How do I rid myself of the hope?

[AnyaNova]

No matter how hard I try, how much intellectual control I try to exert over my mind, I still end up lost in all these stupid fantasies.

 

Fantasies where he comes back, says that he has missed me so much and been so unhappy without me and all he wants is to be with me, and of course, just to add icing on the cake, he says that he loves me (which he never said once during our brief relationship--did I mention that our post breakup last meeting really did send me on the bus to crazy town?).

 

How do I excise these stupid fantasies. No matter how much distress he showed that night he sent me from his life, he still did it, and it is clear that he doesn't care enough to undo it.

 

I know it doesn't help that I'm still stuck here sick at home since I tried to come back to early. But how, how do I stop this idiotic, gullible, irrational, immature, and utterly stupidly stereotypical hope that he loves me and will come back?

 

I am trying to put a stake through the heart of it, but so far nothing seems effective. Perhaps if I eat more garlic? Find some kryptonite somewhere?

[JoelBarish]

No matter how hard I try, how much intellectual control I try to exert over my mind, I still end up lost in all these stupid fantasies.

 

Fantasies where he comes back, says that he has missed me so much and been so unhappy without me and all he wants is to be with me, and of course, just to add icing on the cake, he says that he loves me (which he never said once during our brief relationship--did I mention that our post breakup last meeting really did send me on the bus to crazy town?).

 

How do I excise these stupid fantasies. No matter how much distress he showed that night he sent me from his life, he still did it, and it is clear that he doesn't care enough to undo it.

 

I know it doesn't help that I'm still stuck here sick at home since I tried to come back to early. But how, how do I stop this idiotic, gullible, irrational, immature, and utterly stupidly stereotypical hope that he loves me and will come back?

 

I am trying to put a stake through the heart of it, but so far nothing seems effective. Perhaps if I eat more garlic? Find some kryptonite somewhere?

 

I struggle with this too. Here's a few things I've come up with.

 

-Picture your ex being intimate with someone else. Picture it in great detail.

 

-Tell yourself that it's over. If your mind starts thinking of the person coming back, catch yourself and say "enough! It's over". I think it comes down to acceptance. Once you accept it fully, it becomes real in your mind.

[petall]

For me, it's the feeling of how can I ever find someone like him again.

 

The same intellect, the same sense of humour, the way I could read his mind, the sexiness I find in him where I just want to tear off his clothes...ugh..

Edited September 25, 2013 by petall

[AnyaNova]

I am really confused now.

 

I tried visualizing him with another woman. In fact, I tried visualizing him with my mental picture of a woman he told me about that he knew from work who he had considered dating at one point. I don't get it. On the one hand, I still feel like I love him, still have all the stupid fantasies. Etc.

 

On the other hand, last night when I realized how much of that Johnny Cash song (Hurt--but not the needle/drug reference, just everything else) really fit him and our relationship, I didn't cry. I just felt. Maybe lightly and a small bit sad.

 

For him and for us.

 

But what is really confusing me, is I have tried picturing in detail him with my mental picture of that other woman.

 

And, maybe a tiny twinge, but mostly nothing.

 

What does this mean?

[love1336x]

Oh my god. I have the same exact problem! hope drives my heart insane.

But, I believe because he text me once of month for some type of non sense, or sometimes he tells me he misses me, and sure enough my hopes are relighted!!!!

We have never fully stop contact more than 3 months from the time of our break up.

 

He even asked me out few weeks ago! But, I know in heart we will never be. He gets bored and wants somebody attention and surely enough I give him plenty when he breaks NC.

 

I THINK the key is simply giving it time.

Or drilling facts into your brain how it just won't work, and why it didn't work out.

Who broke up with who?

[JoelBarish]

I am really confused now.

 

I tried visualizing him with another woman. In fact, I tried visualizing him with my mental picture of a woman he told me about that he knew from work who he had considered dating at one point. I don't get it. On the one hand, I still feel like I love him, still have all the stupid fantasies. Etc.

 

On the other hand, last night when I realized how much of that Johnny Cash song (Hurt--but not the needle/drug reference, just everything else) really fit him and our relationship, I didn't cry. I just felt. Maybe lightly and a small bit sad.

 

For him and for us.

 

But what is really confusing me, is I have tried picturing in detail him with my mental picture of that other woman.

 

And, maybe a tiny twinge, but mostly nothing.

 

What does this mean?

 

So you're saying you feel a slight twinge but otherwise you don't feel emotional separation because of the visualization?

[AnyaNova]

I tried doing this on my own, maybe a week, week and a half ago. At that time, the idea sent me into all kinds of crying and anguish.

 

Now, it really doesn't make me feel much of anything. Even when I make myself believe that it's really happening. Like. Now.

[AnyaNova]

Love, to answer your question and give a short breakdown. The last meeting was on the first Friday of this month.

 

1) start messaging on okcup in April.

2)meet for first time end of may.

3) he offers committed and exclusive relationship a couple days into June.

4)A day later I accept.

5) breaks up with me at end of July because he didn't feel anything while kissing me the night before.

6) we agree to stay friends.

7) after much time and discussion, decide staying friends would not work.

8) decide to see each other one last time a couple weeks later so that our last memories wouldn't be of each other on the day of he breakup.

9) enough messaging and phone time in interim, everyone I told save one person thought we were about to get back together.

10) emotionally gut wrenching last meeting where he showed so many signs of intense need for me, while absolutely insisting on sending me away, despite some reservations I had about losing someone close to me in this manner, so close on to the death of a friend of mine last spring.

11) next day, start the NC crazy town busride that I am on now.

Edited September 26, 2013 by AnyaNova

[love1336x]

I struggle with this too. Here's a few things I've come up with.

 

-Picture your ex being intimate with someone else. Picture it in great detail.

 

Oh nooo, i think that's just adds way more pain than helps for the hurting process. Who wants to be replaced by their lover? I think no one. I know my brain stays away from thoughts like that.

 

I rather think of my ex being a selfish, attention seeker prick vs him having a girlfriend... I mean if he did get a girlfriend it would push me to healed, but faking that he had one... just no no!

[AnyaNova]

Oh nooo, i think that's just adds way more pain than helps for the hurting process. Who wants to be replaced by their lover? I think no one. I know my brain stays away from thoughts like that.

 

I rather think of my ex being a selfish, attention seeker prick vs him having a girlfriend... I mean if he did get a girlfriend it would push me to healed, but faking that he had one... just no no!

It may be like cauterization. Horrible to imagine and better if you don't have to be awake for it, but perhaps helpful to healing?

 

I don't know. I'm almost a little psyched that I can think of him with another woman and not freak out and picture all those little things he used to do with me, being done with someone else.

[love1336x]

It may be like cauterization. Horrible to imagine and better if you don't have to be awake for it, but perhaps helpful to healing?

 

I don't know. I'm almost a little psyched that I can think of him with another woman and not freak out and picture all those little things he used to do with me, being done with someone else.

 

LMAO. cauterization is for dogs and cats, not for humans...

[AnyaNova]

Hey. I just realized that my phone has been in the kitchen on the ipod doc charging for hours, and I haven't needed to check it to see if he's texted, emailed, facebooked, or called.

 

I am riding high here, because tonight, after doing that exercise, I can clearly imagine what my life will look like when I am over him. And I know that that day is coming sooner than I would have thought this morning.

 

Much sooner.

 

I am not saying that there won't be bumps, hiccups, and a huge set back or ten, but I can see that day coming and I am enjoying it right now. Though, with that said, I think whether or not one chooses to try to imagine their ex in vivid detail being intimate with someone else has to be a personal decision.

 

But for those who are comfortable trying it, and want to, I certainly recommend it. But make sure you don't give up, if the first time causes you to descend into a weeping mass of anguish (it certainly did me when I tried this shortly after our last meeting).

Edited September 26, 2013 by AnyaNova

[JoelBarish]

Oh nooo, i think that's just adds way more pain than helps for the hurting process. Who wants to be replaced by their lover? I think no one. I know my brain stays away from thoughts like that.

 

Hmmm I came up with that idea based on what someone said to me in another post.

 

"I'm lucky I guess because imagining an ex with someone else is so repulsive to me. That repulsion drives me to move in the complete opposite direction

 

P.S. I agree that ASSUMING its true is a very smart move to make. Speeds up the moving on process and you better believe that eventually they will definitely be with someone else. "

 

I don't know how else to distance myself emotionally. There has to be something that I can do that will flip the switch in my head so I don't want her anymore (she certainly flipped a switch inside her that changed everything and she decided to break it off)

 

I really think the answer might be as I said, acceptance. Once we all know, undeniably KNOW that it's over, then there will be no more false hope. So as I said in a previous post, I think it's a good idea to "catch" yourself fantasizing or hoping about the ex contacting or returning. And when you do catch yourself thinking those thoughts, shutting them down immediately and injecting a hard dose of reality by reminding yourself IT'S OVER.

Edited September 26, 2013 by JoelBarish

[Mr Scorpio]

No matter how hard I try, how much intellectual control I try to exert over my mind, I still end up lost in all these stupid fantasies. I am trying to put a stake through the heart of it, but so far nothing seems effective. Perhaps if I eat more garlic? Find some kryptonite somewhere?

 

Perhaps consider how painful it would be to go through the breakup process a second time? I had the sort-of reconcilliation with my ex that people dream of. I got to hear her talk about what a giant mistake she'd made. I got to listen to her drop hints about how she wanted to get back together.

 

And then I got to get dumped a second time. Started the healing process all over again. Started NC all over again.

[AnyaNova]

So, I had these breakthroughs last night, but now have slipped back and wonder, "how do I get back there?" I did wake up a little sad this morning and suspected even last night that I would.

 

But, last night I got a glimpse of what it will look like when I am over him. When I have moved on. And it was wonderful. I want to get back to that as soon as possible. I still don't get much feeling at all when thinking about him with another woman. But I'm not in the kind of good mood I was in last night.

 

These are the excerpts from my thread entitled, "How to rid myself of the hope" that describe the breakthroughs.

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

I don't know. I'm almost a little psyched that I can think of him with another woman and not freak out and picture all those little things he used to do with me, being done with someone else.

 

and

 

Hey. I just realized that my phone has been in the kitchen on the ipod doc charging for hours, and I haven't needed to check it to see if he's texted, emailed, facebooked, or called.

 

I am riding high here, because tonight, after doing that exercise, I can clearly imagine what my life will look like when I am over him. And I know that that day is coming sooner than I would have thought this morning. Much sooner. I am not saying that there won't be bumps, hiccups, and a huge set back or ten, but I can see that day coming and I am enjoying it right now. --------------------------------------------------------

 

So how do I get back?

Edited September 26, 2013 by AnyaNova

[JoelBarish]

Maybe it's just going to take time and the hope slowly dies off. The last few days I haven't been checking my phone nearly as often. I find myself thinking "what's the point, there won't be a text from her". I also realize that if she does text, it won't be to get back together.

 

I also find myself getting excited about making changes in my life. I've had a lot of personal drama in my life besides the break up. I find myself looking forward to getting a different job and getting a new apartment. I have also lost a bit of weight since the break up (and my ex knows because I saw her last week and she commented on it). Overall I am doing a lot of things I have had on hold for a long time and I am bettering myself. My ex may not have WANTED me when I was at my worst so she won't get to be with me at my best!

 

So Anynova, I think it's just a matter of time and of letting go bit by bit. And of course it helps to look forward and not to look back.

[lovelylilly]

I agree, it just takes time. I have my moments throughout the days and it sucks. I am fine and happy, then I realize I'm fine and happy and I get depressed again. I have gone about three days without crying spontaneously so I think that's a personal achievement . But seriously, I hate it when people tell me to give it time, but there's some truth in it. Sounds like you're making great progress though! Hang in there, best wishes!

[Bito]

Heartbreak Is the longest rollercoaster of your life...

[Darren Steez]

Put it like this. I liked a lady, she was all cool and receptive and then she suddenly changed. I asked her out and she seeing her ex story.

Not so receptive and the mood had changed but I still asked her out knowing this.

 

Point is right now you have hope because you haven't moved on with your life.

You meet someone else and establish a bond with them, you'll find yourself thinking/feeling less for your ex

[HighheelsAries]

Ugly but true: think of him as dead. I did this with my last break up.

It works.

[RespectfullyAlone]

I've had some recent dreams where it was wonderful. She was back! Back in my life, but it was better.

 

During the day, I'll have these moments almost like a premonition, that she will call, I will hear from her. It's all false mind you, but I am not without some hope that she will remember me, or want to come back.

 

But it won't happen unless 1 of 2 things occur. She wants out of her current relationship, or he wants out due to her 3 small children.

 

Having experienced an ex in the past, who was having a very serious secret intense relationship with someone, but started one with me, didn't tell me about it, here I am thinking things are going great, and then bam, she pulls the plug runs back to the other guy and is pregnant and married within a month after leaving me. And fast forward several years, she has kids with the guy, he has a great job, comfortable life, he even rides to work on a Harley which is pretty awesome. But he has a wandering eye, and always has had one. All those years ago, her friends tell this girl don't' marry this guy, he will not be faithful to you, he will leave you. He's way younger than you. He can have his fun with you, and then drop you and pickup a younger girl down the line closer to his age. She still marries the guy.

 

And what do you know, he is a cheater and they separate. And I find out through friends, she has been asking about me, and her friends tell her she should contact me. She hasn't, and I'm glad for that. But she won't or cannot contact me, due to her knowing how much she hurt me, how muc she stuffed things up.

 

It feels good to find this out. And I'm being honest when I say, I am glad she never contacted me, and still was able to find out her regrets over what she did.

 

So when I apply that to my most recent ex, it jives with my dreams and day time "premonitions" that she might come back.

 

But I also believe it's all in my head, I am creating them. She won't come back no matter how much I wish, hope, desire and pray she will.

 

What does one do, accept try to accept what has happened. But it doesn't work so well. I know she's in the arms of another guy, being intimate, planning a wedding soon. It doesn't stop my love for her. I am still hurt, heartbroken, humiliated, and feel empty, but I still love her, and would probably if she was genuine give her another chance. I guess I'm a doormat then. Doomed to have people walk all over me, spread their muck and filth ontop of me.

[AnyaNova]

See, I was all set to like your post, and then you had to go and include that last bit!

 

Take that back! That is not a true statement. You are not a doormat and you aren't here to take other people's you know what.

 

You deserve a good relationship, and God willing, with time and patience you will find one, when you are ready too.

[RespectfullyAlone]

I don't want to feel this way Anya. But you can't fake confidence, and when the power, and other things are ripped away from you so many times, it just takes longer and longer to come back, to where you get to a point and think, maybe I am a loser, maybe I am an unlovable person. Why else would all these people treat me horribly? Are they all horrible persons themselves, YES they are! But that doesn't change the fact, they all broke my heart, left me not because of anything I did, no cheating, no fighting, no issues and I'm being honest here, it's because they were not honest and were involved with someone else at the time they were with me.

 

I can tell me myself I am awesome, I am loveable, I am amazing, someone will see all those qualities one day... and years and years and years go by, and it never happens. It hurts too much to keep up the hope all will be ok in the end. I now think it won't for me. My dreams and wishes, which were achievable, not things like I want to win the lottery, be an astronaut etc., but have a wonderful wife, have kids, lead a nice productive and happy life, they aren't going to happen for me. It doesn't matter how positive I have been, how much work I have put into things, how understanding, forgiving, caring, loving. It hasn't happened, and I am dry of any hope of it happening ever at this point.

[AnyaNova]

How old are you? It might take me a bit to get back to you, I'm going to circumvent my strong desire to contact my ex by immersing myself In a ton of frothy pink bubbles.

 

But, leave at least a small part of your brain for the hope. My ex managed to pull a Jedi mind #*#+ extraordinaire on me. To be fair, as far as I know, I have never been cheated on. I am sorry that it happened to you.

 

I am a 35 year old woman and though I am struggling with this, I am not giving up on finding a good relationship and marriage. I have lots to offer, including being extremely loyal and intelligent.

 

Could you at least list more if your good qualities to counteract that last bit?

 

P.s -- it's not about being PollyAnna ish. How we think about things strongly influences how we feel about the. And our actions

Edited September 29, 2013 by AnyaNova

[RespectfullyAlone]

About to hit 39. Can't think of a time in my life where I have felt so low, so useless and powerless. Age is a factor as you see you have wasted so many years on these jerks who all said they loved you, and you end up alone yet again. You're not as good looking as you once was, that hurts your confidence, and only get hit on by mid 40-50s women. Not where you'd hoped or imagined your life to be at. I should be happily married, have kids already and living life as I had planned and wanted to.

 

I've come to realize, it doesn't matter how much I try, how much I make an effort, how positive I have felt in the past, it's like fate is already written, it's been decided already, and all I am is a passenger who thinks he's got free choice, but in reality, I'm like a leaf in the wind, willing the wind to not blow, but it's blowing anyway.

 

EDIT: My good qualities.

 

- Loyal till the end.

- I have never cheated on my partners. And have had no problems fending off advances of other interested girls. Seems when I'm with someone, I attract more. Maybe it's because I'm the person I know I can truly be, but can't be that person when I'm alone. All the women I have been in relationships with have all asked the same question, how come you are still single? you are amazing, and I won't be giving you up. They keep telling me how wonderful I am, how attentive, how soothed they feel, how whatever things they are worrying about just seem to fade.

- I take it with a grain of salt, but I have been told I'm a great lover. But what girl wouldn't say that to a guy she's making love with.

- Stubborn and determined and I truly believe in doing the right thing, and fighting for what you believe in. Sounds like a contradiction, when I'm in the state I am currently in.

- Romantic. I do pay attention to the little things, the signs, the body language, and doing things I know will will please my partner. I want to be the best I can be, and I want to make her happy as best that I can.

Edited September 29, 2013 by RespectfullyAlone