Jdogg577 Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 So me and my girlfriend dated for almost two years, we broke up on good terms with plans to reevaluate it in the future. She has one year of college left and i just graduated About 6 or so weeks later she contacted me a couple times. I was hesitant at first but eventually listened to what she had to say. She really missed me and didn't like being without me. She wasn't sure if this break up was still what she wanted. We planned on going on dates in about two weeks and trying it out again. However, after only a few days she contacted me again and again. I don't know if it was a good idea but I hung out with her and we had sex and spent the next day together and it was totally amazing - different because we had both had time apart. At first she said she wanted some more time to think about things, but upon leaving she wanted to go on another date soon. Then she wanted to hang out a few days later. We did and again, it was amazing and we had so much fun. I didn't like how we were just "dating" - essentially being together again but this label made it feel too casual. Upon leaving we talked again about what we wanted in the future. She was still scared to get back with me because of what that may mean - she keeps equating it with marriage - like getting back together with me to her means we are getting married because if not we'll just end up heartbroken again. We both agreed that maybe she wasn't ready for this and that she needs more time. After thinking about it, however, it seems so stupid to avoid being with someone you love just because you might get hurt again. Getting hurt comes with any relationship and depriving yourself of love just to avoid pain seems stupid. I don't know what to do now besides avoiding contact with her. Thanks.
Romaks Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 How and why, exactly, did the break-up occur?
Author Jdogg577 Posted September 26, 2013 Author Posted September 26, 2013 We had been figthing a lot more (we never used to fight) and she was worried that with one year left at school that she would work really hard at a relationship she wasn't sure of entirely. She wanted time to be single to see if I was what she really wanted.
Romaks Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 One of the best relationship advice I ever gotten was to go into each relationship 100% as if you're going to marry the person otherwise there's no point because that's always what the end product should be. What this means is if both parties are willing to give all they can to the relationship, then there's no reason why it shouldn't work unless there are serious fundamental problems. It sounds like you guys are compatible and that seems to be a hard thing to come by, so you should definitely give it your all, and she'll do the same. Doubt is natural and it should be addressed but its no reason to end things. 4
lovesucks76 Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 It's a difficult situation for sure and it sounds like she has a few doubts about the RS or about the long term commitment. I'd be a little careful...but you're right, you can't be afraid of getting hurt while loving someone. MY ex and I just got back together after 7 weeks and it's a bit similar. We love each other very much, there's no 3rd party involved here but we are both so busy and with lots going on that we needed to stop and make sure it was the right thing for both of us before getting deeper into it. She also had some insecurities about the RS which we discussed and things are better now. Actually things are better than they were before the BU. I'm still being careful.... 1
Author Jdogg577 Posted September 26, 2013 Author Posted September 26, 2013 Yeah, I agree but I think that marriage really freaks her out because she's young and wants time to think about whether or not she wants to put all of this effort into our relationship. Unfortunately I don't know how much time she'll need to really figure out what she wants.
Author Jdogg577 Posted September 26, 2013 Author Posted September 26, 2013 I also don't know whether or not to talk to her again. Like part of me thinks she needs to figure this out on her own and I can't push her if its going to work but another part of me thinks that we were already so close to making it work again and that she's being foolish and I should explain what I think.
lovesucks76 Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 Yeah, I agree but I think that marriage really freaks her out because she's young and wants time to think about whether or not she wants to put all of this effort into our relationship. Unfortunately I don't know how much time she'll need to really figure out what she wants.If that's the problem...it's not fair to you. You shouldn't have to wait for anyone. No one knows what will happen a month or a year from now. I would be honest with her and tell her what's on your mind.
lauri Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 (edited) Not to sound like a downer...but normally if a girl breaks up with you and then still "loves you" but is scared to get back together, doesn't that mean she has low interest levels in you? I think you need to do things to get it back up to show her you are worth it 100% and get her interest levels so high that she can't say no to getting back with you. Edited September 26, 2013 by lauri 1
Author Jdogg577 Posted September 26, 2013 Author Posted September 26, 2013 No, i don't really think interest is the case. She was the one who initiated contact and suggested dating again...she even explicitly said she wants to be with me but is just terrified of getting her heart broken again but not sure if she wants to be with me until marriage either. During the week we were together again everything felt like it used to...we even said "I love yous" again and called each other pet names and all that junk. It just really sucks to almost be together again and that have it taken away for however long without knowing if/when it'll come back.
lauri Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 No, i don't really think interest is the case. She was the one who initiated contact and suggested dating again...she even explicitly said she wants to be with me but is just terrified of getting her heart broken again but not sure if she wants to be with me until marriage either. During the week we were together again everything felt like it used to...we even said "I love yous" again and called each other pet names and all that junk. It just really sucks to almost be together again and that have it taken away for however long without knowing if/when it'll come back. What she is saying is a big red flag to me - that "she isn't sure if she wants you until marriage". She initiated contact with you but I would be very very careful with this. Take it really, really slow. Honestly, I think you need to determine how much she really wants to be with you...none of this on the fence stuff. Its either she wants to be with you or she doesn't. In my experience, confusion normally means low interest level. 2
lindsay1990 Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 We had been figthing a lot more (we never used to fight) and she was worried that with one year left at school that she would work really hard at a relationship she wasn't sure of entirely. She wanted time to be single to see if I was what she really wanted. I think that of all the things she said, this is the one you should listen to the most. Pay attention and she said it all, IMHO. No matter what she says about the relationship or the commitment, to me the core issue is YOU. Perhaps she has some GIGS? From my personal perspective and I don't mean to speak for my entire gender but, when you're in love you don't worry about the commitment! The more in love you are after a certain age and approaching life goals, if you are with the person you love, you embrace taking things to the next level. Or at least, you are not horrified enough by the though of it to break up. Like I said, I myself, personally, would rather dull down the pressure talk but I wouldn't dull down my relationship if it the person I love. 3
Author Jdogg577 Posted September 26, 2013 Author Posted September 26, 2013 I think that of all the things she said, this is the one you should listen to the most. Pay attention and she said it all, IMHO. No matter what she says about the relationship or the commitment, to me the core issue is YOU. Perhaps she has some GIGS? From my personal perspective and I don't mean to speak for my entire gender but, when you're in love you don't worry about the commitment! The more in love you are after a certain age and approaching life goals, if you are with the person you love, you embrace taking things to the next level. Or at least, you are not horrified enough by the though of it to break up. Like I said, I myself, personally, would rather dull down the pressure talk but I wouldn't dull down my relationship if it the person I love. I agree with most of what you said, but I think the age/maturity thing is the key factor - she's not past that certain age and to her getting back together comes off as a huge commitment. I know, truly deep down, that she loves me a lot, that I make her happy, and that she maybe even thinks that I could be the one, but to rush back to be with me now is like settling down at 21 for her. She is an extremely logical person and tries not to think with her heart - even though she loves me, wants to be with me, and is happy with me I think she needs more time to be certain and make sure she has no doubts or fears before getting involved again. With that said that leaves me in a hard place...because I"m slightly older and I don't have any doubts about her. Granted, I don't know if we'll get married, but I do want to grow up with her and see where we go. But I'm tired of all of this ambivalence and don't know how long I can go.
lindsay1990 Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 I understand, and if that's her assumption (that going back would mean settling down) maybe you could tell her that's not the case, that you just want to enjoy being in love? With my ex, something similar happened (not the reason we broke up though) but he DID say from early on that he was looking for a girlfriend to MARRY that he wasn't out "wasting his time", so eventually when trouble stuck he said he couldn't picture being married like that so... you get my point. What I'm saying is this dude was very clear that I was on a marriage track/wife audition, to call it like I felt it. MAYBE if he hadn't slapped on the pressure so hard I wouldn't have acted out so much and acted like it was an all or nothing, get engaged or break up type of thing. (I admit I ultimately sabotaged). You don't appear to be in this position so maybe if you get the chance to speak with her, your emphasis should be on the relationship with her, not in the future. It is a valid concern and feeling on her part, it doesn't mean she doesn't love you but for your heart's sake, I would advise focusing on the part when she is willing enough to risk it. Again, only in my case, if the dude had given me an ultimatum, I would have taken it. And even though I felt the pressure, I played along so as not to lose him. Clearly this didn't work out and brought more trouble than it solved, but what I'm saying is that confronted with the risk of losing him or being trapped to him (ha), I chose to let myself be trapped. I feel I'm rambling and making no sense, but just to insist very kindly: your attention should be not on the reason (commitment fear, youth, etc) but in the consequence she is TELLING you she wants to accept, and that is the risk of losing you. Again, not as sign she doesn't care but just as the red flag it is. This is my humble opinion. Because as afraid of commitment as I was (my ex was finishing grad school, I was just starting) I never asked or implied I wanted out of the relationship, only out of the marriage track, and I was dead clear to him about this difference. Obviously, if you get the chance to talk it out and you do feel like you sincerely want to enjoy the relationship OFF the marriage track, then be sure that you mean it. And are not just saying it to throw her off guard maybe while she comes around to it eventually. 2
loversquarrel Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 Ok, she's young and confused. She is also disrespectful to you by placing you at her beck and call. You are unfortunately more into her than she is you. Take care of you....give her space, take yours and do what you want with it. You are under no obligation to her. She is the one who is ultimately risking the loss of you. You may find someone more suited for you.
Author Jdogg577 Posted September 26, 2013 Author Posted September 26, 2013 I understand, and if that's her assumption (that going back would mean settling down) maybe you could tell her that's not the case, that you just want to enjoy being in love? With my ex, something similar happened (not the reason we broke up though) but he DID say from early on that he was looking for a girlfriend to MARRY that he wasn't out "wasting his time", so eventually when trouble stuck he said he couldn't picture being married like that so... you get my point. What I'm saying is this dude was very clear that I was on a marriage track/wife audition, to call it like I felt it. MAYBE if he hadn't slapped on the pressure so hard I wouldn't have acted out so much and acted like it was an all or nothing, get engaged or break up type of thing. (I admit I ultimately sabotaged). You don't appear to be in this position so maybe if you get the chance to speak with her, your emphasis should be on the relationship with her, not in the future. It is a valid concern and feeling on her part, it doesn't mean she doesn't love you but for your heart's sake, I would advise focusing on the part when she is willing enough to risk it. Again, only in my case, if the dude had given me an ultimatum, I would have taken it. And even though I felt the pressure, I played along so as not to lose him. Clearly this didn't work out and brought more trouble than it solved, but what I'm saying is that confronted with the risk of losing him or being trapped to him (ha), I chose to let myself be trapped. I feel I'm rambling and making no sense, but just to insist very kindly: your attention should be not on the reason (commitment fear, youth, etc) but in the consequence she is TELLING you she wants to accept, and that is the risk of losing you. Again, not as sign she doesn't care but just as the red flag it is. This is my humble opinion. Because as afraid of commitment as I was (my ex was finishing grad school, I was just starting) I never asked or implied I wanted out of the relationship, only out of the marriage track, and I was dead clear to him about this difference. Obviously, if you get the chance to talk it out and you do feel like you sincerely want to enjoy the relationship OFF the marriage track, then be sure that you mean it. And are not just saying it to throw her off guard maybe while she comes around to it eventually. Thanks, that helped. Honestly I'm not sure either if I want to marry this girl or which track I'm on, but like you said I do want to enjoy being in love with her and finding out together. Honestly, I think it's a little weird that she thinks so much about marriage already (I guess conservative parents can do that), but I think she has a fear of "what if i missed out?" if we get together again and it ends up not working. After nearly two months I think she began to discover what single life is kind of like, what else is out there and, as much as I hate to say it, how I compare and I know she didn't like it thus far. Unfortunately for me, I think she needs more than two months before she can feel completely certain.
lindsay1990 Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 Sounds like classic GIGS but... but... think of yourself too. Not just that she would need more months to know, but think if you could be able to trust her again, because at the end of the day - be it GIGS or commitment fear- this is a girl who you gave your best to, despite whatever mistakes we all made, you gave her your love and she wants to try her luck in the world. Whatever the case, believe me there will be a girl who knows you and takes a risk ON YOU. So focus on you, as cheesy as that sounds, and take this opportunity to reflect it you want to be with her as much as she is thinking if she wants to be with you.
lovesucks76 Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 (edited) I'm going to cut right to the chase. Sex was designed to connect two people, not just physically, but also emotionally. When you add "firsts" into that, you've got a strong bond that the rest of your relationship hasn't caught up with. Because of that connection, it's so easy to revert back to sex instead of actually sitting down and taking inventory of where this is all going and why. Just 'having fun while it lasts' will eventually lead to heartbreak for one or both of you. I really like this article series - it may be some food for thought and lead to some good, deep conversations as well: http://bit.ly/VdwX8Q Sex is a form of bonding but communication is still key! Edited September 27, 2013 by lovesucks76
Author Jdogg577 Posted September 27, 2013 Author Posted September 27, 2013 I appreciate you guys wanting to help. But unfortunately I'm so lost about what to do. It hurt the first time to break up, but to think we're getting back together again just to have it taken away once more is killing me. I understand a lot of what she is saying but I also think that if two people love each other they should be together. It's almost killer how she says she "wants to get back together" but she's too scared right now. I'm just nervous about the next time we'll talk, if ever. Trying my hardest not to contact her, but I'm not even sure if that is the best idea.
Author Jdogg577 Posted September 30, 2013 Author Posted September 30, 2013 Not sure if anyone is interested but I talked to her again, for the last time in a while. Basically she said that she loves me, she had an amazing time with me this past week, and it was perfect. But she thinks she was too hasty in getting back together, and even though she loves me and wants to be together again, she feels a hesitation that she can't deny - and as much as she doesn't' want it to be there she can't ignore it. She doesn't think she's grown enough in our time apart and doesn't want to fall back into things just because that's the easy thing to do. We agreed we need more time, and although there is no threshold on when she'll feel she knows what she wants, suggested roughly like 5 or 6 months of NC. Saying goodbye was hard, especially because I know deep down she really does love me as much as I love her, but I can't force her into a relationship. I obviously also can't wait around for 6 months, and am trying to distract myself as much as possible with my friends, family and career. Just nervous that in six months I'll love her just as much as I do now and she may still not be there. Anyone have any recommendations on how to approach this next phase of this thing? Thanks a lot.
monkeymaid Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 Unfortunately jdog, you have to grit your teeth and bear it this time. I am in a similar position I think, and I am trying to figure out how to just be a better person because of all of this. We will lose it emotionally more than a few times, but under no circumstances can you let that have an effect on your taking care of yourself first. It comes down to this. It is time to focus on you and you alone. You cant be in another relationship, you cant be in this one, but you have to live with yourself. Acceptance is the hardest effing thing, but to move on in life, you have to do just that. I have a feeling that your brain knows that already, but your body chemistry is laughing at the thought of giving you happy chemicals. Why would it want to, you/she ripped a limb off of your body and caused a gaping wound and you put it back thinking it was enough time heal it, but now it was just ripped off again. Next time you have a burn, burn yourself again after it starts healing on purpose and see how happy it makes you. Understand? ...just keep posting here till you feel you dont need to anymore. Post to other peoples stuff, and it will help you reason through your own stuff.
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 Not sure if anyone is interested but I talked to her again, for the last time in a while. Basically she said that she loves me, she had an amazing time with me this past week, and it was perfect. But she thinks she was too hasty in getting back together, and even though she loves me and wants to be together again, she feels a hesitation that she can't deny - and as much as she doesn't' want it to be there she can't ignore it. She doesn't think she's grown enough in our time apart and doesn't want to fall back into things just because that's the easy thing to do. We agreed we need more time, and although there is no threshold on when she'll feel she knows what she wants, suggested roughly like 5 or 6 months of NC. Saying goodbye was hard, especially because I know deep down she really does love me as much as I love her, but I can't force her into a relationship. I obviously also can't wait around for 6 months, and am trying to distract myself as much as possible with my friends, family and career. Just nervous that in six months I'll love her just as much as I do now and she may still not be there. Anyone have any recommendations on how to approach this next phase of this thing? Thanks a lot. Man.....I've seen this story 1000 times. Heard the same stories and what not. Now, before I tell you my opinion, I dont doubt at all she still thinks fondly of you and what not. Probably nothing you really did..... With THAT said, she is giving you the soft lines that she does not want to be with you anymore. She doesnt see a future with you and wants something else. She knows you are going to take it hard and, because she thinks fondly of you, she doesnt want to tell you flat out. Not incredibly mature, but I'd imagine she has a big heart and knows it will not bode well for you. This does happen a good deal.....then the ex will get more and more distant to the point of anger or even indifference. The dumpee always wonders why and starts pressing more and the dumper gets more and more inpatient and then it gets worse. What concerns me is the timelines she is giving. "Lets give it like 5 or 6 months = I want to explore around and if I dont like it, you are there to come back to. 2nd Place is NO place to be. IF you arent 1st in the heart with a relationship, why stay? To me man, I dont see a reconciliation anywhere in there. IF there ever was, it would be a LONG time down the road, and by that time, you will be done with it or have found someone else. Honest opinion man because I've seen this story played out WAY too much on here and real life.
lindsay1990 Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 We could rationalize it for you but I think the reality (not past feelings and past connection and past wants) is very clear. You ask how to approach this new development? The short answer LIVE AS IF YOU'RE NEVER GETTING BACK TOGETHER AGAIN. Anything you think, plan and do, start from this. If it ends up differently, it will be the surprise of a lifetime But definitely, definitely act as if it's done.
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