Author Sparty97 Posted September 27, 2013 Author Posted September 27, 2013 You don't even have to get a divorce. There are plenty of other woman who would give you that without the divorce. As for your comment that she has gotten everything she wants/needs from the marriage, how do you know? Did you ever ask her? Actually we have had that conversation, she is content in the marriage. More so when I don't bring up our lack of intimacy.
Author Sparty97 Posted September 27, 2013 Author Posted September 27, 2013 Does she have a job? If not, I'd sure push her into getting one. She does. Far below what her education would suggest, but she seems to be able to handle it for now. I wouldn't be shocked if she got fired though.
Author Sparty97 Posted September 27, 2013 Author Posted September 27, 2013 Divorce is expensive because it's worth it. Besides, if you are really motivated to give her as little as possible in a divorce, there are strategies. First, if she has a job, you may not have pay alimony, or not for long (the longer the marriage and the greater the income disparity, the more likely you'll have to pay alimony). Before you even mention divorce, downgrade your job and salary for a year or so, to lower the amount you'd have to pay, and try to get her to earn more too. Spend savings on non-tangible things, like trips and experiences (preferably without her) - things you'd want to do someday, just do them now. That depletes your assets to share. Have equity in your home? Sell it, downsize greatly, and again use the proceeds for experiences. Now, this may not be ethical, but it may be better than staying in a loveless, sexless marriage that is taking its toll in stress on your health and happiness. Funny, I have actually done several of these things recently without really realizing their potential benefit. We sold our house (at a small loss), I changed jobs (dropping around 10k in salary) to a career better suited to my education, etc. We have no assets other than household possessions. She has a job, still making just a bit over half of what I make but last year she made less than a 3rd so things are looking up.
dichotomy Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 (edited) Funny, I have actually done several of these things recently without really realizing their potential benefit. We sold our house (at a small loss), I changed jobs (dropping around 10k in salary) to a career better suited to my education, etc. We have no assets other than household possessions. She has a job, still making just a bit over half of what I make but last year she made less than a 3rd so things are looking up. So if there is no home, she has a job, then that leaves children - do you have young ones? If not I don't see whats keeping you married really. A judge would look at both your earning potential as well as actual earning if there was an consideration of alimony. As I understand it however, alimony is not considered as much as it used to be - its mainly child support and loss of home worth that hits guys. Was the sex a gradual decline or was there a big drop of at some point ? Edited September 27, 2013 by dichotomy
ChooseTruth Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 ... I have spent years trying to meet her halfway, a third of the way, a quarter, and eight...no dice. She has no interest in sex, and for years she has essentially been getting what she wants out of the marriage. It may be time for me to seek what I need out of it elsewhere. Hopefully this means divorce and not extra marital playtime. I don't care how much she's deprived you, no-one deserves to be cheated on. It certainly won't fix things. You might have fun a few nights or more...but in the end it will hurt everyone much more and you will be the bad guy, not her.
2sunny Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 I am not a big believer in counseling. Ya - but you seem to be a big believer in staying stuck in a sucky marriage and complaining about it. You want a BJ? She's not delivering? Simply state you will search one out since she's not willing to act like a loving wife. To act mean and snarky is more mean than what she's doing. 1
Mascara Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 Men have this mythical idea that divorce will see them penniless and living on the streets. You're making excuses to stay married. It's fine that you want to remain married, but don't use money as an excuse. If you have no children, you'll just have to split the assets. Alimony is unlikely beyond a short adjustment period.
Lillyfree Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 I am not a big believer in counseling. well, things are obviously not all rainbows and butterflies, and from just this little BJ exchange you two had it's obvious you can't communicate. when i said counsellor - there are many types. not even a professional. just a third party that can get you to talk to eachother like adults.
Author Sparty97 Posted September 27, 2013 Author Posted September 27, 2013 So if there is no home, she has a job, then that leaves children - do you have young ones? If not I don't see whats keeping you married really. A judge would look at both your earning potential as well as actual earning if there was an consideration of alimony. As I understand it however, alimony is not considered as much as it used to be - its mainly child support and loss of home worth that hits guys. Was the sex a gradual decline or was there a big drop of at some point ? We have a son. I would not be adverse to paying whatever was needed for child support, that's a non-issue to me.
Author Sparty97 Posted September 27, 2013 Author Posted September 27, 2013 Hopefully this means divorce and not extra marital playtime. I don't care how much she's deprived you, no-one deserves to be cheated on. It certainly won't fix things. You might have fun a few nights or more...but in the end it will hurt everyone much more and you will be the bad guy, not her. I can't say that I haven't contemplated it. As for it not fixing things? I feel like they are beyond fixing. I have trued just about everything that can be tried. I have been supportive. I have always done a fair share of the household work (dishes, laundry, yard work, childcare). Supported her as she sought treatment (and every changing diagnosis) for her mental illness...tried to get her to recognize the signs of an anxiety episode before they happened...been there to give advice when asked, only to have it ignored...
Author Sparty97 Posted September 27, 2013 Author Posted September 27, 2013 Men have this mythical idea that divorce will see them penniless and living on the streets. You're making excuses to stay married. It's fine that you want to remain married, but don't use money as an excuse. If you have no children, you'll just have to split the assets. Alimony is unlikely beyond a short adjustment period. Up until recently the state I lived in had lifetime alimony regardless of the duration of the marriage. It even allowed alimony to be recalculated to include a second spouses income. That has changed, but now we live someplace new. I'll have to look and see what the laws here are like. I haven't been completely forthright in this posting. I have talked about it before though, my wife suffers from mental illness. She has about four ever changing diagnosis, but she also doesn't always manage it very well. If she were healthy I probably would have divorced her years ago... as much as it doesn't sound like it I do feel a responsibility towards here and I do wonder what would happen if we did divorce in terms of her mental health and what that would mean for our son.
Author Sparty97 Posted September 27, 2013 Author Posted September 27, 2013 Ya - but you seem to be a big believer in staying stuck in a sucky marriage and complaining about it. You want a BJ? She's not delivering? Simply state you will search one out since she's not willing to act like a loving wife. To act mean and snarky is more mean than what she's doing. It's mean, but is it really MORE mean?
Author Sparty97 Posted September 27, 2013 Author Posted September 27, 2013 well, things are obviously not all rainbows and butterflies, and from just this little BJ exchange you two had it's obvious you can't communicate. when i said counsellor - there are many types. not even a professional. just a third party that can get you to talk to eachother like adults. Really? I thought I communicated things pretty clearly.
The Way I Am Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 I have trued just about everything that can be tried. I have been supportive. I have always done a fair share of the household work (dishes, laundry, yard work, childcare). Supported her as she sought treatment (and every changing diagnosis) for her mental illness...tried to get her to recognize the signs of an anxiety episode before they happened...been there to give advice when asked, only to have it ignored... Have you tried being romantic and loving? Not being snarky. Genuinely asking, because housekeeping stuff is fine. But that's stuff a person would do to help out their roommates. And since I assume it's your kid as well, you should be involved in the childcare. Supporting her through her mental illness is something to appreciate, but probably not really a turn on. No mention here of attempts at romance. Is she taking medication for her metal illness which could affect her sex drive?
Author Sparty97 Posted September 27, 2013 Author Posted September 27, 2013 Yes I have tried being romantic. This has been going on for more than 10yrs (the decline in intimacy) and I am beyond putting more effort into it than she does. As for me mentioning the housework and childcare I was simply answering questions before they were raised. I agree that those things are as much my responsibility as they are hers.
candie13 Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 Funny, I have actually done several of these things recently without really realizing their potential benefit. We sold our house (at a small loss), I changed jobs (dropping around 10k in salary) to a career better suited to my education, etc. We have no assets other than household possessions. She has a job, still making just a bit over half of what I make but last year she made less than a 3rd so things are looking up. Listen, I've never been married, but .. paying her something and getting peace of mind is usually worth it. Do the math and then decide, explore all your options and then make a decision. What are you risking? Running into a lovely lady who won't even be able to keep her hands off of you and receiving a bj... on a Tuesday morning ? Women who want to make their partner happy do exist, you know. You should want more. Your life should be about fulfilling your ambitions, not playing them down. You should not be afraid about working hard to become happier. I wonder, if in a certain way, you are also a bit comfortable in this situation... anyway, tough luck with the bj... hope your birthday was fun, though.
dichotomy Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 I haven't been completely forthright in this posting. I have talked about it before though, my wife suffers from mental illness. She has about four ever changing diagnosis, but she also doesn't always manage it very well. If she were healthy I probably would have divorced her years ago... as much as it doesn't sound like it I do feel a responsibility towards here and I do wonder what would happen if we did divorce in terms of her mental health and what that would mean for our son. A wife with on going mental illness, that's got to be very tough on you. I am very sorry for this. How old is your son?
central Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 My ex also had a mental illness. Meds can greatly affect libido, but in our case her lack of interest far preceeded the onset and any effect from meds. I stayed with her until she was stable on her meds (about a year), then proceeded with the divorce we had previously both agreed was for the best. I'm glad that she has remained stable over the years since.
giotto Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 my wife also takes ADs for her mental condition... they are a libido killer. She says she has absolutely none. She has to decide in her head when to have sex... she doesn't decide very often, unfortunately...
Ursa Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 Really? I thought I communicated things pretty clearly. I think most people feel that they are communicating clearly, yet that is often not the case from the other perspective. What I see in the short exchange you posted is a lot of resentment and hurt and both sides, and a pretty massive communication breakdown. Unless she's seriously disordered, her reaction to you screams out about a communication breakdown, to me. I'll take just a second here to point out that when you say she "should know" what you want for your birthday, you are pulling a stereotypically female communication manouvre that men have been complaining about since the dawn of time, by the way. And the valid, stereotypical male response to this is generally that they are not mindreaders. If a husband and wife have different priorities and different emotional languages, they are not going to "just know" what the other person feels/wants/needs, even if it seems like they should. The whole thing sounds terribly dysfunctional and sad for both of you. I do think that you would be wise to give counseling a try, you might end up surprised. Of course, it seems that this has been going on for a long time, and so maybe it's too late. In that case, I would urge you to see a lawyer and find out about the divorce laws in your new state. It might not be as bad as you fear--and sometimes freedom is worth almost any price. 1
Ursa Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 Up until recently the state I lived in had lifetime alimony regardless of the duration of the marriage. It even allowed alimony to be recalculated to include a second spouses income. That has changed, but now we live someplace new. I'll have to look and see what the laws here are like. I haven't been completely forthright in this posting. I have talked about it before though, my wife suffers from mental illness. She has about four ever changing diagnosis, but she also doesn't always manage it very well. If she were healthy I probably would have divorced her years ago... as much as it doesn't sound like it I do feel a responsibility towards here and I do wonder what would happen if we did divorce in terms of her mental health and what that would mean for our son. Mental illness changes things for everyone, I somehow missed that part. But I am curious about the "four ever changing diagnoses." Seems like nobody knows what is really wrong with her? Is she being rotated through different drugs willy nilly? Do you worry that she is an unfit parent because of her troubles?
Author Sparty97 Posted September 27, 2013 Author Posted September 27, 2013 A wife with on going mental illness, that's got to be very tough on you. I am very sorry for this. How old is your son? 9 years old
Author Sparty97 Posted September 27, 2013 Author Posted September 27, 2013 Mental illness changes things for everyone, I somehow missed that part. But I am curious about the "four ever changing diagnoses." Seems like nobody knows what is really wrong with her? Is she being rotated through different drugs willy nilly? Do you worry that she is an unfit parent because of her troubles? In general I do not worry about her parenting, though if she were to go through a manic episode or have an anxiety attack she would certainly be unavailable.
crederer Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 This thread is making marriage seem so appealing. You gotta hit the reset button here. You're both obviously grinding eachother and both probably speaking to each other like sixth graders. What you gotta do, is sit her down and calmly but firmly say, "...look shorty, don't make me get my pimp hand out...." Even if she's not in the mood, can't she just bite the bullet, throw some lube on you and let you go to town from time to time? Is it REALLY that horrible for a woman to not have sex while not in the mood? I've done it plenty of times (turning a girlfriend down for sex has never resulted in anything positive yet in my life).
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