meandme Posted September 25, 2013 Posted September 25, 2013 Hello. I'm in my early 30's. Male. I got married about 18 months ago. We met and bonded through religious activities. We share a faith that is very strict morally and is very misunderstood by the general population. She was born into this religion, I converted as I was recovering from alcoholism. I was a functioning alcoholic but an alcoholic all the same. Anyway, I am no longer really interested in being a member of this religion. I've read into it a little deeper and have witnessed some of what goes on and really don't want to be a part of it anymore and no longer really believe in their specific principles. She will be very disappointed when this comes to light. Right now I'm just kind of going through the motions.. anyway, I met her when I was at a very low point in my life. Actually we were both at low points. We met, started hanging out, and were married 3 months later. We've been married a year and a half and my life has improved in many areas. I'm still sober and clean and have no real desire to relapse. I've also started to work out and have put on some muscle and am in probably the best shape of my life. I have had a real awakening. I am way more confident than I used to be, I'm more aware, I'm better in almost every way than I was just a few years ago. This is because the work I've put into myself has given me confidence and I can see the progress I've made. My wife on the other hand has went the opposite way. When we got married she almost instantly gained 50 lbs, continually fails to take control of her life. She complains that she has to work (she has multiple children from a previous marriage and has to work to help support them) She doesn't want to work and women in this religion typically do not work. they also typically have children and stay married to their childrens father. Divorce happens but isn't nearly as common in this religion. Everyday she complains about her weight, about her having to work and about our lack of money. We actually do fairly well for ourselves all things considered. We have a decent little house with good amenities, 2 cars, all of our bills are on time every month, etc. She just wants more. She wants money to decorate, to buy her kids gifts frequently etc. to go on family vacations, and all that. These are things everyone wants obviously, but the way the market is being in our position is pretty damn good and i'm thankful. She is not and it's a drag. Anyway, she's not as sexy, not nearly as nice, not as supportive, and not as happy as before we were married. She will do very little in the way of housework and she complains whenever she does anything, she hates having to take her kids anywhere and expects me to do it etc. I can go on and on but I think you can get the picture. I really feel like I made a mistake and if I could go back, there is no way I'd get married to her. Not a chance. I really need to leave or find a way to leave but I'm embarrassed that I made a commitment to her and am ready to back out so quick. I feel like with the control I've taken over my life and my added confidence I could do much better. Women flirt with me quite a bit. I'm pretty decent looking I think especially with the muscle I've added. I look strong and I'm sure I look confident and I can see that people look at me differently now than they used to. I feel like I'm wasting what might be my best chance to attract the kind of woman I want. I hate to sound conceited because I'm not at all. I would never cheat on her. I wouldn't be able to carry the guilt I'd feel. But if I stick with this and we end up divorcing in 10 years or we stay together and I spend the next 30 miserable, I'll never forgive myself for the wasted life. I feel like I'm really at a cross roads and I don't know wtf to do I've tried sooooo soooooo hard to help raise her self esteem and to be supportive of her diets, and stuff but it just doesn't make an impact.
pteromom Posted September 25, 2013 Posted September 25, 2013 But if I stick with this and we end up divorcing in 10 years or we stay together and I spend the next 30 miserable, I'll never forgive myself for the wasted life. Well there you go. From what you've shared, it doesn't sound like she has any good qualities at all. If you feel like being with her is settling, then move on - both for you and for her, because who wants to be with someone who doesn't love or like them? The only other option is to make a conscious decision to change the way you think about and view her. It can be done if you want to, but it doesn't sound like you want to. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted September 25, 2013 Posted September 25, 2013 I think this early in and no kids (of your own) involved, you make a quick decision and go with it. Unlike your religious practices, should you decide to give MC a shot you can't "kind of go through the motions" and get anything of value out of it. You're either all in or all out. If you do leave be prepared to: - be the bad guy in her and her kid's eyes - forfeit any probable chance of a future relationship with them - have her attempt to seize marital assets - lose religious standing - have stress be a potential trigger for your alcohol abuse issues If that's an acceptable price and your mind's made up, sooner rather than later probably best. Keep posting... Mr. Lucky
Author meandme Posted September 25, 2013 Author Posted September 25, 2013 She does have good qualities. She's smart and when she's in a good mood we get along great. We have alot of fun together! When she's happy she's very pleasant to be around...I shouldn't have been all negative that's not fair. Thanks for pointing out that everything was bad in my post. You are correct in pointing that out.
Author meandme Posted September 25, 2013 Author Posted September 25, 2013 I think this early in and no kids (of your own) involved, you make a quick decision and go with it. Unlike your religious practices, should you decide to give MC a shot you can't "kind of go through the motions" and get anything of value out of it. You're either all in or all out. If you do leave be prepared to: - be the bad guy in her and her kid's eyes - forfeit any probable chance of a future relationship with them - have her attempt to seize marital assets - lose religious standing - have stress be a potential trigger for your alcohol abuse issues If that's an acceptable price and your mind's made up, sooner rather than later probably best. Keep posting... Mr. Lucky I agree with everything you said here, and you are absolutely right. I will be the bad guy in their eyes, and frankly it would be deserved. I made a decision without giving it the proper amount of time and in the process involved several lives and hearts, and that's my fault. I will deserve all of the backlash I get from them. That being said, I don't really like her kids to be honest. Her daughter is an absolute sweetheart though and we get along great. I would miss her very much and that would hurt. The other kids I wouldn't mind being the bad guy to them and wouldn't really want a relationship with them past marriage. She could have the marital assets honestly. I don't care about the stuff. I could take my few things I really care about and go. That's not an issue to me. The religious standing I also don't really care about as I'm ready to leave that particular church anyway. The stress could absolutely do that, you're right about that. I think though that I'm strong enough to get through it....but it would be an issue no denying that. My main concern isn't really for me. I know it sounds like it...but I'm concerned about her kids being hurt, and her being hurt. I do feel though sometimes that I'd be doing them a favor in the long run to cut ties sooner than later. She's in her late 30's. If she was single now, maybe she could find someone that is deeper into her religion that subscribes to some of the male / female standards the church sets and that she was raised with and she would be much happier long term. ....
dichotomy Posted September 25, 2013 Posted September 25, 2013 It sounds like you know what you want to do - end things. I don't disagree with this, based on what you wrote. I am sure you have been through the 12 step process for your drinking. You are never curred from this, and it requires constant mointoring and it can come out in other ways than drinking.
CarrieT Posted September 25, 2013 Posted September 25, 2013 You have already emotionally checked out of the marriage and it is easy to see that you have come here to get the approval you are looking for to do so. You have already talked yourself into leaving the relationship. Come to terms with that and start the process.
Copelandsanity Posted September 25, 2013 Posted September 25, 2013 I know you're in a tough spot right now, but I want to commend you for recognizing that cheating on her would be wrong and understanding the consequences. Sounds crazy that human decency could be commendable, but I feel that it is
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