reallydown Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 Hi, I am new to this forum, Hi Everyone, but need some advice please. Briefly what has happened is, just over a year ago my husband started acting differently, seemed fed up at home, snappy with the kids and just didnt seem to be here in mind. He then started finding reasons to go out for a couple of hours, food shopping (which he previously complained about), taxiing the kids, (again which he used to grumble about) and walking the dogs, but for around 2-3 hours. I noticed these changes and asked him if everything was ok and he just said yes. Previous to these changes he forgot my birthday altogether and started singing the praises of another much younger, woman at work. I asked if I had anything to worry about regards her, but he said no. I said that I didnt really think I had as she isnt a nice person and not even pretty to which he got a bit defensive claiming that she certainly wasnt ugly and was a nice person. This really was my first alarm bell, but he wasnt going out after work,etc so I just put it to one side until the goings out started. I didnt know what to make of it as it didnt seem long enough time to be up to anything, but was way too long to be just getting some bread and milk so I suppose I did nothing except kept a mental note. Then one day the mobile phone bill came and I checked it, there were tons of texts to a certain number, at times when I knew he'd been out on one of his 2-3 hours episodes, but I still didnt know for definite who. So the next day I replaced his mobile i his coat pocket with my sons, (which is very similar to look at), he didnt notice and went to work with the wrong phone. I checked his phone and there were hardly any texts at all and nothing to incriminate him, but there was one left on from quite a while ago, from this same woman at work and it was just a work related text, but I noticed that it was the same number he had been texting all those times on the bill. This day was our anniversary, (which it turns out he hadnt even bought me a card for). Anyway I went ballistic, (with hindsight it was the wrong thing to do but I couldnt help it), I made him come home from work and we had a massive row, he denied everything, said it was just work related or laughs with colleagues and I shouldnt be upset about it. I threw him out. The next day he came still with the same story and to cut a very long story of the next year short I let him back home and he stuck to the same story. Unfortunately I never believed him and over the year I started to feel very distant towards him and he knew it. Out of the blue he eventually confessed that he really liked the woman and wanted to sleep with her, but that she never knew that as he hadnt told her, he just liked making her laugh and talking to her. I have no proof as he had deleted all texts to and from and I couldnt get a copy of any from the phone company. The thing that I am struggling with is how can he say that it was work pressure and home pressure (we had 2 babies within 13 months of each other) that made him feel like we were not getting on which led to this. He says I was in no way to blame and says how sorry he is and how seeing me so upset has devastated him. He says he wasnt thinking straight and twisted everything that was wrong in his life into a need to escape, which he claims the texting and fantasizing about the other woman provided. He says he loved me the whole time and it was because he loved me that he eventually stopped the texts. (he did actually stop earlier than I found out, but what the reason is I dont know). We went to some counselling but it seemed a bit useless to be honest, we are talking openly about it, but he just keeps saying that he doesnt understand why he did it, or he cannot believe that he let other pressures affect our marriage but he is adamant that he always loved me. I just feel as time goes by that I love him less and less, I dont believe that he could have loved me and fantasized about her, no matter what other pressures he had. Can anyone here relate to any of this, is it at all plausible? I am about ready to throw the towel in on my marriage of 20 years.
harrybrown Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 Is he trying to help you with this situation? Is he giving you all his passwords? Is he better around the family?
ChooseTruth Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 I would definitely keep my eyes peeled. I bet you have not learned the real truth yet. Cheaters are known for minimizing everything they possibly can. I found most of the proof I needed by snooping her facebook messages on her laptop when she was gone for the night.
Author reallydown Posted September 26, 2013 Author Posted September 26, 2013 I can relate to just about everything you wrote right down to the dog walking. It wasn't a co worker, but everything else, yes. He had stopped too, before I discovered it, and I still wonder why. He lied, and still lies. And I still feel like I made a mistake much of the time regarding staying with him. It sucks to be blunt. But no, you are definitely not alone. Thanks seething, I cannot believe its exactly the same for another person. How are you going on? Are you the same as me and just cannot believe anything that comes out of his mouth? Its so hard to break free and to give up all the years but I really feel that it is pointless.
Author reallydown Posted September 26, 2013 Author Posted September 26, 2013 Is he trying to help you with this situation? Is he giving you all his passwords? Is he better around the family? Hi Harry, thanks for the reply, yes everything is open now, I have access anytime I want to his facebook, emails etc. funny thing is Im not even bothered about checking them now. He seems to be desperately trying to make me happy and is lovely again with his children. Maybe Im just too hurt but I just can't see past what he did and the lies for a year. Its just so hard to believe anything he says and that includes how sorry he is and how much he loves me.
ChooseTruth Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 Thanks seething, I cannot believe its exactly the same for another person. How are you going on? Are you the same as me and just cannot believe anything that comes out of his mouth? Its so hard to break free and to give up all the years but I really feel that it is pointless. We call what he is doing "trickle truth" and it's really really hard to rebuild trust after that. Lots of marriages have been done in by it. I don't believe a word my ex says either...we were married for 14 years. 1
Author reallydown Posted September 26, 2013 Author Posted September 26, 2013 I would definitely keep my eyes peeled. I bet you have not learned the real truth yet. Cheaters are known for minimizing everything they possibly can. I found most of the proof I needed by snooping her facebook messages on her laptop when she was gone for the night. Thanks choosetruth that is exactly what I've been like, looking for deception everywhere, which is why I feel like giving up now, marriage shouldnt be this hard. I gave him everything, i was totally devoted and it obviously wasnt enough.
Coolit Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 Thanks choosetruth that is exactly what I've been like, looking for deception everywhere, which is why I feel like giving up now, marriage shouldnt be this hard. I gave him everything, i was totally devoted and it obviously wasnt enough. R takes a truly remorseful wayward spouse and a betrayed spouse who is willing to forgive at some point. (basically, the spouse had to want to be able to forgive even if they can't for a long time) And it may take time to know which you have and are. Trickle truth isn't always about the ws. Sometimes it is done because they think it is the best for the marriage. They are wrong and I was thankful for this site or I probably would have confessed to the minimum. Of course now that looks rediculous and just more lies on more lies. But in my twisted A state, i would have felt some of the details of my A were to big to be forgiven and to horrible to say out loud. Print of the what every wayward needs to know and give it to your H. But if this really was a deal breaker. Try, for the sake of your children, to divorce as amicably as possible. Because being civil to one another is very important for your kids. And remember even as he said. His emotional A was not your fault. Also, does he still work with her? You say he says that she never knew. Well contact her and ask. She probably did know he liked her and enjoyed the attention but just saw it as harmless flirting. Her response and attitude to your digging will tell you a lot about what actually went on. Something I have learned is this: It is hard to know when letting go isn't giving up.
BetrayedH Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 Unfortunately, it's VERY unlikely that you got the truth the first time around. Cheaters will lie, deny, minimize, and lie some more. We joke that it must be in their handbook. Their thought process is that what you don't know, won't hurt you. Of course, you're living proof that it's not working. They fail to understand that while the physical act may be difficult to forgive, it's really the lies and deception that are the hardest to forgive. And if they never come clean, how can you? I recommend that you read the thread pinned at the top of this forum, Things That Every WS Needs To Know. In particular, look for Jacobs's letter. Consider printing that section; your H should probably read it, too. Then I would give him an ultimatum that you want the full truth (and I mean all of it) or you're filing for divorce because his story is obviously a lie and being married to a person who is actively lying to you isn't working for you. He needs to know that you're seriously ready to just throw in the towel if you can't be respected enough to ge honesty. On a side note, does this other woman have a husband? If so, he deserves the truth and he may be a good source of information as well.
Author reallydown Posted September 26, 2013 Author Posted September 26, 2013 R takes a truly remorseful wayward spouse and a betrayed spouse who is willing to forgive at some point. (basically, the spouse had to want to be able to forgive even if they can't for a long time) And it may take time to know which you have and are. Trickle truth isn't always about the ws. Sometimes it is done because they think it is the best for the marriage. They are wrong and I was thankful for this site or I probably would have confessed to the minimum. Of course now that looks rediculous and just more lies on more lies. But in my twisted A state, i would have felt some of the details of my A were to big to be forgiven and to horrible to say out loud. Print of the what every wayward needs to know and give it to your H. But if this really was a deal breaker. Try, for the sake of your children, to divorce as amicably as possible. Because being civil to one another is very important for your kids. And remember even as he said. His emotional A was not your fault. Also, does he still work with her? You say he says that she never knew. Well contact her and ask. She probably did know he liked her and enjoyed the attention but just saw it as harmless flirting. Her response and attitude to your digging will tell you a lot about what actually went on. Something I have learned is this: It is hard to know when letting go isn't giving up. Thanks for the input, those things are exactly what my wh says, that he was protecting me from the hurt and he was just too ashamed. Its hard to know when he is telling the truth, if at all. I agree with the confusion between letting go and giving up, thats why Im still here. Thanks for sharing.
Author reallydown Posted September 26, 2013 Author Posted September 26, 2013 Unfortunately, it's VERY unlikely that you got the truth the first time around. Cheaters will lie, deny, minimize, and lie some more. We joke that it must be in their handbook. Their thought process is that what you don't know, won't hurt you. Of course, you're living proof that it's not working. They fail to understand that while the physical act may be difficult to forgive, it's really the lies and deception that are the hardest to forgive. And if they never come clean, how can you? I recommend that you read the thread pinned at the top of this forum, Things That Every WS Needs To Know. In particular, look for Jacobs's letter. Consider printing that section; your H should probably read it, too. Then I would give him an ultimatum that you want the full truth (and I mean all of it) or you're filing for divorce because his story is obviously a lie and being married to a person who is actively lying to you isn't working for you. He needs to know that you're seriously ready to just throw in the towel if you can't be respected enough to ge honesty. On a side note, does this other woman have a husband? If so, he deserves the truth and he may be a good source of information as well. Thanks for your reply, no the ow is single so she wont care enough to tell me any truth.
Author reallydown Posted September 26, 2013 Author Posted September 26, 2013 Call her and ask? Out of nowhere? No, that's not good advice. She'll look like a crazy person, and the woman on the end of the phone will lie if it was more, so either way the answer will be no. That will leave OP wondering more. She knew. No one has that much attention thrown at them and doesn't know. I'd bet anything that it was a full blown EA, and the OW knows that. She'll lie her ass off to save face, and possibly her own marriage. Cheaters lie - the only fact in all of this. "Trickle truth isn't always about the ws. Sometimes it is done because they think it is the best for the marriage." Yeah, this IS about the WS. Who are they do decide? It's what they think is best based on what they want the marriage to be. TT is ALWAYS about the WS, 100%. I agree, I would not consider contacting the ow. Even when I first figured it out I decided it was pointless and would give me no answers. If there was an affair she would lie to save face at work or keep it going, if there wasnt and it was in my hubbys head then like you say she would have noticed the attention and did nothing to stop it but I suppose she owes me nothing. She did actually look sort of uneasily at me when I went into his work a short time after discovery, it actually told me that she either knew or was a part of it, I didnt need to humiliate myself more.
BetrayedH Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 I agree, I would not consider contacting the ow. Even when I first figured it out I decided it was pointless and would give me no answers. If there was an affair she would lie to save face at work or keep it going, if there wasnt and it was in my hubbys head then like you say she would have noticed the attention and did nothing to stop it but I suppose she owes me nothing. She did actually look sort of uneasily at me when I went into his work a short time after discovery, it actually told me that she either knew or was a part of it, I didnt need to humiliate myself more. I wouldn't be so sure. There are a lot of OW on the OM/OW forum that may feel it's not their place to expose the affair but have openly said that if the betrayed wife asked them, they would answer honestly. I think you underestimate how many OW would welcome the conversation. In many cases, they were lied to as much as the BW. You certainly have to be wary of lies but at the same time, you could very well learn some truth that you wouldn't know otherwise. And I see no reason whatsoever for you to feel ANY humiliation. It's quite refreshing to see two women bond over dumping a man that doesn't deserve either of them, let alone both. 1
Coolit Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 What? So calling a stranger to ask if they had an affair with the spouse isn't humiliating? Now I have to disagree. No it doesn't have to be. And you don't have to call someone. You can use email, texting or fb. The thing is, if the WS doesn't expect it they often don't have lies lined up with their AP. and the fact that this OW is single means she has no reason to lie. It is actually not that common for someone to lose their job over an A unless there is solid evidence it happened at work. As a WW I agree with BH. I believe all BS should contact the ow and ask for them to tell them what happened. They may get lies, they my get silence, or they may fet the truth. But if the OP ask questions without leading information she will know the ows lies. For instance, the dog walks and so on. I was finally cotacted by the BW. I told her everything. She doesn't believe me because to do so would mean her husband cheated on her. But that doesn't mean i didn't hand the truth to her. And if you look at the stories and compare them you can often see which makes the most rational sense.
BetrayedH Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 What? So calling a stranger to ask if they had an affair with the spouse isn't humiliating? Now I have to disagree. Hmm. Well, you're certainly entitled to your opinion on it. Opinions vary. Personally, I never felt any shame for my wife's affair. That's on her. I speak pretty openly with whomever about it. I also met with the OM (for different reasons in my case) and never felt any shame in front of him either. Not sure what I should feel humiliated about. My wife was an adult and made her own juvenile decisions. That's not on me. Other BSs feel differently. I wish they didn't. Unless they voted in favor of their spouse cheating on them, the shame on the wayward.
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