lovemonster123 Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 Hey everyone, This is my first time in a forum like this but i can definitely use some help/advice. So a little background -- i'm 26 male living in los angeles area and my gf is 23. We've dated for about 9 months, and we've definitely had our ups and downs. We hit it off right since we met, and things were going great -- until i found out she's been flirting with a 'friend' in a different part of the country via facebook messaging. I was furious and i let my anger out on her by yelling at her, which wasn't the best idea. Anyway, we got over it and things moved along. We would have fights here and there, but nothing major. She's the type of girl who becomes very emotionally dependent on her bf (my assumption is because she didn't have a job nor was attending school). I felt a little bit overwelmed at first, but i got used to it and i was able to balance my relationship & social life & work. Other than our small fights here and there, we were really great. We connected very well, spent a lot time together, traveled to different cities for vacation, and overall, i would say that i really enjoy just being around her. Then couple of months later, we go out to a club where we meet few of her friends friends. There were guys and girls, and i though no big deal. Few days later, I log into her fb and i caught her again flirting with one of the guys from the club (it was very obvious flirting). I'm almost 100% sure they didn't meet up in person to hang out or anything like that, but i get furious i let her have it by yelling and using swear words. I felt very betrayed and i felt like i could never trust her again. For the next couple of days after the event, she would call and text over and over, apologizing for what she did. I really thought about breaking up with her, but i decided to give her another chance. This is where things started going sour. For the next few weeks after this incident, i would have issues trusting her and would catch myself trying to look into her fb account/phone for more clues. When she would tell me she would be with her friends/family, i would get doubts (not to paranoia) and suspicions that she may be lying. This led to problems especially because we both like to enjoy ourselves on the weekends by going out for drinks at bars together, and i would get very suspicious of her out of nowhere if she would get a text from a guy espeically when i've had few drinks at the bar. I would react by getting angry at her and yelling at her. After few incidents such as this, she breaks up with me, telling me that she has really set her mind not to do anything behind my back, and the fact that i'm always getting mad at her for past events is very emotionally taxing to her. So after about a week of breakup, i realize i this isn't healthy and i talk to her about it. We get back together, on the terms that i would not continue this behaviour. Then things got back to somewhat normal, and we continue dating -- but not going out to drink. We started to stay in on weekends more, watching movies, eating out, etc. instead of partying. In the last 3 weeks or so, we started to slowly go out for drinks again, and fights started happening again. As bad as it suonds, these fights occur because when i've had couple of drinks, i get very sensitive about what happened in the past, and i let little things remind of the event -- which triggers me to get angry and yell at her. She broke up with me again, and i realize that this angry behavior of mine is costing us our relationoship. We're not completley broken up, but we're on a 'break', where we agreed to talk in about a week. In my mind, howoever, i'm really regretting ever getting angry at her about things that happened in the past -- more so because these events happened with alcohol involved. Today, i went to go see her (which i shouldn't) and apologized for how i've been acting and the mean things that i said when i got angry at her, but she replied by saying that the last couple of days we've been separated have made her more relieved that she's not dealing with this problem anymore. I've also tried telling her that i want to change this part of me, that i want to grow as a person and as a bf, and that i love her very much. She knows that we are very 'lovey dovey' when we're not fighting and really enjoy being with each other, but our fights end up in yelling, which affects her a lot emotionally .Sigh It's hard for me to tell if she's really feeling that she's relieved, or if that's just part of her being strong so that she can try to end this relationship. I know our relatinsihp has been toxic at those times, but we've spent a lot of good times together and i really want to be with her. Now that we've discussed being on a break for about a week, i don't know what to expect. Any ideas??
monkeymaid Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 Sounds like she isnt really that into you, but likes being loved and taken care of. Sorry for the blunt honesty. I am in La as well. Get used to that. It sounds like you should RUN away from her. I know you wont listen to anything anybody on this forum will write, but she is not the type of girl to love you for you, but rather love you for what you provide (shes a gold digger). on this break, you need to stop worrying about her and just figure out how to enjoy yourself by yourself. Do whatever you'd like and have yourself some genuine child like fun.
Author lovemonster123 Posted September 26, 2013 Author Posted September 26, 2013 Thanks for the response mikeymad. You do have a point that she does like being loved and being taken care of, but i also know that she is very into me. She would tell me how much she loved me everyday (literarlly) and spend all her time that she could we me. She would also do things like cooking for me, cleaning up after me smoetimes, and is a very nurturing person. After talking to my friend, i think my problem is that right now, i have this guilt that i mistreated her and am putting her on a pedastal, by thinking of her as 'the one' and thinking that this is all my fault. On the other side, my guess is that she has me in the ditch by thinking that 'yes, he did mess up, and so i'm going to be strong and do what is right for me'. I think cutting off all contact may be the best solution for now until her and i can both think level headed and look at the relationship as a whole, instead of focusing just the bad things and quick solutions..the only problem is that we're used to spending almost every night together and the separation leaving me with a void that i dont know what to do with myself except to think about the situation
todreaminblue Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 alcohol is killer.......to relationships ....especially when you have unresolved issues of trust...... you said you go out to enjoy yourselves with going to a bar and drinking...when does the enjoyment start........when you start fighting or after...... you seemed to have a better relationship when you werent out partying and drinking.....alcohol and you dont go together because you let things simmer..you dont really end things you continue to bring up the past when you drink because you have trust issues and insecurity.........when you drink they come out........you have discussed being on break fro week ....i would consider taking that break to work out if you were to get back together that drinking is not something that would keep your relationship together and to work on you dealing with issues once completely ....and either accepting that its done and move on from it....or you need to let her go..you deal with an issue once......and then you have to trust it wont repeat again....you dont bring it back up ever in fights....when drinking.....because you had a rough day because you just feel like bringing it up........you let it go completely because you have said everything that needed to be said already dont rehash it is exactly like flogging a dead horse....useless and damaging......i have heard though dead horses dont feel a thing..hence....useless.. good luck.......deb
Author lovemonster123 Posted September 26, 2013 Author Posted September 26, 2013 Thanks deb. I think you absolutely right. Alcohol really brought up unresolved issues of trust and insecurity and def was not the best choices made. Well, i live and learn...and im thinking that now if i dont get her back and we end up breaking up, i will learn in the future to be more careful with my actions especially with alcohol given situations like this...or i can just find a girl who i can trust hah btw this NC thing that i'm doing is working well for my mental health -- i'm not so anxious and paranoid and i'm slowly beginning to see things in a different perspective..as in i'm not looking at her as high on a pedestal as i did couple of days ago
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