Married to a man who hits me, falling in love with a client

[brendalass]

I've been married seven years to a wonderful man in many ways but he acts out with me - verbally and physically abusive (within the past couple years) and this time I've decided to leave. I've told my husband I want a trial separation. I don't think he believes me because of course I've said it in the past but he's convinced me we can work things out. And he really tries. He seeks out counseling and anger management. It breaks my heart how hard he tries. But of course , the cycles continue.

 

I've become financially dependent on him. No kids though. He wanted me to stop working to help him with his business which just started generating a livable income in the past 6 months.

 

I've started building my consulting business back up in the hopes that in the next six months to a year I will be able to support myself and leave. He is not hitting me as I've moved into another room in the house and have been keeping my distance. I don't feel scared that he will. It's only when we argue and we barely speak.

 

One of my clients knows I'm married but has been very flirtatious, without crossing a line. He has made many unnecessary appointments with me, always brings lunch for both of us (he insists) and he's said he thinks I'm smart and beautiful but couched in a way where it's "a beautiful, brilliant woman such as yourself can see right through..." (something pertaining to my consulting practice). And he's said he thinks i'm "amazing". He is very attractive, interesting, our appointments always go long because we have a lot in common and spend a good deal of time talking, not just about business, but about other things. I never discuss my personal relationships unless he asks about my husband in which case I keep it brief and boilerplate. He has no idea I'm leaving my husband. I think this man is seeing someone, or maybe in a long term relationship but I don't know for sure.

 

He's shown me a lot of attention and kindness which is probably what I'm a little desperate for.

 

A couple weeks ago he started inviting me to events. He followed up inviting both me and my husband. I apologized that my husband and I couldn't make it to any of the three engagements. I also couldn't schedule him for any appointments last week.

 

And now I haven't heard from him in a week which is unusual. He owes payment for an outstanding consultation which I'm sure he'd be embarrassed about if I reminded him but I'm not sure if I should contact him. At this point I would contact a client about an outstanding bill but I could care less about this bill. I don't want to seem either inappropriate or like I'm a married woman chasing another man. And I'm sure he must sense that I'm attracted to him. We have a chemistry that's hard to pretend isn't there.

 

Should I just wait and see if he contacts me again and if he does't just forget him and try to keep focused on working and getting out? I think he's a fairly strong impetus for my following through with the plan to leave my husband this time but I know I have to stick to my guns, with or without a a silver lining.

[pteromom]

- You are right to leave your husband. This needs to be your main focus.

 

- You are using this guy as an outlet for your desire to be loved. This doesn't mean that you should actually pursue him. You've just filled in everything you don't know about him with your fantasies about what a perfect love would be. What you imagine him to be and who he is are likely two very different things. While it's fun to daydream, and I understand how desperate you must feel to just be loved and accepted, you have to understand that you don't really know this guy.

 

- When you leave your husband, it is VERY important that you are on your own for a while. Coming out of an emotionally and physically abusive relationship, you will need to re-normalize yourself. You'll need to learn to relax and not walk on eggshells. You'll need to learn how to use your voice without fear of repercussions. You'll need to remember who you were before his abuse changed you.

 

- You should call the client - to ask about the payment he owes. Just like you would any other client. Part of becoming strong and independent again is taking care of yourself. You already let one man control you... don't let this guy's charms turn you into someone other than who you are. If you would normally call a client - then call him and get your money!

[brendalass]

Thank you very much for your thoughts and advice.

 

To be clear, I was not entertaining the idea of having an affair. If anything more than this business friendship should ever be suggested, it would only be possible when my marriage is over. I was wondering if I should continue even seeing him at all, even in a business context.

 

I don't think I'm using this man. I'm well aware I don't know him, all I know is what most people know when they're first getting to know someone, which is the good stuff they are showing you.

 

The only card I've seen is that I really like him.

[mtber75]

I think you should tell the guy that your leaving your husband. He probably knows what he wants and that's to be with you. So no need to hid around the bushes on this one. You are going to leave your husband RIGHT? It looks like you are still kind of attached to your husband that's why your hasten with your client? Well you do need the support and it looks your client can provide it?

[Grumpybutfun]

brendalass:

 

The. Only. Thing. You. Need. To. Do. Or. Worry. About. Is. Getting. Away. From. An. Abusive. Spouse.

Who cares about some guy at work? It is a mild and silly flirtation and he probably does it twenty-five times a day at work. That little bit of attention that you are craving is only a bandaid for a gaping, bleeding, throbbing wound. This would be like me saying, "Hey, I just got shot and it is potentially fatal, and am on my way to the hospital, but should I stop and get a hamburger on the way because I am feeling a bit peckish?" You are being hit......get some help from a women's shelter, a domestic abuse hotline, and an abuse counselor. Then find a safe place to go because you can never be sure when the next argument might take place, or he might just explode all over you for basically nothing. A man is not basically wonderful if he acts out at you by verbally and physically abusing you, btw. Your viewfinder is cracked and you are not seeing all the pieces of your life right now. Get help!

Best of Luck,

Grumps

[brendalass]

Sometimes I guess I feel like I need a little hope.

 

I'm nothing if I'm not trying to be hopeful.

[pteromom]

Plant your seeds of hope in yourself, not in some guy. Your hope should be for an independent life where you can breathe freely.

[brendalass]

I have the sense that you guys may see me as someone riddled with insecurities, who tends to seek out scumbags.

 

I did not go into this in my OP but to shade this up a bit, the reason I say my husband is a good man is because he isn't just a good man he is a wonderful man, as wonderful as the best people you've ever met. He's a vet and the war and PTSD did this to him, as it has many soldiers. I did not seek out an abuser because of my insecurities and I stuck by him the past couple years because this has been such a complicated situation.

 

He has hit me a handful of times in those years. Before the last time I told him if it happened again I was going to have to leave, and he said of course and he promised with all his heart (and I believe with every ounce of sincerity) that he would stop. He is devastated and overwhelmed by what is happening to him, PTSD is a mental illness and we have sought every kind of therapy but it doesn't seem to end.

 

My client could be a complete jerk. It's absolutely true. As much as anyone could be. But I don't want to assume that. Nor will I have any kind of physical relationship with another man before leaving my husband. I like to think I have some degree of integrity. I am also deeply depressed about the past couple years, that my husband has sacrificed so much and has become a shadow of who he was and I have sacrificed so much trying to be there for him. I will need, and have been getting therapy. We are both adults and understand that despite how much we love each other and how hard we try, I can't be in this situation, which is why I am staying in another room and we have limited communication until the financials improve.

 

He wants me to be safe too. And he has done everything he can. He is not a scumbag, and there is a chance my client is not a scumbag, and there is a chance this is not an issue of my having no self-esteem, but maybe I'm a woman who has been very independent and successful and a good judge of character but who has been lonely and wanting safety and love for a long time. Maybe I'm not a scumbag either.

 

Thanks for understanding.

[pteromom]

I never said you are riddled with insecurities. I said you will need some time to re-normalize after being in an abusive marriage. That is still true, even if you feel independent and like you are a good judge of character. Smart, intelligent women can be abused too.

 

I don't think you are a scumbag, and don't even think your husband is a scumbag. I commend you for getting out of your marriage (although the added details make me very sad that your husband can't/won't get help for his issues.)

 

I just think that pursuing another man right away isn't wise.

[brendalass]

Thank you. I wasn't referring to what you said. I only wanted to make clear I'm not looking to jump back into another dysfunctional relationship to repeat the cycle because I have some unresolved man issues.

[brendalass]

I've also been alone tho committed and independent most of my marriage.

 

 

I like being alone. I'm sick of feeling lonely.

[atreides]

I've been married seven years to a wonderful man in many ways but he acts out with me - verbally and physically

 

 

don't cover for him, there is no excuse or "wonderful aspects" needed to describe him. I think you need to get strong on your own with friends and family if you can. It is not easy to come out or escape even for the time post leaving an abusive spouse. Surround your self with positive people if you can as i said above.

 

best of luck to you.

[BetrayedH]

Make a decision to either fix your marriage or leave it. In the meantime, keep it entirely professional with your client.

 

You're obviously vulnerable to an affair or you wouldn't be posting here in the infidelity section.

[ChooseTruth]

Normal people go crazy when faced with the pain of infidelity. An already abusive husband...yikes. I wouldn't do it. Not to mention this guy is already attached to someone? You can control yourself. It's normal to be attracted to people, doesn't mean you have to act on it.

 

It's really best to wait until the divorce is final IMO....or even after. Read up on rebound relationships and how they often aren't fair to you or the person you rebound with. Not to say that it never works...but I think it's generally a bad idea, especially if you are only proposing a "trial separation" and not divorce. If you want divorce, divorce. Don't play games, that will just increase the crazy and drag it out.

[William]

Make a decision to either fix your marriage or leave it. In the meantime, keep it entirely professional with your client.

 

You're obviously vulnerable to an affair or you wouldn't be posting here in the infidelity section.

Moderation moved the thread to Infidelity from Dating, as it was mis-categorized but, upon review and comments from the thread starter, it is now placed in MLP. Carry on.

[brendalass]

I actually didn't post this in the infidelity section. The moderator moved it here.

[brendalass]

I sent a private msg to forum moderators.

 

Had I known my topic would be moved around I would never have posted. Please remove this thread. I will never return. I promise.