brittneyfoster Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 I don't know if this guy is married but we have been dating for a few weeks now. We've gone out a few lunch dates, and he's been to my house once. Don't ask me why, but I asked if he had a girlfriend and he said no and asked why I waited two weeks to ask him something like that. Thus far, he has been honest about himself, his job, his family, and other small facts about his life. However that one plaguing question is: Are you married? He asks me questions about my child's father, but I haven't felt comfortable enough to start asking him too many questions about his daughter and his situation with his ex. He talks about his daughter alot and briefly mentioned the mother, but that's it. We follow one another on Instagram, but sometimes I'm iffy on him. He's a very short texter, which I'm used to at this point. He calls me when he's in the store or in his car. We never talk on the phone late at night but we do text. He's affectionate in public, and we do live on a very small military base town. He's even talked about wanting to talk with my dad who is retired military since he has a lot of knowledge of the Army. When we are together, he's always on his phone right beside me or in front of me. There's no passlock on the phone. My cousin went to college with him and remembers him being quiet and very nice in school. She checked his Facebook and there are no pictures of any recent pictures of a woman, but in March 2011...we did see that he did get married. His status says: "Single" and "Interested in Women".But since 2012, there have been no posts or pictures of any wife only pictures of he and his daughter. However, on her page...she has recent pictures of herself, her last name is not his last name, but she has an old cover photo of him and her still up! All in all...I am not able to surmise his status because somethings make sense but others do not. I won't know until I ask but what do you all think?
soccerrprp Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 Just ask. You need to know and know it sooner than later. Ask him about his daughter and her mother. You have a right to know if any exes are going to be a problem for you and this relationship. This is too important to shy away from. Good luck. 1
carhill Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 Divorce records are pretty easy to check, and never lie. How I normally broach the subject would be to share something like 'yeah, I was married for ten years and unfortunately, we never had any children; how about you?' Back before I was married, it would be bla, bla about the last LTR, then ask. Since this guy is essentially a stranger, compare words with verifiable data, then build trust over time. Good luck.
clia Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 I don't get what the problem is. I think "Are you married?" is a pretty easy and fair question to ask someone who you are dating. 2
soccerrprp Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 I don't get what the problem is. I think "Are you married?" is a pretty easy and fair question to ask someone who you are dating. EASY-PEASY. Don't over think things, OP. Just ask.
carhill Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 Married but separated / what then? Since it appears the OP has a substantial amount of information about the man's past, even if as anecdotes, she could easily compare verifiable data with the answers he gives to questions. It appears her obstacle is 'feeling comfortable' with asking such questions. OP, what is your fear here? If you ask the question 'are you married?', what fear in that process makes you uncomfortable? Also, bringing up the married but separated issue is a great point. OP, what's your perspective on men who are separated? A legal separation is verifiable, as is separate domicile, but what about non-legal separations, which are quite common. What's your boundary? Food for thought.
Author brittneyfoster Posted September 24, 2013 Author Posted September 24, 2013 I think I messed up when I asked if he had a girlfriend. He told me no but I never asked if he had a wife, which is something I would have thought he would have mentioned.
Author brittneyfoster Posted September 24, 2013 Author Posted September 24, 2013 Since it appears the OP has a substantial amount of information about the man's past, even if as anecdotes, she could easily compare verifiable data with the answers he gives to questions. It appears her obstacle is 'feeling comfortable' with asking such questions. OP, what is your fear here? If you ask the question 'are you married?', what fear in that process makes you uncomfortable? Also, bringing up the married but separated issue is a great point. OP, what's your perspective on men who are separated? A legal separation is verifiable, as is separate domicile, but what about non-legal separations, which are quite common. What's your boundary? Food for thought. I guess I didnt ask because I didn't want him in my business so early, but he has not shied away from asking questions about my childs father, why I have to go to Atlanta for court, how was court, how he and I met...the whole 9. I haven't asked him anything further of "Does your daughter's mother live in our town" and he said "Yeah, she does". I kind of expected him to share this information without asking though you know?! I have never dated anyone who was married and separated so I'm not sure how I would go about it truthfully.
carhill Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 Follow his lead. You said he wasn't shy about asking you questions. Quid pro quo. If you haven't thought about dating a separated man, perhaps now is a good time to think about it, especially in cases like this one, where the man apparently has a child with the estranged spouse, as one example of a hypothetical. Work out the preference in your mind and then go with that.
Mascara Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 It's easy - "Have you ever been married?" - yes "Ah ok, when did you get divorced?"
FitChick Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 "So how long have you been divorced, or are you still legally separated?"
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