My breakup story; Was it just not meant to be?

[EdG]

I wanted to share my story as reading other peoples posts has helped me during this difficult time. I also find writing my thoughts down helps me look at things rationally.

 

I'm 26 and so is my ex girlfriend. We broke up 2 weeks ago having dated for just over 10 months. After 3 months of dating I/we fell in love.

 

The first 6 months were brilliant, but at a friends wedding, blind drunk, I made my first mistake. I cheated. I was black out drunk, so I couldn't (and still can't) remember what happened, but having investigated frantically the following days I'm told it was a drunken kiss, but it quite possibly could have been more (but def not sleeping with the girl). I felt confused and guilty, I admitted by mistake to my girlfriend...

Understandably she took it badly. We remained in contact, I tried my absolute best to give her answers to what happened, I rang round my friends to see if they could remember, what was being said, etc. After a week she got on a plane and flew to Dubai to visit a friend and for some "head space".

I had never cheated on anyone before and I had no intention of cheating that night. I wasn't in control.

I spent the next two weeks feeling worse then I've ever felt in my life. I showed her how sorry I was (genuinely) and how much she meant to me. I couldn't believe I was close to losing someone I love over a drunken mistake, which I didn't intend and can't remember. The dangers of alcohol... Something I need to sort out!

After 3 weeks we met, we talked, we worked things out and she decided our potential was worth giving me a second chance.

 

This is the point where trust became a real issue. She didn't trust me due to my drunken behaviour and infidelity. She didn't trust me drinking. I promised I wouldn't drink to excess again... I lost self esteem temporarily due to my actions and became slightly insecure about whether or not she'd be able to love me in the same way she used to, or whether she'd get drawn into tit-for-tat behaviour.

 

She insisted I delete girls on my Facebook whom I weren't currently genuinely friends with... I did. She wanted my password. I gave it to her. She stopped me going to one of my best friends stag weekend and for the first few months having got back together she would call me/ask me to call ever few hours when I was out with friends. I felt lucky to have my girlfriend back, but I also didn't feel free. I felt tied.

During the 3 week breakup period she made me tell my mum exactly what I'd done (e.g. drunken wedding kiss/whatever happened). She also request to and spoke to my mum about it directly... At the time I thought she just needed support, but now I wonder (and have been told by my mum) that this could have been manipulative behaviour.. She perhaps wanted to embarrass me...?

 

On the whole things were good when we got back together. We loved each other, were optimistic about the future and spent evenings and weekends enjoying each others company, playing tennis, watching films, cycling, exploring London and shopping. We also booked a holiday to Thailand, a holiday I'll now be going on with a friend of mine instead... I wonder how I'll feel when the holiday comes around... I hope by then I am in a place to enjoy myself and not think too much.

 

We spent 4 months or so as above... happy. However, 2 weeks leading up to our recent breakup we starting arguing more regularly and I began to see a side of her I hadn't before.

 

A couple of things happened:

 

1. We were due to go to a carnival day together where some of my friends were going to be and also some of her friends. On the way her friends texted saying they weren't going due to the bad weather. I knew at this point it was possibly going to be a difficult day, as she seemed a little disheartened/grumpy that we weren't meeting her friends, but instead just mine... I assured her we'd have a good day. During the day she obviously wasn't enjoying herself and make no effort to hide it from my friends. I tried my best to enjoy myself and pick her up too. It worked for about an hour...lol. We ended up leaving early and on the way home I let her know I was surprised by her behaviour as I wouldn't have acted in the way she did, regardless of whether or not I was enjoying myself. It was selfish and childish. She could have at least asked to go home sooner/hide it from my mates. She agreed and apologised, but gave me on valid reason for her behaviour. Strange.

 

2. The next weekend I was going out to play poker with some friends. In the evening she called to say she was on her way to meet "the guys". Up until now I knew she was meeting a girlfriend that night, but by "the guys" I now knew what was coming next... She didn't tell me, but when I asked she said yes, that a guy she was in love with a few months before we met, a guy she cheated on her ex boyfriend with was due to be there. She knew I was cautious of this guy. Again, I was surprised by her behaviour and told her I wished she'd let me know sooner that he was going to be there. She said she didn't know, that she still didn't know if he was 100% going to turn up. I am intuitive and could tell she knew before, but it also came from her own mouth during an exchange of works where she said, "ok, maybe I could have let you know when I knew he'd definitely be there...". What! How stories change. I was annoyed, but told her to have a good night and I went out to poker. She left a few hours later and tried to call me, but I texted to say I was going to sleep, because in truth I wanted to sleep on it and not argue.

 

Looking back she always danced around the truth. Whenever she needed answers I gave them to her as best I could. When I needed them she played the victim and said I was"probing her". On both occasions above I backed down as she got upset. I assured her that neither were worth breaking up over, so let's move on.

She couldn't understand why I was annoyed that she didn't tell me this guy was going to be there. If it had been the other way round she would have kicked off, big time. Communication, something that up until now we were quite good at, was starting to become a challenge. This I think is what caused the BIG fight.

 

We continued, spent a few enjoyable nights together. Things weren't great between us, but not bad either.

 

But then! Friday night came and I had invited her out to celebrate a friends birthday. I wanted to put what happened the last time behind us and so did she.

We were having a great night together socialising, drinking and dancing. At around 2pm I suddenly noticed she was being chatted up at the bar by some guy outside my group. I was very drunk. I walked over and asked her what was going on. I became annoyed and anxious. She laughed it off saying that he'd just come over to her saying "all the usual things" and that she'd told him she was "with someone". I was extremely drunk at this point and perhaps over reacted... I was annoyed and couldn't drop it. I simply couldn't understand why she was talking to some random guy when she was out with me and my friends. She is polite, so I know she wouldn't have told the guy to move on straight away, but I also felt like she was flirting, which in my drunken state wound me up a treat! She got really upset and left to get a taxi home... I didn't realise she'd gone home (although she must have told me as she gave me my keys back!). In my drunken state and anxiety I thought she'd got in a taxi with the guy. I tried calling several times, no answer. Eventually I get a text saying "I'm safe, on my way home". I tried calling again, no answer. I am now getting really pissed so I start saying some nasty things as I'm genuinely thinking that the girl I love has left me and got a taxi with another man! I was deluded and freaking out. I need to control my alcohol! Big time.

 

Anyway, she ignores me all the next day, not really telling me what I had done the night before (i couldn't remember!!). On the Sunday she calls and explains. She asks me to bring her stuff round, that it's over. We meet, we talk, shed a few tears, we tell each other we still love each other and neither of us are ready for the relationship to end... but for some reason I think we both knew that perhaps it was for the best...

 

I text her the next morning (Monday) to wish her luck with a big presentation she had. She calls me that evening and we talk things through. We then had no contact for three days before she calls again to say she had seen a girl had added me on Facebook and wanted reassurance that I wasn't talking to this girl. I invite her to log into my account, but she knew I'd changed the password (which I'd done a week or so before we broke up as I didn't think it was right for her to still have access to my account if it was reciprocated). She must have been trying to login even after she dumped me!!? What's that about?

 

Anyway, since then I've text a kiss just once. No reply. We've been no contact for 1.5 weeks. I miss her like mad. I wonder how she's feeling. I evaluate the mistakes I made during our relationship. I wonder why and how it didn't work out. We left things on mutual terms thanking each other for the last 10 months and telling each other we will remember the good times (i really do!). During our last call when she got jealous about this girl adding me on Facebook she said "I thought we could meet up next week and talk". She said it, but I didn't think she meant it. I think she was testing the water. She also asked "why aren't you fighting for this?"...

 

I miss her terribly and part of me wants her back...but given we have broken up twice in 10 months it's obviously a sign that something isn't right, right? We shared a lot of similarities, but perhaps some fundamental differences too? I don't know. Since we've broken up my family don't seem too upset, they think she was 'controlling' me... I didn't feel that, but perhaps I was blinded by love? I recognise I have a problem with moderating my drink and I am going to sort this out! But, she was so unforgiving and knew it was just my anxiety. I didn't mean any of things I said. She said her reason for ending things is that she can't be in a relationship where every 4-5 months my drunken behaviour causes major issues. I understand.

 

We've had no contact for 1.5 weeks. I don't want to break no contact for both her sake and mine. I don't know if she'll reply to me if I did get in touch. However, I need to post a few more of her things and also return her money for the holiday. It's her birthday in a week, I'll probably send her a message/email (phone call??) wishing her a happy birthday, letting her know I've returned clothes and money and wishing her well. I'd be hoping to get a reply, but I am not sure why... but if I don't then I'll have to accept that her way of moving on is to cut all contact permanently. She's already deleted all our Facebook photos and all photos of me that she'd uploaded. That hurt, but perhaps she just didn't want to be reminded of me? In fairness I removed her from Skype and LinkedIn before that... and my reasoning was because I didn't want to see her face looking back at me while trying to work. I kept some photos of us though, for memories.

 

If you've got to this point you're a hero. I thank you for your interest. I'd be very surprised if anyone does, however if you've proved me wrong then please feel free to comment/add and share your thoughts and experiences.

 

I recognise and accept the mistake I made in this relationship. Can/should it be repaired?

 

Many thanks,

Ed G

Edited September 24, 2013 by EdG

[Philosoraptor]

The trust is broken and she still hasn't forgiven you, and seems to have been riding that wave of "justice". Wouldn't have been surprised reading your story if you said she had cheated, as she seems to still be justifying her actions based on an action months ago by yourself.

 

On your side you seem insecure in things as well and lashing out was a big sign of that. There is no trust or security right now between the two of you, and it doesn't seem like you are on the same page on making that work.

 

It can be repaired, but it won't. You two are on different levels and there has been just way too much dysfunction after the drunken kiss. I'd say be thankful you've only been there for 10 months as she was showing no signs of forgiving you and it could have been years and years of this before the breakup instead of just 4 months.

[EdG]

The trust is broken and she still hasn't forgiven you, and seems to have been riding that wave of "justice". Wouldn't have been surprised reading your story if you said she had cheated, as she seems to still be justifying her actions based on an action months ago by yourself.

 

On your side you seem insecure in things as well and lashing out was a big sign of that. There is no trust or security right now between the two of you, and it doesn't seem like you are on the same page on making that work.

 

It can be repaired, but it won't. You two are on different levels and there has been just way too much dysfunction after the drunken kiss. I'd say be thankful you've only been there for 10 months as she was showing no signs of forgiving you and it could have been years and years of this before the breakup instead of just 4 months.

 

Thanks for your response, Philosoraptor. I think you're right. She hasn't forgiven me, and as much as she thought it would be possible, possibly never would have.

 

I agree that since it happened I became insecure to a certain extent and that surfaced when I saw her being chatted up. Her checking my Facebook constantly was proof that she just simply didn't trust me. She also didn't trust me & alcohol, which I can understand.

 

It's difficult to accept, as on the whole our relationship had a lot of potential. We were incredibly similar and had a great connection. I need to focus on ensuring these drunken mistakes don't happen again. I can't be constantly picking up the pieces trying to repair my life after a night on the booze. It's difficult to accept that I had to learn these mistakes at her expense.

 

I hate not being in her life. I hate no knowing how she is. I know she'll be feeling the same, but I need to respect no contact. However, I think I'll contact her on her birthday to wish a good day.

 

Thanks for your insight.