polger Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 So a little bit of background, my ex and I dated for 2 years. We started off long distance and would see each other pretty often, after a couple of times of meeting she had gotten pregnant with my child, but miscarried in the end miscarried. I was there with her the whole time she was pregnant and was very supportive. After this she developed anxiety issues and depression about her health, so I moved in with her to help her through the end of college (this was her idea). I got a job in the area after about 3 months of looking and she graduated, she then got offered 2 positions, one 20 miles away and the other 2,000 miles away. She took the latter option and we were left doing long distance again. I was upset by her decision as leaving my new job wasn't an option for me as I had just moved countries to be with her and I had signed a lease on an apartment. I continued to support her through her difficulties, her anxiety and depression was up and down, there were points where she outright refused to help herself. I spent many late nights on Skype with her because of these issues. At this point our relationship was really suffering as her issues absorbed all our time. I tried countless times to encourage her to get out and meet people, but every time there was an excuse. I visited her every 2 months or so and sometimes the I felt like we were back to how were when we met, but these periods were very short lived. I planned activities for the 2 of us and most of them we never did as she wasn't feeling well, everything I did was thrown back in my face and I was getting to the point where I felt the need to break up with her. I talked through these issues with her and she said she felt we had lost our spark, but she still loved me, I still loved her and cared so I decided to give it another try. A couple months after I invited her to my home country for christmas so she could meet my family and maybe take a holiday which she desperately needed. After the first day she started to get extremely moody, she ignored my family and started to treat me differently, it got to the point where she was just spending all her time in my bedroom and ignoring everybody else. I spoke to her about this and she said "nobody likes me and I have nothing in common to talk about". My family tried very hard to talk with her, but she wouldn't engage in conversation, they found it hard to talk to her. She told me I was a different person at home, I asked how, she said "happier", I told her "it's pretty obvious that I would be happy to be home, I mean it's my home". Again we discussed breaking up and how we felt about each other, we both still really loved each other and said we were both in it for the long term. Her attitude improved a good bit for the remainder of the trip. I had planned that we would spend half our time at her parents place. She then had issues with her own family and started to isolate herself again, we all tried to help her but we felt she was looking for attention, I had began to get frustrated with her as I rarely got out anymore and had to spend the majority of my Holidays in bed comforting her or on my laptop while she slept. We both went back to our jobs and continued with the long distance relationship, I was seriously considering breaking up, but I couldn't do that to her with how she was feeling. I knew the relationship wasn't going to work as it was causing me a lot of pain, but again I still loved her and understood that it wasn't easy to be going through what she was. I took another trip out to see her and this time it was pretty bad, I had sent her a very expensive set of flowers for valentines day that were not looked after. I mentioned it to her and she said "they are just flowers, they would have died anyway", I said "that's a pretty ****ty thing to say", but she just ignored it and wouldn't entertain the conversation. I was with her for 8 days and we got out of the apartment 3 maybe 4 times. She wasn't looking after herself and was very sick from malnutrition. I paid a lot of money to get her some proper groceries and vitamins, her health had improved by the time I was going home. We didn't have much of a goodbye at the airport, I don't think we even hugged. I looked at her and she looked at her feet. I said "goodbye" and still looking at her feet she said "goodbye". I turned and walked up to the security line, when I looked back she was looking at me with glassy eyes. That was the last time I have seen her in person, we continued to date for a further 4 months, but after 2 months she started come around a little bit and meet new people. She gradually started hanging out with them more and more. Then it go to a point where she started dressing up at random and would go days without talking to me. I knew what was coming so contacted her and said that we needed to talk, I told her it was great that she was getting better but that I had needs to, she told me she wanted to break up and I said "ok, I'm fine with that". She offered to talk to me the next day as she was going out in 15 minutes, I said "no" but asked her if there was somebody else and she said "no, i just don't miss you when we are not together". I went no contact and began to do everything that was right for me, I was now in a position to move and decided to move city, I lost over 40 pounds in weight as I had gained a lot from not having a very active social life. I felt liberated and that I could finally get back to being the old me. Then after 2 months she contacted me on IM where we use to talk regularly, she had just updated her profile picture of her and another guy kissing. This has confirmed everything I pretty much suspected, I asked her if she was in a relationship and she said yes, I asked her if she had cheated and she was very wishy washy about it. She then continued to tell me how she was a changed person and acts differently now, how she just had to go for it with him and that I was amazing to her. I was a little tipsy as I had been out drinking with some new friends, I didn't say anything bad, but I stayed talking to her because of poor judgement. She ended the conversation by saying she would try to get on to talk to me once a month, I said "I probably won't be on much, so whenever". Then I deleted her from my IM and talked to my family about it, they said she had been seeing him for a while now and she had updated her FB already and had de-friended me (I don't pay attention to FB). After handling the breakup really well, I can't help but feel like I was used and screwed over by somebody I gave so much. I know this sounds bad on my part, but I really felt sorry for her. I thought she wasn't a bad person, just somebody who makes bad decisions and then can't live with them. She crossed a line and I don't see myself talking to her ever again. The hardest part about this is that I still love her unconditionally and I don't want to. It's taken me 10 days to get my head around the betrayal and I'm only starting to get back on track with my growth and healing. I just feel like she never valued me, and that if I had of been a little more selfish I could have avoided this pain. I know that if I had left her, I would have felt like I was abandoning her. I know me, I would never be able to forgive myself for doing that. Thank you for reading, the one thing is if I had to do it all again I would have broken up with her earlier, her anxiety is not an excuse for how she treats people, she only really cares about herself, when I was with her, she didn't have a stable friendship with one person (even in her family). I guess I was hoping she would change. I know I have dodged a bullet, but it still hurts.
Kitchen Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 I'm so sorry mate. I know the feeling. My ex-gf dumped me a year ago but regretted it and it was obvious she still loved me, but then I found out she was lying to me about something very important to me so I refused to take her back. However I felt bad abandoning her so I stayed close with her and it was pretty much as if we were a couple without the title. Then one day recently I find out she found someone else and then cut me out of her life. I feel like an IDIOT for feeling bad for her and not cutting her off, and I even recognized that something like this might happen, but I still continued to be there for her. And let her treat us like a relationship. I'm sure you know the advice I am going to give. It's the same old NC and be selfish, do everything for yourself, work out etc. I've been in no contact for almost 4 weeks and have been working out frequently for the last 2-3 weeks and it has helped a lot. I never thought working out would help, but it has. That and the NC. Even though I feel ****ty now, I can say with confidence that I am in a much better place. You've obviously tried the NC so you know that it helps. Now there is another guy in the picture so it's harder, and I know it may feel impossible, but just do NC and start talking to as many as girls as possible, and you'll get better and better every week. I promise.
rakasan Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 It really does sound like you dealt with a lot of her problems and was nothing but supportive, even when she didn't seem all that grateful (just my opinion based on the post). I understand why you would feel hurt and betrayed by her actions, but it seems like you are starting to pick yourself back up, which is the best thing for you and the most important. Truthfully, it sounds like you had been wanting to break up with her for quite some time and just couldn't bring yourself to do it. Kicking yourself about it now will do you no good. And I personally wouldn't feel bad about cutting contact with her, especially since you guys are over and she has clearly moved on. Worry about yourself and keep your head up knowing what happened was for the best and that she is missing out.
Author polger Posted September 26, 2013 Author Posted September 26, 2013 Thanks for the feedback. I think she has moved on, but I still worry about her. She has a history of jumping from guy to guy and has had a lot of short relationships, I hope things work out for her whether it be this guy or the next. I don't understand why she threw it in my face when I was clearly doing no contact for a reason. I know that if we had stayed together I would have been miserable, I haven't been myself in almost 18 months, I'm really starting to enjoy being that person again. If I can't be myself around somebody then what's the point. Yes, I had wanted to break up with her for a while but just couldn't do it. None of my friends or family liked her, they are happy that the realtionship is over now, that really tells me all I need to know about the relationship. I've had friends dating girls for 2-4 years and being completely taking advantage of and blinded by love, guess it's an easy trap to fall into. It makes me feel naive though. I was attached to my own Idea of her and it was very far from what she is, the start of the relationship was very intense and that's what she is looking for in a relationship. I think it's unrealistic and natural for relationships to wind down especially when there is distance and depression involved. Things would have never worked out with us as her expectations are too high and her idea of a relationship is being infatuated with a person all the time. I know she still cares about me as she wants to keep in contact, but I don't think it will do any good for me and will just feed her ego. I've been very good with the no contact, she just caught me off-guard when I had been a little tipsy. My sister has been betrayed before and said after you get over the shock and anger it really speeds up your recovery. I'm still in a position where if she wanted to come back to me, my heart would say yes, but my head would say no. I have taken a couple of lessons away from this relationship already, I should not make excuses for peoples behavior they know clearly what they are doing, it's better to be alone than miserable with somebody else, to be myself and ensure that I'm happy as an individual, to set more boundaries and not be walked all over, and to forgive myself for all the pain I caused myself over the last 18 months of the relationship. You guys have been great, Kitchen I am very sorry about your situation also. I think abandoning my ex after the miscarriage was impossible for me an I'm sure you felt the same. It's not easy to cut people out of your life, especially when they are so needy. The writing is on the wall, but you just want to do all you can to help that person. I think it's important to recognise that you are a good person and you will meet somebody that shares the same qualities as you.
rakasan Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 "My sister has been betrayed before and said after you get over the shock and anger it really speeds up your recovery." Very, very true. I came to the forum to talk about how to deal with the aftermath of a horrible fight with my (now) ex and all those negative feelings about what he did and said to me have really helped me get over the loss of our relationship. At first I was shocked that he was even capable of hurting me and wronging me the way he did. Then I got angry. Then I cried. Oh boy, did I cry. And when you finally hit that acceptance stage, you'll realize that life just works out the way it is supposed to and that all you can do is be happy because life is going to keep flowing no matter what. I found talking to my friends to be really helpful. Keeping busy and doing things for myself I hadn't done while we were together also helps. I wish you the very best. Raka
Author polger Posted September 26, 2013 Author Posted September 26, 2013 Hey Raka, I really appreciate your feedback. Although I'm not completely over the fact that I was betrayed, it is comforting to hear that it does help you move on and get back out there. I'm sorry that you had to go through that, nobody ever thinks they will be cheated on and it is a slap in the face. I feel like I was never valued by my ex for her to do that to me. I have taken the high road and haven't lashed out, they say the best revenge is a life well lived, and that's what I plan on doing. I'm trying to keep my mind off it, but i feel there is times i need to work through the pain to gather some clarity. I've been very confused about what I'm feeling, and that is the hardest part. My emotions are finally starting to cool down and I can now rationalise why it happened. I was hopeless for about week and just couldn't keep my chin up. I still have work to do, but I think in a couple weeks I will have put this past me and I'll be back on track. I was told it is important to forgive the person for hurting you, but I'm not sure It's something I'm able to do. The relationship was far from perfect and I'm not sure if I can forgive her for other things she has done to me during our time together. Is forgiveness the final stage that I should be aiming for? I'm not so sure it is needed for me to say that I'm over her. It shows a degree of maturity, but I find it hard to forgive somebody when they betray you.
lauri Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 (edited) Hey Raka, I really appreciate your feedback. Although I'm not completely over the fact that I was betrayed, it is comforting to hear that it does help you move on and get back out there. I'm sorry that you had to go through that, nobody ever thinks they will be cheated on and it is a slap in the face. I feel like I was never valued by my ex for her to do that to me. I have taken the high road and haven't lashed out, they say the best revenge is a life well lived, and that's what I plan on doing. I'm trying to keep my mind off it, but i feel there is times i need to work through the pain to gather some clarity. I've been very confused about what I'm feeling, and that is the hardest part. My emotions are finally starting to cool down and I can now rationalise why it happened. I was hopeless for about week and just couldn't keep my chin up. I still have work to do, but I think in a couple weeks I will have put this past me and I'll be back on track. I was told it is important to forgive the person for hurting you, but I'm not sure It's something I'm able to do. The relationship was far from perfect and I'm not sure if I can forgive her for other things she has done to me during our time together. Is forgiveness the final stage that I should be aiming for? I'm not so sure it is needed for me to say that I'm over her. It shows a degree of maturity, but I find it hard to forgive somebody when they betray you. Good question, I was thinking the same thing myself for everything that happened to me. In the end, I ended up forgiving my ex to MYSELF and will never forgive her to her face. My ex didn't deserve to have that type of closure and satisfaction, but I did it for myself because I don't want to allow myself to have any emotions towards her anymore. It helped me feel better because in my mind I'm thanking her for showing me who she truly is and gonna look at this more as relief that she is no longer in my life. She doesn't deserve a guy with class and respect like I have. If she is this type of person, its better you find it now rather then later. You can learn from your mistakes and learn how to hold onto someone who is truly amazing and enhances your life in the future. I still think of my ex and it still hurts, but in the end I am going to keep reminding myself that this was a good experience, I learned something new and the only thing I can do is improve myself a lot more. Edited September 26, 2013 by lauri
rakasan Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 Like you said, right now your emotions are still on a rollercoaster. There will be some moments you will feel fine, others where you will suddenly start crying uncontrollably, others where you want to punch something because of how angry and hurt you are. It is a process. I personally am just starting to come off the rollercoaster and am working towards acceptance. I have accepted that he hurt me. I have accepted that it is over for good. I have accepted that we will move on. For me, it was easier to accept the situation after I had forgiven him. But that came long after all the nights crying and angry venting. Talk to your close friends. Ask them their honest opinion. Think out loud. Be honest with yourself and your feelings. Believe me, things will start to look up. And maybe in time when all the pain and anger has left, you will be able to forgive her. But for now, letting your emotions settle and working through them is what is most important. ps. I wasn't cheated on. We got into a huge fight with some ugly verbal abuse and some physicality (yikes!). He ended up kicking me out of his apartment, leaving me to carry all my stuff home with no car or means of transportation. Never knew he could do that to me. Still stings, but like I said acceptance is the end game.
Author polger Posted October 5, 2013 Author Posted October 5, 2013 Just like to say thank you all for the advice, i'm beginning to come to terms with it and I'm starting to feel like myself again. It's definitely put her back in the forefront of my mind, but I'm to cut those thoughts. Today, I had a lot of fun and realized that this whole thing has been a blessing in disguise. Love to you all!
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