What on earth is she thinking?

[fuzzy]

I must say that I have read almost every post in this forum and it has helped me tremendously! I have also posted some of my problems on here and the help I have received has made me so much better! So thank you for that!

 

But I wander if someone can give me some insight about what on earth my ex is thinking.

 

My situation now is this…it has been over three weeks since my girlfriend split up with me. As she was/is my first true love I have taken it all rather badly. I have been in contact with her up until Monday when I thought I should tell her exactly how I felt about the situation in the nicest possible way…I hate to admit it but I even tried to bring up getting back together. She has told me many times that there was no chance of us getting back together but I thought it was worth one last shot. Towards the end of the conversation she told me that if someone was to ask her out on a date she would accept. Not liking this I said that if that were the case then I would like to practise No Contact and ended the call. Maybe this is a bit immature but having read other people’s posts I thought it was a really good idea as it would give me time to get back on track and then I could contact her when I was good and ready. We had even spoken about this on a number of occasions.

 

However, today I received an email (only 3 days after we agreed no contact) from her and I feel awful again. Not because I have heard from her but because I just have no idea why she had sent it. It started with ‘Hope you are OK and feeling better than you did when we last spoke.’ And then it went on to tell me about everything that is going on in her life with her work etc. It ended with ‘PS: you don't have to respond to this email, just thought I'd let you know what was going on.’

 

So what is this about? I am so confused. I know that she still wants to be friends but I just don’t think I can when she is so cold about the situation. It almost feels like she is rubbing my nose in it, as she was not even asking me how I am.

 

I don’t want to upset her as I do really care for her. What I do want to achieve from NC is to make her realise that I am not going to be messed around and that she can’t get everything she wants from me now that we are no longer together.

 

So guys, what would be your next step and what on earth is she thinking?

[LucreziaBorgia]

It sounds like she is feeling guilty. I'm sure she does care about you - after all you two had a relationship, but it doesn't sound like she is giving any romantic vibes. I'm betting she is just feeling bad for being "the bad guy" in the breakup, and any attempt at telling you she 'wants to be friends' is a way to let herself off easy on the guilt.

 

Unless, of course you are *genuinely* interested in being her friend. Remember - if your buddy tells you that he has met a great person and is going to go on a date with the person, you are happy - right? Well, imagine this girl telling you that. Does it make you unhappy to hear? Then you two really aren't friends - its a one sided way to hold on to something that is no longer there, and a very convenient way for her not to feel guilty about breaking it off with you.

 

If you want the agony to end, you can tell her "you hurt me deeply" and ask her not to contact you any more. If she cares for you, then she will back off and let you get on with your life and begin to put your heart back together.

[fuzzy]

I understand where you are coming from LucreziaBorgia and I do want to be friends in the future and I know that at the moment I do not want contact simply for the reason that she is going to meet someone and if she does in the near future I don't want to be there to hear it. This is the reason why I said to her that I do not want contact with her so that I can wait until I am ready.

 

She also knows how much she has hurt me and she does feel guilty (or so she says).

 

The hard thing about all of this is she says that she knows how I feel because she has been through it before, yet she does not show it...not a single amount of remourse shown since I left. In the past few days I have been feeling 100% better than I was previously. In fact, I don't feel that bad today. It is her motive for sending such a self focused email that I am a little confused and worried about...she knew that I wanted no contact because I have been taking it all so badly.

 

I have pretty much come to terms with the fact that we are no longer going to be together or even see one another especially because I have left the country. But I just don't know why she would want to upset me by sending such a thing. It is not the sort of email you would send to make people feel better. I am sure she had motives for sending it but I just can't figure out the reasons for it.

 

Any Ideas?

[Weird]

she is being selfish because she feels guilty. She didn't send the email for your benefit, she sent it for herself to make her feel better about herself and so she can think "see, I care about him. I'm not so bad." OK, there is the small chance she honestly thought it was a good diea to send the email and had good intentions but more than likely she was just trying to ease her mind knowing she hurt you. I think if you had not been hurt by her/the breakup you never woudl ahve got the email.

 

Keep up the no-contact bro and if she contacts you again tell her to leave you alone. If she gets pissed off at that then you know for sure she is just an immature selfish person.

 

I've gone through a similar situation before dude.

[fuzzy]

Weird

 

I think that you are absolutely correct and that is what I was thinking.

 

In fact last night I was chatting with a friend and he thinks that she is just trying to regain control of the situation. I did not realise it at the time but she was pretty much in control of the whole relationship...wearing the very tight fitting trousers! She is eleven years older than me, has a better job, has her own house etc. and I think that I was just a toy-boy

 

I remember that I did say to her in the early stages of the break-up that if she was to just let me go being happy with no contact, then I obviously don't mean that much to her as a friend. So again Weird you are correct *see, I care about him. I'm not so bad.* gesture of sending the email.

 

I really don't want to lower myself down to her level as I am sure she would love to have no contact and just get on with it. I feel like just playing her although I know that is not the right thing to do. Maybe I should write back to her in a couple of days just to let her know that I am ok and in doing so I will still be in control of the situation.

 

I am going to try and not let things get to me as I have to focus my attention on getting a job, which is a harder thing to do than to worry about the past.

 

It is amazing just how cruel and selfish people can be. I gave everything to her and now I am left with nothing...did not even get a second chance to work at the relationship. She said that most of the time relationships never offer a second chance...is this correct?

[Weird]

Damn dude, you were her boy-toy? That kinda sucks but were you at least using her as your sugar mama? I'd guess no since you seem to actually CARE about her and the relationship. Sucks to feel used, doesn't it?

 

I say you do this....send a quickie email saying you are doing ok and you would appreciate it if you two didn't communicate for a while but down the line you would like to be friends with her. Tell her that when you are ready to hang/talk as friends you will contact her. If you send that and she gets bitchy, well, again, you will know where she stands and is selfish.

 

Sadly, I think msot relationships don't offer second chances and that is retarded. We live in an age where it is easier and more convenient for people to run away from relationshps when things get even a tiny bit rocky than it is for people to actually WORK THINGS OUT. Also, we live in an age where the general mentality of society (influenced by tv, magazines, etc) is that there is something better out there or that you need to be with tons of people so why stay in a good relationship? Go expeirence change

 

That mentality bugs the crap out of me but it sadly exists.

 

Dude my ex took the running away route when things weren't perfect/convenient and I never did anything bad in the relationship.. She couldn't handle even trying to work the slightest things out and instead decided to just take the easy path. Pissed me off but awhile after we broke up I realized that hey, it is her problem not mine and she is in a world of hurt in the future if she doesnt change her ways and that amde me smile because I know I was willing to work things out and gives things a chance. After over a year of no contact we got back in touch to try and be friends and sure enough, she was the same way as before meaning she can't handle dealign with anything. She also has turned into a robot who is obsessed with her job and doesn't seem to acre about actual human relationships, be them firendships or romantic. It's sad to see someone who once was so great and has so much potential turn out to be so weird. The only good thing about this failed friendship was that I had as low expectations as you could have for someone so when it failed I was not all that surprised, hurt, or anything else since I felt it would not work out...but believe me, I tried to have it work but jsut as romantic relationships, friendshps take two people to make work and while she said she wanted tobe friends, her actions did not back her words.

 

I will not say you shouldn't try being friends with your ex down the line but just realize it has a high chance of not working out. I have always felt exes in most cases can't be friends but I tried to do it anyway and sure enough, I proved my own point. To all the people who can have good friendships with their exes....more power to them.

[fuzzy]

You are so right Weird! She was my Sugar Mama! Well at first anyway.

 

Over the timeI was with her I never saw her age and perhaps it is starting to dawn on me now that maybe she was too old. I look back at the experiences I have learned from her and most of them are great. However, there are things that I am thinking about now that I wish that I had never got involved with her for.

 

I am not really that worried about getting back with her anymore because I am pretty sure that we will never get back together. That is not what hurts the most. Instead I am sad about the things that I left behind, the things we shared, the things I worked so hard on. She has definately come out smelling of sweet roses as she still has all of the above...my/our things. All I came out with are memories and a car full of junk - not a lot to show for two years.

 

To be honest I don't think I can be friends with her and I know this sounds very selfish...I don't think that I will get anything from it. I am already fairly disinterested about her life. But I don't know what it is that keeps me holding on...maybe I just want to show her in the future that I am a good, successful person. I just don't know. I know that she does say that she wants to be friends but the way that she has delt with me has not been very friendly.

 

I think that I will send her a short email that does not say a whole lot. It is probably not the right move but I just don't think I am the sort of person that can just walk away, although I wish I was.

 

It is funny because I am normally such a mature person but since all of this has happened I feel that I have acted in such a childish way. I should have accepted it from the start and just walked out of the door and never looked back. I think it is strange how love and break-ups can turn normal rational humans into mentalist children!

[Weird]

I hear ya on that. For me it is the frustration. My ex frustrated the crap out of me after the break-up (and a lil before it happened when things were rocky) because there I was trying to actually work things through and she was acting like an 8 year by trying to avoid everything. It pissed me off and sometimes I acted in a way (somewhat immature) I didn't plan to and that bugs me too because like you, I'm usually a fairly mature person.

 

I hear ya on coming out of a relationship with basically nothing but memories and the feeling of being used. Sucks. I also hear you on not so much wanting to be friends but just sort fo showing her what she is missing. As for being disinterested in her life, dude, in the 2 months my ex and I tried to be friends all she talked to me about was her work. She took me out to dinner last week for my birthday and I wanted to kill myself because I was so bored. It was work work work work and she would ask me about stuff going on in my life an when I told her she didn't seem to be listening. It was pretty pathetic and was the final straw for me as the 2 months previous to that I kept dealing with it because I figured hey, maybe she'll actually show some interest but she didn't. She was not treating me like a friend but if she thinks she was, then I feel sorry for her other friends.

 

Sending a little email won't be too bad so I say go for it.

 

Out of curiosity, how old are you and how old is your ex?

[kisslaboca]

Hi fuzzy,

Im in a similar situation as you guys. Was dumped. My ex just came out of the blue with this b.s. and well, was very hurtfull for me, you can read some of my first threads to get an idea. In any case, he too felt guilty about how he handled things. Sounded just like your ex by the little email things of contacting me, and me just wondering why the f? But, Weird's interpretation of your own situation totally rang a bell with me. In fact, in the heat of an intense conversation post breakup my ex said himself he was not sure if int hat moment he felt love or guilt. Well....if you have to ask yourself that question the answer is preety self evident, isn't it?

 

In any case, it has been a few months for me. I also went through many of the feelings you are writing about. I have also thought of writing the idiot, of answering an email he wrote me just like the type of your ex's email. I felt it was for his own benefit not mine, to show and feel "Im not such a bad guy after all" and ease his guilt. I don't know if it is the same with your girl. Well, we may never know 100% cause we are not in her head and I don't know her. However, what we do know and what you lived through was this mayor dumping without consideration for your feelings and what you 2 had shared. She even said she doesn't believe in giving relationships a 2nd chance. So... what the heck are you there for? Why write to her?

 

Don't give me the friendship thing, deep down you know that right now you cannot handle that. AND you may say in the future, but honestly you may say that now, but once your feelings are more settled, like mine are after a few months, things become a lot more clear to you, and you beging to see her bitchy actions for what they really where. When you realize the disconsiderate way that this person treated you, free of cocktail of rollercoaster feelings you are having now, i bet ya you won't be so willing to be her friend. I say stick to taking care of you, giving yourself importance and leave the frienship thing for later.

 

Don't play games with her, don't write her back "to be in control" You are not in control, you have just been dumped. Accept it. You are hurt, your pride totally stepped on, and what you need to do is put this B***H in her rightful place by respecting yourself above all. You know what is worst than hate? Indiference. Give her that. Put yourself steem up. It seems she is older, more in control than you. Don't write her, that is exactly what she expects or wants. If you do not, she may start wondering....uhmmm, what happened to so and so, I have written and he has ignored me. Don't fool your self into believing that right now you can be on a par with her as far as the control, you don't have it, and you won't long as you keep your self close to this whole relationship dinamic. It will bring you down.

 

So, you write to her, you answer her back....I've done it. You feel in control for about 10 minutes. Then in a few hours there you are checking your email, and the next day, and the day after,etc. cause whether you want to or not once you write, for whatever the reasons, YOU WILL EXPECT AN ANSWER! OR WILL WANT ONE and will keep checking your email and will feel desapointment if she doesn't write back, or if she writes back something too simple, which is the most likely. Believe you me, as they say.

 

If I were you I will keep away from this person. I think she played you, and as long as you are around you will still be her boy toy---that is the dinamic that you have established and a breakup, as dignified as you may feel now, makes you 200% more vulnerable to that type of dinamic again, you are just too vulnerable, its a human thing.

 

I suggest you open your eyes, this woman used you and abused you and dumped you bad. Show her and yourself that you are worth too much for that kind of treatment. Why not get yourself a young, sexy, vixen. A woman with softer, firmer skin and body parts, more beautiful... that is a better way to "be in control" than spending another second wondering if to answer and email that to her was a something that she may not have given a 2nd thought too.

 

Look, take this from personal experience, if they want you back, no matter what they tell you at first, and no matter how you act, they will want you back and try to get you. If you don't believe me, read this forum and others like it. There are actually some dumpers that come in here and regret with their lives what they have done. It has also happened to me with my ex. He came to fetch me after 6 months of breakup, he had left me and then realized his mistake, he also swore never to get back with me...whatever. Feelings are complex, and change and sometimes people need time and to experience life in order to realize the good they had. But they are not likely to do that in the midst of all the post breakup crazy feeling rollercoaster, or temporary relieve for the dumpers. You won't want her back for guilt in the first place. Besides, I think a lot of what you have expressed here have to do with a hurt ego, and broken pride. I know it because I have and feel the same. So work on that, on beefing your self steem up, she stepped on it and did the polka, now you show your self your worth and eventually she will take notice. That will get to her, believe me.

 

Oh, and the frienship thing... leave that to the future. Honestly, this is not the best time to decide. You don't even know your feelings in the next 2 hours or even tomorrow do you? You have this whole rollercoaster thing going on. Just don't bother with it. Right now, you cannot make a sound decision. In the future, when you are ready you will, and will make the right now. Right now it is worthless to give that any importance.

 

 

Again, don't buy into the fantasy that if you don't contact her, and get lost you will loose her. Nope. Went they want back they find ya. Aren't you willing to do anything, even though she wants nothing to do with you and has treated you like sh*t? Its just how it is when you want someone back, and it works for dumpers too if they ever wnat you back, cause its a human thing. Trust that they want to they will find a way. That is their job. Your only job now is to take care of your self, and to give your self the emotional and mental space to recover and to work out all these crazy emotions without them running the show and humiliating your self to her.

 

Try to give yourself 4 months no contact, you will see what a different man you are. She wouldn't have gone anywhere, but your self steem will have gone way up than from where it is now. And if you decide to contact her you will be in a better, stronger position mentatlly.

 

Just detach from her, 100% is the only way to heal and the only way that she will come back to you, if there is any chance of that, with you on top, not her little boy toy that answers any meaningless email she sends even after he said no contact. Make her respect you, she already fooled with you enought. Show her you are a man, not her boy toy!

[fuzzy]

HA! I knew the question of age would come into it! I'm 26 and she is 37. I must point out that I am an old 26 in terms of maturity...I think?

 

The thing that frustrated me the most is when I tried to question any of her motives she just said that we are going around in circles...Looking at it she is so bloody selfish! Even when I was still there questioning her she avoided my questions by crying. I am the sort of person who likes to have the facts in front of me but without them it is just anoying and it takes me longer to move on as I am always questioning.

 

Now that I am living in another country I really don't think that I will go and see her unless I have a valid reason for visiting the country other than to see her. I can't imagine going out for a birthday meal with her! BTW Happy birthday for last week! It sounded like the evening sucked!

 

kisslaboca!

 

Wow! What a response!

 

I think that you must know me as you have hit every nail on the head!

 

You are right, that she does not want to give me a second chance so writing back to her would be a little pointless. Again I would like to say that if she came running back to me saying that she'd made a mistake, I would not like to take her back. However, I think everyone who has been dumped must really want the other party to change their minds. I seriously don't think that I could go back though. I have told too many people that I was leaving to start afresh and to go back now would seem to me like I had failed. Instead now I know I am in a good situation with the world at my feet.

 

Surely I am stuck because either way if I do or don't write I would be playing a game. I know if I don't then it will not be the obvious move and if I do then she'll be expecting it. I know that I have to think of myself but you must know just how difficult that is.

 

I have to say that you are sooooo right about the checking emails and waiting for a response etc! as I know that is what I would end up doing.

 

I am doing my best to take control of the situation and I must say that I am doing so much better now. I try not to tell myself that she has been selfish, a b*tch, etc because deep down I don't want to believe it. I don't ever see that she had treated me badly before the break-up and it is only after that I am told by friends and family that maybe she was.

 

Aghhhh!

 

I wish I had never met her!

[Weird]

I'm 26 too. Note that I was just curious of the age (the 11 year age diff thing mostly) and was not trying to imply anything regarding maturity or whatever. I too tend to think I'm a pretty mature 26 year old.

 

yeah the dinner stunk...thanks for the belated bday wish though.

 

Kisslaboca touched on something when talking about how even if you don't care if she replies you will probably deep down want a reply and not know it. I still think it owuld be fine if you emailed her back but to do that you'd have to be 100% certain you would not care if she replies back or anything. The best reply would be this:

 

"I'm doing fine"

 

I think if you really wanted to get her thinking and wondering sending a 3 word reply like that would get her curious. Then after you send that email don't read or reply back to any of her emails.

 

I personally would do that but that is jsut me. I see no probs with not replying back to her as well. Do whatever you feel is right to do and which would be the easiest on your mind:)

[Trashman]

...and I think that I was just a toy-boy

 

But did you hit it?

 

Weird, with all due respect, I think "I'm doing fine" is blatantly short. Sorta, I'm baiting you to respond kinda short. I think "I'm doing fine, thanks for asking. I hope you're doing well too." adds an almost obligatory element to it, sorta like, damn I HAVE to respond with at least two sentences... what can I say? What CAN I say? Sorta like it's forced as in you don't really want to waste a lot of time typing yet you feel obligated to at least wish the same for her. I think this will get her pondering the situation more than the other and sends a more obvious you're nothing more to me than any other person kinda attitude.

 

EDIT- damn I didn't realize this thread was so old. Curse that Similar Threads section!

[sanne]

in a way i'm kind of glad that i've ended most of my relationships on bad terms (though I don't recommend this to anyone). it saves me from the pain of hearing from my ex's through those little status report emails. if anything, i'll get the "your such a conceited coward" txt messages like a month after the breakup.