bolase Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 Ex is also coworker. He said he had nothing to offer me. We were pretty close, but he was cynical and depressed after his 4year relationship ended a few months before we went out, for 3 months. So I pushed to know what he wanted. I want to be friends as I'm doing well in getting over it, so want to suggest a (friendly) game of cards and drink etc. at work we act like distant workmates but I always catch him looking at me. I don't look at him, I just throw myself into work. I guess I care about how he's doing because he's depressed. But I don't know. Should I just leave it? We broke up 2 weeks ago.
melell Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 Personally I would just leave it, chances are he is comparing you to his ex a lot at this point. I would not want to be the rebound at all. 2
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 (edited) Ex is also coworker. He said he had nothing to offer me. We were pretty close, but he was cynical and depressed after his 4year relationship ended a few months before we went out, for 3 months. So I pushed to know what he wanted. I want to be friends as I'm doing well in getting over it, so want to suggest a (friendly) game of cards and drink etc. at work we act like distant workmates but I always catch him looking at me. I don't look at him, I just throw myself into work. I guess I care about how he's doing because he's depressed. But I don't know. Should I just leave it? We broke up 2 weeks ago. Hmmm... From the outside perspective, since it was just two weeks ago, that is still pretty early. This is why I dont date anyone who has just broke up with somebody recently because stuff like this is bound to happen. Wasnt your fault so I wouldnt take it personally. If you REALLY want to be his friend and nothing more, I would give it more time. THEN maybe I would say I JUST want to be friends and whatever. However, if this is a tool to possibly get him back to a BF level after being in the friend level for a while, I'd back off and not look back. Edited September 26, 2013 by ConfusedHumanBeing 2
Author bolase Posted September 28, 2013 Author Posted September 28, 2013 (edited) Thanks. I really feel that he has taken it hard as well, from the way he acts around me at work and always spending time on his own getting away from everything rather than with other people. I think life is too short to not be kind and now that I realise I don't want to go back down that path I did text him. Hopefully, it was the right thing to do. It's the first contact we've had outside work since. I just told him I hoped he was doing okay - and that Friendly chess (we played a lot, as friends too) was on offer, sometime. I don't think he'll say yes to that, but it's just a gesture I hope that he appreciates, because I don't hate him or feel angry. Even if he just says thanks or okay. I think that depression is tough when you also are worried that your illness is hurting other people and it makes you feel guilty; I don't want him to feel guilty. I hope we can move on and be work friends. Edited September 28, 2013 by bolase
madjac74 Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 Don't date co-workers is the moral of this story. 3
Author bolase Posted September 28, 2013 Author Posted September 28, 2013 No, that really has nothing to do with anything. I've come to terms with the fact we work together. Fact is lots of people meet at work. Similar interests, etc.
madjac74 Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 It has a lot to do with it. You could end up losing your job over it if things got out of control. Lots of people hook up at work...very true! It doesn't mean they should. 1
Author bolase Posted September 28, 2013 Author Posted September 28, 2013 This is not about work, though. It had very little to do with work...
madjac74 Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 Not really true. You have to deal with this person every day. It seems like you would rather distance yourself from this situation but you really can't. I'm not trying to be a jerk so I am sorry if it comes off that way.
Author bolase Posted September 28, 2013 Author Posted September 28, 2013 I'd rather know that he's okay, while distancing myself by getting on with work, yknow? Gees dude.
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 Thats not really what it seems like you are doing. Looking back on it now, I will go against what I said earlier. I think you need to leave it alone.
Author bolase Posted September 28, 2013 Author Posted September 28, 2013 Thanks, yeah, I plan to! Just thought I should do something kind that we hopefully both feel a little better for.
Amelie1980 Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 Ex is also coworker. He said he had nothing to offer me. We were pretty close, but he was cynical and depressed after his 4year relationship ended a few months before we went out, for 3 months. So I pushed to know what he wanted. I want to be friends as I'm doing well in getting over it, so want to suggest a (friendly) game of cards and drink etc. at work we act like distant workmates but I always catch him looking at me. I don't look at him, I just throw myself into work. I guess I care about how he's doing because he's depressed. But I don't know. Should I just leave it? We broke up 2 weeks ago. That is exactly what just happened to me. Dated a guy for 2.5 months and found out he was only 3 months out of a 4 year relationship when we met. he was also in a lot of turmoil over his job and is depressed, I think. I was sad when he said he wasn't in the right frame of mind to date but let it go. I am not hurt to the extent where I cant have contact and so how long do you think is best to leave it before.I contact him and ask how he is?
Author bolase Posted September 28, 2013 Author Posted September 28, 2013 Thanks Amelie, helps to hear that! I was really hurt in my case, and responded st the time by saying it was the right decision and I didn't feel we were really being open and making effort or it wouldn't come to this conversation. He stressed how nothing was wrong and he didn't think we were incompatible, but I said well obviously we are. I couldn't believe it was really his situation, as opposed to me, but I now think it was just bad timing but also were not right as a couple if he won't let me support ad care for him. So I have to go my own way! Sorry you are having a hard time too. I waited til now 2.5 weeks of NC outside work. As we had just begun to chat again at work (though now it's me whose normal and him awkward, which was the opposite in the days after the breakup) I felt it's ok to text him and say I hope he's ok and a friendly game is on offer. He hasn't responded and so probably won't, but that's ok. It's jst a gesture. Didn't ask qns so he doesn't feel compelled to reply. When I see him Monday I will be normal, again.
Author bolase Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 Just wanted to update this as I heard back from him, 3 days later. He said: hey! That sounds fun. I'm keen whenever suits you. I think this is a good thing. I'm in no rush to hang out as I'm trying to kerp occupied, but at least we know we don't hate each other. But what's with replying to my msg 3 days later after we've seen each other at work? Is this a bipolar thing? He was very manic on Monday and apparently spent all weekend drinking.
candie13 Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 Girl, you've got everything wrong! He dumps you and you wanna kiss and make it better because "he's depressed"? It's his own bloody business to take care about himself. Wh's taking care of you? Who's cheering you up? You know whom? No one! Stop giving and start taking. From a scale of 1 to 10, doing anything "friendly" with him is totally wrong. You will end up in bed. You getting your hopes up and him getting laid. You know why he texted you after 3 days? Because he didn't really want to see you,. He was considering his other options. And when nothing better came along, three days later, he said to himself that some pity sex is better than no sex. Don't fool us and don't fool yourself, you are emotionally involved, so you're not thinking straight. Or should I say, your hormones do all the talking. Ever heard of the NC rule for 60 days after the break up? Start implementing it. Just cancel all your plans and focus on you and your business. Stop talking to him and start getting mad. It'll help. take care 1
Author bolase Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 (edited) Thanks no contact isn't an option as we work together but yes i didn't need to text. I am being too nice to this guy and I know it! but was and am genuinely concerned because of his mental illness, even though it's not my problem. I don't want to make up with him and get back together. I am going on a second date with a new guy tomorrow. Edited October 1, 2013 by bolase
candie13 Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 his mental illness is his issue to take care of. You cannot solve anyone's issues, they need to work on those themselves. You're wasting your time. Since NC isn't an option, how about LC, how about you NOT initiating any conversation and getting together and doing stuff? You're vulnerable. And the fact that you're going on a second or third or millionth date with a guy you don't like won't change the fact that you still have feelings for your ex. You know why? Because if you really liked your new date, you'd be more concerned about how to dress up for your upcoming date, instead of starting a thread about your ex. You are delaying the healing process, IMHO, but it's you're own decision. It's not that you're "being too nice" to your ex. A person either gives or takes something from you. He kept taking when you were dating and he will continue to keep taking now, that you've broken up. The funny thing... is that you are the one giving it all. For free. How do you expect him to appreciate it? You think he does? No, he does not. He is minding his own business. I'd do the same, if I were you. Anyway, I understand that some people need to make their own mistakes, to learn. Brace yourself. Take care
Author bolase Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 Some of that is fair enough but yes, I am thinking about what to wear on my date, date knows I'm newly single and I began this thread well before this point! I think you are being a bit cold. I shouldn't have texted. I know that. But it's part of the healing process to make mistakes and I've done pretty good, this aside.
candie13 Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 Listen, I know all about people who are hurt or depressed and we / I want to help them get better. It's just that you are way more involved and it means a lot more to you than it does to him - keeping this "friendship" alive. I think you're a very nice person, but I also think you're fooling yourself. It's over, you do realize it, don't you? Depression takes between 6 months to one year to heal, and that is, if you are seeing a doc and are making active efforts to get over it. It breaks my heart to see you trying so hard to connect with him. It's just that he is not in the same place with you, and the longer you stay near him, the more you're gonna get hurt. And I am sorry, no, you are not doing pretty good. Why would you do pretty good? Because you accepted that he told you that it's over? Other than your relationship being over, nothing's changed. You're still pinning over him. You're still initiating contact... what is it that you're doing right? Really, reduce the contact to minimum for a month or so and focus on yourself. If after that, you feel the same, cool, work on your "friendship". You need space to grieve, after your relationship is over. It seems to me like you're not grieving at all. But are reaching out to him instead. Why is that, you think? Could it be because you didn't really accept it's over? Not really let him go. Nor really gotten over him... listen, him and his problems are none of your business. You are. Take good good care of yourself, because no one else will, unless you do. You need to be your first priority. Allow yourself to be sad. Allow yourself to cry. It means you're moving on.
Amelie1980 Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 Just wanted to update this as I heard back from him, 3 days later. He said: hey! That sounds fun. I'm keen whenever suits you. I think this is a good thing. I'm in no rush to hang out as I'm trying to kerp occupied, but at least we know we don't hate each other. But what's with replying to my msg 3 days later after we've seen each other at work? Is this a bipolar thing? He was very manic on Monday and apparently spent all weekend drinking. What did you say to him on the text?
Author bolase Posted October 2, 2013 Author Posted October 2, 2013 I said hi, I hope he is doing ok. Friendly (game we used to play) is on offer, sometime. Not to ask for him to meet me just to check whether we are cool I guess.
reddragon588 Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 I said hi, I hope he is doing ok. Friendly (game we used to play) is on offer, sometime. Not to ask for him to meet me just to check whether we are cool I guess. You aren't cool though. You're broken up. As long as you're broken up, you won't be cool. It ultimately doesn't matter. The only way you can be "cool" is by improving yourself and focusing on making yourself happy, and even them he may never know you did these things. But it doesn't matter- this is for you. The best way to respect the end of the relationship is by moving on.
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