GreatGuy22 Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 I have been dating this girl for 2 years, and I love her to death. We just recently graduated college where we met, she pursued me and I finally let her in and found an amazing relationship. Recently she has talked about how sometimes she wishes she was single. She's not the type to hook up, a big reason I let her into my life was that she's not the type to be promiscuous and have one night stands, I truly trust her. So yea she recently said she wishes she was single because she's gone from one relationship to another since high school, and she wishes she could just be herself by herself. Her words were, "I love you, you're the perfect boyfriend, I just wish we met 6 months later so I had the time to be myself for awhile after my previous relationship." I had to live with her and her father for a month until I moved into my apartment and that situation was so obviously terrible but entirely necessary because I was working and taking classes by her house with nowhere else to stay. Now that I'm in my own place, I thought she would break up with me, and I gave her that option and told her if that's what she needs then she should do it. It's been a week and she still hasn't, she only wants to see me and be invited over to my place, which I don't understand. The other night we were talking and conversation lead to me having to finally say I love you and you need to make your mind up on this. She doesn't want to take a break, so I told her she needs to settle her emotional issues with me so we can move forward, or she needs to move on from me. This made her cry and I had to console her. She said she knows all of this but she fears losing me, and i told her that it hurts me too but she cant keep stringing me along on this emotional roller coaster because it's too much for both of us. Since then she's happy when I'm around and upset and awkward the days we don't see each other. She's always making plans in the future for things she wants to do in my apartment or dinner dates, but I'm still so confused because she's still so obviously emotionally confused and conflicted. I'm trying to give her space and only be cheerful when she contacts me/hangs out and not go out of my way to contact her. I just don't know what to do or think anymore because this has been a very emotionally taxing last month for the both of us and she still clearly doesn't know what she wants. Any advice?
CptSaveAho Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 She told you what she wants and needs.... give it to her Let her be single Read this thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass-greener-syndrome But don't talk about it to her... this is her and its going to suck balls for you but you have to do it
Author GreatGuy22 Posted September 26, 2013 Author Posted September 26, 2013 Thank you for the tip. I have done this and she still isn't acting on it, this is why it is so confusing for me. I told her if she needs to break up she should do it... And she still hasnt. What else am I supposed to do?
CptSaveAho Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 (edited) You need to be the man and break up with her... Im not going to sugar coat it, its going to suck monkey balls for a LONG time You don't want to know/see what is going to happen if you don't break up with her (you don't want to go down with the ship) There are some helpful tips written by the op... Settle all your business and zoom into No Contact Asap (this is for you) She's probably going to contact you several times throughout the years... Ignore her or be an ******* to her (I prefer the ignore route) Focus on your life and moving forward This breakup that you are going to have to do is no reflection of who you are as a person... she has to go through this and will take you down with her if you don't break up with her (I've gone down with the ship before... it was pure hell) Get rid of social media... all of it... Live outside the box Edited September 26, 2013 by CptSaveAho
Author GreatGuy22 Posted September 26, 2013 Author Posted September 26, 2013 So what happened to you exactly when you went down with that ship? Just curious
CptSaveAho Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 she cheated to make me break up with her
Author GreatGuy22 Posted September 26, 2013 Author Posted September 26, 2013 Oh well if she did that then I wouldn't care anyway anymore haha
crederer Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 Oh christ man....been there. She wants to see what else is out there. It's incredibly disrespectful to you, assuming you treated her well. There's nothing you can do about it. If you fight it, she'll just cheat. I know you dont want to hear this but let her go. Don't ever take her back because if you treated her right, she is a selfish person that will always screw you over for her own benefit. The grass is always greener on the other side, and when she realizes it (which she will, eventually, whether a month, year or 10 years) you'll find a girl that appreciates you for what you offer before then. Good luck man, I feel for you.
CptSaveAho Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 You say that now... but reality is it doesnt work like that... you can mask the pain in denial for 5-6 months but you eventually have to face it Your girlfriend is giving you the opportunity to break up with her cleanly... I suggest you do it 1
Author GreatGuy22 Posted September 26, 2013 Author Posted September 26, 2013 Yea that's a good point. I'm not denying that that would obviously suck, but if someone ever did cheat on me I will always move on from that because there is no reconciliation at that point so why bother. K, I suppose I should let her go. I want her to be the one who initiates the break up, it makes sense to me, makes her realize that SHE let it go, but if I have to do it this way I will. I want to be happy with her so badly because our relationship has been so incredible. If I do this what will I have to do in order to properly let her back into my life if/when she realizes her emotions are stupid and she's giving up something great?
Author GreatGuy22 Posted September 26, 2013 Author Posted September 26, 2013 Also, how does no contact work if I break up with HER. Totally changes the dynamic doesn't it?
CptSaveAho Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 (edited) ignore her or be a complete ******* to her... both work the problem is you dont know when if she will ever wake up from being a total retard (GIGS)... I've heard about people getting a clue within a year... there was one girl on this forum that did but she is the RARE exception to the rule... with social media nowadays and ways for people to escape and not face themselves... it can and usually does take YEARS for them to get a hint the reality is some people dont get a clue (figure it out), they ruin their lives with drugs, duis, marriages, kids, jail time, debt, etc No contact is for you not her... stop looking at it from a dynamical standpoint, shes going to try to use it as a weapon against you. The point of no contact is for you to move forward, accept that the relationship is over and a tool to assist in disconnecting emotionally... I would do it forever Edited September 26, 2013 by CptSaveAho
crederer Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 NC is NC in any scenario. it works to get ex's wanting you back but it should not be used if that is your primary objective. It is meant for YOUR healing (by-product of which makes you attractive to the ex) However, according to what you say, it certainly should not be used to getting the ex back because she sounds like a twat 1
Author GreatGuy22 Posted September 26, 2013 Author Posted September 26, 2013 Thanks for the help guys. This is pretty stupid on her part. I know she can't actually enjoy single life, she was always the one nagging me to spend more time with her in our relationship, and she even admitted she doesn't like doing what she called single people things(hooking up randomly, all that stuff). What if she snaps out of it quickly after I break it off with her? For the record I'm not being hopeful and trying to console myself, I really mean all of this about her...
Author GreatGuy22 Posted September 26, 2013 Author Posted September 26, 2013 And I'd like to hear of anyone else thinks I should do anything else differently, and why. Thank youuu!
CptSaveAho Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 Ignore her... move forward... Want to see it in real life... look in the media... Miley Cyrus is the poster child of GIGS right now.... past ones were Lindsay Lohan (still in it and been in it for YEARS) Britney Spears (done with it but ruined... kids/ex husband) no one with half a brain would marry her... Rihanna (still in it)... They're all morons and once they "get it" its too late 1
Author GreatGuy22 Posted September 26, 2013 Author Posted September 26, 2013 Wait so you're saying she is gonna go off and be insane like that now? I know what she wants and she wants to have more fun with her friends which she disconnected from herself cuz she always wanted to spend too much time with and I've given her that ever since she brought it up as an issue. If my girlfriend is gonna do that then once again I really don't care I'd be done with it. But if she just literally is telling the truth and needs space to sort this out in her head then I need to know what to do, cuz honestly I agreed with you that breaking it off is what's best but now I think you're convinced she's about to go through her 20's life crisis not take a break from a relationship solely to NOT be in a relationship
CptSaveAho Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 Just break up with her...she's begging you to. The reason why doesn't matter 1
emva07 Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 And I'd like to hear of anyone else thinks I should do anything else differently, and why. Thank youuu! Nope....what Crederer and CptSavAho said.
heartshaped Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 I was her four years ago. Sometimes GIGs isn't about knowing or finding out what else is out there. Sometimes it's just about finding out who you are and your growth as a person. I was in relationships consecutively from high school until after college. It's suffocating after a while even when you're with a great guy in an amazing relationship. People need time as single adults to grow and mature. I had to learn to be me before I could be half of a couple if that makes sense. Now that I'm older I see a lot of my friends who married young or have been with the same person since he/she was a teenager struggling with their identities. Only thing is to let her go. Sometimes it's enough just to be alone for a few months, sometimes it's years, etc. 2
colombiana28 Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 people always talk about people with "GIGS" and act like they're going to go off, ruin their life, and regret ever letting go of that relationship they bailed on. i was in this EXACT same situation 3 years ago, loved my first boyfriend but felt truly unhappy and suffocated because i'd never had a chance to live my life as a single gal. well, one day i worked up the nerve to break it off with him. it was awful, he begged, he went through anger, he let me know that i'd regret it one day. but you know...3 years later i'm happier than ever and SO happy i pulled the plug on my first relationship. since then I've been able to date different guys and have a MUCH clearer picture of what i deserve in a relationship and what kind of guy i want to spend the rest of my life with...and i realize that my first love, as great as he was, had many qualities that would have made me deeply unhappy in the long run. *shrug* sometimes you truly have to find yourself outside of a R, ESPECIALLY if one is in their late teens/early twenties. 3
Author GreatGuy22 Posted October 28, 2013 Author Posted October 28, 2013 Hey guys! Thanks for all of the realistic and supportive comments! I appreciate all of them, no matter how hard they were to hear at the time. So we ended up splitting up, obviously! haha. Today was one month since the big break up. Through that time, I feel much better. It has been very hard, but I've enjoyed spending time with my friends, and focusing on school and work, and myself. After the break up, she was devastated. I was too, but she showed it, and I didn't. I acted as if I was fine with everything, which was good for me because it convinced me I was. I've been seeing other people recently too, which always makes things easier than sitting around on my butt pining over her. So after the break up, she would text me everyday, mostly asking if I got this job I applied to, and also we would talk about our situation, and have other small talk. This lasted for four or 5 days(I never reached out to her, she was always the one who would reach out to me.) until I finally told her I couldn't do this to myself anymore and I needed to stop communicating with her so I could heal from this whole situation. So basically 3 weeks of NC ended up happening, for the most part. One night two weekends ago had an alumni event at a bar in Boston. Everyone I knew from school was there, including her and all of her friends. I thought it was right of me to not be awkward about the whole situation, and when I walked by her going back to the bar for a drink, we passed by and we stopped, we hugged and I gave her the ol' "Hey how are you? So good to see you! Hope you're doing well! Welp, I've gotta go get a refill." It was a short and sweet conversation we had, she had her hand on my arm the whole time and had this look on her face like she was just glad to see I was still alive or something, haha. I continued on with the night by having a great time and dancing with one of my good girl friends from school on the dance floor. During that time she stood in the corner and had a long in depth conversation with one of my best friends. Apparently, (after everything thats happened, see the initial post if you're lost/if you care), she told him she still wants me and loves me, but she just needs time. Also, she thought I was completely ok with everything and happy about the split, and my friend told her NO he's actually been very upset, and he really misses you and wants you too. This threw her for a huge loop and she was so confused cuz she thought I was doing fine. So today is a month since the split, and she texted me this evening asking if I wanted to meet up so we could talk. YIKES, I'm very nervous, it's only been a week or so since she told my friend she still needs time. A week isn't enough time to realize she wants to get back together, right? I'm just very scared for this meet up, I don't know what to expect because it seems like such a quick turn around. I responded to her after a little while and told her I was busy with midterms the next couple of days but I could meet up Tuesday after work. She said ok just let her know. What do I do now? What should I expect? I'm so nervous for this meet up, I've made so much progress and I feel so much better than where I was month ago, I don't want to lose this progress, but for all I know she could tell me she realized she messed up and misses me. A little help, support, and realistic perspective would be nice.
todreaminblue Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 (edited) And I'd like to hear of anyone else thinks I should do anything else differently, and why. Thank youuu! you want something different ill give it to you...... be careful on what advice you take to heart what you listen to and who you listen to, there are a lot of hurt people on this board..... hurt .....and distrustful....... rightfully so they have been smashed raw..... all seeking help and guidance themselves....... seeking answers to their own problems and some coem to help others for the pure love of helping...i am hoenstly pretty messed up myself.....ill give it a shot one thing i do know no one person is sure all the time they are doing the right thing..we are imperfect .....brain wsie heart wise we cna be fickle and undecided or the opposite stubborn.......it doesnt have to be gigs could be hormonal could be anything, that has put doubt in her head..........you have to take risks in love sometimes you get hurt and there is nothing you can do about it...its a leap of faith...how far you leap depends entirely on you......and if that leap is worth it...who doesnt hope that it will always be worth it...there are no parachutes offered when you hit the red button....you just have to jump anyway. dont jump if someone tells you to ...dont not jump because someone doesnt want you to jump....jump because it is your choice your life your landing.....and that jump you have to live with ...no one else does but you and your intended..follow your heart and if you fail .have no regrets for being true to your heart... in my messed up opinion...take a risk it will be ok for you...love is a roller coaster take the good with the bad and hope for the best(brign a bucket if you need to)....that is try for.......no derailing...throwing up is ok if you only do it not upside down.........from me with two major derailments still kicking and willing to ride again ......with a seat belt at 7km an hour...smilin...good luck.....deb Edited October 28, 2013 by todreaminblue 4
Author GreatGuy22 Posted October 28, 2013 Author Posted October 28, 2013 thanks deb! I already know I want to take the leap of faith on this for sure. I really appreciate that comment, it made me realize for sure I want to see her again and see what will happen of us, whether I get hurt or not. I guess I just want to see what everyone on here has to say about it, because it will let me imagine and prepare for the realm of possibilities that could occur as best as I can. So I'm taking this leap of faith, but it's scary as hell because I could go right back to square one, and I've spent a month already working myself to this good state of mind. 1
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