No Spark? or Not Used to Drama-Free Dating?

[NoMoreJerks]

Hi everyone,

 

So some of you might remember my story. If not, to sum it up, I was in an on-off pseudo-relationship thingy with a douchebag/abusive guy and we ended things a few months ago. I've been NC since June, so about 3 months and a half. He has since contacted me and all (on the phone, so I couldn't possibly block him short of changing my number), but I've remained NC. I have lost feelings for him, so it's all good.

 

For the past 3 months since the break-up, I had been feeling like I was not ready for dating , but a few weeks ago, I finally felt that maybe I was ready, and thought it would help to test the waters a little bit, and try the online dating thing. So I did, and went out on a coffee date with this guy. He was socially awkward, and the date felt really weird and awkward. But he seemed like a nice guy. And because I felt like I was always attracted to bad guys (like my ex), I thought I should give him another chance. So he asked me out on a second date, and this time we went for drinks, then we went bowling and played pool as well. It was ok, but I felt like there was too much "formality" in the way we were interacting/talking to each other. Almost like, the way men would've courted women in the old days, I guess. It's just weird, and I don't know how to explain it / put my finger on it. I thought it's because of nerves, and that the more we get used to each other, the more we'll just be our own selves and just talk a little less formally but it hasn't changed much since then. Anyway, I did have sex with him on the second date, but he's been very consistent and good since then -- he always texts, though he doesn't call. He's always the one initiating texts, so I was waiting on him to ask me out again but he didn't. So I asked him out on a third date because I felt like he was doing all the initiating/chasing and that I should show interest as well. We went to dinner, and he ended up paying because somehow, the waiter gave him the bill (and didn't split it) :S . I let him pay, even though I'd asked him out, because I didn't want to insist on paying, and end up being taken advantage of like my ex. Anyway, next time, I'll make up for it.

 

Anyway, the problem is: I still don't have any feelings for this guy, or much of an attraction. It's not the same as the way I felt with my ex, that excitement is lacking. This is my second time dating, so I don't know if this is generally the norm early on, or what. I mean, my ex was so toxic and the thing we had together was so drama-filled that I am not even sure at this point what normal dating/relationship would look like. So maybe it's the fact that it's so drama-free that I feel that there is no spark? Because he's so consistent and always texts, I don't have to stress out over whether he wants me, and so I am taking him for granted? I don't know, I usually don't like being chased, and always end up doing the chasing, but this time it's different and I am not sure I like it.

 

I guess I am not sure what I am asking here, but has anyone felt this way? I don't want to lead him on and string him along, so I guess I am wondering if I should end things because I am not feeling the spark? Or just wait it out? He seems very romantic, holds my hand, kisses my hand, kisses me , he's kissed me after our 2nd and 3rd date more than my ex kissed me in over a year. I feel like we're not on the same wavelength though. I am just worried that something died inside of me after that experience with the ex. After my break-up with my ex, I did a few one night stands, and contrary to the way I developed feelings for my ex after having sex with him (he was my first), I stopped myself from having any feelings with those people (well, it helped that I didn't have their contact info, am never going to see them again). But I feel like maybe that made me detach sex from feelings and now I am kinda trapped in that "great, let's have sex, but I am not getting attached to you" black hole? I don't know. I don't know if it's because of the guy, or a general thing I am going through. I guess this is partly a rant and partly a question/request to share experiences if you've had similar experiences. Maybe I am just being overprotective of myself and don't want to get hurt? After we had sex for the first time, I told him that I had broken up with my ex a few months ago, and that he cheated on me, and that I wasn't sure if I should be dating. So he knows, it's not like I am tricking him into being my rebound. He said, it's ok, we'll take it slowly. But I still feel bad about the whole situation? And now I feel trapped, I feel like it's too late to end things, because I will hurt him.

 

Any thoughts?

Edited September 26, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[mikei880]

Some tough love here..... 1. Talk to this new guy and tell him you can't do this anymore. It's going to smoke him, but this thing will come crashing down at some point anyways.2. Find a therapist, one that is good with women with self esteem problems. Abusive relationship, sex on the 2nd date, going out and pursuing a polar opposite of the last Dbag. I think you have some healing and lots of work to do. I wish you the best.

[clia]

Anyway, the problem is: I still don't have any feelings for this guy, or much of an attraction.

 

It sounds like he's not the right guy for you. I don't think it's normal at all to feel this way after three dates when you are with the right person. You should be feeling sparks, attraction, excitement, etc. on some level. It's not your fault or his fault -- things just don't work out sometimes. I think you should probably stop seeing him.

 

However, I am struggling to understand why you had sex with a guy who you aren't even attracted to and felt weird about on the second date.

[Zahara]

However, I am struggling to understand why you had sex with a guy who you aren't even attracted to and felt weird about on the second date.

 

^ This ^

 

Did you do it to see if sex would get you attracted or make you you view him differently?

 

If I'm getting a weird vibe or finding myself unattracted to a date, I don't think I could take it a step forward by having sex with him. Sex is a huge step. It as if I would be going backwards.

[Queen_Sophie_Anne]

Hi everyone,

 

So some of you might remember my story. If not, to sum it up, I was in an on-off pseudo-relationship thingy with a douchebag/abusive guy and we ended things a few months ago. I've been NC since June, so about 3 months and a half. He has since contacted me and all (on the phone, so I couldn't possibly block him short of changing my number), but I've remained NC. I have lost feelings for him, so it's all good.

 

For the past 3 months since the break-up, I had been feeling like I was not ready for dating , but a few weeks ago, I finally felt that maybe I was ready, and thought it would help to test the waters a little bit, and try the online dating thing. So I did, and went out on a coffee date with this guy. He was socially awkward, and the date felt really weird and awkward. But he seemed like a nice guy. And because I felt like I was always attracted to bad guys (like my ex), I thought I should give him another chance. So he asked me out on a second date, and this time we went for drinks, then we went bowling and played pool as well. It was ok, but I felt like there was too much "formality" in the way we were interacting/talking to each other. Almost like, the way men would've courted women in the old days, I guess. It's just weird, and I don't know how to explain it / put my finger on it. I thought it's because of nerves, and that the more we get used to each other, the more we'll just be our own selves and just talk a little less formally but it hasn't changed much since then. Anyway, I did have sex with him on the second date, but he's been very consistent and good since then -- he always texts, though he doesn't call. He's always the one initiating texts, so I was waiting on him to ask me out again but he didn't. So I asked him out on a third date because I felt like he was doing all the initiating/chasing and that I should show interest as well. We went to dinner, and he ended up paying because somehow, the waiter gave him the bill (and didn't split it) :S . I let him pay, even though I'd asked him out, because I didn't want to insist on paying, and end up being taken advantage of like my ex. Anyway, next time, I'll make up for it.

 

Anyway, the problem is: I still don't have any feelings for this guy, or much of an attraction. It's not the same as the way I felt with my ex, that excitement is lacking. This is my second time dating, so I don't know if this is generally the norm early on, or what. I mean, my ex was so toxic and the thing we had together was so drama-filled that I am not even sure at this point what normal dating/relationship would look like. So maybe it's the fact that it's so drama-free that I feel that there is no spark? Because he's so consistent and always texts, I don't have to stress out over whether he wants me, and so I am taking him for granted? I don't know, I usually don't like being chased, and always end up doing the chasing, but this time it's different and I am not sure I like it.

 

I guess I am not sure what I am asking here, but has anyone felt this way? I don't want to lead him on and string him along, so I guess I am wondering if I should end things because I am not feeling the spark? Or just wait it out? He seems very romantic, holds my hand, kisses my hand, kisses me , he's kissed me after our 2nd and 3rd date more than my ex kissed me in over a year. I feel like we're not on the same wavelength though. I am just worried that something died inside of me after that experience with the ex. After my break-up with my ex, I did a few one night stands, and contrary to the way I developed feelings for my ex after having sex with him (he was my first), I stopped myself from having any feelings with those people (well, it helped that I didn't have their contact info, am never going to see them again). But I feel like maybe that made me detach sex from feelings and now I am kinda trapped in that "great, let's have sex, but I am not getting attached to you" black hole? I don't know. I don't know if it's because of the guy, or a general thing I am going through. I guess this is partly a rant and partly a question/request to share experiences if you've had similar experiences. Maybe I am just being overprotective of myself and don't want to get hurt? After we had sex for the first time, I told him that I had broken up with my ex a few months ago, and that he cheated on me, and that I wasn't sure if I should be dating. So he knows, it's not like I am tricking him into being my rebound. He said, it's ok, we'll take it slowly. But I still feel bad about the whole situation? And now I feel trapped, I feel like it's too late to end things, because I will hurt him.

 

Any thoughts?

 

wow, this sounds a lot like what I'm dealing with too! I think that if you can sit down and talk with him about what you're feeling - maybe he really is just nervous and is trying really hard to impress you - then he'll start acting more comfortable and relaxed around you. I don't think you should give up on this guy just yet - you've only had 3 dates - and he's respected the fact that you want to take it slow. If you'd rather just be friends until you can sort out your feelings, you'll be able to heal and figure out if he's a keeper. Good luck!

[NoMoreJerks]

It sounds like he's not the right guy for you. I don't think it's normal at all to feel this way after three dates when you are with the right person. You should be feeling sparks, attraction, excitement, etc. on some level. It's not your fault or his fault -- things just don't work out sometimes. I think you should probably stop seeing him.

 

However, I am struggling to understand why you had sex with a guy who you aren't even attracted to and felt weird about on the second date.

I guess I'm not sure either. I think it may have been just the desire to see if sex would make things better and spark some attraction. It just didn't do it, though (though when we do start having sex, it feels good and I feel attracted to him -- and to be fair, I never felt that good / attracted to my ex while having sex either , and he was worse / more selfish in bed -- I don't think I like sex all that much, after all -- though I get very horny and feel like I want to have sex, I just don't ever have that "wow" / "mindblowing" experience that I assume other people have). But I just want to make sure I am not doing it because of the baggage with my ex and because that drama-filled "relationship" taught me all the wrong lessons about what dating/relationships should be like. I don't know. I guess I should just be single for a long time. I am not sure what the hell I am doing. I don't even think I wanted to date anyone, but I still went ahead and signed up for paid membership on OLD, and went out with this guy. Not sure what the hell is wrong with me. I knew I should probably go easy on myself and just stop doing the dating/relationship thing for some time, til I got my life/priorities/self-esteem issues resolved, but not sure what happened and I got derailed and got sucked into this, and now I feel really trapped. I guess deep down, I just wanted to feel normal, and make sure that I wasn't damaged by what happened with my ex. I didn't want to become one of those jaded people who painted every man with the same brush, and I was sounding like I was jaded for some time, and I wanted to make sure my douchebag ex didn't change me for the worse. It was almost like I wanted to prove him wrong, and to destroy his "legacy" or something, and I thought the best way to do it is to go out with the polar opposite of my ex. I've been avoiding going to bars alone (like I used to in the past), so I am on my way to recovery on several fronts, but I am not sure if this is one of them (dating/relationships).

 

It's weird, because the first time I kissed this guy, I just felt really depressed and sad, because I felt like I was now replacing the old memories with my ex (some of which were good) with new ones, and I just felt bad about it, like I was finally letting go. I am over my ex and don't want him back, ever, and don't feel the urge to contact him even though he tried to reach out a few times , but for some reason I still felt bad about taking things a step further with this new guy, by kissing him (and then having sex).

 

Another reason I think I had sex with him, is that when we kissed -- usually when I kiss someone, I just feel like I am rejecting them if I refuse to go any further, and they might think I am not interested. I guess it's a self-esteem or boundary issue, and that I shouldn't be afraid of enforcing my boundaries. But, the guy did ask me if I was sure I wanted to do this, and I insisted I was. I think that when I felt depressed about my ex after I kissed him, I just wanted to put him out of my head, so I went even a step further with the new guy, by having sex with him. Not sure it helped. I still think a lot about my ex, but not in a "I miss him" or "I want to get back together with him" sort of way. Just in a "how did I get duped into that abusive non-relationship? how did I let him treat me that way?" and I haven't forgiven him or myself for it yet. And maybe I want to disprove my initial belief (after the break-up with my ex) that all men are like my ex. I don't know. I am really lost and not sure what the hell I am doing. I can think about it, and analyze it, but when it comes to getting things done, or interacting with the new guy, it's like I am some machine that is on some pre-programmed course.

 

I really think that deep down, the reason I am not attracted to him is not that he's not cute (he's good looking, but not drop-dead gorgeous) or that our personalities didn't click (maybe they didn't, but I don't think that's the real issue here). I think it's more about me being attracted to bad guys -- guys who chase after me real hard, in a flirty/sexual sort of way, and end up ditching me/ playing games. I think I may be addicted to drama. Not sure. This is why I wanted to give this guy a chance, because I don't want to keep on repeating the same mistakes / cycle that I had with my ex.

 

I'm really bad at ending things with men -- even with my ex, I had a really hard time doing the break-up even after round after round of abuse. It's even harder to end things with someone who hasn't wronged me and has treated me so right. I guess I have trouble being a little bit selfish and looking out for my interests? Or am I being selfish (by not putting myself in an uncomfortable situation by breaking off things with him) by stringing him along? I just don't want to be the world's biggest a**hole. I don't want to treat other people like my ex treated me, hurt their feelings after they treated me nicely.

Edited September 26, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[NoMoreJerks]

I'm wondering if I have become what some people call "emotionally unavailable" after my experience with my ex? With my ex, I was emotionally ready and willing and open, but my trust was abused (he strung me along, broke up with me several times then wanted to get back together, told me he loved me, etc. -- I wasn't just imagining a "relationship", he made me think it was one -- I was played so badly ). I just feel like I am not available emotionally, like it's just exhausting to have any feelings, to get involved with someone, to make the effort to text back, etc. I never felt that way with my ex, I used to get excited when/if he texted me. Now, I feel like responding is a chore. I don't know if it's because of a lack of a spark, or if I have become emotionally unavailable and it would be the same with any/every guy I might go out with. I know there's lots of people on this site whose trust was abused , did any of you feel this way? I mean, it's not that I don't trust this guy -- there are no red flags so far, and I have made sure to ask some pointed questions and he didn't appear to be making an effort to come up with answers. I've even snooped on his online dating profile , and he hasn't checked it in the 2 weeks that we've gone out. I just think I now have a mental block with putting my feelings on the line?

 

One other thing, I've been wondering if the fact that he does not have a very stable job with a stable, mainstream company, is making me hesitate and not feel attracted to him. My ex used to work for a big, internationally-renowned company, and while he didn't do that much that was complicated and didn't have a degree, the company's name made up for it and made me feel like it was something that was more or less stable. I am working towards a PhD, so I've always wanted to be with someone who was, even if not as educated as I was, at least financially stable and motivated / had the ambition to improve, and I am not sure this guy has that? At least he doesn't show that he does. Not that my ex did either, but at least he had his foot in a big company. The current guy works as a web developer for a small / local company. I am not even sure how much that company can afford to pay him, and if it's even a monthly salary or a per-task payment or whatever. He used to work for a fairly well-known gaming company, but was fired after a big job cut that affected hundreds of employees. Maybe part of it has to do with that. I think it's a combination of factors? Am I being too harsh on this guy by judging him on his employment?

[Mrlonelyone]

It is both that he isn't the one for you. Some people were raised to be very formal in the beginning of a relationship. i.e. Some people call their parents mother and father or put the word Aunt or Uncle or Cousin etc in front of their family members names. Some people are raised to use Sir or Ma'am. Others aren't.

 

 

Then there is the fact that you equate such formality with not being comfortable.

 

 

Last, everyone has a type. On some level you are attracted to men who are not just edgy, but emotionally abusive. An emotionally abusive man is what you want on some level.

 

 

So stop stringing this guy along and let him find someone that's better for him. Meanwhile you need to address your own issues.

[CherryT]

You didn't want to be taken advantage of by insisting on paying, but you already slept with him on the second date. Why would you sleep with him if you felt so/so about his personality and the attraction?

 

A healthy relationship should be drama free. Just because there isn't 'drama' doesn't mean there shouldn't be sparks. My fiance and I never had drama in our relationship. Our ex's aren't in our life, our families are positive and love us, and our friends are good people. There is absolutely NO drama when it comes to my relationship... yet the spark. Holy cow is there ever sparks. I have never felt so much chemistry and love being with anyone else in the past. My heart always feels like it's going to beat out of my chest because i feel so connected to him.

 

You are still not over the situation with your ex. It is clear in your posts because you always go back to what your ex did to you. When you get over the situation (you may be over him), you will start to see what kind of person you want in a healthy, loving relationship. When you know the kind of person you want as a partner (not just because you dated the 'bad boy' let's look for the 'good ones') you will be able to connect with them on an emotional level better.

Edited September 26, 2013 by CherryT

[FitChick]

People are attracted to bad guys/gals because they don't believe they deserve better. That anxiety is what they call "spark." Mature love grows slowly based on reality and interactions with the significant other.

[StanMusial]

I don't think spark = drama.

 

Maybe some people just don't catch sparks so they substitute drama. Pretty poor substitution IMO.

[pteromom]

Honestly, I think he's just not the guy for you. You said it yourself - you aren't on the same wavelength.

 

Believe me, when you meet someone you get and who gets you, and you have stimulating conversations that light you up and make you feel alive, the spark will be there.

 

It will be a different kind of spark than the one you felt with your ex, who chased you real hard in a sexual way. But it will be a much more satisfying and deep spark.

 

Before you date again though, you need to work on enforcing your boundaries... you don't want to end up feeling obligated to sleep with every guy you kiss!

[crederer]

I think I have to agree with fitchick on this one. The women I know that like drama and like guys that are a-holes are ones that have some pretty bad emotional issues.

 

It has less to do with the "spark" that people often refer to, imo.

[NoMoreJerks]

I've never felt a "spark" independent of "drama." I've only ever felt anything close to resembling a "spark" in situations where there was a lot of drama, or where I was just chasing after or pining for someone who was not available (again, involves drama / emotional rollercoaster). It's possible that I would've had a "spark" with my ex had my ex not been a cold psychopath who did not really kiss/hug/etc., but usually the only time I felt close to feeling that sort of "spark-resembling" feeling was when I was depressed/stressed and wanted him for emotional support, to make the anxiety go away. I feel like the spark is another word for deep yearning for someone, but I've only ever felt that way (even with my ex) when feeling down/vulnerable, for the most part. Does that mean I wasn't in love with my ex? Maybe, who knows. I thought I was in love with him. I am just not sure if I know what a "spark" is, and what it's supposed to feel like, if it even exists..

 

I don't know. This is pretty depressing. If I've never experienced the spark with anyone, despite having met a lot of people, does it mean I am incapable of loving / am almost a sociopath??!

[NoMoreJerks]

Honestly, I think he's just not the guy for you. You said it yourself - you aren't on the same wavelength.

 

Believe me, when you meet someone you get and who gets you, and you have stimulating conversations that light you up and make you feel alive, the spark will be there.

If that's what a spark is: I felt that way with a guy I went out on a date with once, before meeting this new guy. We spent 4 hours together having dinner (he chased me real hard at first), and another 3-4 hours talking together the first time that we met, and I felt like we would never run out of things to talk about, and the conversation was so much fun, and there wasn't any of that awkwardness. Sadly, he turned out to be a douchebag who disappeared on me for two months, and then reappeared. I ignored his texts after his reappearance, because he reminded me of my ex, and he was most likely playing with multiple girls all at once. That's the only time I can say I MIGHT HAVE experienced what you guys call a "spark." Didn't turn out well for me, even though he appeared to be equally intrigued/excited by our conversations. I felt our conversations were stimulating and intellectually on the same level, unlike the ones I used to have with my ex.

[pteromom]

I feel like the spark is another word for deep yearning for someone, but I've only ever felt that way (even with my ex) when feeling down/vulnerable, for the most part.

 

No. A spark isn't about a deep yearning for someone. It's about understanding someone. It's about connection.

 

The deep yearning is unrequited love. Wanting someone more than they want you. That's not a spark at all. That's just... sad.

 

True love isn't about deep yearning. It's about deep contentment. Complete acceptance of each other. Just feeling complete and whole together.

 

I don't know. This is pretty depressing. If I've never experienced the spark with anyone, despite having met a lot of people, does it mean I am incapable of loving / am almost a sociopath??!

 

You definitely don't sound like a sociopath. You just sound like someone who hasn't met the right person yet.

 

If that's what a spark is: I felt that way with a guy I went out on a date with once, before meeting this new guy. We spent 4 hours together having dinner (he chased me real hard at first), and another 3-4 hours talking together the first time that we met, and I felt like we would never run out of things to talk about, and the conversation was so much fun, and there wasn't any of that awkwardness. Sadly, he turned out to be a douchebag who disappeared on me for two months, and then reappeared.

 

You can't go SOLELY on feelings though. You have to use your heart and your head, and both have to agree on someone before moving forward with them. This guy you are dating now doesn't sound like he works for your heart OR your head. He's just a nice guy who isn't on your wavelength. You can do better than that.

[NoMoreJerks]

Well, the thing that is distressing is the fact that I always wanted my ex to text me and be consistent, and now that I have that, I seem to not value it/care about it. It's almost like I want what I can't have, and don't want it when I have it. Though to be fair, when my ex DID text me and was consistent (very rarely), it did make me happy/content and I didn't ask for more/want more. I don't know. I just feel like there's something terribly wrong with me / messed up about me, and I will never experience that sort of spark/love/etc., because I want what I can't have and then stop wanting it when I can have it???? :S

[NoMoreJerks]

With this guy I am dating, I feel like the spark is one-sided. He feels really content with me, and can't keep his hands off me. My (married) friend once told me that a guy who really likes you and is attracted to you will always be good / respectful, AND will always be 'hard' when he's around you and would have to try real hard to keep his hands off you (which I find is really true, judging by my friends' successful relationships). This guy is always like that when I am around him. We can go all night, having sex, and he can do it multiple times and I have never seen any guy who has felt that way about me. I think I kinda feel like I owe him to feel the same way about him, because he's the first guy who has felt this way about me/ treated me like this. It also makes it hard to reject him because he's so nice to me. I feel so rotten. Maybe I'm just not made for this dating/relationships thing.

[jcrew11]

With this guy I am dating, I feel like the spark is one-sided. He feels really content with me, and can't keep his hands off me. My (married) friend once told me that a guy who really likes you and is attracted to you will always be good / respectful, AND will always be 'hard' when he's around you and would have to try real hard to keep his hands off you (which I find is really true, judging by my friends' successful relationships). This guy is always like that when I am around him. We can go all night, having sex, and he can do it multiple times and I have never seen any guy who has felt that way about me. I think I kinda feel like I owe him to feel the same way about him, because he's the first guy who has felt this way about me/ treated me like this. It also makes it hard to reject him because he's so nice to me. I feel so rotten. Maybe I'm just not made for this dating/relationships thing.

 

Congrats! Stay in the Relationship and continue dating the guy. Don't listen to what anyone else says. You've had difficulty with other men, and you need experience in a stable relationship with a guy who won't play games or be wishy-washy.

 

You're getting older, and you don't deserve to live a life being alone and single. Don't be afraid of being in a relationship or finding love.

 

Inexperienced women are often seduced by the "Aggressive Confident Alpha Male Jerks" and I agree that you and other females become addicted to the drama and excitement.

 

Women say "Nice guys are boring and unexciting" but "Nice guys are the ones you marry because they will stick around."

 

You deserve a long term relationship and you deserve a Nice Guy.

 

You need to end the addiction to one-night stands with Jerks.

[Queen_Sophie_Anne]

Can You Date Without the Romantic Spark?

 

check out this article

[NoMoreJerks]

Congrats! Stay in the Relationship and continue dating the guy. Don't listen to what anyone else says. You've had difficulty with other men, and you need experience in a stable relationship with a guy who won't play games or be wishy-washy.

 

You're getting older, and you don't deserve to live a life being alone and single. Don't be afraid of being in a relationship or finding love.

 

Inexperienced women are often seduced by the "Aggressive Confident Alpha Male Jerks" and I agree that you and other females become addicted to the drama and excitement.

 

Women say "Nice guys are boring and unexciting" but "Nice guys are the ones you marry because they will stick around."

 

You deserve a long term relationship and you deserve a Nice Guy.

 

You need to end the addiction to one-night stands with Jerks.

Thanks , Jcrew. I wanted to give this guy a chance, because I did like him and he seemed like he was a good person, even though I didn't feel that emotional rollercoaster / the feeling of being swept off my feet that I usually feel with men who turn out to be douchebags. In fact, I kinda took that as an indicator that I should be giving this guy the chance to get to know me and for me to get to know him -- because the fact that I didn't get those feelings with him, might be a good indicator that he could be a decent guy (not that that would necessarily be the case, but chances are, he's not a douchebag like my ex).

 

That said, he's not that bad, we do click on some level, and I do enjoy his company (though I feel like I have to pretend and be as formal as he is, especially when we go out on a date) -- I've definitely seen worse (another guy from OLD who was also really nice, but who was too boring, kept talking about his job and nothing else ). It's just that I don't feel the same level of comfort I felt as soon as I took my clothes off with my ex. I just felt completely comfortable around him and he acted the same way -- like we were no longer strangers. With this guy, that's not the case. Maybe because he IS interested in a relationship, and so is nervous and wants to impress me?? It might be especially the case because he doesn't have a great job and doesn't have a university degree (which was also the case for my ex, though my ex worked in a major world-renowned company), whereas I am a PhD student. Maybe he's a little nervous and intimidated by me, and feels he doesn't deserve me? I am just guessing, but that's usually the case: men get intimidated by me when I tell them I am doing a PhD (well, women do too, if they are not as educated). I am wondering if that spells trouble in general, if there will always be an inferiority complex/power play/bitterness at play?? My supervisor once told me that I should, for that reason, find someone with a similar level of education to marry.

 

Anyway, yeah, this is a completely different feeling compared to the one I used to have when my ex and I hung out. Maybe it's because, with my ex, it usually was never an actual date. I usually just went to his place, we just watched TV, and then went out for a bite or just stayed in and cooked. We fast-forwarded through the dating process and just hung out together -- maybe more like a FWB thing than actual dating/courting. Maybe that's why this seems so formal/alien to me. I'm taking it slow, and if things get too fast-paced, I'll have to tell him to slow down a little. But I am just trying not to panic. I had a panic attack today (we had a dinner date last night, followed by an episode of Breaking Bad at my place, and then sex -- and every time we have a date, the next day I get a panic attack). I was really not sure what to do and was considering just disappearing on him.

[heartshaped]

But I am just trying not to panic. I had a panic attack today (we had a dinner date last night, followed by an episode of Breaking Bad at my place, and then sex -- and every time we have a date, the next day I get a panic attack). I was really not sure what to do and was considering just disappearing on him.

 

You need to break things off with this guy. I don't know why you are trying to force yourself into liking him..perhaps because of how horrible your ex was? At any rate, this is only going to spell disaster for you.

[NoMoreJerks]

You need to break things off with this guy. I don't know why you are trying to force yourself into liking him..perhaps because of how horrible your ex was? At any rate, this is only going to spell disaster for you.

Well, because I feel like I have this destructive cycle of getting into horrible non-relationships with jerks, so I wanted to change that pattern and get into something that was meaningful with someone who cared about me and respected me. And this guy seems to be that kind of a person. But, because it's unfamiliar territory, I get very nervous and uncomfortable, especially AFTER the fact, not while we're together (though I feel uneasy for most of the time we spend together). Never felt this way with my ex even from the start. I can't really put my finger on why. I feel like I gave too much importance to the spark, and in my head it grew into something that overwhelmed me and made me ignore everything else, even red flags, so I don't want to focus too much on the spark, and instead look at things like personality, lifestyle, ambition, etc. Sure, it's nice if there is a spark as well, but it's an added bonus and not something I want to be overwhelmed with. I don't want to get back into old habits. I feel like the spark is overrated anyway, and accounts for a lot of women (and men) getting into all sorts of one-sided arrangements that are not real relationships (except in their heads).

 

I am very very careful now with men I date. I don't want to get burned again. I look out for red flags like a hawk. Even made a point of asking this guy if he's traveled to Asia, especially Thailand. I am still not sure if there aren't red flags. When I asked about his apartment, he told me it's a mess at the moment -- we've only come back to mine, so I was wondering how big his place was. That kinda took me by surprise, what he said, and I'm going to follow up on that, to make sure that he doesn't live in a dump or something, or isn't terribly messy / a hoarder type person. But anyway, the point is, I am trying not to rush into anything, not to get sucked into the whole overly romanticized thing/sparks flying/fireworks, bla bla. I don't know if I will have feelings for this guy. Maybe familiarity and respect do lead to love, or maybe it's all about sparks after all. I am not sure why I am panicking every time I have a date with him. I think it's because I feel like he is going too fast, and I can't keep up -- I'm not as emotionally available (or ready) as he might be, and I don't want to rush into things. Maybe it's the fact that we rushed into sex that really made it too fast-paced for me. That was a mistake, but it's too late to take it back now. And I think what really bothers me is that I don't want to settle into a pattern of dinner/then coming back to my place for sex. I feel like it resembles too much of the dynamic with my ex, where I was just used for sex. I want nights where we go out and have dinner, then go our separate ways. I don't want to be used for sex again. Actually, I think that's it: that's what's causing me to panic. I didn't panic after our first coffee meet-up, I only started getting panicky after the second date (when we first had sex).

[heartshaped]

If you don't want to have sex with him then don't. You obviously rushed into having sex with him way too fast, but it isn't too late to take a huge step back.

 

Honestly, I don't think you're ready for any type of relationship or even dating as you have trouble establishing boundaries. There are also a few other reasons, but that in itself should be a reason you should be single for a while.

[gaius]

If it makes you feel any better NoMore I think you're doing the right thing. Some people are just cursed with having to choose between what really turns them on and something that's less exciting/right but more stable. You're checking out option b at the moment. When your body and mind is sure it's not the option you want then you'll find a way to end it.