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How important is intellectual stimulation in a relationship?


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Posted

hey guys. my first post here, might be a little long :p

 

i'm 20 and my bf is 22. we've been together for over a year and a half, and have lived together for a year. we havent dated too much prior to our relationship, and we're each other's first serious s/o.

 

we get a long well and we treat each other with respect. we're like best friends, and we act very silly and playful with each other most of the time. but sometimes i feel like when it actually comes to having like a good conversation, or talking about current events, he doesnt really have much to say. it's not just with me, i've noticed he's the same with his group of friends. whenever his friends are over, i talk 90% more than he does with them , and sometimes he'll even just go back to his video games while his friends are just chilling on the couch. i personally would feel rude to do that to my own friends, whom i invited over. he's not exactly a shy person, but i'm not sure what it is.

 

i especially talk a lot with his best friend when he hangs out... him and i strangely have so much in common with and not only can we carry on a great conversation, we tend to agree on a lot of things. to be honest, i think there'd be something between his best friend and i if i wasnt dating my bf. but like i dont plan to cheat nor do i fantasize about being with him. sometimes i just wish i could connect with my bf the way i do with his best friend in terms of conversation and being aware with what's going on in the world. my bf spends most of his time playing world of warcraft, or watching porn. i cant really say what else his interests are besides hoping to become a millionaire investor some day, and as much as i try to be supportive, i feel like he's really more appealed by the idea than actually becoming one

 

i know in relationships like this, where there isnt a strong intellectual compatibility, often times it's compensated by other skills, like a man with stronger practical skills. but even with practicality, i find that my bf is really clumsy and careless esp at home. breaks a lot of things, leaves things/garbage where he uses them... . financially, we split on most things so even if i was living on my own, i'd still be able to support myself. despite it all, i know he's a kind person and he means well. but i find it annoying when i have to like, teach him to do things, like im his mom.

 

i find immaturity in his sense of humor, the way he takes care of himself, most of his interests, but i've grown to really care for him and he really cares for me. are these things i can wait out and just eventually accept and come to terms with?

Posted

I can answer a few things since I don't have much time.

 

 

The whole friends over while playing video games is the difference between men and womensshowing up. Guys don't have to entertain each other.

 

 

Also, it sounds like you are trying to poke holes into your relationship ? Accept him as he is, or have conversations with him about the things you don't like ? NOT nagging and NOT ultimatums .

 

 

But I personally believe Intellectual conversations are important, but only because I myself am a bit of a geeky / nerdy type.

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Posted
I can answer a few things since I don't have much time.

 

 

The whole friends over while playing video games is the difference between men and womensshowing up. Guys don't have to entertain each other.

 

 

Also, it sounds like you are trying to poke holes into your relationship ? Accept him as he is, or have conversations with him about the things you don't like ? NOT nagging and NOT ultimatums .

 

 

But I personally believe Intellectual conversations are important, but only because I myself am a bit of a geeky / nerdy type.

 

i'm not saying that he has to entertain his friends or act like a host but what's the point of inviting your buds over if you're gonna be antisocial and not be involved with them, you know? and it's not like his buds are quiet like my bf, they joke a lot or talk about all sorts of random stuff. i personally find that they're fun to be around. i guess my other problem is, is how sucked in he is into world of warcraft. his idea of me spending time with him has become me watching him play the game

Posted

its funny because my mum and i were talking about this today ....i have to be stimulated if I don't have mental and even physical stimulation i go a bit nuts.....

 

but everybody does .......

as far as partners go if they have common passions and interests that is the intellectual stimulation i need what also stimulates me is learning new passions and interests........exploring i am not really set with what i like or dont like i can learn.....and if i dont like it....i still like to watch people get excited about what they love...lol......i have an interest in people in general so i enjoy listening except when its about killing zombies .....thats like chinese water torture and i develop an eye tic when xbox or playstation 3 are mentioned....my son drives me crazy with it....and the sound of automatic rifle fire........over and over and over again..i start to get really twitchy........

 

 

 

i dont actually need someone to stimulate me...(that just sounds wrong)....i can stimulate myself..(that probably sounds worse)..i entertain myself and i can hold a covnersation ...so as far as intellectual capacity goes......i think you shouldnt have to depend on anyone else to stimulate you...lol...i give up...........this is what i am hearing in my head while i write this post and every time i write stimulation.........smilin atcha...enjoy.....

 

 

 

Wa Wa Nee - Stimulation (1986) - YouTube

 

 

 

 

....deb

Posted

I'm not the typical female, but if there isn't intellectual chemistry, a relationship is not happening.

 

Intellectual chemistry feels even more amazing than physical chemistry :)

Posted

I just read the title of your post, cause the body of it was way too long.

 

But, I've met plenty of girls that were nice an all but holy hell....border line retarded (yet one has a PhD and the other is trying to be a teacher).

 

I'm not looking for a rocket scientist but for the love of god....if you're a dunce please don't become a doctor or a teacher.

Posted

Look, you're 20's years old...there's a lot to experience and live right now at this time in your life, relationships are just not going to be very fulfilling at this time in your lives...you're still growing up and finding yourselves, you don't even know what you need in yourself let alone what you need in a partner, it's not just about love either.

 

You're about done with the honeymoon phase of the relationship....sometimes conversation with someone new is exciting and different enough to be intriguing especially when you have a lot in common...and even spark romantic feelings...that's normal, it happens and he's not the first or the last guy you're going to do it with.

 

You've guys already settled into the monotonous stage of your relationship...he's pretty much focused on himself, probably using video games as a distraction to his real life issues...he sounds like he has lost himself in that world and become in some ways addicted or dependent on it. He might even be dealing with some depression or emotional feelings he's trying to ignore.

 

Guys don't always need to interact with each other, but usually they acknowledge each others presence and spend time watching or doing something together...they don't need to be talking to each other all the time or expressing their thoughts and feelings about this that and the other thing...but him going into his room and just ignoring his buddies either means he's hooked on the games or just maybe feeling a bit alienated or different with you around in the mix....a woman in general usually throws things off with which is why a lot of guys don't have them around in guy get-togethers where it's about just hanging around, speaking freely and shooting the shet.

 

People compromise and settle into relationships for a lot of reasons, and at your age you shouldn't be so eager to do that..you're likely to invest a lot into this for something that isn't going to last...but then again a lot of people feel that is part of the life lesson that was worth learning...that's up to you to decide, but honestly very little is going to change at this point...so either take it or leave it, anything else will just be a waste of your energy because your Bf has to want things to change or improve and he's likely not to make that choice for quite some time....especially with you enabling by continuing to be apart of the relationship.

 

Otherwise you're just open to emotionally attaching to another man...even though it's not "cheating"...people don't always cheat physically, and they lie to themselves about what is happening even though they know what is happening beyond their denial.

 

So too young, move on....save yourself a lot of unnecessary trouble/drama. At this point what more do you want out of this relationship for your 20's? this is the extent it typically goes...you made a best friend or whatever, people are usually happy with that you've been through things in your life together I'm sure you'll touch base in the future again and none of this would have mattered much in the big picture because you'd be more grown up and aware by then.

  • Like 1
Posted

I could see this as a potential issue going forward. Compatibility is very important. It seems you value mental stimulation. I do as well. Couldn't realistically see myself with someone I couldn't connect with.

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Posted

Age isn't a factor in this circumstance.

I have dated grown men whose humor I think is absolutely horrendous, and even though they were great guys... I could not handle being with someone who I felt smarter than.

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Posted

Unfortunately I feel smarter than most. :lmao:

Luckily I found a man who is on my exact level, somethings he knows more about, and some things I know more about. It is a great balance.

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Posted
Unfortunately I feel smarter than most. :lmao:

 

So do I. I hate it. There's no way to complain about it without coming off as elitist. :(

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Posted
So do I. I hate it. There's no way to complain about it without coming off as elitist. :(

 

:o

Believe it or not, I know exactly what you mean.

The sucky part is when you KNOW you are smarter than someone, and have to try not to come off as a total know it all, when in fact, you do sorta know it all.

It is OK though Castle, I know you will find your lady love in due time. She will BLOW YOUR MIND...

 

 

your penis too.

  • Like 1
Posted
:o

Believe it or not, I know exactly what you mean.

The sucky part is when you KNOW you are smarter than someone, and have to try not to come off as a total know it all, when in fact, you do sorta know it all.

It is OK though Castle, I know you will find your lady love in due time. She will BLOW YOUR MIND...

 

 

your penis too.

 

Hehe, thanks. Here's hoping :)

Posted
So do I. I hate it. There's no way to complain about it without coming off as elitist. :(

 

I have the same problem :(

 

I think less intelligent people have it easier in life.

  • Like 2
Posted

I need stimulus. Most people I know say I am the most intelligent person they know so apparently there are great expectations. But I mean come on....

I had to explain to my ex why astronauts float on the moon.

I'm not looking for an Einstein but I want to be able to have intellectual conversations.

  • Like 1
Posted
But I mean come on....

I had to explain to my ex why astronauts float on the moon.

 

Reminds me of two science-based dick jokes I made.

 

1.) My dick is so heavy it wouldn't float on the moon.

2.) My dick is so long it reaches the bottom of space.

 

It reaches the bottom of something that has no bottom! Come on! That's gold! That would kill at Nasa or a scientific summit of sorts. Scientists would keel over.

 

They're both thinkers, but if you understand them, are certainly funnier than "my dick is so big it has its own address" or something.

Posted

Yes it's very important to me. I have my silly goofy side but I really do need someone at the end of the day who I can hold intellectual conversations with or I just get bored.

 

I always seem to be attracted to people who have expertise in an area I don't because I want to steal the knowledge in their head like a sponge. Then again I have to have some sort of interest in that area. Bring me an expert in sports and I will be asleep within 5 minutes. :laugh:

Posted
Reminds me of two science-based dick jokes I made.

 

1.) My dick is so heavy it wouldn't float on the moon.

2.) My dick is so long it reaches the bottom of space.

 

It reaches the bottom of something that has no bottom! Come on! That's gold! That would kill at Nasa or a scientific summit of sorts. Scientists would keel over.

 

They're both thinkers, but if you understand them, are certainly funnier than "my dick is so big it has its own address" or something.

 

 

lol...how come even when the thread is about intellectual discussions between a man and a woman ...dick and size get a mention....i do find that funny...:D...............shows an intellectually based man still has proportionately more thoughts about bringing penis into the conversation at the same time he is thinking of scientists and nasa, then if that is not enough, roping them in and combining them together to make the coversation kosher...multi tasking are we....you are a humorous intellectual mr castle gotta luv that about you..thanks for the smile.......hugs..deb

  • Like 1
Posted
lol...how come even when the thread is about intellectual discussions between a man and a woman ...dick and size get a mention....i do find that funny...:D...............shows an intellectually based man still has proportionately more thoughts about bringing penis into the conversation at the same time he is thinking of scientists and nasa, then if that is not enough, roping them in and combining them together to make the coversation kosher...multi tasking are we....you are a humorous intellectual mr castle gotta luv that about you..thanks for the smile.......hugs..deb

 

Just gotta say that I luv ya Deb :love:

  • Like 2
Posted

Very important.

 

That being said, I don't see why the majority of your post was about what your guy does when his friends are around? How is that even relevant to the topic?

Posted (edited)
Very important.

 

That being said, I don't see why the majority of your post was about what your guy does when his friends are around? How is that even relevant to the topic?

 

I was about to mention this as well. What I got from the OP was more comparing her boyfriend to his best friend and how she likes his friend better.

 

i especially talk a lot with his best friend when he hangs out... him and i strangely have so much in common with and not only can we carry on a great conversation, we tend to agree on a lot of things. to be honest, i think there'd be something between his best friend and i if i wasnt dating my bf. but like i dont plan to cheat nor do i fantasize about being with him.

 

Bolded seems like a direct contradiction to me. You think about how you would probably be together with his friend if your boyfriend wasn't in the picture but then claim to not fantasize about it. Either way I think this is quite a big issue that will eat away at you over time. If you aren't compatible with your boyfriend in this regard maybe it's time to consider if this relationship is for you.

Edited by Carenth
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