No Spark? or Not Used to Drama-Free Dating?

September 27, 2013

Thanks. I'm going to take a wait-and-see approach. Some might disagree with it, and it does make me a little bit uneasy, but I'll just stick with it and see where it goes, and if I feel like I can't do it anymore, I'll just have a talk with him and ask to take it slowly or just tell him it's not working for me.

September 27, 2013

The only thing is... this girl has a history of abusive relationships. Telling her "just wait and when you meet the right guy, the spark will be there" may not cut it, because she may only be capable of feeling a deep, gut-level attraction to an abusive guy (or a guy who presents the same superficial personality characteristics as an abusive type, whatever those might be).

Back in the day, listening to Loveline on my way home from work (this was before Dr. Drew sold out and went Hollywood and Adam turned into Bill O'Reilly), when a girl who had a tendency to fall for the wrong kinda guy would call in, she would often ask, well, how do I know if he's the wrong kinda guy? And Drew and Adam would invariably say... because YOU'RE interested in him. That's what your internal systems are wired to respond to, and that's how you know.

I think the best thing would probably be for you to casually date a variety of different KINDS of guys - sporty guys, geeky guys, artsy guys, whatever - and figure out what kind of personality and/or physical appearance you respond to, while at the same time subtly trying to train yourself out of only responding to anger, emotional manipulation, and other controlling behaviors. Don't get too deep into things with any one guy until you feel yourself starting to respond to him on an emotional level, even though they may take a LONG time in your situation. And take care that you're responding to that eventual guy for the right reasons.

September 27, 2013

OK, just to give people a sense of what I am talking about when I say he's very "formal" in an almost weird/nonsensical way:

Here's a text conversation between us just a while ago:

Me: "How's your afternoon?"

Him: "Well, it took a little bit of a left turn. I thought I was pretty much finished this project, but then suddenly the fellow behind the idea tells me that he wants a completely different dataset than the one he asked for earlier."

Me: "I hate it when they change their mind halfway through! My supervisor also does the same."

Him: "That has to be highly annoying."

Wait, WHAT??! I just implied that it's annoying, why repeat it? and "that has to be"? You already said it happened to you. Just say "yeah, really annoying!"

It's this sort of stuff that puts me off. And I am not sure why he uses that language , if it's because he's awkward and not sure what to say, or wants to come off as sophisticated because he thinks I'm too smart for him?!

Does anyone see my point now?

September 27, 2013

NMJ,

You sound exactly like me. Everything you wrote here- it feels like you're reading my mind because I am in the same sitch!

Except for the part about dating the nice guy, the sex, etc.

But I've had very toxic friendships, and recently I could have had a toxic relationship if I hadn't shut it down. The drama is very addicting. I don't even remember what sparks feel like, because I've been after guys who verbally abused me for so long.

This unrequited love, or strong yearning for the abusive guy in question, is irrational. I think it creates some very overwhelming energy inside. I find that if I talk to someone or write all my thoughts and feelings down, I feel like I've unloaded some of that energy. It also helps to put everything into perspective. Maybe the reason why you're chasing these "men" is because your mind refuses to acknowledge they are POS. Maybe your mind is trying to justify why they acted a certain way towards you. I feel I do that.

I remember a toxic "friend" started off chasing me, got me interested, then started playing games. He'd call me horrible things and laugh when I got upset and asked him to stop. Some days he was great, some days he was a POS, it varied. I kept telling myself, oh he's having a bad day, oh he's just nervous around me because he likes me and blurted something silly out, etc. Making excuses for his behaviour. Unacceptable.

Drama fills you with rush and excitement. You get addicted to the a$$clown creating the drama because he puts you in situations that get you excited. Drama gives you something to talk about, but in the long run, it doesn't make you happy.

September 27, 2013

I think you're being ridiculous.

However, the exchange you posted does give a sense as to what might be wrong with YOU. You just might not be currently wired for a healthy relationship. You seem to find small things like what this guy does to be "annoying" and yet you were not turned off with the crappy stuff every other guy you dated did. It even sounds that you found their crappy behavior to be a turn-on to you.

And yet, even though this guy doesn't seem to appeal to you that much and you haven't known him for that long, you still had sex with him, subjecting yourself to way too much emotional and physical risk (you can get pregnant even with "protection"). Boundaries.

What is especially crazy is that if HE happens to decide that YOU aren't the one for him, a switch inside you will likely be switched and you will become obsessed with him.

Have you considered therapy?

OK, just to give people a sense of what I am talking about when I say he's very "formal" in an almost weird/nonsensical way:

Here's a text conversation between us just a while ago:

Me: "How's your afternoon?"

Him: "Well, it took a little bit of a left turn. I thought I was pretty much finished this project, but then suddenly the fellow behind the idea tells me that he wants a completely different dataset than the one he asked for earlier."

Me: "I hate it when they change their mind halfway through! My supervisor also does the same."

Him: "That has to be highly annoying."

Wait, WHAT??! I just implied that it's annoying, why repeat it? and "that has to be"? You already said it happened to you. Just say "yeah, really annoying!"

It's this sort of stuff that puts me off. And I am not sure why he uses that language , if it's because he's awkward and not sure what to say, or wants to come off as sophisticated because he thinks I'm too smart for him?!

Does anyone see my point now?

Edited September 27, 2013 by Imajerk17

September 27, 2013

However, the exchange you posted does give a sense as to what might be wrong with YOU. You just might not be currently wired for a healthy relationship. You seem to find small things like what this guy does to be "annoying" and yet you were not turned off with the crappy stuff every other guy you dated did. It even sounds that you found their crappy behavior to be a turn-on to you.

Oh please. As I stated, I am not looking for excuses not to see this guy. I am trying really hard not to freak out and not stop dating him. I do like him. But he does sound more than just awkward. I don't feel comfortable with a guy trying too hard to seem sophisticated because he has an inferiority complex that I am too smart for him. I want an equal, not someone who feels inferior. I did not get turned off by the crappy stuff my ex did to me ? Oh sure I did. For some time,I tried to find excuses for it, and thought the problem was from my end (he was a master manipulator and gaslighted me and made me think I was crazy, super-needy, etc.), and he busted my boundaries. I stayed with him for various reasons (some of which having to do with my own unhealthy personality/state of mind or whatever it is and partly due to inexperience in relationships and not knowing that the drama was NOT normal). Eventually, I woke up to the truth, though, and the thing that really helped was to find out that he had cheated on me. That, to me, was the blow that TRULY woke me up, otherwise I probably would've taken him back a dozen more times if he had broken things off again and again. So no, I no longer put up with crappy behaviors. The last time a guy did that (a guy who wined and dined me, then disappeared for 2 months and reappeared as if nothing had happened), I did not even bother to engage/reply. I am not that stupid, and I have learned my lesson. Sure, I might not feel attracted to "nice" guys and I might feel that attraction/addiction to drama-guys, but I now know to stop myself short of getting involved. Only that, that leaves me in a sort of limbo, where I still cannot get attracted to men who aren't as "slick" as those douchebags.

you can get pregnant even with "protection"

I am on birth control, so pregnancy is not a possibility, since there's double protection. The odds of that are about 0.00000000001%.

What is especially crazy is that if HE happens to decide that YOU aren't the one for him, a switch inside you will likely be switched and you will become obsessed with him.

Unlikely. Sure, rejection would hurt regardless of who does it, but I wouldn't chase after him. And anyway, I wouldn't chase after anyone who rejects me. I used to do that, but not anymore. I've grown a backbone and can accept/deal with rejection and not chase after men who don't value me/think I am appropriate for them. I've learned how to let go. It was the hardest thing to do with my ex (and I would've stuck to NC if he hadn't really played on my feelings with his texts during the first 3 break-ups) because I was so attached to him, but even then, I never contacted him, he was the one who always contacted me and did his best to lure me back in. This last time, though, it didn't work. I am intent on not chasing after anyone who doesn't see me as more than an option.

September 28, 2013

Well actually the odds of you getting pregnant are much higher than that...more like .5% *every time you have sex*. That sounds really low still but the odds multiply by the number of times you and he have sex over the course of a relationship.

Anyway this whole story of your new relationship just doesn't sound healthy. "I'm not sure about him but because he seems like a nice guy I slept with him and now here I am on LS trying to rationalize to strangers how I like him". WTF. It should take more than a guy being "nice" for you to decide to have sex w him.

Overall it's sounding like you are settling, just picking the first decent guy to come along. If you were not you wouldn't be sleeping w someone you have all these doubts about.

Edited September 28, 2013 by Imajerk17

September 28, 2013

I have to say, I don't see the exaggerated formality or social awkwardness you're pointing to in that convo. It may not be that you're looking for excuses to stop seeing him, so much (as you seem to be very enamored of the idea of being in a relationship with a "respectable" guy), but that you're looking for things to nitpick as a way of keeping yourself off-balance and in a state of discontentment - perhaps trying to *create* that all-important drama you otherwise feel is lacking.

September 28, 2013

The only thing is... this girl has a history of abusive relationships. Telling her "just wait and when you meet the right guy, the spark will be there" may not cut it, because she may only be capable of feeling a deep, gut-level attraction to an abusive guy (or a guy who presents the same superficial personality characteristics as an abusive type, whatever those might be).

Back in the day, listening to Loveline on my way home from work (this was before Dr. Drew sold out and went Hollywood and Adam turned into Bill O'Reilly), when a girl who had a tendency to fall for the wrong kinda guy would call in, she would often ask, well, how do I know if he's the wrong kinda guy? And Drew and Adam would invariably say... because YOU'RE interested in him. That's what your internal systems are wired to respond to, and that's how you know.

I think the best thing would probably be for you to casually date a variety of different KINDS of guys - sporty guys, geeky guys, artsy guys, whatever - and figure out what kind of personality and/or physical appearance you respond to, while at the same time subtly trying to train yourself out of only responding to anger, emotional manipulation, and other controlling behaviors. Don't get too deep into things with any one guy until you feel yourself starting to respond to him on an emotional level, even though they may take a LONG time in your situation. And take care that you're responding to that eventual guy for the right reasons.

Hi TB Rhine,

Your first paragraph really summed it up brilliantly.

And this:

"how do I know if he's the wrong kinda guy? And Drew and Adam would invariably say... because YOU'RE interested in him. That's what your internal systems are wired to respond to, and that's how you know."

Yes, this is precisely WHY I wanted to go out with this guy, because I knew that I had this destructive pattern and wanted to break out of it, and see what other possibilities were out there and to make myself experience those things. It's out of my comfort zone and it really makes me panic but I know that the fact that I am interested in certain men makes them the wrong kind of men. So far, I can't say that theory has been proven wrong with me.

I have actually dated a few guys , who were radically different. My criteria are usually quite stringent, in terms of career/job especially, so most of the time that rules out artsy/into-music type men, etc. But I've dated a variety of other types of men, ranging from the super-nerdy and extremely socially awkward to the highly motivated outgoing extroverted businessman, etc. The really awkward/nerdy guys were, from my experience, the nicest ones, but the level of boredom with one was super high (the one who kept talking only about himself and his job), and the current one is so-so. Actually , the current guy is not so boring . I enjoy his company but I still struggle to find topics to talk about. This wasn't the case with the (douchebag) businessman guy I went out with, we never ran out of things to talk about, it was effortless, and very enjoyable. He was a douchebag nonetheless. But maybe that indicates that my type is more outgoing/extroverted men? I 'd say I am an introvert / on the shy / reserved side, but I do find that extroverted people tend to bring out the best in me, make me talkative, and more sociable. I can end up being quite the chatterbox, I've discovered. And I feel all my awkwardness goes away and I stop thinking about any self-esteem issues because I am too busy enjoying my time. The businessman douchebag was intellectually stimulating / and I felt we were on the same wavelength in the quality of our conversations. That, however, also shows me that this is not the end all and be all of a relationship/dating. You can enjoy one's intelligence but that might not mean that he is not a douchebag...

September 28, 2013

Nomorejerks, I seem to be attracted to men that are bad for me. If that's the case for you; why don't you give him a chance? You may be pleasantly suprised.

September 28, 2013

Well actually the odds of you getting pregnant are much higher than that...more like .5% *every time you have sex*. That sounds really low still but the odds multiply by the number of times you and he have sex over the course of a relationship.

Birth control pills have less than a 1% failure rate if taken properly and on time (which I do). Combined with condoms, which also have a high rate (albeit not as high as BC) of success, the chances of getting pregnant are close to 0.

Anyway this whole story of your new relationship just doesn't sound healthy. "I'm not sure about him but because he seems like a nice guy I slept with him and now here I am on LS trying to rationalize to strangers how I like him". WTF. It should take more than a guy being "nice" for you to decide to have sex w him.

Uh, what? Where did you get that from? I did not sleep with him because he's nice.

Overall it's sounding like you are settling, just picking the first decent guy to come along. If you were not you wouldn't be sleeping w someone you have all these doubts about.

I am not settling. I am giving someone a chance. I am going along with it, to explore whether it is going to work for me. Just because I don't get sparks and fireworks flying with this guy doesn't mean I should just end things with him and that I am stringing him along if I don't.

September 28, 2013

I have to say, I don't see the exaggerated formality or social awkwardness you're pointing to in that convo. It may not be that you're looking for excuses to stop seeing him, so much (as you seem to be very enamored of the idea of being in a relationship with a "respectable" guy), but that you're looking for things to nitpick as a way of keeping yourself off-balance and in a state of discontentment - perhaps trying to *create* that all-important drama you otherwise feel is lacking.

We had some more conversations a while ago, and he said he didn't want to become predictable and boring. It seems like he has self-esteem issues and feels like I'm too good for him or that he 's not on top of his game. I told him not to sweat it. But I feel like the fact that he's saying that stuff might be a good thing or a bad thing, or both at once. It might be a good thing because he's honest and open about his feelings and is not a narcissist who will never admit to having any vulnerabilities/fears. But it's bad in the sense that it caters to my mothering / care-taking/ Florence-nightingaleing personality because I rush to "mother" someone who has issues like that (and boy did my ex have issues that I wanted to fix). I don't know why he said what he did. I wonder if he got a bit bored with me himself, and thought I wasn't being very talkative / putting in more effort because *I* thought he was boring? I felt like he wasn't really putting in much effort/ wasn't as attentive/talkative on the third date.. both during dinner and after, when we got back to my place to watch Breaking Bad. I don't know. Bizarre. I don't think I am imagining things, or that I am nitpicking, really. And there is no drama. I don't want to have any drama. No energy for it anymore. Not even sure I have the energy or the time to date actually. Too much effort. Maybe my laziness is just a defense mechanism because I don't want to go through the whole dating thing again and get hurt. *shrug*

September 28, 2013

Nomorejerks, I seem to be attracted to men that are bad for me. If that's the case for you; why don't you give him a chance? You may be pleasantly suprised.

That's what I'm doing. I just hope he doesn't say more awkward/weird stuff by text , because that turns me off . It would've turned me off my ex (back when I was interested in him) too, I suspect, if he had said the same stuff. How hard is it to just be natural when texting? Just be yourself -- unless he IS being himself and that's the way he is. I really think it's a nerves thing, so I feel bad about that, I have tried to reassure him several times, but I also don't want him to take me for granted, so I don't know what's a good balance between reassuring him that I don't think he's boring/etc., and coming across as not expecting anything from him.

September 28, 2013

Well from how you described your second date w this guy--and how you are talking about him now, it seems safe to say that you had sex w him for the wrong reasons. I actually feel kinda bad for this guy, from the way you describe him he sounds like a chump.

Just because he's different from your ex doesnt mean he's right or even worth having sex with.

September 28, 2013

Well from how you described your second date w this guy--and how you are talking about him now, it seems safe to say that you had sex w him for the wrong reasons. I actually feel kinda bad for this guy, from the way you describe him he sounds like a chump.

Just because he's different from your ex doesnt mean he's right or even worth having sex with.

A chump??! No. I like him and respect him and think he's a decent guy and I don't think of him as a chump. I don't want to string him along or take advantage of him and I don't think I'm doing that. I just feel bad because he seems to think too highly of me compared to him. And yes, it makes me uncomfortable, because I don't think too highly of myself, but also because I just want someone who is an equal, I don't want to jump from being trampled on, to a relationship where I trample on and look down upon someone and abuse their self-esteem issues as a "rebound" from my relationship with my ex.

September 28, 2013

Go back and reread your posts. You dont speak too highly of him in many of your posts... In fact really the only nice thing you say about him is that he's a decent guy.

Edited September 28, 2013 by Imajerk17

September 28, 2013

Go back and reread your posts. You dont speak too highly of him in many of your posts... In fact really the only nice thing you say about him is that he's a decent guy.

NMJ is a very special and unique case that you have to treat differently than probably the average person. Its quite easy for anyone to say 'dump him.' But having read NMJ's many exasperated and dramatic posts on the forum over the past several months, its better to encourage "non-drama" with safe, nice guys.

Part of NMJ's situation is that she has had only been with one boyfriend, and cannot move past him. Part of getting over someone is establishing a solid relationship with a New Boyfriend.

Living life alone and single is a drag for those people who lack social experience. It is essential for NMJ to obtain more social experience by having a stable relationship with a man. I think that part of posts is just to vent about stuff, that shouldn't be taken that seriously. I think people come to this forum to get advice, but some people also just like to have long-winded venting sessions as an emotional outlet. Many women just like to vent and complain about their boyfriends or husbands all day; just to let out an emotional release. Some people just need the emotional release.

September 28, 2013

DISCLAIMER: I don't mean any of this to sound judgemental. Just trying to help.

NMJ, after reading the TONS of text you've written on this, I can't help but feel you are the one who is more nervous about the relationship. I've done the same thing on these message boards. Written walls and walls of text and it's always a sign that I'm obsessing and freaked out (we can smell our own

The exchange you posted didn't seem the least bit weird or overly formal. The only thing that struck me as odd was your reaction to it and how you dissected something as simple as a text.

Your other posts also seem to be laced with tons of judgement on this guy as well as rather unusual speculations about the things that might be wrong with him. I really suggest you go back and re-read what you've posted because it seems like you're really projecting a lot on this dude (thinking he might frequent Thailand for hookers or secretly be a horder is a bit much).

Honestly, it's going to be hard for you to ever find a spark with anyone if you're putting them through this level of scrutiny. This guy is NOT your ex boyfriend. You've said he's amazingly different. Thus, expecting him to have the same issues as your ex and the other "jerks" you've dated is not useful and not fair to him.

I think you really need to take this a day at a time and make a conscious effort to stop judging this guy or trying to find out what's wrong with him. Give it a few weeks and try to force yourself to accept him as he is. If, after that time, you still don't feel anything then break up with him. If you can't stop judging all these things he does (like his job, formality, ect); then maybe you should end it now because it's not really nice to him to stick around when you feel this way about him. Either way, I'd also suggest talking to someone (a professional) about the lingering damage your EX did to you.

Once again, I hope none of this came off as super harsh. You've clearly been through a lot and have a lot of walls up. I think it's great you're trying to date a different kind of guy after getting burned by jerks. I think you just need to let yourself heal and stop subjecting this guy to such incredible scrutiny. I know I wouldn't want to be spoken about the way you speak of him.

September 28, 2013

It's not so much a matter of "wanting" drama, in any kind of a conscious sense. Rather, you're accustomed to drama, so when you're in a relationship and there's none to be had, you get antsy. Something doesn't feel quite right. You feel like there's something missing, so you look for it elsewhere - in the conversational chemistry between the two of you, the guy's social skills (or lack thereof), etc. - when in fact what you're missing is the last thing you'd ever consciously think you would want.

As far as not having things to talk about... if that's important to you, then try and find guys with more common interests. Sadly, I've often found that the women I connect with on a conversational level and the ones I connect with on a romantic one are not often the same; I can either have the long, flowing conversation or the playtime followed by uncomfortable silence, LoL. I don't have a big philosophy about it or anything, I'm just not entirely sure those things have a lot to do with each other, as much as we might like to romanticize and fool ourselves that we do.

It's all well and good to give different kinds of guys a chance, regardless of whether or not you feel a strong initial "spark" with them. The danger, though, is hanging around too long, hoping to fake it til you make it, and then the poor guy falls in love and you can just never quite get there. "Well, I tried" probably isn't going to be much comfort to the poor dude in that situation.

September 28, 2013

Maybe you're right, and I am seeing too much in some words written in a text message. Personal interactions are kinda similar, too, though. But I got a text message earlier, and it was kinda similar, and I decided to not really think about it too much and just take it for what it was. When I did that, it didn't seem to bother me all that much after all. I think sometimes people might not know what to say, but they don't want to leave a text unanswered and that makes them say something awkward or whatever. Anyway, whatever it is, I've decided not to pay too much attention to it. Maybe I am being harsh on this guy. I didn't want to see him yesterday, because I was in some pain and also I had seen him the day before, and I want to keep a more of a dating atmosphere and not fast-forward to "hanging out" all the time, as I used to do with my ex. I feel like he wanted to hang out with me yesterday though and was sorta disappointed, and now I am worried I am giving off signs of disinterest... I am also very busy with a deadline coming up, and I am incredibly stressed,and feel guilty if I take some time off to do something unrelated to my work, and even more so if it involves going out of the house and going somewhere with him, etc. , so I feel like I want to take a week off seeing him but I am worried he might take that as a sign of disinterest or emotional unavailability. He asked me what my plans were for today -- he has an event til 9pm, but I told him I was up for something "light" if he wasn't too tired when he was done. I told him to text me whenever he finishes, if he is up for something. He hasn't responded. But we'll see. *shrug*

September 28, 2013

Years ago a girl I was trying to date broke my heart with the line 'there's no spark'; I was gutted but gave in. I totally get that everything else may be great but the 'spark' or 'wow' factor is the one thing we have no control over! As it turns out she wasn't very nice and I was better off without her.

September 28, 2013

Well, it looks like he's just after sex with me. I guess. I think he realized i was not up for sex. He just responded to my text, and said, "I would really love to, but it looks like I'm going to do something with my friends after since we're already all together. " So what's the problem if he invited me too? The place he's at for a programming event (the guy who runs the event is a friend of mine actually, and he knows that!), is like a stone's throw away from my place, so it's not like they're gonna go somewhere on the other side of town, I could easily join them. Unless he wants to keep me hidden, and/or he doesn't want to be known to be dating ,because he wants to keep his options open (he did say a female friend had invited him to the event -- or maybe he met some other girl there). Who knows. His loss, though. I am backing off. The last thing I want is to be played by this guy like my ex played me. He can chase after me if he is interested. I'm not even going to bother replying to his text. I am not interested in mindf*ckery / games like my ex used to play with me. *shrug* Actually, I don't think I'm even going to bother with this man again, even if he chases after me. There's some element of him wanting to compartmentalize his life / relationship with me.My ex did the same, and he was keeping me a secret/didn't want the commitment, etc. This guy might be wanting to keep things "simple" and not to proceed to the next level, maybe that's why he was so reluctant to talk about his place, for fear that I might want to go to his place some time. I just deleted his number. I don't want to bother with people like this, or chase after them. I'm done with chasing, and am flushing people like this from my life. I'm too naive. I thought he was socially awkward/nervous, and attributed his behavior to that so far. But I was probably wrong and he's just a douchebag. I need to be more alert and stop justifying people's behavior by attributing it to their shyness, etc. I did the same with my ex.

I was actually going to ask him if he wanted to go to an event with my friends tomorrow, we were going to this pub that has a dance floor. I wasn't gonna go because I'm too busy, but I thought if I could get my work done fast today, I can find the time to go, if he wanted to go with me. Forget it. Normal people would not mind introducing a girl they are seeing, to their friends. I don't think it's "too early" in the process either. It's not like I'm expecting/asking to meet his parents.

Edited September 28, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

September 28, 2013

Years ago a girl I was trying to date broke my heart with the line 'there's no spark'; I was gutted but gave in. I totally get that everything else may be great but the 'spark' or 'wow' factor is the one thing we have no control over! As it turns out she wasn't very nice and I was better off without her.

I really think I misjudged this guy, though. I am not big on the spark factor, and I've never experienced that with anyone, so I don't even believe in it. And I was going to go ahead and take a chance with this guy, despite the fact that being rejected would've really hurt a lot since I am still struggling with a lot of the baggage from my ex. But yeah, this shows that I am not ready for a relationship/dating. I horribly misjudged this guy and his interest level. I always give people the benefit of the doubt, and attribute their ****ty/weird behavior to their shyness, nervousness, etc. I did so much of that with my ex, too. For over a year. I dismissed a year of abuse, by attributing it to his previous experiences with women, his personal "problems", etc., even when my friends were screaming at the top of their lungs, that he was abusive and I should just LEAVE HIM. Thank goodness I saw this situation for what it is, early on, and I am not knowingly going to walk head-on into danger zone, even if there is a chance that I am wrong in how I am judging this guy NOW, after that text message. My gut feeling is screaming danger, red flags, etc. Maybe I am overreacting because of my experiences with my ex, but I really don't think so. I really think my gut feeling is saying I am being used by this guy. Maybe if I hadn't had sex with him early on, things might have been different, who knows. But I don't think a decent man would change his view of a woman just because of that. After all , he went for it too, no? Am I supposed to think of him badly too and not want to date him, because he accepted to have sex with me early on? Anyway, if that's the issue here, that sucks, but I don't think it's my problem. It's his and his alone. He can go f*ck himself, if that's what he thinks of me.

Even if he's doing something that most people think is "normal" at this stage in the dating process, the fact that I do not like it, means we are not a good fit.

September 28, 2013

You do see what you're doing, right? When he starts getting needy, wanting to hang out every day and whatnot, you become ambivalent; but when he's in any way rejecting toward you (such as choosing to hang out with his friends and not inviting you along), you get re-invested and start over-analyzing his behavior and feeling slighted.

You said you've been trying to distance yourself from this guy to some extent - not spend too much time with him, keep things "light," etc. - but you seem to want to do it without him catching on, and I don't think that's possible. If you want a guy to back off, you're going to have to communicate that message to him somehow, passively, aggressively, or otherwise. You can retain plausible deniability if you wish, but the guy's not going to back off unless he gets the message, one way or another.

When he does get the message and start backing off, however, you change your tune. This is just going to result in you entering into a constant push-pull dynamic with this guy, and that will come to nothing. Maybe he's following your lead and trying to back off or emotionally disengage - or maybe he simply took your "something light" suggestion seriously, and introducing you to a bunch of his friends is not a "light" activity to him.

Being open to meeting new people and trying new things does NOT necessarily indicate that you're prepared to get emotionally deep with a guy who's anything other than an abusive a--hole. In fact, at this early stage of your post-abuse dating development, it would be alarming if you WERE really feeling it for this guy - it would be a sign that he's probably a jerk, and is quite likely pushing subconscious buttons that you're not even aware of.

As for worrying about coming across as emotionally unavailable... you ARE emotionally unavailable. If a guy realizes that and chooses to withdraw, that's his prerogative. He's simply trying to protect himself emotionally. And your level of emotional investment in a man is not something that you should ever, in any circumstances, attempt to mislead him about.

September 28, 2013

You do see what you're doing, right? When he starts getting needy, wanting to hang out every day and whatnot, you become ambivalent; but when he's in any way rejecting toward you (such as choosing to hang out with his friends and not inviting you along), you get re-invested and start over-analyzing his behavior and feeling slighted.

Maybe, yeah, I guess you're right. But in the past, I would've chased after a guy who did that. Now? I don't want the drama. I can't take it. I don't want to go after drama, to feel bad, stressed, or whatever. I just want a normal relationship with no HOT/COLD behavior. Just treat me like normal. He was the one who had said that we can hang out after he's done with that event (which finishes at 9pm -- THAT is something "light" too, hanging out after 9pm). He shouldn't have said that if he knew there was the possibility of hanging out with friends (he knew his friends were gonna be there) and if he didn't want me to be present in the company of his friends. I don't like it when men are wishy-washy and put ideas in my head, and then turn me down when I put myself on the line and risk rejection, by asking them out because THEY suggested it.

My ex had a history of this. He put ideas in my head, then if I suggested pretty much the same exact thing a few hours later, he'd turn it down because he liked being in control and liked rejecting a woman. It's pure and simple mindf*ckery. If I am busy with friends and don't think I am up for hanging out with him, I just tell him I am going out with friends from the start. I don't tell him we can do something later on that evening, and then tell him, oh, but it looks like I prefer to hang out with my friends and imply that I don't want him there. That's utterly disrespectful / rude.

I don't think I will respond to this man again. I haven't responded to his last text, and won't. And if he messages me again (or god forbid, calls) , I won't respond/pick up. I need to assert my boundaries after that disrespectful behavior. You don't get to play games with my head. Not again, NOT EVER. If you wanted to hang out with me, you hang out with me. If you were trying to mislead me into thinking we were going to hang out tonight (and I was being easygoing and not expecting 3 day's notice ahead of time to do something together), and then turned me down because something better came along, then you can go ahead and spend all the time you want with those people, whoever they are, whether they're really your friends, or a woman you're interested in/just met. I refuse to be anyone's option again. I never thought of HIM as an option, much as I lacked a "spark" with him. I never treated him as such, and even worried about hurting him -- and I never even contemplated seeing anyone else. Guess my problem is that I get carried away too fast, too soon, and think most people are decent, when they really aren't. Live and learn.

Edited September 28, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

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