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Strange question, but is it okay to not be the person you dreamed you'd be?

h2man

By h2man
in Self-Improvement and Personal Well-Being

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h2man Member

h2man

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I'm starting to feel like my life will never be what I wanted it to be, or a measurable success in any way and I need to learn to be happy with a 'second or third' rate version of what I dreamed of in life...

 

For example, I have a failed marriage with a teenage daughter who doesn't talk to me, was laid off my career job, recently got herpes and just broke up with a seemingly perfect woman (except that she was sleeping with someone else!)

 

So, no job, no family, no girlfriend, living in shared housing... I didn't expect this at my age - I have to learn to be comfortable with being a failure at what I tried to create in life and somehow embrace another, less successful version

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dichotomy Established Member

dichotomy

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It could always be worse. KCCO!

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Bito Established Member

Bito

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I think just about everyone struggles with that feeling at some point I'm their life.

 

What your going through is beyond terrinble and my heart goes out to you. I hope You can find the strength to love yourself as are.

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Grumpybutfun Established Member

Grumpybutfun

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h2man:

I think life sometimes throws things at us that we never expect. It is the human condition to have to reinvent ourselves at some point in our lives. I know that many dreams are crushed and the "vision" of our lives are sometimes completely different from what we thought it would be.

It sounds as though you have been through quite a bit in your life and I wonder if your decisions weren't ones you would have made had you known the outcome. Unfortunately we cannot undo the past, but we can learn from mistakes and prepare for a better future- start over, if you will. Instead of holding onto your dreams of your younger years, make a new dream. Envision things you could work towards in your future based on where you are now and not where you were years ago. I like to make lists of what I want and what I can do to make them happen. Preparation and self-reflection are great tools to help you achieve new dreams and to value the life you have now. There are many books on achievement and goal planning. There are also some on recovery after life's disappointments.

In support,

Grumps

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h2man Member

h2man

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Thanks everyone... I think I am finding that forgiveness (to myself) seems to be the best first step :)

Kristine Established Member

Kristine

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Life sucks sometimes. You are going through a lot. But keep hope and keep on trying and you will reach a point where you feel fulfilled and successful.

 

I was a college drop out, twice divorced, and well it got super bad for a long time. I went back to school, graduated, now have a career I'm developing, am working out to get back into shape, and in therapy to work over the issues I carry regarding my divorces, and son's suicide. I'm not where I want to be just yet, because I still live with my mother. But I am making progress daily.

 

You can get on treatment plans for herpes who knows they may have a cure someday. Keep hoping. Things do improve. You just have to keep on trying. I was fired once, then I got a better job for a big corporation at their headquarters. You just don't know what's in store for you life! Keep on believing and never settle for less than your dreams/desires. You can achieve them.

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Double D Established Member

Double D

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I am currently trying to grieving as the career, life and dreams I hoped and strived for is not going to happen. I need to find a new career, life and new hopes and dreams, which Im struggling to do at the moment.

 

Be the best person you know you can be and hopefully that can bring you some peace in your life. Take solace in knowing that you tried your best. Sometimes thats all you can do.

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emva07 Established Member

emva07

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After the storm, comes the rainbow.

 

You will overcome and this will all be a terrible chapter in your life. Keep strong and most importantly, stay positive in order to attract positive energy.

 

I (and a lot of people I know) aren't the person we dreamed of being YET, and yes, I must admit sometimes it gets frustrating, but we must push on in order to get there. Head high, we all get there at different times.

Edited by emva07
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  • 4 weeks later...
TiredFamilyGuy Established Member

TiredFamilyGuy

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Well new age rainbow-unicorn-fairy stuff aside..

 

" I have a failed marriage with a teenage daughter who doesn't talk to me, was laid off my career job, recently got herpes and just broke up with a seemingly perfect woman (except that she was sleeping with someone else!)"

 

That all sucks mightily. But leaves you in possession of your intellect, some physical health, a sense of humor and indomitable willpower!

 

Good luck and fortitude to you.

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Lokie Established Member

Lokie

Posted
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I'm starting to feel like my life will never be what I wanted it to be, or a measurable success in any way and I need to learn to be happy with a 'second or third' rate version of what I dreamed of in life...

 

So, no job, no family, no girlfriend, living in shared housing... I didn't expect this at my age - I have to learn to be comfortable with being a failure at what I tried to create in life and somehow embrace another, less successful version

 

Hi h2man,

 

I completely understand what you are feeling. I had a similar chunk of changes hit me all at the same time in 2008. I am still surprised I didn't lose it, off myself -- or drink (I am sober 11 years) - but in hindsight, I'm going to say something that will most likely make you (and others) groan... ready? ... it has made me a much stronger person who really trusts and loves herself today.

 

I tend toward Buddhist thought, and when I learned the First Noble Truth in Buddhism is that "Life is suffering." I thought, well, at least this stuff isn't a load of crap, cuz hot damn, I'm suffering. Anyway, there are many Western Buddhist teachers and authors that have saved my butt when I was in emotional chaos. If you are interested, check out Pema Chodron's "Heart Advice for Difficult Times" and Sylvia Boorstein's "It's Easier Than You Think." They have both written more stuff that may appeal to you more, but I think they are both excellent at taking a centuries old way of living and breaking it into practical pieces of information that can get us through tough times.

 

Lastly, I can't say enough about gratitude. So much of my transformation has been about a perspective shift. I am currently not working, not in a relationship, pet-less and not living in a house in the hills, but I'm probably more content than I have ever been in my life. It's kind of baffling really.

 

I'm thinking good thoughts for you and really hope you feel some peace soon.

 

L.

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crederer Established Member

crederer

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I don't think anyones life turns out they way they wanted it. Even people that dream of being pro athletes that become athletes end up wanting other things they can't have. It's the human condition.

 

Bruce Springsteen once said "I'm too drunk to taste this chicken" er....wait...."is a dream a lie if it don't come true?"

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  • 2 weeks later...
brokenblade Member

brokenblade

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Of course. Very many people end up not being who they'd thought they be. In some cases, they turn out better.

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Valen Established Member

Valen

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When I was five, I thought I would be the next Spiderman.

 

When I was 14, I thought I would be the next Leonardo Da Vinci.

 

When I was 20, I thought I would be a teacher.

 

When I was 29, I thought I would be rich.

 

Turns out, none of that matters. What I thought I want to become changes as I grow older and learn more about who I am. I find that improving myself as a person is by far a better goal than any external achievement. In fact, I shed this notion that I have to become someone. I come to realize that life is a constant struggle to be truly me. The end goal is to be free to be yourself.

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h2man Member

h2man

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Of course. Very many people end up not being who they'd thought they be. In some cases, they turn out better.

 

What I thought I want to become changes as I grow older and learn more about who I am. I find that improving myself as a person is by far a better goal than any external achievement. In fact, I shed this notion that I have to become someone. I come to realize that life is a constant struggle to be truly me. The end goal is to be free to be yourself.

 

Thanks guys :) I agree! I am just having a hard time dealing with it all... I just got scabes from living in a house full of students and having a lowered immune system from getting herpes this year, plus pulled a back muscle which has given me sciatica making it extremely painful to even walk and I am thinking - here I am, alone, living in a student dorm, no wife, gf or family to help or take care of me and it just seems so far from where I wanted to be at this point in my life (not rich or successful or famous, but just in a stable loving situation somewhere) so that I have honestly thought I don't want to continue living like this... I agree the object or goal is to become the best person you can be, but this is bringing the worst out in me from the pain, isolation and loneliness (and fighting off depression) that I honestly think I have given it my best go, and now it's time to accept defeat

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