princess_peach Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 Short Version: Went on two dates with this guy, both went reasonably well (Date #2 somewhat better). He contacted me immediately after Date #1, obvious interest. No contact after Date #2; I texted three days later; he replied more than a day after, no obvious indication of interest or lack of it. I replied, flat out telling him I'm interested. No contact, four days since. Skip to final paragraph, or read on for further detail. Longer Version: I went on two dates with a guy I met on an online dating site. I messaged him first; he wrote back; I asked him out immediately; he agreed and we set Date #1. He made it crystal clear that he was very interested in me. Date #1, we got a bit physical (mostly above the waist, no sex). He texted me after I got home saying he wanted to see me again. I told him I wasn't sure. The following day, I basically rejected him saying I didn't want a purely physical relationship. He apologized. Fast-forward a week, I realized that I really didn't give him a fair chance and really wanted to see him again, so I wrote to him explaining the situation and asking him to take things slow. We set Date #2. That was last week, and I am now ridiculously infatuated with this man to the point that my work is suffering because I cannot stop thinking about him. He did not contact me after Date #2. I texted him three days later making it clear that I want to see him again soon. He didn't text back until a day and a half after that, giving me no obvious indication of his interest or lack thereof. I replied within two hours, again making it clear that I'm very interested in him. That was four days ago and I haven't heard from him since. Assuming he is still interested in me (except for the lack of contact, all signs point to yes), why would he not ask me out? Is he expecting me to initiate every time? I've been trying to make it clear that I'm interested without letting him know exactly how bad I've fallen for him, and that seems to be working. Is there anything I can say in less than 140 characters that will get me another date with him without appearing needy or desperate?
TB Rhine Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 (edited) Haha... "assuming he's still interested in me"... well there you have it, LoL. Why in the world would you make that assumption? Is it really so incomprehensible to you that he's *not* interested? The guy got physical with you. You shut him down. You then asked him for another date a week later, with the proviso that the two of you "take it slow." There's two possibilities here - either he was relying on the fact that actions speak louder than words (i.e., he was hoping to get you into bed, or at least another makeout session), or he actually went into that second date with the mindset of, okay, this girl's serious. Is she girlfriend material? And he decided that you weren't, or that he simply wasn't sure. Or, you know, your weird, erratic behavior - all over him one minute, rejecting him the next, asking him out again a week later but forcing him to wear a chastity belt in return for the privilege - justifiably scared him off. Edited September 26, 2013 by TB Rhine 5
quartz88 Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 Peach, you should check out the original post in my thread on "wrong signals." It's impossible for any of us to read this guy's mind, and I completely sympathize in that it's VERY confusing to gauge a person's interest when they make it clear that they like you, yet don't respond right away. Some guys (and women) don't like texting back right away because they don't want to seem too available, or they've been told by some love guru/friend/pickup artist to wait a certain number of hours or days. I'm like you, if I'm not otherwise preoccupied and like the guy, I will respond to whatever signals he sends me. This is not being desperate, it's just being open and inviting - it's all you should NEED to do as a woman. That said, I've been confused before. Sometimes when a woman shows interest, a guy will back off - either because it's taken the "mystery" away of wondering whether she likes him, or because now the pressure is on HIS shoulders, and he might be afraid she likes him more than he likes her. A confident guy who's attracted to you and finds you interesting shouldn't feel anything but "yay! she wants to go out!" to a nice text message. It's possible he's busy. Or he's dating multiple people. Or that he's playing the waiting game so you don't think he's too needy. It's frustrating. But I agree, if he likes you, he should text you back. I find more than 6 hours to be really frustrating, and more than a day to be absolutely puzzling.
quartz88 Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 The guy got physical with you. You shut him down. You then asked him for another date a week later, with the proviso that the two of you "take it slow." I agree here. You did kind of contradict yourself, since you made out with him, then possibly regretted moving too fast and backed off, then decided you really liked him. It's possible he was looking for a mostly physical relationship, and that when you seemed like you didn't know what you wanted, or like too much of a challenge, that you became less of a priority in his dating pool.
Author princess_peach Posted September 26, 2013 Author Posted September 26, 2013 Haha... "assuming he's still interested in me"... well there you have it, LoL. Why in the world would you make that assumption? Is it really so incomprehensible to you that he's *not* interested? I realize he may not be interested, and that is one possible reason why he isn't contacting me, but I'm sure if he didn't want to see me again he'd at least have the decency to say so. He claims to not have time for head games. He did get another (much less intense) makeout session. I wanted him to slow down, definitely not stop. He's almost unbelievably respectful and considerate, seems constantly worried about making me uncomfortable. Quartz, I am reading your thread. I agree. Why can't people just be upfront and honest with each other? I know he has a busy life, but he's not too busy to post random crap on Facebook (he doesn't know I found his profile), so he can't be too busy to text me. If he is dating multiple people, it can't be very many. His online dating profile isn't all that great, his pictures are slightly worse, and he's got kids. He asked me if I'd seen anyone else (I said I had), and how it went (I said okay, not good or bad, didn't go into any detail).
ExpatInItaly Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 I realize he may not be interested, and that is one possible reason why he isn't contacting me, but I'm sure if he didn't want to see me again he'd at least have the decency to say so. He claims to not have time for head games. He did get another (much less intense) makeout session. I wanted him to slow down, definitely not stop. He's almost unbelievably respectful and considerate, seems constantly worried about making me uncomfortable. Quartz, I am reading your thread. I agree. Why can't people just be upfront and honest with each other? I know he has a busy life, but he's not too busy to post random crap on Facebook (he doesn't know I found his profile), so he can't be too busy to text me. If he is dating multiple people, it can't be very many. His online dating profile isn't all that great, his pictures are slightly worse, and he's got kids. He asked me if I'd seen anyone else (I said I had), and how it went (I said okay, not good or bad, didn't go into any detail). This is a big assumption on your part. You can't be sure of that. You don't know him very well, and yes, people CAN and DO slowly fade out of your life without letting you know. Read all the threads here (or any other relationship-advice site) about the number of times this has happened, even when the first couple dates went ok. OP, he hasn't texted you back for several days. He's been online so you know he's around. You're right, he ISN'T too busy to text you. He just isn't interested. I'd start moving on, because it seems he's already doing so.
jacksonvillae Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 Some guys (and women) don't like texting back right away because they don't want to seem too available, or they've been told by some love guru/friend/pickup artist to wait a certain number of hours or days
ja123 Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 Sorry, OP, but he doesn't seem interested. I'd not contact him again, and move on.
PogoStick Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 Is there anything I can say in less than 140 characters that will get me another date with him without appearing needy or desperate? Ask if he will help you pick out some new clothes at Victorias Secret. PS. He doesn't seem interested.
Mascara Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 There is absolutely no way this man is interested in you. If you push hard enough, you might possibly get him to sleep with you. He still won't be interested in you. I don't know what it was that made him lose interest, but I'd guess it was where you made him feel like a sex offender. If you felt uncomfortable with how fast things were going, slow it down yourself. You don't need huge discussions or to tell him you don't want to see him again because of it. How on earth do you think that made him feel? He claims to not have time for head games. Right, because most people who play head games always give you a heads up that they just love it.... 1
clia Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 I agree with the others. He's not asking you out because he's not interested in going out with you again. You keep trying to make excuses for him, but at the end of the day, poofing is common after a date or two, and men who are interested in women ask them out on dates. They don't leave them sitting around to wonder and post on message boards and pretzel brain twist over why they haven't been asked out again. While it is true that at one point in time he may have been interested in you, he obviously is not anymore. I don't know where you are in the world, but where I am it's Thursday, and he hasn't asked you out for the weekend yet, has he? A man who was interested in you would have pinned you down by now to be darn sure you would have time to see him this weekend. He did not contact me after Date #2. Compare. He did contact you after Date 1. Something changed for him. I texted him three days later making it clear that I want to see him again soon. He didn't text back until a day and a half after that, giving me no obvious indication of his interest or lack thereof. He gave you an obvious indication of his lack of interest by not asking to see you again. I replied within two hours, again making it clear that I'm very interested in him. That was four days ago and I haven't heard from him since. So, you have made it very clear -- twice -- that you want to see him again and he has done nothing. Assuming he is still interested in me (except for the lack of contact, all signs point to yes), why would he not ask me out? You are making a massive assumption here. You say "except for the lack of contact, all signs point to yes." What signs are those? From your initial post, you've gotten one text from this guy in the past week, and that was after you texted him first. And he hasn't asked you out. You can't rely upon what happened during your second date, because clearly something has changed for him. For whatever reason, he's done. So, your only option now is to move on. I realize he may not be interested, and that is one possible reason why he isn't contacting me, It's the only reason why he isn't contacting you. Unless he's lying in a hospital bed in a coma, which I doubt. but I'm sure if he didn't want to see me again he'd at least have the decency to say so. He claims to not have time for head games. Do you know how many times I've heard this and still faced the poof from a guy after one or two dates? It's laughable, but common. It's much easier to poof after a date or two than to have to face the barrage of questions when you tell someone you just don't want to see them anymore. Anyway, I'm sorry this didn't work out, but you'll meet someone else and be fine. Just don't text him again. 1
Copelandsanity Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 To be fair, he says he doesn't have time for head games, but you played a head game with him. And now he doesn't have time for it. 2
Author princess_peach Posted September 26, 2013 Author Posted September 26, 2013 Thanks for all the responses. It's just so frustrating. I can't help thinking that if he really didn't want to see me again and wasn't planning on saying so, why would he text me back at all, just to confuse me? But I guess I'll move on.
truth_seeker Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 Some people are weak and inconsiderate.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 I don't think it is right to (allow the OP to will herself to believe that the causes can only relate to her worthiness in his eyes). The real truth could be that the head cheerleader (or the average girl from science class) from back in his high school days finally recognized his vast appeal, while at the same time he remembered his lingering crush on that person. He may simply have been draw to a greater personal investment in somebody else. (no reflection at all on the OP here) 1
Author princess_peach Posted September 29, 2013 Author Posted September 29, 2013 I was having a hard time forgetting about him while still hoping he'd text out of the blue and ask me out, so... I decided to man up and ask him upfront if he wants to see me again. While I did NOT get an enthusiastic yes, he did provide a plausible explanation for why he's busier than usual right now and made it damn clear that he doesn't want me to write him off, and I made sure he now knows that I expect to hear from him at least once a week. Conclusion: I'm happy But if I don't get another text before next Sunday, I'm done with him.
StanMusial Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 You seem to run hot and cold, he is probably confused by the mixed signals.
crederer Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 Does he expect you to initiate? By your account, you have not initiated at all other than to tell him you're not interested. Ya, some guys like to be approached as well from time to time.
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