stig Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 OK so where to start? Well, it all started about 4 years ago. I met her at college, and was pretty attracted to her at first, but wasn't really sure, so we just ended up friends more like acquaintances really. About 3 years later our friendship started to evolve. It wasn't intentional, but at some point during one of our midnight sessions with her teaching me classic guitar something clicked. Those moments when our hands would overlap as she taught me a cord, the moments when we would stare into each others eyes effectively saying everything, without speaking a single word. It had begun. We spent the next year, well honestly I don't want to bring all these memories back right now, but let's just say it was a good year. So good that at the end of the year I decided to propose to her before we both graduated and floated away. When the time came before I would propose she started avoiding me. I though she had no clue, but she later told me that she had a feeling about exactly what I had in mind, and didn't want anything to change so she was just running. I pretty much gathered from her that she wanted to just go back to being friends, and that was it. I needed space. Didn't get into it anymore, just booked a ticket for California, ran out there and couched it at my friends place for a couple weeks, then decided I couldn't just drink away or run away from my problems so I went back to college. (this is med school by the way so our school year goes on QUITE A BIT longer we're still taking final year finals now in september) So I get back, and right away she's up my tail calling me all the time, and stuff. When she asked me why anything had to change one night (I know but it was just a meeting in the park) I told her I at least deserved to know why. She couldn't bring herself to say it, but told me to guess and promised to answer honestly. So I did, "Is there someone else?" Turns out there's a boyfriend she's been with for 5 years living not to far from the university. I honestly didn't know how to, what to think. I actually threw up at that moment right in front of her. So fast forward a little, it's now like 4:30 in the morning and were still sitting on this bench talking. We agree we'll still be friends, and she makes extra effort to make sure that I mean that, and we each go home our separate ways. Over the next couple months we tried at first to stay friends, sometimes she didn't make it easy, sometimes I didn't make it easy, but all it ended up as was us saying awkward hi's whenever we ran into each other. When suddenly one day after just having seen her after a lecture, I'm in my car and get a text from her about how she doesn't know why she lost a friend... and she wants to fix it... and ..... I answered her by text but it was getting too much for text so I told her lets meet and talk in person. Ok we worked out what was going wrong with the friendship, and spent 2 hours talking in circles about it and at the end of every circle were the words just friends. She asked me about 50 times if I was "sure it was ok and wanted to be friends, just friends" with her. I obliged repeatedly, but that day when we reached her place I looked in her eyes and saw that she wanted to say something. I told her "please say what you want, I can see in your eyes that you are not done talking" but she said no there was nothing else. About 30 minutes later she sent me another text. This was a long one and she brought up that she really didn't want to lose a friend, and ...., and from the bottom of her heart she wanted it to work, and ... (talk about mixed signals) So the next day after our morning lecture and rounds we met again, and she again denied that there was anything left to talk about, but was happy we were friends. I, confused at the time, asked would she leave the other guy for me, and she told me that would be betrayal (NO COMMENT) and that I deserved better anyway. So what ensued, we stayed friends. But, well. Almost as if in programmed cycles for the past 2 months she has been going 2 weeks with 2-3 phone calls a day + messages, at the end of which she starts to treat me like I did something wrong for no reason. Then 2 weeks no contact. Then the same on and off and on and off. Oh and by the way I was giving her, her sister, and some guy we go to school with rides home from a party last week, when he brings up that she had asked him for help finding an apartment for her and her boyfriend, and... I went quiet and kept driving. about 5 minutes later she asks me whats wrong, and why I'm being so quiet, I said nothing I'm just tired. Next day I had to stop by her place to copy some notes, she was kind of strange, and then when I leave I get a text asking me what was wrong, and why I wasn't being myself since that night before. She said she would call me when I got home to find out, but texted her I was fine, and she insisted, but I again just texted her back that I was fine and not to worry about it. (sercret: I was not) Anyway she didn't call, and things have gone on the same. Were actually in a no contact phase now. What does she want from me!!!!!??????????!!!!!!! Even If she wants a friendship cool, but this isn't a normal friendship. I don't go manic calling friends like crazy for 2 weeks (more than she even called me when we were together) and then silent for 2 weeks. Also honestly it hurts. Every 2 weeks I get the feeling as if I got her back, then bam 2 weeks later like I lost her again.
Author stig Posted September 26, 2013 Author Posted September 26, 2013 wow sorry didn't realize I wrote that much, I was trying to be concise too. If you read it all please give me you'r opinion/advice
reddragon588 Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 You didn't make it clear... were you ever anything more than friends? Were you ever officially together?
Author stig Posted September 26, 2013 Author Posted September 26, 2013 that's the thing. we were hooking up and stuff, and everyone at our university pretty much knew from us being lovey dovey and stuff, but she specifically wanted to avoid the term official. I guess I understand why now.
denxnis Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 A girl in a 4-5 year relationship was fooling around with you for 1 year while with another guy? If I were in your shoes I'd probably inform her boyfriend and never talk to her again; what kind of person does that? Disgusting... 3
Author stig Posted September 26, 2013 Author Posted September 26, 2013 I don't know her boyfriend. Only a couple of her friends know him. He is sheltered completely. I don't know I would tell him anyway. It was more than just fooling around I mean, idk. Anyway I don't even know what else to do. After the first time she gave me 2 weeks no contact, I said ok no contact. I haven't initiated contact since, but it doesn't stop her from calling me 2-3 times a day and texting at 1am
StrongLass Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 everyone at our university pretty much knew from us being lovey dovey and stuff, but she specifically wanted to avoid the term official. That usually means either that they're a cheater or there's some sort of 'open' relationship going on where you're not number one. I am so sorry that sucks that she was willing to string you along that way for so long, but you are partly at fault for getting caught up in your feelings rather than paying more attention to her behavior/attitude toward your relationship. I guarantee there were at least a couple signs that she was spoken for that you missed. Nobody can date someone seriously for 5 years without traces of the attachment popping up somewhere at some point over the course of a year. Next time ask direct questions so that your heart can be spared. 1
Author stig Posted September 26, 2013 Author Posted September 26, 2013 (edited) There were a couple signs, but she did a pretty good job at hiding it. This bf lives like an hour away and nobody knew about him then. Even now shes still not very open about it. You are right though there were signs, I just chose to ignore them, to not believe. She was something special for me, I've even met other girls after this, but they just don't compare. btw all our mutual friends were equally clueless about this guy. A few them actually cut her off themselves after this business came out. I'm wondering what does she want from me now?? Does she really just want a friend? Then why this odd on and off business? I've never heard of friends being on and off. Edited September 26, 2013 by stig
StrongLass Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 You are right though there were signs, I just chose to ignore them, to not believe. She was something special for me, I've even met other girls after this, but they just don't compare. You've got her on a pedestal still, over time though as you come to accept the reality of your situation that should diminish. Remember her flaws (you KNOW she had some, doesn't matter how "special" she was) and also remember that you're NOT a priority to her, just a casual option. Start treating her in a way that keeps that in mind (think acquaintance). btw all our mutual friends were equally clueless about this guy. A few them actually cut her off themselves after this business came out. I would hope so, she wasn't very considerate of you. I'm wondering what does she want from me now?? Could be something as simple as an ego stroke, ultimately it doesn't matter for you though. You need to heal without her clouding things up for you. Does she really just want a friend? She might but if I were you I'd doubt it. Then why this odd on and off business? I've never heard of friends being on and off. Life is messy, awkwardness happens, people do selfish things & hurt each other. What really matters now is not what she wants but what YOU want.
Chi townD Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 Dude, you are not her friend and you can't be her friend while you still have romantic feelings towards her. I mean, you were literally hours; days away from asking her to be your wife and now she wants to downgrade you to nothing more than a friend? And lets not forget that she was cheating on her boyfriend of 5 years with you! Not exactly a trustworthy person if you ask me. 3
cavalier99 Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 Dude stop being an idiot and cut this ho loose! Cav 1
Johnsmith100 Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 It's so much easier for people to look in and wonder why you're feeling like this. I've had a girl on a pedastal for 10 years now since school. We've been best friends and spoken non stop for the past 8 months whilst having an affair after her boyfriend of 7 years cheated on her. They've now split up and she's decided she wants to be single. My phone has stopped ringing and it's such a void in my life. She can't understand how we can't be friends but it's impossible because I'll never get over her. I feel for you bro...maybe we both should have a go at cutting them off together.
OnlyHonesty Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 I have no idea why guys allow so much drama into their lives from women, there are so much more better things to be doing with life. So you have a girl who has a boyfriend already and you are her seconds, her little bit on the side, she is using you and she is cheating. Assuming you had sex then you are placing your health at risk and yet you still want to be friends? If I were you, I would forget about girls and work on yourself, self esteem, self respect, morals, control and learn not to accept such behaviour. If a woman was interested in me and I found out she had a boyfriend, she'd never hear from me again period. I see a lot of forum posts where guys are chasing after unsavory women, allowing them to use them and everyone else and still going back for more. Absolutely amazing. I have a feeling that it won't matter what any of us say here because I think you will just go back for more. However, perhaps our responses and your lesson, although unlikely to be learned by yourself, could perhaps help someone else who is ready to learn the lesson.
lauri Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 I have no idea why guys allow so much drama into their lives from women, there are so much more better things to be doing with life. So you have a girl who has a boyfriend already and you are her seconds, her little bit on the side, she is using you and she is cheating. Assuming you had sex then you are placing your health at risk and yet you still want to be friends? If I were you, I would forget about girls and work on yourself, self esteem, self respect, morals, control and learn not to accept such behaviour. If a woman was interested in me and I found out she had a boyfriend, she'd never hear from me again period. I see a lot of forum posts where guys are chasing after unsavory women, allowing them to use them and everyone else and still going back for more. Absolutely amazing. I have a feeling that it won't matter what any of us say here because I think you will just go back for more. However, perhaps our responses and your lesson, although unlikely to be learned by yourself, could perhaps help someone else who is ready to learn the lesson. I never, ever, ever go for a girl who is taken. Its my principle. Seriously, respect to you for that, a lot of guys aren't like this. Focus your time on women who are WORTH your time - who are married material. 1
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