EdG Posted September 25, 2013 Posted September 25, 2013 My girlfriend broke up with me a few weeks ago because I got argumentative and rude when I saw her being chatted up at the bar on a night out. 4 months previous I had got blind drunk at a wedding and cheated (I didn't sleep with anyone) on her. I admitted my mistake and after a lot of talking she decided our potential as a couple was worth giving it another shot. If I am honest I think that's where the trust stopped. She no longer trusted me and alcohol. She no longer trusted me full stop (made me delete femail friends on Facebook and checked my Facebook regularly). Stopped me going on a stag weekend, etc. I started to compromise a lot to ensure we could get back to how things were. I also became insecure (as displayed when I overreacted at the bar) as I wondered if she could ever trust me again, would she eventually resent me for what I did, fall out of love and then leave me/cheat on me too. We haven't spoken for 2 weeks. I miss her terribly. She mentioned a few times "maybe you can come back to me when you've sorted out your drinking problem", and then "maybe we can meet next week and talk". She didn't sound like she meant it. She wanted me to beg for forgiveness I think and plead to be given another chance. I already did this when we broke for the first time. My actions meant we had a relationship without trust. I regret what I did so badly. I've been cheated on before, but I can honestly say that doing the cheating is worse. The guilt is unbelievable. I am glad I told her, but I wonder whether I should of not as after all it was just kiss (perhaps more, but no sex) that I couldn't remember and had no intention of doing. If I hadn't of told her would we be in a happy relationship now (?), rather than have broken up due to a lack of trust on both sides. But could you live with yourself knowing that something happened which the girl you love doesn't know about? The relationship has now been over for 3 weeks (2 weeks of no contact). I feel rubbish! I am trying to put my mistake behind me, but know that it's your mistakes that have ruined the relationship is so hard to live with! I guess the best attitude would be to recognise the mistakes, promise yourself that you'll never make them again and apologies to those hurt as a consequence. I've apologiesed to her multiple times, but I am considering writing her a letter which I'll send on her birthday in a few weeks. I'd like to wish her happy birthday, but also apologise again for the mistakes I made and that things didn't work out. I have had time to reflect on what I did and how the relationship failed and although we've talked about it when we first broke up I think we've both now had time to reflect and see things from a different perspective. However, do I do this, or should I remain no contact? She may not want to hear from me again. With her new perspective she may now dislike me/want nothing to do with me? I think I'll man up and send her my letter, but be preparred to be ignored. What do you think? We were together 10 months. Not long, but long enough to love each other a lot! Thanks!
todreaminblue Posted September 25, 2013 Posted September 25, 2013 don't leave the letter unsent.....you feel it in your heart to send the letter send it...even if she doesnt want to be with you she should see that your apology is heartfelt and accept it.............dont send it if you think its a way to get her back......or make the fighting stop, only do it if you mean it and then whatever you send is worthwhile and true remorse for what you did to hurt her is never a bad move ...its the right thing to feel...........and its right to tell her so.......good luck .....hope that whatever happens is the best outcome for both of you....deb 1
darkmoon Posted September 25, 2013 Posted September 25, 2013 (edited) "maybe you can come back to me when you've sorted out your drinking problem" - she said it because she wants to tell you it, you are against accepting it, sorry, but it is a bad point in her eyes, in her eyes, not yours Edited September 25, 2013 by darkmoon 1
Author EdG Posted September 25, 2013 Author Posted September 25, 2013 Darkmoon, thanks for your reply. I am not sure what you mean though, can you explain? Thanks!
darkmoon Posted September 25, 2013 Posted September 25, 2013 (edited) Darkmoon, thanks for your reply. I am not sure what you mean though, can you explain? Thanks! sorry, but in my pretty much one/two syllable worded reply - what word's meaning do you not know? you quote her objecting to your drinking, I am responding to that Edited September 25, 2013 by darkmoon
Author EdG Posted September 25, 2013 Author Posted September 25, 2013 I've read your response over a few times, I've got it. You're right, she didn't like my behaviour whilst drinking. I don't need to stop drinking for good, I am not alchohol dependent, but I do need to be more responsible and moderate my drinking to ensure I don't make the same mistakes I've been making whilst drinking of late. Thanks for your posts. 1
darkmoon Posted September 25, 2013 Posted September 25, 2013 (edited) I've read your response over a few times, I've got it. You're right, she didn't like my behaviour whilst drinking. I don't need to stop drinking for good, I am not alchohol dependent, but I do need to be more responsible and moderate my drinking to ensure I don't make the same mistakes I've been making whilst drinking of late. Thanks for your posts. a word to the wise > never mention drink again, not til it is somebody's birthday or celebration of some kind, then have one or two to prove that you are in control, then say "do you mind if I have a drink to celebrate just one or two to join in the festivities and that's it, you can see I do not care about drink" or words to that effect, butter her up/turn on the charm, tell her your are teetoal the "I'm not alcohol dependent" is a lil belligerent, a lil too unaccepting, given the circumstances of your split, be teetotal instead, a saint sorry, but some women view drinkers as terrible long-term partners, the expense of going to bars, the incoherent convos, the loneliness of staying in as baby-sitter when hubby goes out drinking, you are not silly, you know all this, I'm sure certainly some mothers watch out for their daughters' best interests and tell them to be careful, so it is not me that you have to listen to or please xx Edited September 25, 2013 by darkmoon 1
Author EdG Posted October 24, 2013 Author Posted October 24, 2013 Thanks Deb, I sent the birthday email and got a nice reply from her straight away. We haven't spoken since. I don't think we will until a point comes in the future when perhaps we feel we can just be friends. I've been moderating my drinking and plan to continue to do so. High time I grew up a little. Thanks for your help. a word to the wise > never mention drink again, not til it is somebody's birthday or celebration of some kind, then have one or two to prove that you are in control, then say "do you mind if I have a drink to celebrate just one or two to join in the festivities and that's it, you can see I do not care about drink" or words to that effect, butter her up/turn on the charm, tell her your are teetoal the "I'm not alcohol dependent" is a lil belligerent, a lil too unaccepting, given the circumstances of your split, be teetotal instead, a saint sorry, but some women view drinkers as terrible long-term partners, the expense of going to bars, the incoherent convos, the loneliness of staying in as baby-sitter when hubby goes out drinking, you are not silly, you know all this, I'm sure certainly some mothers watch out for their daughters' best interests and tell them to be careful, so it is not me that you have to listen to or please xx
reddragon588 Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 I've read your response over a few times, I've got it. You're right, she didn't like my behaviour whilst drinking. I don't need to stop drinking for good, I am not alchohol dependent, but I do need to be more responsible and moderate my drinking to ensure I don't make the same mistakes I've been making whilst drinking of late. Thanks for your posts. I've been there and said this exact same thing. Consider deep down if you're really just able to "moderate".
forgetmenot75 Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 Mm time for you to stop with this madness. You cheated, she cheated, you have alcohol problems, she doesn't trust you anymore... Too much things going on here! Yo need to be sane first, and then you can try again with her. Resolve you issues and see if this relationship is worth it 1
Zahara Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 I've read your response over a few times, I've got it. You're right, she didn't like my behaviour whilst drinking. I don't need to stop drinking for good, I am not alchohol dependent, but I do need to be more responsible and moderate my drinking to ensure I don't make the same mistakes I've been making whilst drinking of late. Thanks for your posts. "I'm not alcohol dependent." That's what they always say. "Moderate" is relative. What is moderate to you, may not be for her.
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