How can you love someone and cheat at the same time?

[atreides]

Regardless of the articles or arguments about the differences between men & women, emotional needs vs sexual needs and so on.....

 

Quite frankly there is not correct answer to your question because everyone has a different opinion. So if one cheats, they may do so for just "sex", "conquest", lack of x ~ y ~ z variable but it is the BS who decides if the "cheater" is taken back. The answer to the question solely lies with the BS.

[happysong]

Hi guys,

 

I just have an issue that I have been grappling with and would be grateful for your thoughts. In brief, I was going out with my ex-GF for 1 year and found out 6 weeks ago that she was cheating. The truth has slowly emerged over the last few weeks and she has told plenty of lies to cover herself. My current understanding is that the affair was both a PA and EA, and it was a casual arrangement that has been going on since she met him about 2 months into our relationship.

 

Please note, I have left already about 2 weeks ago, and I do not intend to turn back. I am doing NC and have no intention of changing that course.

 

So my question now is - how is it possible that someone can love you and still cheat? Looking back on our year together, I can remember many times when she expressed real care and affection for me. Our sex life was active and we were even planning a holiday together. It is true that the relationship was pretty stagnant for most of the year, but it had really picked up in the last 2 or 3 months before I found out about the affair.

 

Please could you let me know if you think this is possible to love someone and cheat, in principle?

 

In my specific case, my ex-GF spoke often about how she felt "lonely with me" and how I didn't have enough time for her. However, she still cheated in the last 3 months when things were better with us, so I think that is just an excuse. I believe she had some sexual/romantic attraction to the OM all along, so she would have probably cheated anyway. It seems the only reason she stayed was that I made her feel "safe and secure", while the OM was clear that she was just a friend who also wanted for a bit of fun.

 

Given the above, maybe she didn't love me but was just scared of losing me as an emotional security blanket. Or maybe the love was real on some level? I'm kind of pulling my hair out with this one.

 

Perhaps this doesn't really matter for any practical purpose given that we are finished anyway. But I do still want to know what was real in the last year of my life with her?.... Also, even though I could never forgive her betrayal, I still find myself missing her.... Any tips please?

 

Many Thanks!

Well she cheated on you and showing her true colors. So it doesn't matter either she loves you or not. Most probably she will cheat again if the same circumstances arise.

 

Save yourself from unnecessary pain. Some wayward GF shows remorse not because she loves the BS but afraid of losing the security blanket and financial support the BS provides.

[Bryanp]

You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions spoke volumes. The sad part is that your sex life had turned up very nicely in the past 3 months which meant that there had to be times that you were with her after she had just been with him.

 

I think your ex-girlfriend is one of those people who are as faithful as their opportunities. The fact that she was flirting with this guy in front of you 6 weeks into your relationship is a pretty clear indication of where her head was at.

 

I hope you get tested for STD's. It's interesting that she didn't try to really get back with you and blames it on you and her upbringing. It is everybody's fault but hers......Oh Please.

[James-London]

Thanks for all your thoughts on this. I remember in December last year we were in a restaurant and she just started crying but refused to explain why. I found out recently that she was crying because she bumped into the OM the same day and was feeling confused and guilty.

 

I suspect the guilt over cheating gets easier as the affair goes on. The lying becomes easier and it gets easier to compartmentalise the guilt. I think my ex someone managed to rationalise what she was doing... essentially it was something like: "me and the OM are just friends and this OM would never be serious about having a relationship with me anyway". She would also have been telling herself that I was not around enough and this OM was available to take her out to things.

 

I do not agree that she did not know where the boundaries were. She knew her actions would upset me because she tried so hard to hide them from me!! I don't know how much her childhood stopped her from expressing emotions with me. She seems to have had more deep and meaningful conversations with the OM than with me.... What upsets me SO MUCH is how this is what I needed from her, and I would definitely have spent more time with her if she only let me in, just a little bit. It makes me sick that this OM got all that so easily from her.

 

What is most pathetic about all of this is that she never really told me: a) exactly when she was with him and what happened, and b) why she did it. However, I can see from the threads of other people that cheaters are rarely honest about this. it is true that she is still blaming me and blaming her childhood. But I think she knows its really her fault. She is going to therapy and that is a good sign.

 

one more thing - if she comes out of therapy in 3 months and still insists she loves me, begs for me back and explains everything I need to know, you guys might well see me back here again with more questions!! however, I think there is a good chance I will never hear from her again, which is no bad thing. I'm sure there are people out there who are better suited to each of us.

 

I don't think I will ever know how deep or genuine her feelings were for me. I will likely never know if she loved the security I provided or actually loved me. I think I need to learn to be happy not knowing. I need to make sure that I learn from this and pick up on all the warning signs which now all seem so obvious in retrospect.

[imbetteroff]

I always wonder about that too. I do have feelings for my husband, but right now I don't think is love. I cheated after 13 years of marriage, I was trying to escape all the fights and unhappiness that was going on in our home at the time, (2 years ago).

My AP ended up divorcing his wife, well, she divorced him after she found out he had been sleeping with her friend. She had forgiven him at least 2 times before that. She didn't find out about me till I told her last month.

He is now engaged or married, I'm not sure. The woman he is now living with was married, filed for divorce and 2 months later moved in with him. All the while he was telling me he was living with a room mate and was wanting me to continue seeing him again.

I don't know if he loves her, it is hard for me to believe he does, especially since he was cheating on her the whole time they were "dating" and even after they moved in together.

I'm pretty sure she was cheating on her husband too. Who moves in with her new boyfriend 2 months after filing for divorce, especially with 4 kids under 10?

I told her this and she chose to forgive him. I really don't care anymore, I just wanted her to take the blindfold off and see him for who he really is.

Will their relationship survive? IDK, IDC.

I'm struggling to save my marriage, I don't know if I'll ever be able to truly love my husband again, I find myself crying 2-3 times a week. I mourn my dying marriage!

[James-London]

Thanks for sharing this. I guess it comes down to what we mean by "love". For me its about making a commitment to someone through the good times and bad. Its about supporting them and putting them and your relationship with them first.

 

I think my ex felt that I didn't love her because I could not see her when I had work deadlines to manage. She never tried to talk things through with me or understand my needs in the relationship. And she never really talked about her feelings even though I tried.... We never really talked at all.

 

I don't know why she felt she could talk to the OM and emotionally connect with him and not me. She just saw me as the "enemy" and put up an emotional wall whenever I tried to get close and understand her.... I never knew about her difficult childhood until after I found out about her cheating. But by then it was too late.

 

I am sorry that she felt lonely, but she never helped me to understand any of this. Without being telepathic I'm not sure I could have done more.... And also, part of me thinks that she didn't want me to see her more and get close to her because she felt much safer keeping me at a distance and getting her emotional needs met by the OM. But that might be wrong too.... I'm never going to work this one out, so I should just let it go, I guess!!

[waterwoman]

"After the A my W was in ended, she told me "I never stopped loving you", "I always loved you". "I thought you did not love me."

 

Yep. As if that makes a difference. You don't love me so I am going to make myself more lovable by having an affair. Ha! <wipes away tears of mirth>

[drifter777]

...

one more thing - if she comes out of therapy in 3 months and still insists she loves me, begs for me back and explains everything I need to know, you guys might well see me back here again with more questions!! however,I think there is a good chance I will never hear from her again, which is no bad thing. I'm sure there are people out there who are better suited to each of us.

Yes, and you will find one or two of them before those 3 months are up. If she comes back begging at that time you won't need help from anyone to make the decision, you'll just say "too late" and walk away.

[katielee]

I've actually thought a lot about this....

Here's the thing: I know for sure that my husband never stopped loving me when he had his affairs.

 

Let me explain: I can feel his love for me. I have since we professed it to each other 27 years ago. I have never felt it missing in my life. I HAVE felt that he has not loved himself at times, during the aftermath of my affair and during his. How can you love someone else but not yourself? I think you can. Say what you want about not wanting your spouse to find out about what you're doing... part of that reason is not wanting your spouse to hurt, you know that when they find out it will be soul crushing. If you loved your AP that's the love you would shout from the top of the world. Yet, you go home and help with the kids, pay the bills, etc because that's what REAL LIFE is, and you know this... you just don't want to give up your little playtoy on the side because it makes you feel so young, attractive and wanted. You know that's not real love. You know it's just a matter of time. But you don't know what to do because you realize your life will change forever once your spouse knows. Your spouses life will change more than your own life. And you so don't want this to happen to the innocent person you love. Inner turmoil commences, if it hasn't already... and you start to feel like you don't deserve this person you're married to. After all, you're the evil one, they're the innocent. And truthfully, that makes you love them even more, kind of in a sick way.

 

My affair made me question every single move I made in my life. It made me SO ANGRY at myself that I hadn't clarified my values enough to actually live them. He didn't deserve what I did. I hated myself enough to make bad choices. I loved him enough to tell him the truth about the person he was married to.

[James-London]

thanks for posting Katielee. My gut was telling me that it is possible to love someone and cheat at the same time. Just because it doesn't make sense rationally does not mean that its not possible. My ex insists that she did love me even though she cheated... she said she was doing it because she was so lonely with me.

 

But I guess it is possible to also cheat because you DON'T love your partner. It could be the love is gone and the WS is looking for a way out of the relationship, so they cheat. Or maybe they just don't care anymore.... I guess that can happen too.

 

It is comforting to know that it is at least possible my ex did love me, and she was just hurting because of how lonely she was. But I will never know if she really loved me, and I need to get comfortable with that ambiguity... the fact that she never begged for me back or showed much remorse does suggest she didn't love me though, despite her words to the contrary...

[happysong]

Thanks for sharing this. I guess it comes down to what we mean by "love". For me its about making a commitment to someone through the good times and bad. Its about supporting them and putting them and your relationship with them first.

 

I think my ex felt that I didn't love her because I could not see her when I had work deadlines to manage. She never tried to talk things through with me or understand my needs in the relationship. And she never really talked about her feelings even though I tried.... We never really talked at all.

 

I don't know why she felt she could talk to the OM and emotionally connect with him and not me. She just saw me as the "enemy" and put up an emotional wall whenever I tried to get close and understand her.... I never knew about her difficult childhood until after I found out about her cheating. But by then it was too late.

 

I am sorry that she felt lonely, but she never helped me to understand any of this. Without being telepathic I'm not sure I could have done more.... And also, part of me thinks that she didn't want me to see her more and get close to her because she felt much safer keeping me at a distance and getting her emotional needs met by the OM. But that might be wrong too.... I'm never going to work this one out, so I should just let it go, I guess!!

Obviously she doesn't love you and loves the OM. She put a wall between you to keep a safe distant. Why? Well most probably she feels guilty towards the OM and doesn't want to hurt him or cheat him. Which is exactly the opposite but possible.

 

You will be much better without her in your life. Learn from your mistake and be a good person on your next relationship.

Edited September 26, 2013 by happysong

[stevie_23]

This is so hard...some would say it's pretty easy, but...I think it's hard.

 

I think if the TYPE of love you have for each person is drastically different at the time you are with both people at once, this makes it LESS difficult or guilt-ridden to be with both at once.

 

Your domestic partner or spouse...you may or may not been in love with them at some point in the past. You are NOT in love with them anymore. But you still love them. You love them the same way you might love a sister, brother, friend, companion...and this type of love DOES require respect, and cheating is NOT respectful in any way, however...sometimes it's very difficult to compare this type of more platonic long term love with the IN love feelings of the other person you're with.

 

If you are in love with someone and are with them while still being a brother, sister or friend to someone else, this is not cheating of course. The feelings are not comparable.

 

So it's more about the plain obligation I think. The commitment to your existing partner, even if not in love. This is where it becomes a bit of a separation I suppose. You are SUPPOSED to be with them so you do it. It's not usually a huge hardship because you DO love them in those platonic ways.

 

This probably makes no sense, sorry!

[James-London]

GUYS PLEASE HELP...

 

Its about this girl again. We were together for 1 year and I find out 6 weeks ago that she was cheating on and off with this guy. The truth has been coming out in parts over the last few weeks. I last met her 2 weeks ago when she admitted staying at his house twice in late July/August but nothing happened. I think she did have sex with him both times.

 

I wrote her a final email 9 days ago asking: a) to tell me each time she was with him (having sex or not) and b) why did she do it? She then wrote me about 4 emails that really didn't answer my questions. It was just stuff about how I was not there for her.

 

Since my last email, I have been doing total NC. Yesterday I blocked her on FB and I get this:

 

"Dear James,

 

Why do you have to do this? I'm not even sure if you're reading this email,you probably blocked me on everything now. Why? You make it even more difficult! I find it really stupid we cannot be together for some reason, evenif we love each other! Because I do love you and I know you loved me...

 

Nothing is impossible James, it is only a matter of willingness. We could maybe make it right this time. At least we would try... I know you want to cut me off now to forget about me, but is that really what you want? Would you be able to forgive me? In the end, we only have our one life to live and we have both already suffered enough. I don't see the point of this. If we both want to be together we should be less stubborn and listen to our. That is the only wayto do things right.

 

Also, I do think about you all of the time".

 

*Please note that English is not her first language, although she is pretty fluent.

 

It seems she is scared about me cutting her out right now. Can I use this toget some of the answers she never bothered to reply to before? If I reply what could I say? I just want the honest truth about the EXTENT of her affairwith this guy - was it once a month or 3 times each week?

 

One more thing - what if she has a point? If we do still love each other why should mistakes of the past dictate the future forever? I guess simplest answer is that she still does not want to be honest about what she did or explain herself or even show much remorse.

 

I'm not sure that she is evil or just stupid. She is a very emotional and impulsive person. She thinks with her heart and not her head all the time. I'm the opposite - I analyse everything. Maybe she just doesn't realise that all these details I want are actually important?

Edited September 26, 2013 by James-London
corrections

[Zenstudent]

If you are really done with her and want to move on, don't answer - just block her out of your life for your own sanity. Don't let her mind**** you.

 

You were together for a year and she cheated on and off during your relationship? If that's called love - I would rather live my life without it and maybe find something else to make me happy.

 

Spend your time growing and improving - prepare to find someone who appreciates what you have to give.

[Betterthanthis13]

GUYS PLEASE HELP...

 

Its about this girl again. We were together for 1 year and I find out 6 weeks ago that she was cheating on and off with this guy. The truth has been coming out in parts over the last few weeks. I last met her 2 weeks ago when she admitted staying at his house twice in late July/August but nothing happened. I think she did have sex with him both times.

 

I wrote her a final email 9 days ago asking: a) to tell me each time she was with him (having sex or not) and b) why did she do it? She then wrote me about 4 emails that really didn't answer my questions. It was just stuff about how I was not there for her.

 

Since my last email, I have been doing total NC. Yesterday I blocked her on FB and I get this:

 

"Dear James,

 

Why do you have to do this? I'm not even sure if you're reading this email,you probably blocked me on everything now. Why? You make it even more difficult! I find it really stupid we cannot be together for some reason, evenif we love each other! Because I do love you and I know you loved me...

 

Nothing is impossible James, it is only a matter of willingness. We could maybe make it right this time. At least we would try... I know you want to cut me off now to forget about me, but is that really what you want? Would you be able to forgive me? In the end, we only have our one life to live and we have both already suffered enough. I don't see the point of this. If we both want to be together we should be less stubborn and listen to our. That is the only wayto do things right.

 

Also, I do think about you all of the time".

 

*Please note that English is not her first language, although she is pretty fluent.

 

It seems she is scared about me cutting her out right now. Can I use this toget some of the answers she never bothered to reply to before? If I reply what could I say? I just want the honest truth about the EXTENT of her affairwith this guy - was it once a month or 3 times each week?

 

One more thing - what if she has a point? If we do still love each other why should mistakes of the past dictate the future forever? I guess simplest answer is that she still does not want to be honest about what she did or explain herself or even show much remorse.

 

I'm not sure that she is evil or just stupid. She is a very emotional and impulsive person. She thinks with her heart and not her head all the time. I'm the opposite - I analyse everything. Maybe she just doesn't realise that all these details I want are actually important?

 

I don't think she is evil or stupid either. I think she is scared, does not want to take responsibility for what she has done, and is continuing to lie to you (omission of truth by withholding information you need to process your feelings)

 

I spent the entire month of June and July getting assaulted with love letters, cards, emails, texts, flowers, jewelry from my xbf. He started therapy and started going to SAA meetings.It was really hard for me to kick him out while he was crying and begging me to move on and forgive him. I had to determine on my own that it was all an act.

 

I do not think reconciliation is impossible, or a bad idea for many people. But I strongly feel it would be a mistake in your case based on everything you have said so far.

 

The best thing I can suggest, is to read on LS some of the threads by WS's and OM/OW's... Get a really good handle on the differences between a remorseful WS and one who is not. It's plain as day how the people who have true remorse for their choices differ from those who are just sorry they got caught, are stuck in confusion and fear, and refuse to tell the truth.

 

Will she "get it" someday? Maybe. Will she be capable of earning your trust back someday? I don't know. We can't predict the future. But right NOW she is not doing much of anything to earn your trust back besides putting on a show and trying to tug on your heart strings and play with your emotions.

 

Taking her back now would be the worst thing you could do not only for yourself, but also for her. It would be you enabling her to not do the hard work she needs to do on her own to be a woman that you would be able to trust. Don't torture yourself with what if's. Make a swift decision to go completely NC and stick to it, in a couple months your head will clear up a bit and you can revisit the idea if you still want.