monkeymaid Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 Wow, I never thought that I would be back here, but alas, here I am. I havent logged in for over 3 years, but I just went through a breakup on Monday that I am still so confused about. I have been with my now-ex since August 19th 2010. Over the last year or so shes picked up Salsa dancing, and I have never been Ok with it. ....Its actually part of what ended my relationship before this one. I just can't see it as something that doesnt contain sexual undertones, and to me it is disrespectful to do that while in a deep commited relationship. I understand that some people will not agree with me and I respect that. I used to dance salsa myself, and the previous GF became a professional salsa dancer towards teh end of our relationship. I got into it because the old ex asked me to. I always disagreed, but tried to be understanding and accomodating so i danced for over 2 years. It always felt wrong, but it seemed to make her happy. Anyway, starting about 3 months ago, my newly minted ex started dancing 3-4 days a week and I could not take it. I expressed myself and explained my moral compass, but she seemed to not really care. She picked up some more work hours and it stopped her from being able to go out so often. By that time my confidence and resolve was shattered and I had started falling into a depression. It was getting worse for the last 3 months till Sunday. She told me that she was going dancing and I literally threw up and got a fever. After that, I didnt know what else to do, but end it. She was unhappy, I was unhappy, and I was losing all motivation to do things that I loved. I stopped surfing, stopped hiking, stopped studying for school and work, and basically became a shell of my former awesome self. My problem is should I have gone to therapy for something like this or did I do the right thing? I cant really wrap my head around everything on a logical level now though I had it all laid out perfectly for the last 3 days. I keep second guessing myself and I want to know if there is a way I might have missed to work this out with her. She is my dream girl other than she picked up dancing. She wouldnt change styles, and only in the last 2 weeks started trying out new hobbies. I tried talking to her and being really communicative and understanding through this until the end when I was just short and fed up. I genuinely want her to be happy, so if that means without me, so be it, and I know that time will heal all things if I let it. I also realize that I am in no position to speak to her about any of this so I wont. NC already, and I wont break it, but damn if I want to figure out a way to make this work. background, I am 30 and a IT guy that moonlights as an outdoor personal trainer and she is a 25 year old behavior therapist. She has lead a fairly sheltered life, I was her first "real" boyfriend after college. I have been through a few meaningful relationships so I know the drill, but I want this one to actually work. Her mom and grandma are the relative matriarchs of their respective families and the men are afterthoughts. Women provide the money and direction for the family. I am not like that. I came from a family where the Dad ran the family. We somehow had a very equal partnership outside of this one seemingly insurmountable issue. Anyone have a perspective ot idea they could possibly share?? I could really use some perspective. ....I am a professionally social person, but not a personally social person, so I only have 2 friends I can talk to, and I cant beat them with this stuff yet. I haven't yet felt the full force of the pain, and will need them for that.
Philosoraptor Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 You were insecure about it and you certainly have the right to break up with someone for any reason. The key here is that you were honest about it and you can't ask for much more than that from someone. I would though consider therapy here as your insecurity and jealousy issues stem pretty deep. Sounds like she was growing in her life and something made you uncomfortable. Whether it was your own past relationship failure or your own feeling of inadequacy due to your own social life, something triggered a "run" response here. 2
Author monkeymaid Posted September 27, 2013 Author Posted September 27, 2013 Im going to see a hypnotherapist next week, and Im also working through a CBT self-help program. Insurance at work kicks in in about 2 weeks (not soon enough). I startedcrying like a baby yesterday after seeing a movie. I have had all of these fantastical romantic thoughts of getting to work with a therapist and making a re-entry into the relationship with my new found abilities and behaviors to let her know that I have "fixed" myself and actually mean it, so now we can continue with what we were, then I know its just me bargaining with myself and I just plain and simply miss her. There is also the side where she is workign to not hurt and will continue doing so till she allows herself to be happy and will one day soon (hopefully for her sake) be happy all by herself and move on and get over this and accept that what we had was great, but now its time for something different. I know my body is physically going through withdrawals but I want to make the bouts of pain stop. I have resorted to writing in a book anytime I would have spoke with her, and it is already becoming less that I am writing, but because I am forcing myself to not because I dont want to. Thanks for theresponse philosiraptor it made me evaluate and do research into hyper jealousy and found that it is a treatable thing, so Im looking into it. side note, The day before we broke up, I nicknamed her my "sex-raptor" ...oddly enough not feeling the burn of no sex yet. if anyone has any more thoughts or advice, I am most assuredly all ears and will probably be the guy to LISTEN to everyone as I know given advice from a non-biased point of view is always better than listening to myself in times of personal crazy. Thank you for this board being here!! One of the best tools ever
mikei880 Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 It seems to me that you are having a ptsd type episode here. History repeating itself you are thinking? If this is what it is then let her go and take the opportunity for self improvement. Hopefully the breakup was done in a respectful way so MAYBE when you get where you need to be you guys can restart..... I think things are going to be a bit toxic until you get this figured out. She has a right to live her life as she sees fit no matter where you fit in... good luck
Author monkeymaid Posted September 30, 2013 Author Posted September 30, 2013 Oh my god, Im 30 years old and been trough far too many breakups for this crap. Im freaking out. I broke down last night and broke NC. I am so stupid! WHy did I do that? it hurts more nowm and I knew it while I was driving to her place. I DROVE TO SEE HER!!! Holy crap, I know better than this! I was so happy, and so was she, but when all was said and done, she knows we needed this. I had convinced myself that this was all my fault and i could fix it by myself. She reminded me that we were both unhappy and I couldnt pull myself out of this depression. I am having ridiculous withdrawals, and I am getting bad reviews at work. I am really losing this. I cant get the thought of us living our lives together out of my head. Im going to see a therapist this week, but at the moment for the wrong reasons I think. I want to be better to save the relationship, not to just be a better person. My brain has lost control and my emotions have taken over. I have worked out 11 times in 5 days and I still cant tire myself out. I am frazzled and dont know how to calm myself down ...not sure I feel better writing this here, but its better than an email to her.
Author monkeymaid Posted September 30, 2013 Author Posted September 30, 2013 Can anyone please respond to this thread. Please. I really need to hear from anyone on the planet right now, and I have no one.
StrongLass Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 Anyone have a perspective ot idea they could possibly share?? I could really use some perspective... Ok, here's some. This split was a really, REALLY good thing to have happen to you. Perhaps the best thing possible. Lost already? Lemme break it down for you, Your perspective on your most recent breakup is being colored by your previous one that suffered similar issues. That issue was one of respect, which is something that everyone deserves in their most intimate relationships. What's respectful to you of course will always differ to SOME degree from your partner, but the real question is... ....why do you keep picking women with such a drastically different definition of respect than you? And why do they ALL have an affinity for salsa dancing? lol Sure, variety is the spice of life but some things couples HAVE to be on the same page about in order for them to endure. With the help of a therapist you could probably figure out why & start to work on your other difficulties that the other responders have touched on. Does that help?
Author monkeymaid Posted September 30, 2013 Author Posted September 30, 2013 StronLass, thank you for responding. I was going infreakinsane for the last 30 minutes. You gave me a point from which to focus and I am truly truly grateful. Up until the dancing, I felt like I was in a utopia. I had no idea it could be so good, and for over 2 years! I really was genuinely happy, and then she started the dancing. I think over the last 9 months, I just lost control and fell into this deep dark place that I dont know how to get out of. It definitely relates to the dancing and the previous (insult to injury, the old gf cheated on me with another dancer) breakup, but I havent the foggiest as to how to approach this. In my head I know that I will be better for all of this, as we all grow from our experiences, I just have a divide in myself where if I let myself feel anything, I cry and cry and cry and loose all hope at life. I literally turn into a 225lb ball of goo. An uncontrollable mess (like where my previous post came from). Im not sure if just feeling the feelings is what I need, or to adopt a different perspective or what. I cant figure out if my view on respect is skewed, or if I was right or wrong or if she was. All I feel right now, is figure it the **** out and get her back. I tend to blame myself (I think it is like a 70/30 in this case) but want to make up for my shortcomings and get back to her. I am also inclined to just shut it off and go unfeeling. I can function then, but feel everything bubbling underneath like a volcano. Hence the at least 2 a day workouts. I just want to know how to fix this without hurting so much, but that probably isnt possible right?
Author monkeymaid Posted September 30, 2013 Author Posted September 30, 2013 Do you think there is a way to save this?
StrongLass Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 Do you think there is a way to save this? Not without you taking some time out to improve yourself. At this stage she's not going to listen to you/want you anyways.
Author monkeymaid Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 Thank you StrongLass. I am doing that. Do you mind if I ask what your story is?
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