Goodbye Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 I apologize for the rambling nature of this post. I left my marriage when I was 41. At that point, I was so relieved to be out, the thought of being alone didn't frighten me at all. Having three wonderful daughters makes me feel quite fulfilled...usually. I realize it sounds like the usual cliché here, but my R with exMM developed quite unexpectedly. It was intense and comfortable. I was deceived and it is over. Emotionally, I am moving forward and feeling better with time, recovering from the ordeal. One of the consequences of the R is that it awakened my desire to NOT be alone for the rest of my life. I miss that independent feeling I had when I first separated from my exH. Now I daydream about lovely, kind, polite men...who do not exist in my life, lol. Dating in your 40's sucks, for lack of a nicer word. Not that I've actually dated, other than exMM, but I'm speculating. I had a "friend" ask me out this week. He is a few years older, handsome, has a successful business, has daughters the same age of mine...and he is divorced, solidly, for several years. Sounds promising...BUT...he is my best childhood friend's ex. Not exH, but exbf. I can't quite figure out how to handle that situation without possibly hurting my dear friend...so I think I will just not go. Which is a shame because the pool of options is quite dry. OW/OM...have you dated post-break up with the exMM/Mw? Did it help you move on? Or did it make you miss the comfort of your AP. I want to move on, but I also do want to open myself to a flood of emotion. Unfortunately, I'm one of those women who can't seem to have casual dating situations.
hollyhillcourt Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 Dating in your 40's isn't as bad as it seems, I think it's the newness that is daunting for you. Have you talked to your friend about this man? I think you should. You can feel it out casually if that is more comfortable. At our age it would be silly for her to be upset. Perhaps dating seems hard bc you Re fresh out of the gates. You need to 'date practice' that's what me and my gf's call it. The more you so this the better you will get. I'm dating after my exMM and it has helped me tremendously. 4
Author Goodbye Posted September 26, 2013 Author Posted September 26, 2013 I'm in my early 40s. Dating is actually easier than it was in my 20s. Dating a man in his 40s or 50s makes it easy to see what you're getting. They won't be changing too much so what you see is what you get. Some are idiots but some know who they are and what they want. The pressure's off. I won't be having children with them so it's easier to just focus on who I want to spend my time with. So far so good. That is a good point. No pressure on the kid front. Of course, exMM wanted to try to have a baby...which at 43 didn't sound all that realistic...never mind the fact that he was MARRIED:rolleyes:. Holly, I'm glad that you are out there and its been a good experience. I appreciate your input. 1
TaintedLuv Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 That is a good point. No pressure on the kid front. Of course, exMM wanted to try to have a baby...which at 43 didn't sound all that realistic...never mind the fact that he was MARRIED:rolleyes:. Holly, I'm glad that you are out there and its been a good experience. I appreciate your input. My MM would give me a child if I asked for one. Only one condition, he'd have no part in his/her life. I guess neither our baby or I are good enough for him. I've dated a little during our periods of NC, it always made me depressed. Not that I was comparing. I just have a hard time connecting with people. I guess that's why I fall hard when I do have a connection. I hate dating. I'd rather have a LTR. Right now, I'm taking a break from men all together. I fear i may break out in tears in front of some strange man. Lol. I'll be 31 in a few months, I definitely need to get myself out there once i regain my strength. I've basically been out of the dating scene since I was 25. Can't ignore that baby clock entering my 30s. :| 1
legalgirl Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 I'm in my mid-30's and think dating sucks! lol I think that's why I allow myself to be available to the exMM. It was comfortable and I knew what I was getting with him. Even though I knew it was not a full blown relationship, I got the attention I craved. But then I would find myself feeling sad, hating the fact that I had to "schedule" a time to see him. I wanted a real date, a guy I could call whenever, a guy I didn't have to wonder where he was at when I didn't hear from him. So I'm still waiting for Mr. Right!!!! 3
TaintedLuv Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 I'm in my mid-30's and think dating sucks! lol I think that's why I allow myself to be available to the exMM. It was comfortable and I knew what I was getting with him. Even though I knew it was not a full blown relationship, I got the attention I craved. But then I would find myself feeling sad, hating the fact that I had to "schedule" a time to see him. I wanted a real date, a guy I could call whenever, a guy I didn't have to wonder where he was at when I didn't hear from him. So I'm still waiting for Mr. Right!!!! Thats so frustrating. Even if i dated a subpar SG, at this point I would likely think he's amazing just for the fact that I would be treated like a human being and not like some locked up monster in a tower. I used to tell my MM this all the time, the next guy will always have that on u and I will love him for it. 1
Cali408 Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 Go on the date. How long ago did they date? He doesn't sound like he has a lot of baggage. What do you have to lose? A coffee or a dinner? See it as an outing, don't get romantic. The good thing about people in their 40's is there's not much to hide. The problem is the baggage, both emotional and family. The only thing you need to be is a little cynical. If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, then you'll see it on the Aflac commercial. My ex AP is going through a divorce and has a lot of baggage. She is now dating on a rebound a good lookng successful guy who loves dating damaged women. He's been married twice, engaged once and it's always their fault the relationship is over. And he's 45! She's falling for him hook line and sinker. It helps me do no contact, because I've realized what an emotional fool she is. 3
myname Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 I'm in my early forties too, and it seems pretty tough actually. It's tough to meet any eligible men, and I do go out but dating just doesn't really happen. I don't have children so there's that as well which makes it worse cos I'm unlikely to now. Basically it's looking very much like I'm going to be single and childless potentially for the rest of my life!
hollyhillcourt Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 I'm in my early forties too, and it seems pretty tough actually. It's tough to meet any eligible men, and I do go out but dating just doesn't really happen. I don't have children so there's that as well which makes it worse cos I'm unlikely to now. Basically it's looking very much like I'm going to be single and childless potentially for the rest of my life! I'm sorry you are having such a tough time . Dating isn't always the easiest for me either, but it's like going to the gym - it's something I have to do if I truly want the results that I want. If that makes sense? I also do not have children, but have dated men with them so even though time is short you can still be fulfilled if you marry a man with children, but in a different way. I've spent way too much time on my career and regret that, however I have made peace with it. Keep dating, they are out there. I find them. But it is like diamond mining!!!!! LOL 1
waytogo Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 I apologize for the rambling nature of this post. I left my marriage when I was 41. At that point, I was so relieved to be out, the thought of being alone didn't frighten me at all. Having three wonderful daughters makes me feel quite fulfilled...usually. I realize it sounds like the usual cliché here, but my R with exMM developed quite unexpectedly. It was intense and comfortable. I was deceived and it is over. Emotionally, I am moving forward and feeling better with time, recovering from the ordeal. One of the consequences of the R is that it awakened my desire to NOT be alone for the rest of my life. I miss that independent feeling I had when I first separated from my exH. Now I daydream about lovely, kind, polite men...who do not exist in my life, lol. Dating in your 40's sucks, for lack of a nicer word. Not that I've actually dated, other than exMM, but I'm speculating. I had a "friend" ask me out this week. He is a few years older, handsome, has a successful business, has daughters the same age of mine...and he is divorced, solidly, for several years. Sounds promising...BUT...he is my best childhood friend's ex. Not exH, but exbf. I can't quite figure out how to handle that situation without possibly hurting my dear friend...so I think I will just not go. Which is a shame because the pool of options is quite dry. OW/OM...have you dated post-break up with the exMM/Mw? Did it help you move on? Or did it make you miss the comfort of your AP. I want to move on, but I also do want to open myself to a flood of emotion. Unfortunately, I'm one of those women who can't seem to have casual dating situations. I agree with others that suggested you talk to your friend. We're they REAL involved, lived together,etc. Does she miss him or want him back? Were they together a few weeks, months or years? It wouldn't be worth loosing a friendship of decades for what could mean one date. If it was something that just wouldn't take off for the two of them she might even like it if something special happened for the two of you. I've actually set nice guys I went out with a few times up with others when it was clear the nice guys were only friendship zone for me, but would be great for someone else. Don't write this one off without speaking to your friend first. 2
Author Goodbye Posted September 26, 2013 Author Posted September 26, 2013 I agree with others that suggested you talk to your friend. We're they REAL involved, lived together,etc. Does she miss him or want him back? Were they together a few weeks, months or years? It wouldn't be worth loosing a friendship of decades for what could mean one date. If it was something that just wouldn't take off for the two of them she might even like it if something special happened for the two of you. I've actually set nice guys I went out with a few times up with others when it was clear the nice guys were only friendship zone for me, but would be great for someone else. Don't write this one off without speaking to your friend first. They were a "real" couple until about 18 months ago...not living together, but in a relationship. She broke up with him because he wasn't really her "type." She, since then, met a man more of her "type," they dated and broke up. Since breaking up with him, she seems to want to spend more time with Joe (not his real name)..."as friends" but still...she seems to desire him as "back up." I guess it isn't worth messing with a long time friendship...just its "slim pickens" out there. We shall see. My friend Mary (not her real name) has suggested in the past that I'd be a better "match" for Joe...but since her break up with new guy, she hasn't mentioned this again. I realize part of my desire to date stems from my exMM asking me not to do so...to "wait" for him.
thefooloftheyear Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 There are days when I feel like "the window closed". I am in my 40's and between a busy business life and the fact that I also have a little girl(11) that needs all of my attention that I can possibly give her, its not like my kids are grown. Ill let fate determine the path of the rest of my life, I suppose..We'll see what happens... I can relate.. TFY
Cali408 Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 They were a "real" couple until about 18 months ago...not living together, but in a relationship. She broke up with him because he wasn't really her "type." She, since then, met a man more of her "type," they dated and broke up. Since breaking up with him, she seems to want to spend more time with Joe (not his real name)..."as friends" but still...she seems to desire him as "back up." I guess it isn't worth messing with a long time friendship...just its "slim pickens" out there. We shall see. My friend Mary (not her real name) has suggested in the past that I'd be a better "match" for Joe...but since her break up with new guy, she hasn't mentioned this again. I realize part of my desire to date stems from my exMM asking me not to do so...to "wait" for him. This is a no brainer. Tell your friend and date him. Stop making excuses. She has even said your better for him than her. Secondly, date because you want to, not for revenge. Good luck! 2
whereamigoing Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 Regarding Joe and the best friend: discuss it with your friend. If she is as over him as she should be at this point than she should really be happy for the two of you. But she may not be. I learned this the hard way years ago and lost a friend over it. In later discussion she did admit she didn't know she still had feelings for him until I became briefly involved with him. They did date again, briefly, but soon realized why they'd broken up in the first place. Dating post-A: it took a while but I eventually for end myself to do it and it got easier. Then I met current live-in BF and he has been a huge part in my recovery. He's amazing, patient, and understanding. He knows my history with xMM and that we are still in limited contact. Our relationship is winding down now and we are both preparing to start on the next stage of our separate journeys. We will always remain friends and be part of each others' lives but ultimately we have different life goals. I will be the happiest person at his wedding other than the bride and groom when that day comes for him. I guess the moral of the story is that dating, for me, is approached with a sense of adventure and focusing on the journey not the destination. It takes the pressure off of dating when you approach it with whimsy. Worst case scenario (except for criminal acts) is you have a good story to tell your girlfriends about over a glass of wine. Absolutely do NOT wait for MM. He is not waiting for you. Live your life and do what makes you happy. If you are happy you won't care what MM says or does. 2
TheOW Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 Go for it goodbye My moto is u only live once grab life with both hands, he could be the one, the one to fulfil you completely - don't let this opportunity go awry. 1
KentuckyGent Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 Dating in your 40's isn't as bad as it seems, Disagree. It is awful.
KentuckyGent Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 Basically it's looking very much like I'm going to be single and childless potentially for the rest of my life! Me too. I hate "dating". Find the whole thing a tedious exercise. Like one poster said before I think the comfort of the A keeps us in it for too long even though we're getting crumbs and are being used and lied to. Like she also said, I'd like to just get right to a comfortable LTR without all the dating. 2
hollyhillcourt Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 Disagree. It is awful. KG - I've gone back and read your posts. You have a lot going for you and what many women I know are looking for. Be real. It's not aweful. You can pull yourself up and out, when you want to. Surely, you know this? 1
hollyhillcourt Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 Me too. I hate "dating". Find the whole thing a tedious exercise. Like one poster said before I think the comfort of the A keeps us in it for too long even though we're getting crumbs and are being used and lied to. Like she also said, I'd like to just get right to a comfortable LTR without all the dating. No guts, no glory. C'mon guys and gals. Do these crazy married people have control of our lives? Heck no!!! Wallowing, and I am not saying you ate but rather making a general statement, has never fixed anything. All I know is that I would rather be alone them have my exMM or any man think I can not live on my own. Thanks Mom 2
Author Goodbye Posted September 27, 2013 Author Posted September 27, 2013 I'm still at the point where I'd rather be alone than to be married to my exH. I was in love with the exMM, so I suppose I long for that feeling again. I had a certain comfort with him as we'd been a couple in the past, and had 20 plus years of history. So, the whole initial dating phase scares the cr*p out of me. And, I don't drink, so I can't even soften the nerves with wine! I'm going to talk to "Joe" later today...I'll see how I feel and then I will broach the topic with my friend. 2
JustJoe Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 Unlike a lot of posters, I think that you need to identify what it is that you want from dating. If you are "on the prowl" for another LTR, and are constantly evaluating or judging potential dates as to their long-term suitability, then most likely you will always be disappointed or scared off. If you date to have some fun and companionship, and you like this guy, then why not give it a try and see how it goes? Dating does not always have to be such an intense process. A little less Angst and a little more frivolity might be a better, more pleasant , lifestyle. 1
Author Goodbye Posted September 27, 2013 Author Posted September 27, 2013 Unlike a lot of posters, I think that you need to identify what it is that you want from dating. If you are "on the prowl" for another LTR, and are constantly evaluating or judging potential dates as to their long-term suitability, then most likely you will always be disappointed or scared off. If you date to have some fun and companionship, and you like this guy, then why not give it a try and see how it goes? Dating does not always have to be such an intense process. A little less Angst and a little more frivolity might be a better, more pleasant , lifestyle. I agree with you Joe. Unfortunately, I'm just not wired for casual dating. And after an 17 year marriage, I'm less so. Dating is just not fun for me. I'm very much an introvert. Fun would be spending a night home alone with a book. I do enjoy being very connected to another, and I suppose I long for that. There is no easy solution. I could choose not to date and remain alone. Or I can only date those who fit my most basic standards and try and make it ask easy going and "fun" as possible.
thefooloftheyear Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 (edited) I agree with you Joe. Unfortunately, I'm just not wired for casual dating. And after an 17 year marriage, I'm less so. Dating is just not fun for me. I'm very much an introvert. Fun would be spending a night home alone with a book. I do enjoy being very connected to another, and I suppose I long for that. There is no easy solution. I could choose not to date and remain alone. Or I can only date those who fit my most basic standards and try and make it ask easy going and "fun" as possible. Most women aren't..... Thats been my experience anyway.. TFY Edited September 27, 2013 by thefooloftheyear
Author Goodbye Posted September 27, 2013 Author Posted September 27, 2013 Most women aren't..... Thats been my experience anyway.. TFY Yes, many women are not wired to think dating is fun. I think women who've been in a long term marriage and have kids are even less enthralled with it. That is the other issue I didn't mention. I don't really want to assume the role of "playing the field" while I have teens to raise. I'd rather quietly meet someone, get to know him while they have time with their dad, and let them know him from a distance. My exH definitely hit the dating scene with ghusto following our separation and he has landed himself a young filly, lol. I don't enjoy the message this sends to my 3 girls:rolleyes:. I guess dating at 45 just doesn't seem dignified. I hope I'm wrong. 1
Cali408 Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 Go on the date and have fun. You can't get a hit unless you go up to the plate and swing the bat. And don't even think about 9/17/14. Have fun. I think it's easier for men to date because they are wired different emotionally.
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