h2man Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 I hear all these things you re supposed to do after breaking up - go out and distract yourself, hang out with your friends, etc., but what if I just feel like doing nothing and being depressed - I think it's like mourning... I know that my life will be significantly different now - I have lost a chance I will never have again that would have changed my life, and I don't see any reason I shouldn't mourn the loss of 'my life' as it might have been...
Mr Scorpio Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 I say give yourself a week of mourning. Meet your work/school commitments and spend the rest of your time on you. Do what you want. Stay in bed with the blinds shut. Do it without feeling guilty for a week, and then check back in. 4
RiceaRoni Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 I think it's fine to mourn for a bit.. I also think it's necessary. You need to feel the sadness instead of covering it up, so yes, mourn But, don't mope and mourn, and wallow in self pity forever. Give yourself a set time to mourn and then continue on with your life and trying to make yourself happier and better. Also, while you mourn don't forget your duties as well (school, work, etc) you can't have those go down the drain. Just a suggestion, When you mourn...try to do it at different time intervals..like an exercise.. Maybe one day give yourself and hour to mourn, and then get up and do an activity to get your mind off things, when you're finished with the activity lessen the time to maybe 45 mins of mourning. 4
love1336x Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 Yes. It is okay to mourn, be sad, cry and simply not want to do anything. it's part of healing, the only problem that comes with that is being stuck! Some people can be stuck for years, and that's sad because life is so... beautiful. 1
gaius Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 Breaking up really is a lot like having a loved one die. That connection is ripped away from you. So it makes sense to mourn in the same way. Ulysses S Grant would occasionally go off by himself after a tough battle and weep but would always have himself together and ready to go the next morning. That always struck me as a very healthy way to deal with loss. 4
AnyaNova Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 I think it is important to. The trick is to balance it, so that you don't end up spending too much time obsessing and pining over it. But if this is recent, and it sounds like it is, then you are nowhere near that point. Take care of your responsibilities, spend some time every day grieving and make sure that you spend some time everyday doing things that you enjoy (even, if it takes quite awhile for you to actually be able to enjoy them). One of the best tips I ever read, though, was to force yourself to cry about it for 30 minutes every day. If you do it in the morning, before work or class, or whatever your current station, than not only will the below main effect work, but you will also have more emotional control while at work or school. I am terrible at actually doing that, but the idea is, is that very quickly, your brain will get very bored of crying over fantasies of you and your lost love, and it will start thinking about laundry, or the weather, and after awhile, the whole failed relationship will lose the emotional potency that it has for you now. Take care of yourself. Post here when you need it. Especially in the "post here instead of" No Contact is a beautiful thing (and has nothing to do with getting your ex back), and when necessary, if you start to feel the impossible urge to, post a "help I'm thinking about texting, facebook messaging, calling, etc... message" so that calmer, wiser people can talk you down off of that ledge. *offering a nod of thanks to the many calmer wiser souls who have repeatedly talked me down off that ledge*. It hurts. I know. I am sorry. 3
marlina345 Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 i think its ok to mourn but only for a while don't let it take over you. i feel your pain. things get better with time good luck and wish you the best. 1
todreaminblue Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 (edited) have you ever tried to fight depression? its quite easy to say what to do ....harder to do it....... accept your depression is what i was taught in group..........if you dont want to go out dont go..... this is what i dont get..... if somebody who wasnt depressed said to someone a friend for example.... hey i really dont feel like going out today im feelin really lazy .....that friend woudl reply ok cool we willl catch up later then hey see you soon...it would be accepted evne though they were actually indulging in laziness and apathy if someone is depressed and they say hey i dont feel too good today, feeling depressed think ill lie in bed, i dont feel like going out......you dont get that same cheery acceptance even though depression is actually an illness not a choice we make nor can you put time limits on it....seeing a doctor yeah you have to time limit that once depressed i have to make a distinction here though mourning someone i feel happens naturally when you love them mourning the loss of something that was important to you is no less important..... grief is what you feel that makes you mourn......the grief you feel when breaking up with someone is three fold.......one you grieve for the person who will not be integral to your life any more.....two you grieve for what the relationship meant to you.......then number three you grieve for what might have been the relationship had you stayed together.... grief mourning and overwhelming sadness are not illnesses nor are they depression you do need to take time to mourn.....you dont want to go out.... so..... dont go out....take what time you need....only you know what is enough and when that will be... with whatever you feel, sadness grief these things have to happen fro you to actually move on...if they dont you arent dealing with it at all....or you have no heart.... theres a reason you feel it you have a heart and hearts can need time to heal they get broken....so superglue yourself to the bed and do what you have to do....accept that reason you are grieving allow yourself to do exactly that.......and then you can move on..deb Edited September 26, 2013 by todreaminblue 2
Author h2man Posted September 26, 2013 Author Posted September 26, 2013 Thanks everyone I like the idea of giving my self an hour a day to curl up on the bed It feels good to know I have a right to mourn the loss of a path in my life that I will never be able to go down... I know I will meet other people, but it would never lead the same place as this would - I'm not saying it wouldn't be as good (...or hopefully better just different Sometimes it amazes me how the simplest thing can change your life so drastically... I often wish that it would happen in a positive way (like winning the lottery, for example) instead of losing a lover...
ruby77 Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 This is how I feel at the moment, feel like all I can do is mourn and wait until it passes. How long does everyone think is acceptable to feel like this though? Think I'm a bit stuck in it! 1
keepontruckin Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 Yes, it is acceptable to feel what you are feeling. The sadness, the anger, the self doubt, the blow to your self esteem... The "I'll never meet anyone else like her" thoughts... And on top of that the constant focus on our own bad qualities... It is tough. "If only I had done this, if only I had a chance to do that..." Anyone whom doesn't feel these emotions probably wasn't really in love in the first place... Remember this... Good marriages go bad, and bad marriages go good. The important thing to remember is, is that happiness comes from within yourself... Also know that time can cure almost anything... It's been over five months since my wife left, and about one month since I got my azz served with the divorce docs... It gets easier with time. Eventually you will question yourself as to would you even want her back? 1
Author h2man Posted September 26, 2013 Author Posted September 26, 2013 The important thing to remember is, is that happiness comes from within yourself... That's the main thing I've learnt from all this... Thanks
ruby77 Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 That's the main thing I've learnt from all this... Thanks This is true. I don't know about you but I am struggling to find it from within. I think to get over it, you need to be happy on your own and in your own company and I am just not. Maybe that will come in time. 1
mtnbiker3000 Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 This is true. I don't know about you but I am struggling to find it from within. I think to get over it, you need to be happy on your own and in your own company and I am just not. Maybe that will come in time. Yes, this is not always an easy task. I am struggling with this now as well. Therapy has been a HUGE help in allowing me to discover why I look for it in others and can't/won't find it in myself. Much easier to say than to truly do. It takes work. 1
Mr Scorpio Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 How long does everyone think is acceptable to feel like this though? Think I'm a bit stuck in it! There is no bright-line rule. I've heard six-months for every one-year of the relationship. I've heard one-month regardless of the duration of the relationship. I believe that most people dip in-and-out of grief. There will be good days amongst bad months. Then, there will be bad days amongst good months. You might run into a trigger that reminds you of your ex: a song, a scent, a movie, it could be anything. 1
lovelylilly Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 Maybe one day give yourself and hour to mourn, and then get up and do an activity to get your mind off things, when you're finished with the activity lessen the time to maybe 45 mins of mourning. I agree with this, it's what I have been doing. If I feel like being sad and just laying in bed and watch TV, I do it. But I also force myself to stay in my regular routine. I made myself work the next day (big mistake because I'm a professor and ended up crying in the hallway in front of some of my students--very embarrassing ) I also made myself go to the gym and hang out with my friends and force myself to take it one day at a time. It's almost been three weeks, and I feel like this is the hardest week, but hey...I haven't cried in almost four days! Everyone is different and heals differently. Just do what makes you feel happy....as long as it's not contacting your ex . 2
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