Bipolar behavior

[swazzzz]

I will cut to the chase. Met a girl a month ago and have been on 4 dates with her since. 4 back to back weekends to be exact. Now when we are together, we have a great time, enjoy good conversation with amazing rapport. We are from different countries and cultures so it is a great learning experience. I certainly enjoy being around her, she is pretty cool to hang out with.

 

But my real problem is this: after our dates, there is zero interaction. No calls and no texts. Well, if I have gone out with her on Saturday, I have texted her on Tuesday asking her how's her day and how she is doing etc etc. But amazingly, I never get a reply from her. I know she gets my texts. Our weekend starts from Thursday night so on a Wednesday evening, I have called her and that is when she answers the phone. Or if she doesn't, she texts me back sometime later saying if she is free on the weekend and at what time. She does not reply during the week and one day before the weekend, she chooses to respond. On one of our dates I asked her why this is the case and she said that she is rather moody and doesn't 'feel' like replying or talking to anyone at certain times. So I guess I catch her at wrong times. I don't know.

 

On our 4th date, I picked her up from her place. Went to a Spanish bar, had a few drinks, danced salsa and had a great time. During our dance, I got quite close to her and moved in to kiss her. But unfortunately, she moved her face away and I had to kiss her on the cheek. I laughed it off and continued dancing. After the bar, we went to the beach where we just sat and relaxed and had drunk conversations. I was playing with her hair, sitting and leaning on her, stroking her hair and all that. She didn't mind and I eventually dropped her home around 3:30 AM. I was ready to give her a goodnight kiss but again she put her cheek forward so I had no options other than the cheek. Too bad.

 

I text her after a day to ask if she has any dinner plans to which I get no reply. I wait till it is ACTUALLY dinner time and call her but it goes to voicemail. I let it go. I waited a couple of days. Today, Tuesday is when I called her around 6 PM. No answer. I text her asking if she has any plans for the weekend. No reply and it is now 11 PM on Tuesday night. Am absolutely perplexed.

 

So I am getting very very mixed signals. She definitely enjoys my company, otherwise she wouldn't have gone out with me for 4 weekends straight. Now if wanting and trying to kiss her was a wrong move, then I am guilty as charged. But an attempt to kiss on the 4th date.....is it really a bad idea? I am not being too clingy, I only text her after a few days and definitely have not been a creeper or a stalker.

 

I really want you all to tell me what all this means. What should be my next move? Is she playing with me or did I make a mistake somewhere? Appreciate you folks chipping in for this one.

[Woop1337]

Man, when I read 3 paragraphs, I said to myself. This guy is lucky, he found a girl that goes on dates with him AND doesn't bombard him with texts or calls between dates.

 

Then I read, she pulled back when u tried to kiss her, twice. She doesn't like you. But you say, why would she go out with you during the weekends? Who knows. Worst case scenario, she doesnt have anything better to do and she pulling your leg. Best case scenario, she likes you, she just doesn't like you enough.

 

Either way, I say to stop contacting her for a couple of weeks. Has she even paid or offered to pay for anything during those dates?

[carhill]

IMO, less 'bi-polar' and more 'other guy'.

[swazzzz]

Either way, I say to stop contacting her for a couple of weeks. Has she even paid or offered to pay for anything during those dates?

 

well, on our last date, we were supposed to go drinking. But neither of us had had any dinner so we went to Starbucks for a quite bite. She paid for that. But every other time, it has been me who has paid. An average night out for the 2 of us is around $150.

[swazzzz]

Damn I don't think I wanted to hear all that. Makes me take my rose tinted glasses off. Here I was thinking that I may have found someone cool enough to get me. But looks like I'm getting played here.

 

Quick question: is it reasonable to call her tomorrow once again, just to see if she answers and makes a plan for the weekend with me or not?

 

Also, breaking off contact for some time....is a week good enough or should I wait longer? What is the rule in this type of a situation? Should I wait for her to respond or should I call or text her after a week, maybe more ?

[Woop1337]

Damn I don't think I wanted to hear all that. Makes me take my rose tinted glasses off. Here I was thinking that I may have found someone cool enough to get me. But looks like I'm getting played here.

 

Quick question: is it reasonable to call her tomorrow once again, just to see if she answers and makes a plan for the weekend with me or not?

 

Also, breaking off contact for some time....is a week good enough or should I wait longer? What is the rule in this type of a situation? Should I wait for her to respond or should I call or text her after a week, maybe more ?

 

 

Nah no concrete rule book. Just use common sense. If she has any real interest in you, and you drop off the face of the earth for a week or two. Naturally, She would initiate contact with you and ask what's up. If she doesn't then obviously she doesn't like you.

 

I'm sure you can handle not talking to this woman for a week or two. You might say that's playing games. But I say, durin the beginning stages of dating, it is a game. And the game is chess not checkers.

Edited September 24, 2013 by Woop1337

[white]

I've dated a woman recently just like this. All exactly like this.

 

The only thing I know is there's no other guy because her housemates filled me in on that. And that there hasn't been one in at least two years, her whole time in the area.

 

Which leaves me just confused and exhausted. You can't figure out what it is, don't even try. Boredom. Repression. Closeted homosexuality. Intensely poor work/life balance. Just forget the whole thing and stop bothering, no need to cut contact, just let it go. The reason doesn't matter, the fact is your best efforts have come to naught, and you may as well date a black hole. Someone else will be warm and open to you, like a normal well adjusted person.

[swazzzz]

I've dated a bipolar girl and this does not strike me as bipolar at all [bipolar people get highly sexual during one of their cycles]; it is a simple case of "she is not that into you/she is not interested" but going along with the free weekend entertainment [that cost you $150 each time]. If you don't believe me, just re-read what you wrote [and assume it is someone else's post] and you'll see that you are not getting "mixed signals" at all. Where is the positive for it to be "mixed"? "Gracing you with her presence" during the weekend? Come on.

 

Think about this, no enthusiasm [which is supposed to be there when you are getting to know someone you really like] whatsoever, no communication during the week [i don't like texting back and forth but even I'd call someone I'm dating once or twice, the very least, during the week] and you couldn't even get a kiss for 4 weeks [Nothing wrong with you trying to initiate/escalate physical contact after a month by the way. You didn't grope her; you didn't try to get her in bed. It was a simple kiss. Didn't need to be french either.]? Don't be perplexed, girls do that all the time [many of them told me in an honest moment]; they go because "I wasn't going to say no to free dinner/free concert/free this and that." And they will keep doing that until you give them a reason to change their behavior.

 

Your next move? I'd stop trying to make something happen (i.e. don't schedule something for one of those weekends) and see what she does. And if she does something, let her invite you to a place/event/etc and cover the $ for once. [And if that happens, try to initiate again. You should be able to get *something* (i.e. some signal like hand holding, extended hug, touching, kiss, etc.) if she likes you as a date. If not, you are just a hangout buddy/malegirlfriend/egoboostbackburnerguy].

Yeah I was definitely being a complete gentleman, with no intentions of getting too physical with her the first time. But all you people seem to be pointing me toward the right direction. I am not going to contact her any further, probably a couple of weeks and see if she initiates any form of contact with me. I am just shocked that a girl would blatantly take advantage of a nice guy persona and hang with him just for free stuff I.e gold-digger. So there was nothing wrong in what I had done or behaved? Should I have played things differently though?

[Phantom888]

You didn't do anything wrong. She is not bipolar. She is just a player. If she were into you, you would not have any doubts. When women like someone, they don't go silent like that. You have to try to be observant.

[writergal]

Reading your post OP, she's not bipolar. Quite the opposite. She's just not that into you. Sorry bud. Every time you tried to kiss her, she gave you her cheek. Huge red flag.

 

I know you really like her, and you treated her really well on all your dates together so you are definitely a great catch. But possibly not good enough catch in her eyes.

 

Listen, if it's really bothering you, and you really like her there is absolutely nothing wrong with you just asking her if she would like to kiss you, the next time you two go out.

 

Don't play all those silly dating games about going no contact, or whatever.

 

Just be honest. That is the quickest way to the truth, anytime you need an answer.

 

Call her or email or text her, or ask her in person if she is interested in getting more romantic. If she isn't interested in you, GREAT! You know why? That frees you up to try again to find a girl who actually likes you enough to kiss you. Don't sit on this too long. Best to ask her right away so that you're not wondering anymore what her interest level is. Good luck.

[darkmoon]

the girl is a virgin - no? it is possible, her actions tell me so, cheek-kissing only, yet dating you

[writergal]

Yeah I was definitely being a complete gentleman, with no intentions of getting too physical with her the first time. But all you people seem to be pointing me toward the right direction. I am not going to contact her any further, probably a couple of weeks and see if she initiates any form of contact with me. I am just shocked that a girl would blatantly take advantage of a nice guy persona and hang with him just for free stuff I.e gold-digger. So there was nothing wrong in what I had done or behaved? Should I have played things differently though?

 

Um, by not contacting her she'll interpret that as you blowing her off and that you're not interested in her anymore. Will that really accomplish your goal though, which was to find out if she was that interested in you? Why not just skip these games and ask her out-right. Just ask her. If she isn't interested, you have your answer about her avoiding behavior. Or, if she is interested, you will learn her reasons for being hesitant to kiss you. Is that really what you want to do: stop all contact now? That seems really immature and un-necessary.

 

Why do you men think playing games like this gets you anywhere with women? All it does is get you alone. We deserve more respect than the silent treatment. I mean, c'mon!

[writergal]

I'm not saying the OP has to convince this gal to like him. I just suggested he communicate his confusion to her, so that he can get a straight answer. On the surface yes it appears she's just not that interested but doesn't have the social decency to let him down easy. Some women are like that whereas others are very slow. My cousin waited 2 months to kiss her husband. They've been married for 10 years and have 4 kids now.

 

The only way the OP is going to know what this gal's true intentions are, is to just ask her. Nothing else. Just ask. And yeah, she may give him a runaround answer, but that itself is an answer too, that she is not interested. I never said she'll give him a black and white answer "yes/no." No one is that easy to understand.

 

Dating is a hard game to play but it has to be played if you want to find the right person. Everyone creates their own rules so the OP should just follow his gut and hope it leads him in the right direction. Do what he is comfortable with and leave his doubt behind him.

[swazzzz]

I'm not saying the OP has to convince this gal to like him. I just suggested he communicate his confusion to her, so that he can get a straight answer. On the surface yes it appears she's just not that interested but doesn't have the social decency to let him down easy. Some women are like that whereas others are very slow. My cousin waited 2 months to kiss her husband. They've been married for 10 years and have 4 kids now.

 

The only way the OP is going to know what this gal's true intentions are, is to just ask her. Nothing else. Just ask. And yeah, she may give him a runaround answer, but that itself is an answer too, that she is not interested. I never said she'll give him a black and white answer "yes/no." No one is that easy to understand.

 

Dating is a hard game to play but it has to be played if you want to find the right person. Everyone creates their own rules so the OP should just follow his gut and hope it leads him in the right direction. Do what he is comfortable with and leave his doubt behind him.

Well, I would love to contact her right now and ask her out for the weekend. For which, she needs to at least respond to my text or answer my phone calls. If all modes of communication is blocked or not replied to, then what am I supposed to do?

 

She definitely is not a virgin, she's 29, has had a few relationships before. Am 25 but I don't think that is a deal breaker as such. She has told me that I am young but would that really put a girl off? In fact, if a younger guy is interested in you, it should be an exciting thing, not a reason for you to put him in the back burner.

 

I do agree that it is time for me to go out to a civil dinner, instead of going out drinking, and have a serious talk about where this is going. But for that, I need her to respond to me asking her out.

 

Do you guys think that I should make it blatantly obvious to her that I was not pleased that she didn't return my calls or texts throughout the week or should I just not bring it up at all? Play it cool like it doesn't bother me at all?

 

Also, asking her if she is interested in me and if wants to get to get romantically involved.... Isn't that a little bit too straightforward? I mean, wouldn't it put her on the spot and make her get defensive? She is probably not very good at social skills so she may react negatively which is not the point here. The point here is to get constructive feedback from her and see if further dates with her would mean different or not. What do you guys think?

[crederer]

I'm in a situation similar. I made all the effort and then after about 4 days of me not contacting her she sends me a text bascically asking why I haven't gotten in touch.

 

The reality is, as men, all the effort in the beginning stages are on us. Don't hate the player, hate the game.

[swazzzz]

I'd have to disagree with this. Romance is a feeling, not something you can get to by discussing or convincing. This girl had plenty of chances, for 4 weeks. But not a single sign. Forget kissing, not even hand holding (which even the virgin/shy girls would be okay with). If she "didn't feel it" during those nights [which are obviously more romantic than any talk you'd be doing now], she didn't have it. [And that is if she wasn't a free-entertainment dater.] If you do end up asking her, you'd only get "oh, I'd like to get to know you a bit more. let's go slowly." BS that is going to cost you $ and aggravation.

 

The best route is here to move on.

So I caved (pathetic I know!) and texted her in the afternoon, asking if she has any plans for the weekend. I FINALLY got a reply "hey, unfortunately this weekend I'm working till very late. Plus I have some job interviews. Sorry" Hmmm.....what say? Fair enough?

 

I don't like to think too much about all this, so I will assume that she is genuinely busy. But now, the next logical step....is it me expecting a call from her end and her making the plans instead of me being a pain in the ass and asking her out every weekend?

 

I honestly thought that the time we had spent together was great but didn't think that she would flick me off or put me in the back burner after each date. Doesn't make sense, I did nothing but treat her well. It would be nice to be appreciated once in a while.

 

It does seem like she is not in it for the long haul. When I met my ex-girlfriend for the first time, the chemistry was not very evident but we met again through a common friend and we eventually had a conversation. She then initiated the contact by calling me and things just took off from there. It was great, so yes, I know what you guys mean when you say that if she is in to you, she will make it obvious and will definitely make some sort of contact or show some sort of interest in the entire dating/relationship.

 

So the right thing to do here is??

[veggirl]

Don't call her again. She was using you. Really horrible of her to let you spend $600 on dates when she wasn't even interested. Forget her.

[writergal]

So I caved (pathetic I know!) and texted her in the afternoon, asking if she has any plans for the weekend. I FINALLY got a reply "hey, unfortunately this weekend I'm working till very late. Plus I have some job interviews. Sorry" Hmmm.....what say? Fair enough?

 

I don't like to think too much about all this, so I will assume that she is genuinely busy. But now, the next logical step....is it me expecting a call from her end and her making the plans instead of me being a pain in the ass and asking her out every weekend?

 

I honestly thought that the time we had spent together was great but didn't think that she would flick me off or put me in the back burner after each date. Doesn't make sense, I did nothing but treat her well. It would be nice to be appreciated once in a while.

 

It does seem like she is not in it for the long haul. When I met my ex-girlfriend for the first time, the chemistry was not very evident but we met again through a common friend and we eventually had a conversation. She then initiated the contact by calling me and things just took off from there. It was great, so yes, I know what you guys mean when you say that if she is in to you, she will make it obvious and will definitely make some sort of contact or show some sort of interest in the entire dating/relationship.

 

So the right thing to do here is??[/QUOTE]

 

Ugh. She blew you off via text. If she really was interested, I think she would have suggested another time to get together like, "I can't this weekend, but how about [this day] instead?" If she had added that to her text I'd say she was legitimately busy but still interested. But she only rejected your invite, so yeah, I don't think she's interested in seeing you again.

 

It's a shame she can't just be honest with you b/c you seem like a decent guy.

 

You could always call her back to acknowledge her text and ask her if she's even interested in seeing you again because you clearly are interested in seeing her again. Or if you think she will screen your call you could ask her via text. I know a lot of posters (esp. guys) will disagree with me on doing that. But I've had my fair share of dates and when I guy gives me mixed signals, I have no problem asking him directly, "are you interested in me or not?" But that's my personality. I like it when people can be straightforward with me. I don't pussyfoot around when it comes to dates. If a guy isn't being honest with me, I'll call him out on it.

 

Look at it this way, you gave it your all and she didn't reciprocate. So...try again until you meet a woman who reciprocates without you having to chase her down to ask her if she's still interested in you.

 

Do whatever your gut tells you and see what happens. She's out there - the girl for you. It just doesn't sound like this woman is interested.

[NoMoreJerks]

Also, breaking off contact for some time....is a week good enough or should I wait longer? What is the rule in this type of a situation? Should I wait for her to respond or should I call or text her after a week, maybe more ?

Um, if she doesn't text you after a week, I'd just let go of it, flush her. She should be the one to initiate after a week of silence on your part, and even then, I wouldn't say it means she's necessarily interested. But if she doesn't even do that, then she definitely is not interested. You realize you're spending thousands of dollars on her, right? I'd be very careful in order to avoid getting played. Some people are golddiggers, be they men or women. I spent thousands of dollars , always paid for dinners/drinks with my ex-bf. Don't be her sugar-daddy. I was my ex's sugar mama.

[tlegend]

hey, unfortunately this weekend I'm working till very late. Plus I have some job interviews. Sorry

 

Sorry man, but its fairly clear she is just not that into you.

Move along, and find someone who is genuinely interested in you. Stop banging your head against the wall with this one.

[swazzzz]

So I caved (pathetic I know!) and texted her in the afternoon, asking if she has any plans for the weekend. I FINALLY got a reply "hey, unfortunately this weekend I'm working till very late. Plus I have some job interviews. Sorry" Hmmm.....what say? Fair enough?

 

I don't like to think too much about all this, so I will assume that she is genuinely busy. But now, the next logical step....is it me expecting a call from her end and her making the plans instead of me being a pain in the ass and asking her out every weekend?

 

I honestly thought that the time we had spent together was great but didn't think that she would flick me off or put me in the back burner after each date. Doesn't make sense, I did nothing but treat her well. It would be nice to be appreciated once in a while.

 

It does seem like she is not in it for the long haul. When I met my ex-girlfriend for the first time, the chemistry was not very evident but we met again through a common friend and we eventually had a conversation. She then initiated the contact by calling me and things just took off from there. It was great, so yes, I know what you guys mean when you say that if she is in to you, she will make it obvious and will definitely make some sort of contact or show some sort of interest in the entire dating/relationship.

 

So the right thing to do here is??[/QUOTE]

 

Ugh. She blew you off via text. If she really was interested, I think she would have suggested another time to get together like, "I can't this weekend, but how about [this day] instead?" If she had added that to her text I'd say she was legitimately busy but still interested. But she only rejected your invite, so yeah, I don't think she's interested in seeing you again.

 

It's a shame she can't just be honest with you b/c you seem like a decent guy.

 

You could always call her back to acknowledge her text and ask her if she's even interested in seeing you again because you clearly are interested in seeing her again. Or if you think she will screen your call you could ask her via text. I know a lot of posters (esp. guys) will disagree with me on doing that. But I've had my fair share of dates and when I guy gives me mixed signals, I have no problem asking him directly, "are you interested in me or not?" But that's my personality. I like it when people can be straightforward with me. I don't pussyfoot around when it comes to dates. If a guy isn't being honest with me, I'll call him out on it.

 

Look at it this way, you gave it your all and she didn't reciprocate. So...try again until you meet a woman who reciprocates without you having to chase her down to ask her if she's still interested in you.

 

Do whatever your gut tells you and see what happens. She's out there - the girl for you. It just doesn't sound like this woman is interested.

Took your advice in mind, after all, I should have acknowledged her text. So I just texted her saying "not a problem. Good luck with your interviews and work. How about dinner and drinks some other time?" Let's see if she responds but I highly doubt it is going to happen.

 

This was my first date after my break up which had left me in a real bad shape. I was supposed to get engaged and things just went south when her family got involved. So yea, it took me some time to muster up some courage and get out there again. But seems like I came up with a cropper. Anyway, am done texting or calling. I am going to wait it out and see if any thing changes. It is evident that I am not someone who picks up on signals and it is also a lesson learned that no matter how much of a good time you have with someone, you can NEVER EVER be sure of what is going on in their mind at that particular time. I mean, to me, I could think that the date was fabulous while she could think that the date sucked big time. I have a long way to go in terms of knowing and understanding the opposite sex. Not necessarily a bad thing, just a dawn of realization at the right moment.

 

It was quite infuriating when you do not get a reply to a text that was written out of good-ness and not because someone wanted to get with you. Well, I could blame a lot of things for this but best is for me to just let this pass and breathe easy and deep. I know the kind of guy that I am, I just have a bad habit of thinking that all people are inherently good which is not the case at all. Society isn't Utopian of course and I need to take things with a pinch of salt.

 

I used to believe "good things happen to good people". I still do. It just isn't true for the time you want it to be true.

 

I may sound like I was really in to her, but honestly it was just a month so it is not so bad. I am just venting because of the circumstances and the way things were going and had to end up going south.

[Syconort]

I personally think you waited too long, at week 4, to escalate physical contact and go in for a kiss. That should have happened after/during your first or second date.

 

People can be very clever about hiding their true intentions, so think about it this way: after a reasonable amount of time, the sooner you go for a kiss, the sooner you'll have an idea of how she feels. I would rather find this out on the first/second date than after 4 weeks!

[crederer]

From a guy with a lot of experience with bi-polar women, this has nothing to do with it.

[swazzzz]

From a guy with a lot of experience with bi-polar women, this has nothing to do with it.

Elaborate please. And also, what's done is done. I went in for the kiss on the 4th date. Yes, I could have done it earlier but the opportunity didn't present itself.

[crederer]

She may be bi-polar but the way she reacts doesn't have anything to do with it. She would have demonstrated extreme highs, and extreme lows but not a heck of a lot in between.

 

She'd yell and scream at the drop of a hat, getting extremely emotional and then she'll be all lovey dovey with you a couple hours later.

 

Everything you've said is just something in the middle, like she's lethargic towards you or something, which is not common demonstrated behaviour toward a partner of a bi polar.