Self injury scars?

[Bubberfly]

If you started dating someone and found out they had self-injured (but no longer do) would that be a deal breaker? What if their scars were extensive (i.e., all along their legs, stomach, arms, hands)?

[coolheadal]

Depends on what had motivated them to do so? Let me give you example. This is true story. I use to go too school with a girl name Lori. Now Lori was really nice half/Italian/half Irish friend girl. The only issue was when it came to her boy friend she really wanted to be soul mates with him. So Lori use a knife on herself and cut deep into her forearm her boyfriend first name which was Pablo.

 

Lori was young so was I at the time, but still I did had asked her why she did and she said because she loved him. So I know today everyone likes to tattoo their loves of life on them. But there are rare cases that more go beyond that.

 

See if you know someone like Lori or guy you know that use the knife or razor blade to cut or carve up his skin for no reason. You would have to ask them why they did or or better yet leave them alone. Mental state of these people is very hard to prejudge them today.

 

If the scares bother you then more on or just don't let them do. This is something you need to decide on your own. It's a matter of choice.

[Misfortune]

I knew people in high school that would use erasers to burn(?) their names into their arms.

 

OP- it's to what you can deal with. I personally wouldn't get involved with someone who self harms or use to. I would guess that they have serious baggage to hand me.

[coolheadal]

I didn't prejudge Lori back then we had stayed very good friends until the end of the school cycle was over.

 

The OP said they don't do it any longer, but the OP has to decided whether that is true or not?

 

I still feel we all shouldn't prejudge they people who do this but we all should help them figure out why they did. Or just let it go or just move on but first give them a chance though.

[HokeyReligions]

If you started dating someone and found out they had self-injured (but no longer do) would that be a deal breaker? What if their scars were extensive (i.e., all along their legs, stomach, arms, hands)?

The scars wouldn't bother me at all. How did you find out? Did they tell you? Did they tell you they stopped or is it an assumption on your part?

 

You don't have to answer these are just questions on which I would base my opinion.

 

If they confided they did self harm and that the quit I would accept that and express my concern for their well being. Let them know I sincerely am concerned for them. If we continued to date I would gently ask for more info or let them know I would keep their confidence and offer support. Eventually I would hope they trust me with more info but if they didn't it would bother me - unless it became evident the injuring continued.

 

If it was all assumption or heresay I might ask how they got the scars. If they chose not to say I would let it go until we got to know each other better.

[Bubberfly]

The scars wouldn't bother me at all. How did you find out? Did they tell you? Did they tell you they stopped or is it an assumption on your part?

 

You don't have to answer these are just questions on which I would base my opinion.

 

If they confided they did self harm and that the quit I would accept that and express my concern for their well being. Let them know I sincerely am concerned for them. If we continued to date I would gently ask for more info or let them know I would keep their confidence and offer support. Eventually I would hope they trust me with more info but if they didn't it would bother me - unless it became evident the injuring continued.

 

If it was all assumption or heresay I might ask how they got the scars. If they chose not to say I would let it go until we got to know each other better.

 

I was vague purposefully. I myself was the cutter, I started at a young age (8 and quit when I was 18. I'm 28 now). I've been through therapy, am pretty well rounded and sane LOL. I have covered most of them with tattoos (not a SOs name though

 

Unfortunately, with all the tattoo covering, time to heal, and Vitamin E I use, they are still very obvious since I have fair skin. I'm not even insecure about them and have never bothered to hide them.

 

Me myself, I liken it to alcoholics who have been dry for years. Yes, they had problems, the problem will always exist, but that doesn't mean they're alcoholics now. Only difference to me is that their livers aren't on display haha

 

 

I was purely curious about how people would feel about their presence (the scars) in a dating scenario

[acrosstheuniverse]

I used to self-harm from the ages of 13-17 and have about thirty scars all along my left forearm, they've never been an issue for me. To be fair, they're not really too noticeable unless you're looking for them and then suddenly they're as clear as day. If I tan a little they become super obvious because the scar tissue stays white.

 

It has never been a problem, if people ask I just tell them the truth: I was going through a really rough time, it helped me to cope, and then I stopped. I believe I'll always have a self-destructive tendency but now I try and channel it in other, less permanent ways. Even in my darkest times I've not self-harmed in the past eight years. If a guy judged me for that I'd be glad that I had been shown his nature sooner rather than later, somebody who judges something like that, or mental health issues etc. is not a person for me.

[salparadise]

If a guy judged me for that I'd be glad that I had been shown his nature sooner rather than later, somebody who judges something like that, or mental health issues etc. is not a person for me.

 

Seriously? You have the expectation that mental health should simply be overlooked? Every time I think I've heard it all on this forum I get surprised yet again. Mental health is at the top of the list for, well, the mentally healthy... and people who want a loving, stable, drama-free relationship. I guess my notion that everyone wants that is too much of an assumption.

[HeartDesires]

No it wouldn't be a deal breaker as long as they have stopped doing it and are in therapy.

 

I once dating a man who had self injured himself with cigarette burns all around one ankle, there must have been about 50 of them.

 

I felt saddened to see the very visible scars.

 

When I asked him the reason, he told me he had done it because the physical pain was better than the emotional pain.

[amaysngrace]

Seriously? You have the expectation that mental health should simply be overlooked? Every time I think I've heard it all on this forum I get surprised yet again. Mental health is at the top of the list for, well, the mentally healthy... and people who want a loving, stable, drama-free relationship. I guess my notion that everyone wants that is too much of an assumption.

 

There's a word for people who think the way that you do.

 

It's called "denial"

[salparadise]

There's a word for people who think the way that you do.

 

It's called "denial"

 

 

Uh, if you say so. You're obviously the expert.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Seriously? You have the expectation that mental health should simply be overlooked? Every time I think I've heard it all on this forum I get surprised yet again. Mental health is at the top of the list for, well, the mentally healthy... and people who want a loving, stable, drama-free relationship. I guess my notion that everyone wants that is too much of an assumption.

 

No, not overlooked at all... I'd be happy if a guy brought it up and asked why I'd hurt myself, or whether I still did it etc. it's not something that can or should be swept under the carpet. But if somebody judged me negatively for having self-harmed in the past, then it's a clear indicator that they're not the right person for me, as I don't believe anybody deserves to be judged negatively for turning to coping mechanisms such as that when their life gets too much to cope with. It's not ideal, but in most cases it's a symptom of a whole other host of personal problems, not always a problem in itself.

 

I have stable, good emotional and mental health now. The lasting damage from what I did 8+ years ago isn't really relevant to how I am doing now.

 

But then, I try not to judge people who are struggling with poor mental health. I wouldn't particularly choose to date somebody if I met them at a point when they were in crisis as yes, it would make it really hard to connect, build a relationship, avoid drama, and probably put too much on the unwell person's plate too. But if somebody has had their problems in the past, that's fine. I've walked the walk on that one. You have a right to decide what you want from a partner and you're not 'wrong' for wanting somebody who has never had any mental health issues. But obviously I'm not wrong for wanting somebody who is a little more empathetic and non-judgmental about mental health issues too.

 

Also I'm no expert, but I'd wager I'm more of an expert on the topic than you, having worked for six months in a mental health charity organisation, taken modules in mental health at postgraduate level and volunteered with people experiencing suicidal thoughts for the past five years. What are your credentials? (in response to your snarky comment to amaysngrace)

[Bubberfly]

No, not overlooked at all... I'd be happy if a guy brought it up and asked why I'd hurt myself, or whether I still did it etc. it's not something that can or should be swept under the carpet. But if somebody judged me negatively for having self-harmed in the past, then it's a clear indicator that they're not the right person for me, as I don't believe anybody deserves to be judged negatively for turning to coping mechanisms such as that when their life gets too much to cope with. It's not ideal, but in most cases it's a symptom of a whole other host of personal problems, not always a problem in itself.

 

I have stable, good emotional and mental health now. The lasting damage from what I did 8+ years ago isn't really relevant to how I am doing now.

 

But then, I try not to judge people who are struggling with poor mental health. I wouldn't particularly choose to date somebody if I met them at a point when they were in crisis as yes, it would make it really hard to connect, build a relationship, avoid drama, and probably put too much on the unwell person's plate too. But if somebody has had their problems in the past, that's fine. I've walked the walk on that one. You have a right to decide what you want from a partner and you're not 'wrong' for wanting somebody who has never had any mental health issues. But obviously I'm not wrong for wanting somebody who is a little more empathetic and non-judgmental about mental health issues too.

 

Also I'm no expert, but I'd wager I'm more of an expert on the topic than you, having worked for six months in a mental health charity organisation, taken modules in mental health at postgraduate level and volunteered with people experiencing suicidal thoughts for the past five years. What are your credentials? (in response to your snarky comment to amaysngrace)

 

 

Yes, I agree with this. And this is what my post is referring to. I was referring to SCARS not cuts. Now I can only imagine what someone would do if someone was scabbed up all over. Even I'd run for the hills, I'm in no position to help them.

 

You make a good point, acrosstheuniverse. Perhaps I can look at my scars as a "filter" to weed out any jerks who aren't sympathetic, or at least understanding of a person who's been through rough times in the past.

 

 

And to be honest with you, not a single person in the world is completely mentally "healthy" at all points in there lives. And anyone who says otherwise are themselves in "denial."

[SincereOnlineGuy]

alcoholics who have been dry for years...

 

but that doesn't mean they're alcoholics now.

 

 

 

Um, nothing could be more inaccurate!!!

 

 

 

Today I saw a man who has been going to A.A. for 35+ years, and he hasn't had a drink in at least 3 decades.

 

He goes to A.A. because he is an alcoholic!!

[Bubberfly]

Um, nothing could be more inaccurate!!!

 

 

 

Today I saw a man who has been going to A.A. for 35+ years, and he hasn't had a drink in at least 3 decades.

 

He goes to A.A. because he is an alcoholic!!

 

Yes and he goes to AA meetings so when times get rough he doesn't turn to the bottle. I go to counseling when I'm stressed so I cope with different ways than cutting.

 

Does that mean I'm a mentally unhealthy person, that I still need help with coping with stress? Does that mean he's mentally unhealthy because he wants to learn a healthy way to cope? So in your mind we're both addicts doomed to forever be alone since we're so unstable we'd be a danger to anyone else?

NO.

I don't consider a person who hasn't had alcohol in 30 years an alcoholic. I consider him a person who had a problem in the PAST and is working diligently on keeping it from ever becoming a problem again.

 

Thanks for nitpicking about something stupid and not benefiting this post in the slightest.

[salparadise]

I try not to judge people who are struggling with poor mental health. I wouldn't particularly choose to date somebody if I met them at a point when they were in crisis...

 

I'm not wrong for wanting somebody who is a little more empathetic and non-judgmental about mental health issues too.

 

I'd wager I'm more of an expert on the topic than you, having worked for six months in a mental health charity organisation, taken modules in mental health at postgraduate level and volunteered with people experiencing suicidal thoughts for the past five years. What are your credentials?

 

We have similar credentials it seems. I have also taken classes, undergone training in mental health, crisis management, including suicidal and self-harm, etc. I interface regularly both with people in crisis and those with ongoing issues when they're not in crisis. I won't be any more specific for reasons of confidentiality and anonymity.

 

When I am dealing with clients I am non-judgmental and empathetic (as you know this is partly intuitive, partly skill). I meet them exactly where they are at that moment, and accept that what they think and feel is real to them. I encourage them to express feelings without reservation and I mirror their feelings back with acceptance, understanding and empathy. So yea, I didn't just fall off the turnip truck as they say.

 

What's going on in this little debate is that we're mixing two different ideas as if they were one in the same. We're coming from different personal experience, so we have differing perspectives. As a former cutter, it's only reasonable that you'd be looking to date people who are accepting of your past mental health challenges. We are all interested in people who are accepting of our unique issues and characteristics. As a divorced man who endured a challenging marriage for 20+ years to someone with issues, I am specifically not looking for an encore. I am looking for the kind of fulfilling relationship that eluded me all that time despite my best effort.

 

What we have in common is that we're all looking for someone who will be good for us. There are people who take on the role of rescuer, but that is an issue in and of itself. So it's one thing to be non-judgmental and accepting of people with mental health challenges for the purpose of helping them to heal, cope, etc., but it's quite another to consciously overlook ongoing issues in choosing a partner. The fact that I prefer a mentally healthy partner does not equate to me being judgmental, intolerant, superficial or lacking of insight. So I think we're mostly in agreement as long as we keep the two contexts separate.