My NC story, mistakes, ?

[Stealth3]

Hi everyone, I've been reading these forums for a few days but posting for the first time. I feel I would get some relief if I post my story here as I'm like many of you here.

 

A little bit of background:

 

I've been dating this girl for about 5 months and they she decided to break up with me unexpectedly one day even though that morning she said she loved me. It was the first time she said she loved me. She was crying the whole time and said it wasn't me, it was her and she needed time to focus on her work. She was being stressed out during that period and she decided the best thing to do was to break up. I tried to reason with her, cried and pleaded to fix everything and none of that worked. She left and I called a few hours later to see how she was doing. She was crying and I asked her why, I thought that's what she wanted. She said she doesn't want to break up with me anymore and she made a mistake. So we got back together and that lasted for another 4 months.... In the meantime we had some minor problems and I took her for granted even though I really cared. I felt like I didn't show her that we had a future together, but we had fun and we enjoyed each other's company. She told me she loved me and even started talking about her family and that they would like me.

 

Out of the blue she breaks up with me again, this time claiming that its not me, its her. It was really devastating as a few days before she told me she really liked me. During the breakup she said that she wasn't happy and she was meaning to do this for a long time and she just wants to be friends. I called her right away, pleaded and cryed and it got me nowhere. I wanted to understand why and it was hurting me really bad. I just needed to know why. The next day I called her and she said she missed me and was looking at the phone all day wanting to call me. I asked for a reason and after begging and begging she said that she felt she was settling for less with me and she wanted to date other people. I didn't take it too well and I sent her some bad texts that night telling her good luck and good riddance. The next day, I called her because I wanted to talk to her and I wanted to let her know all the problems from my point of view, I wanted her to know what I've been thinking. She didn't pick up after calling a few times and I left some voice mails telling her everything and letting it all out. I told her about all the times I should have broken up with her because of one problem or another but didn't because I wanted to make it work...and I said some nasty stuff that I shouldn't have said. I called her again after the last voicemail and she picked up saying she was out with friends and didn't want to pick up because she thought I would feel bad. I asked her to call me later that night because I needed to go somewhere and she said she will. Well, she never did....probably because she listened to the voice mails.

 

I called her the next day and she didn't pick up at first but she picked up after the second call. She called me a jerk and said I really hurt her with my voice mail and she is glad she did what she did and doesn't even know if she wants to be friends anymore. Then she told me to stop calling and that we will never talk again and that she wont pick up if I call. Well, I called a few more times a few hours later and she picked up, we talked and I told her how I'm moving on but I would still like to meet up with her and talk to her. After that, she kept on ignoring me..... I wen't NC for about a week then bought her a gift that she always wanted and went to her apartment to give it to her. At first she didn't want to open the door because her room mates kept on telling her not to. Eventually she came out and met me and we talked for about 30 mins. I told her I really want to fix everything, but she was reluctant to try again. She was crying the whole time and I had the feeling that she still had feelings for me. At first she didn't want to take my gift but I convinced her to take it as my way of saying thank you. She told me her roommates have been screwing with her head and that she needed time and cant promise anything. We parted ways and she told me to never go there again.....

 

Then I went NC for a little over 3 weeks until today.....I asked her if she ever sees us back together and she said no then she said she shouldn't have picked up because I keep on bringing the relationship. Then I sent her some texts, told her how I felt and I let her know that we can still fix everything, its all workable.

Haven't talked to her since and not sure what to do.... I really care and want to be with her. I know that we can fix it all, we weren't having any major problems. No cheating involved, we were always treating each other in a good way. We had some minor issues, but nothing too serious.

 

A little more info: I'm pretty sure there is no other guy involved at all and I'm pretty sure she hasnt been dating at all since we broke up.

 

Right before the breakup, I got a job offer in a different state and a day before she asked me if I will take the job. I told her yes if the pay is good. I brought it up but she insisted that it had nothing to do with her decision. I think it does because after that she started acting more cold and then broke up. In the past she said she would be moving with me eventually if I get that job. Also, she asked all her friends for advice before breaking up and I'm sure they had a lot of influence on her. I was interested in moving for that position before meeting her (9 months ago) but I never intended on just leaving her. I didn't want to dump her, I always wanted to work out something with her because I really cared.

 

Anyway, sorry for the long read. When I met her, I felt that she still had feelings for me yet on the phone she claims to have moved on and acts like she doesn't care about me. Now she doesn't pick up anymore but I told her how I felt and that she knows how to reach me....

I don't know what I should do, I said to myself that until the day I move for my new job, I will try hard to make it work but now I'm not sure anymore. I feel that doing NC forever will just make her to never call me and I guess I wanted to work things out.

 

What do you guys think? I felt I did every mistake out there but I didn't just want to move on. I wanted to fix everything and I thought she would give me that chance. Now I just wished I moved on...instead I kept on hurting myself.

 

Thanks

[Philosoraptor]

Sounds like in her head she was already letting go and once you got the job offer that was enough of a reason to her to let go and start moving on. Take the job offer if you want and move, it'll make healing easier.

 

"I feel that doing NC forever will just make her to never call me and I guess I wanted to work things out." says it all. It takes two people to make a relationship work, and it seems that you are pretty sure of you being the only one willing to put in that effort.

[Chi townD]

Yep! Time to move on dude.

 

Take the job if it's going to be better for you. Start fresh. A new beginning. Unfortunately, she doesn't want to be a part of that.

 

And when you move, DO NOT tell her you're leaving...just go. You don't owe her an explanation or even a goodbye. She already took care of that when she dumped you.

 

Right now, with all of the insane contact you did, I can pretty much guarantee you that her roommates have her convinced that you are an unstable douche rocket.

 

So, go NC on her and do me a favor, BLOCK HER ON FACEBOOK! I know you still have access to her page...block her.

[Stealth3]

 

I'm starting to feel better even since I've been dumped by this girl, a little over a month ago. I'm still not completely over her....NC for almost a week and 3 weeks before then....

 

When I last saw her, almost a month ago, she was crying and I got the feeling that she still had feelings for me....it seemed as if I broke up with her, not the other way around.

 

Last time we talked on the phone, she sounded fine and said she is over me and moved on....and never sees us together again. Don't know if its true or not, if she meant it or not or if it even matters.

 

I don't know if she will ever come back or even if I want her back ever again. But I do miss her and I don't think there are any red lines that prevent us from working everything out (She never cheated on me, I don't think she's been with anyone since our breakup either).

 

I just want to move on and I find it hard......What should I do to move on faster? Should I ever take her back if the opportunity comes?

[melell]

This is the trouble with contact at the start, even if it is every now and then. I would ignore any signals you have been given since the breakup. People change tremendously from week to week, one minute they may feel sad and miss you, the next they couldn't care less.

It is so important to remember this.

 

I honestly think the only time you can trust someones advances is after several months or longer, when they have really moved on from all the emotions.

 

If in say 6 months time they come back to you and say something like 'I love you, miss you, never stopped thinking about you, I will do anything I can to fix this', then sure consider it if you still feel the same. But be very very careful.

 

Nothing that happens this soon is worth paying attention to, it can change in a heartbeat.

[Stealth3]

Yeah, I need to move on. It's just that I thought she had no feelings left before since she acted like it on the phone and didn't want to talk and refused to meet. When I did finally see her by going to her door to give her something, we talked for 30 mins and she was a mess. She was crying a lot and looked sad and it seems she still had feelings for me.

 

So that's why I am confused. But I guess I need to stop thinking about all those things since they don't matter. I just know that if a long time goes by, I don't think I will want her back.........so my thought was to make it work if there is still something there. But like you said, I should just go NC and focus on myself.

[melell]

It makes it so hard I know. When my ex left for days before he was either really loving, or completely heartless. One minute asking us to stay together but live apart, the next minute he was over it for good and that was that.

 

In the week following him moving out he came over, cried said he loved me hugged me etc. Then ignored me. Then came back to collect stuff, was cold and distant, but the next day text and said he wanted to see me again.

 

At a month broken up he called me and left a message asking how I was doing etc.

 

Then nothing.

 

Just try to remember that at this point they are going through a process too, so you can't really take too much notice of what they do. Just do you for now.

[Stealth3]

I asked my ex if she wanted to grab lunch a few days ago and she didn't pick up, but texted me right away saying she has to study for review at school and can't talk right now and that she is sorry.

 

I am leaving out of state and would like to talk to her before I go and say goodbye.

 

The fact that she responded right away, is that a good sign? We broke up a little over a month ago and she ignored me initially for a while since I was begging to meet her and talk things over.

[joe86]

Well it certainly isn't bad, but by itself doesn't carry any meaning. Have some patience & wait for her to get in touch if you can. That's what I'm doing with a similar situation anyway

[Stealth3]

The problem is.... im moving away in less than a month. And unless we sort it out before then, I doubt anything will ever work out and its over.

[reddragon588]

Think less about the timeframe she responded and more about what she said, which is no.

[hestheone66]

She must know this. If she does and no urgency then she sees no future. If u are miving away there realistically is no future either..sorry. Sounds like she wants clean break no drama

[Stealth3]

There is a future if we work it out, she can move in with me.

[reddragon588]

There is a future if we work it out, she can move in with me.

 

That's not a future... you're too focused on the past. If it works out it works out. You're about to start a new chapter though. Focus on that chapter. If your ex writes herself into the story, then so be it. But you can't keep re-reading the last chapter.

[Stealth3]

Thanks for the input, you are right. I need to focus on myself and forget the past. I was hoping to try to talk to her before I go, to try to tell her there is a chance....but when I go I go and the past will be the past. Guess she made her mind up and if she ever changes her mind, I will be long gone. It saddens me, because I know there is a way but you are right, I can't hurt myself my living in the past.

[reddragon588]

because I know there is a way but you are right

 

If there is a way, it will happen no matter what. I have always struggled with things I can't control, maybe you do or maybe you don't, but we have to realize that if it's meant to be, it will happen. It's not just a cliche saying, it's true. But you can't force it.