youaremysunshine Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 Well I posted here recently about how I've very recently started seeing and old friend/neighbour. He's been really sweet. Anyway the hitch is he used to hang out with my ex when we were together. They weren't SUPER close and they have drifted apart. My ex some sort of grudge against him now because he doesn't hang out with the old gang at the pub 6 nights a week anymore due to school and work and creative endevors. i know my ex will be pissed when he finds out because he was mad when I mentioned even talking to him after bumping into him. My ex and I dated 3 years, lived together and remain very close friends. I don't think he wants to get back together though. We even crash at each others places he never makes any kinda move. We talk about out love lives all the time. Both have had other relationships. This new guy doesn't see what the big deal is. He says after TWO YEARS it's not inappropriate. Also he refuses to hide things between us because he feels he is doing nothing wrong, and hiding would be disrespectful to me. I don't want to lose my ex's friendship though. Should I tell him? I live in a small town with a tight knit group of friends so he WILL find out, or we will run into him.
Author youaremysunshine Posted September 26, 2013 Author Posted September 26, 2013 Also as a sub question: am I a bad person? I feel my ex and I have both moved on and he and my new interest are not really in each others lives. Is he a bad person? Does the "bro code" extend to all male acquaintances or just your besties?
steveT95 Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 He is your ex. You owe him nothing. It doesn't matter if you're still good friends. The fact is that the relationship between you both didn't work. Now, you both have opportunities to find relationships that may work. Your loyalties should now lie with the guy you are dating not an ex. No you're not a bad person and the 'bro code' is for your ex and his mate to figure, not you. You're not a bro. 3
harrybrown Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 If things get serious with the new guy,do not keep crashing at your ex s pad. You do not owe your ex anything, but tell him, if you want to keep him as a friend. I do not see you keeping the ex as a friend. Which guy do you want? Make your choice. 2
tlegend Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 If things get serious with the new guy,do not keep crashing at your ex s pad. I think you have answered your own question and are just looking for confirmation, so I will give it to you. You cannot expect old relationships to work with new ones. In some cases, you may find that a relationship will work with an ex in the picture, however, in my experience and as well as numerous others, it often brings unnecessary stress to a new relationship. I think, in this situation, you will need to choose between the two. Maybe in the future, you will be able to keep your friendship AND your partner. At this point, that doesn't not look like a possibility.
coolheadal Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 Why you have that Ex in your life still but women still like to keep them around as friends. You met a new guy work on that relationship and keep the Ex out of it. He has not business in who you date today. So you need to pull yourself together and focus on the new guy in your life. Can't have it both ways. Ex will be in your friend zone and the new guy will be your steady Eddy for now (a.k.a new boy friend). Really need to think outside the box and have a intent to know that you want things to work out with the new guy. Don't fall back into the Ex (friend zone) and don't like the Ex control you. Doesn't matter if your in a small town group! It's your life you can make it happen change the way you do things in your life.
lionoftheforum Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 New guy apparently thinks it's OK to tell your network of acquaintances/friends that you 2 are dating. I can get into why that’s a bad idea, but that’s not your question. That means it's probably going to get out. There you go, your ex will find out. The question remains, should YOU talk? I wouldn't. At least that way if fists fly it’s between those two, not you and them. If this occurs, don’t take sides. You can't save face here unless you politely request that new guy be tactful. I'm not sure why some young people think it’s a good idea to tell everyone else in their network who they are currently involved with. Let it roll, don’t push the subject.
lionoftheforum Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 My ex some sort of grudge against him now... i know my ex will be pissed when he finds out because he was mad when I mentioned even talking to him after bumping into him. ... Also he refuses to hide things between us because... hiding would be disrespectful to me. I don't want to lose my ex's friendship though. ... I live in a small town with a tight knit group of friends I was mostly influenced by these statements. Are these two ruff and tumble by chance? The whole small town closed network angle is going to make this one tough.
Author youaremysunshine Posted September 26, 2013 Author Posted September 26, 2013 Thanks for all the responses. I really really don't want to lose my ex as a friend, I realize that the relationship will change but I still value him and be have a ton of mutual friends so it's crucial to keep the peace. We have both dated other people and it had been fine. I'm pissed that anyone would say its just "lets be friends" friend zone bull****. We were friends before and were friends after. He has told me he has NO desire to rekindle things with us. I now there are lots of fish in the sea and I honestly did not seek this guy out, he was the one that is trying to take things to the next level with me. He is really to much of a quality guy to pass up though. It hid mind I'm fair game though, because my old relationship seems so distant and he and my ex don't even hang out anymore. although we haven't told anyone WE WILL bump into my ex. That's my worst nightmare. Both my ex and the new guy are pretty short and skinny but my ex has been known to throw drinks or once a punch over girls. I don't want it to go down like that, my instinct is maybe I should just tell him?
FitChick Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 The new guy may be a "quality guy" but you don't sound like a quality girl. Your ex doesn't sound like a quality guy. Why not date the homeless drunk down the street? It won't bother your ex at all. What if you got a great job offer far away but your ex didn't want you to move? What if you got a pay rise and your ex made less money so told you to reject it? Why do you live your life according to your ex? Keep doing this and you will eventually hate him for "ruining" your chances for a better life. 1
crederer Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 Not the most commendable move. Doesn't make you a bad person but you're probably going to be a player in the dismantling if several relationships over this guy. Just throwing that out there.....not necessarily all on you, this is on his "friend" as well. And some of his other guy friends may pick sides and he likely will lose several friends, or at least the respect of some of his friends.
Author youaremysunshine Posted September 26, 2013 Author Posted September 26, 2013 Fitchick, I respect you opinion, but I am am unclear what your stance on this is. I'm not a good person for dating someone my ex knows, but I'm foolish to let his opinion affect who I date? Worth noting, I've known the new love interest LONGER than my ex, as he is my neighbour. Him and my ex met through me and were never especially close. I live in a small town and my ex is a socialable guy who goes out a lot so if I never date any one he knows I'll be excluding a lot of men! I even went on an Internet date once and he knew my ex! This is so frustrating!
Author youaremysunshine Posted September 26, 2013 Author Posted September 26, 2013 Crederer, luckily since they met through me they don't have too many mutal friends. This new guy also is a bit older/calmer and is not really into going to bars anymore so he's kinda out of my ex's scene (ex is a bartender) Oh all three of us live within maybe 5 blocks
Author youaremysunshine Posted September 26, 2013 Author Posted September 26, 2013 Is there any consensus on weather I should tell him or wait till he finds out?
Author youaremysunshine Posted September 27, 2013 Author Posted September 27, 2013 I do care about my ex he's my friend. We rarely pass out on each others couches, we aren't sleeping together I don't think it has any deeper meaning. But yeah, I can't let him run my life so if he wants to stay friends he's just gonna have to deal with it.
Author youaremysunshine Posted September 27, 2013 Author Posted September 27, 2013 I know. And in my mind its all my ex who's creating the drama. It's not that he has a problem with me dating other guys, he even met my last boyfriend. I just think he is going to have a problem because he was hanging around when we were together and he never really liked him.
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