roxy_silver16 Posted November 26, 2004 Posted November 26, 2004 I have been seeing this guy for about 2 months now. I got out of a serious 2 year relationship with another guy about 4 months ago. I really like the new guy I am with. He is just really different from my ex and I am having some problems with him. My ex was pretty controling and in return I developed a jealous side, which I never had before. My new guy has alot of female friends, and they are just friends, ones he has had for years and years and for some reason I am extremely jealous of him. So that is one issue, I really would like to not be that way. Also he is way more shy and less aggressive than my ex. I never had to initiate anything with my ex boyfriend. Now, if I don't kiss him, hug him, or initiate cuddling with him, it doesn't happen with the new man. I also get mad at him for no apparant reason. We don't spend alot of time together and I would like to change that, but I have the hardest time speaking up to him for some reason. If I want to hang out one night and he doesn't ask me to, or asks what my plans are I end up doing something else and getting extremely irate with him. He has told me that I ignore him and that I don't tell him what I want and what my feelings are. I just wish I could say what I mean when I mean it. I want to spend more alone time with him, I want to do more things that don't revolve around drinking, I would like to not always be the agressor, and I would like some more pda. So easy to tell strangers yet but I can't tell my boyfriend! I don't know what I am so scared of. We go out alot, and everything we do involves drinking. When he has had a couple of drinks the guy is perfect! He initiates things, touches me, calls me pet names, ect. It's like he is just as scared as I am when he is sober to show and tell me how he feels? I would love advice. Has anyone had to deal with non agressive men before and how do u get used to being aggressive? I really like this guy. He is funny, sweet, caring, and we have alot in common. We always have so much fun together. He gives me my space and lets me do my own thing. But I feel like we aren't a couple. Maybe he is afraid to smother me because of the stories he has heard about my ex? Oh! I am 21 and he is 24.... Thanks guys.
Merin Posted November 26, 2004 Posted November 26, 2004 The first thing I will tell you is.. STOP telling him stories about your EXBF. Nobody wants to hear stories good or bad about thier bf's/gf's EX.. there are several reasons why.. 1) Your boyfriend isn't one of your girls.. and shouldn't be expected to have to hear all the horror stories of what a jackass your EX is.. or worse.. how your EX used to do the sweetest things.. 2) He may wonder why you're still talking about your EX.. wondering are you really over him, and if so then why are you still talking about him.. 3) He may feel you are comparing him to your EX.. and nobody wants that. Secondly, you've got to realize that he isn't your EX.. and since the EX in an EX.. that's probably a good thing! He has told you that you don't tell him how you're feeling about him, or what you want.. and by your own admission.. he's right. My feeling is.. he wants you to share that part of yourself with him, or he wouldn't have brought it up.. so by all means, talk to him about whats on your mind regarding the two of you. You're feeling upset when he isn't giving you the responses you feel he should.. but he cannot be expected to read your mind, nor can you read his.. so communication needs to be worked on.. you can't be mad at him if he doesn't give you what you want, when you haven't told him what that is. I think in some ways you may be afraid to talk with him about what you need to feel cared about in this relationship because you don't want to say the wrong thing or upset him.. you've just come out of a long relationship and IMO you're afraid you might mess this one up by saying or doing the "wrong" thing.. you are really only cheating yourself and him as well to what a great relationship the 2 of you could have by not allowing him to really "know you" out of fear. Take it slow.. relax.. talk to him about what you need in the relationship.. there is a difference between asking for what we want and demanding we have our way.. Good luck girl
DTNut1928 Posted November 26, 2004 Posted November 26, 2004 ...and if that doesn't work, find another guy. Nah, I'm just kidding. Besides, since I am a man myself, what Merin said is pretty much true. No guys really want to hear about your ex about much much as they don't want to hear about your boyfriend if you're not dating them. Also, guys don't care about furniture designs (liek curtains or wallpaper), we don't care about potpourri or anything you women buy in beauty shops, nor do we really like shopping with you (we like to be with you, but we don't necessarily like the shopping). Guys can also be very differnt when they are drunk. You said that after a couple of drinks he is perfect in that he treats you the way you want to be treated. If that's the case, then according to modern psychology, this is the way he truly wants to behave, but circumstantial barriers are erected. Is it perhaps something that you are doing that isn't making him comfortable? You also speak of having "the hardest time speaking up to him for some reason." Well, what is that reason? Are you impatient? I know I am and I have come to terms with it. Like Merin said, "communication needs to be worked on" and "you can't be mad at him if he doesn't give you what you want, when you haven't told him what that is." The worst feeling that a guy experiences is being told he did something wrong, but not knowing what that is. Ladies, no matter how many times you say "you should know what you did," we will never know. It's like me trying to solve a differential calculus problem while having no knowledge of integration or inverse variations. No matter how hard I try, I will never solve that problem. So basically, stand your ground and do not be afraid to be open with him. It;s for the best.
Recommended Posts