thought he was just going out with his friends).Doubly disrespected (though he doesn't know I know, but fact is, I do know, and I feel even more disrespected now).

 

No drama on my part. He created all the drama, first by suggesting something he wasn't sure he wanted to do, then by bailing on his own offer to meet up, after I had said yes. He is the only one who is guilty of drama here. It was all of his own making. No guy (who is in a successful relationship unlike many people here including yourself who possibly struggle with relationships in the first place) I have asked about this, has so far told me that he was right and that I am being dramatic. And they are known to speak their minds and tell things as they are. They have always done that.

[NoMoreJerks]

Men look at this if your a young man dating young women.... drama caused by her... means she wants to do you.

No thanks. Gross. I don't want this man to come anywhere within a 2 mile radius of me.

[SilentVoice]

Ok, if no drama.

Stop talking about it.

Move on.

[NoMoreJerks]

Ok, if no drama.

Stop talking about it.

Move on.

Uh, who said I haven't moved on? Geez. There was nothing to "move on" from anyway. I am just analyzing why I even thought this guy was a nice guy: i.e., looking at my own mistakes. I don't give two sh*ts about him. How hard is that to grasp, really?

[SilentVoice]

Uh, who said I haven't moved on? Geez. There was nothing to "move on" from anyway. I am just analyzing why I even thought this guy was a nice guy: i.e., looking at my own mistakes. I don't give two sh*ts about him. How hard is that to grasp, really?

Why are you so hostile?

Not only to me but this whole thread.

Over analyzing something so small is pointless.

If this guy is an ******* -- move on.

There is nothing to figure out here.

That is what I mean by move on.

 

The only mistake I see here if you obsession with this situation.

However you don't see it as that so I don't need to convince you.

[SilentVoice]

SilentVoice sometimes people need to overanalyze a bad relationship so they can make progress to not repeat the same mistake.

What relationship?

[NoMoreJerks]

My SMS app failed to block his number (and on that note, anyone can tell me of an android app that can do that? this app I use , has failed twice now, once with my ex).

 

He didn't text me all day yesterday (he used to send me texts every day, and we used to do back and forth by text every day), then at 10:30pm he sent me something : "I hope your Sunday was excellent. Mine was a little bit busy." So busy that he in fact could not send me one text, which literally takes no more than 5 seconds to send.. He's being passive aggressive and basically telling me I'm not worth all that much, because if I were, he would've taken a few seconds in his "a little bit busy" day to send me a text (not even talking about a call here, which he's never made).

 

I didn't feel the need to reply.

 

This morning, he sends a text : "Good morning."

 

I didn't reply.

 

I'm not replying.

 

The least he should've done after blowing me off , was be a little bit apologetic, rather than act all busy and make passive aggressive remarks.

 

If he's so busy that he can't text me on a Sunday , he shouldn't be dating. Unless of course he was busy licking some other woman's p*ssy. In which case -- well, BARF.

 

After 3 dates, if a guy is into me, he will make more effort than just texting me in the first place, and wouldn't even dream of blowing me off like that, let alone doing so without an apology. Good riddance, and lesson learned not to judge people as being nice until they demonstrate it with their actions.

Edited September 30, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[NoMoreJerks]

You have no right to be mad because he wanted to hang out with his friends.

I wasn't mad. There are good ways he could've said that to me. He was utterly disrespectful, especially that he had suggested getting together, though no, we had not made any SOLID plans, because he was a 1 minute walk away at that event and I had told him to text me when he was done, to meet up with him.

 

Yes it was a bit rude but you are completely overreacting.

It was more than rude. I thought it was just rude, too, when he blew me off to hang out with his friends. Turns out, though, it was not about hanging out with his friends. There was a party right outside the location where he was with his friends, and apparently a lot of female graduate students who were drunk. According to my friend, who has an office there, "things got out of hand." That's why he blew me off, and that's why he didn't suggest a middle-ground solution where I could join them (yes, we've only gone on 3 dates, but given the situation, that is probably the best middle ground solution -- I didn't care much about meeting his friends at that point anyway).

 

And honestly you were not even into him until he pulled back.

He never pulled back -- he was just disrespectful and blew me off for something better that came along (a lot of horny, drunk female students). And yes, I was into him, but not to the point of having sparks. I really liked him, thought he was a nice guy, was worried about hurting him and stringing him along. Now, I am not only NOT into him, but I am utterly disgusted. There is no way that I could even possibly LIKE him at this point, even if I forced myself into giving him another chance. :sick:

 

You probably seem to him like you're playing the games.

He can think what he wants, but I wasn't the one who blew HIM off, despite being sick and busy, I showed interest in hanging out. He didn't show any respect for my busy schedule which I had rearranged for our (tentative) casual date.

 

Plus all these speculations about other girls are completely not rational.

 

You are acting as if he is your man.

He wasn't my man, but I don't want to date a dog who continues to sniff around when he is really truly interested in getting to know a woman he's seeing... I don't multi-date, and I don't want to date one who does. I am not asking for commitment, but stop dating me if you're interested in other women. I do not date other men simultaneously. It's an indication of character/personality, IMO, if someone is willing to do that. I don't even go on multiple first dates, even though at that point, you haven't even met the person. I only do one at a time, and I think it's disrespectful and mercenary to do more than one at a time.

[NoMoreJerks]

And BTW YOU'RE being passive aggressive

 

You are ignoring him instead of confronting him

 

He's probably sitting there wondering what went wrong

If he hasn't figured it out yet, I don't think he's smart enough to fit my criteria for a potential date/boyfriend.

 

I am not being passive aggressive. I have no intention of ever getting back in touch with him. I am just fading out. Because that is the sort of ending this pathetic, disrespectful POS deserves.

[NoMoreJerks]

I wouldn't even mind multi-daters so much if they are doing it without disrespect, scheduling things on different days, and NOT blowing off one woman , because someone seemingly "better" came along. What does that tell the woman? That she is an option, a fallback girl. I am not anyone's option. He can go entertain his other options , but I refuse to be one of them.

[DivorcedSingles]

Don't you feel you have an over expecting and complaining nature.

[NoMoreJerks]

I expect a basic level of respect that I give even to total strangers that I interact with/talk to/arrange meet-ups with. You're saying that my expectations are too high? So I shouldn't expect not to be blown off, right? And if I am blown off like that, I should give him a chance because "sh*t happens"?? Yes, sh*t happens, but there's a difference between an "I can't make it cos I have a blown tire" and "I can't make it cos I prefer to hang out with my buddies (more like, drunk girls)." I mean, if some people have no standards, it doesn't mean that I shouldn't. If not having standards works for some people, all the more power to them, but I am not desperate enough to settle for the first guy who comes along no matter what he says and does, just because I am interested in dating and having a relationship with someone.

[NoMoreJerks]

You assume he's looking for girls because there's a party with girls

You are ASSUMING.

No, I am not assuming. My friend TOLD ME SO (she has an office RIGHT NEXT DOOR). Those are her words not mine, and they are fact, not assumptions. "Things got out of hand."

 

And girls are everywhere hate to break it to you..

Yes, but you don't blow off a girl you're seeing, because you want to hang out with them. And then expect that she keep on talking to you and volunteer to be your fallback girl or something.

 

also, I recall earlier in your thread that you turned him down for hanging out then suggest something "light"

No, I never turned him down.

 

and you can turn him down yet get upset when he decides not to hangout?

I NEVER , not once, turned him down. What are you talking about? I went out of my way to meet him, even asked him out on the third date. I was willing to meet him despite being in a little bit of physical discomfort. Guess I appeared to be too desperate (in my attempts to indicate interest), and he thought he had already bagged me so he didn't have to work for my interest/attention anymore.

 

You are acting as if you have a claim on him.

No, I am acting like I have a claim on myself and my self-respect. That is all. Did I give him sh*t for having blown me off? Not even. I didn't say a word. I don't need to nag at him or act like I own him. We all make our own decisions. He made his. Now I'm making mine. You're acting like I have no right to walk away from a situation that I feel is disrespectful, and that doing so makes me 1) not ready to date; 2) passive aggressive; 3) a b*tch. Edited September 30, 2013 by NoMoreJerks