After Infidelity what got better for you?

[Betterthanthis13]

What other things do you wish you would have done early on after finding out? Do you think it would have changed the end result, or just how you feel about things looking back?

 

I'd like to answer this question too.

 

I wish I had immediately kicked my ex out on DDay, and exposed. I let him hang around for almost 2 months afterward, making myself miserable.

 

I do not think it would have made any difference on the end result. I do think that strategy COULD affect the end result in some cases, but definitely not mine. I actually have solid proof that he is already back to doing what he was doing before, and lying about it to anyone who will listen.

 

I would have significantly decreased my own suffering if I had done it that way. At the time, however, doing so seemed impossible.

[Betterthanthis13]

In the first 3-4 weeks:

 

- Expose my version of events to her family early on

- Not communicate with OM

- See a lawyer

- Get sleeping pills and other meds

- Focus better on 180, myself (this was hard, I was isolated)

- Not try to 'educate' WS about affairs or reason with her

- Find a therapist knowledgeable in infidelity

- Made a list of my own needs and demands

- During brief false R, seized the opportunity to talk more in depth with WS

-

 

I don't know if it would have changed the end result (it's possible; there was some fence sitting) but I would have felt better about myself. The thing I was trying to do was save my family but not lose self-respect either. In hindsight, I did lost it on a few occasions, and that's a new thing for me. That's never really happened to me before.

 

It's also a hard thing to figure out when your best friend becomes your enemy in a way. Emotions are all over the place and so is advice. "File for divorce and snap her out of it", "seek marital therapy", "Plan A/B, meet her needs", "Avoid her", etc. You're focused on the Why and the How and wanting the truth drives you crazy. I was also very wrapped up in the moral aspect of it, the damage to the family and so on and had a hard time drilling down to the very essence of why it happened. I was open to hear about it, but I was also defensive because her valid complaints were also mixed in with blameshifting.

 

The worst part is You can't trust your intuition any more and that's scary.

 

The "not trying to educate" is another big one I wish I had not done. Although looking back, my effort in this arena is almost comical... if you enjoy dark humor.

 

My first thoughts after DDay went something like.."OK, I am not going to be with this guy anymore. What he did was not a mistake of cheating on me one time with one girl like I thought.... there is something really different about him from me if he has the need to sleep with all these women at the same time... what is it? He doesn't seem to know. He seems pretty miserable, maybe if I help him figure it out we can split up amicably"

 

So the first thing I did was launch into an investigation on Polyamory. That seemed logical to me. Someone wants to sleep around=they are polyamorous. Now I know that is not true at all. I read some books, joined a couple of groups, and started talking to people. They all said no, he is definitely NOT polyamorous. He is a messed up person. Look into sex addiction. When I talked to my ex about the idea that maybe he was polyamorous, he was horrified with the idea. He vehemently opposed it. It did not make sense to me at all.

 

So I started reading about sex addiction. And here we are. I think he saw me trying to help him, and latched on to the sex addiction idea because he thought if he appeared to be working on himself and getting help for SOMETHING, I would be fooled back into submission, satisfied that he was "working on himself" and we could go back to "normal".

 

All of this is very different from what you experienced, I get it... but a commonality I believe exists is that we were both too optimistic about a person who did not deserve any optimism or benefit of the doubt, because the internal problems they had/have are too deeply entrenched to be solved without digging deep into their psyche and facing their internal demons. Neither your ex nor mine wanted to do that. They both looked for the quick fix- mine looked for it in SAA 12 step program. Yours moved on to the "next best thing" in a new relationship. They are both living in a deep state of denial.

 

Last week I got absolute proof that he has NOT changed one bit. I know you do not have that sort of peace of mind that I have, so you are still giving her the benefit of the doubt and blaming yourself. But knowing this is the second time she solved her marriage problems by bolting and immediately jumping into a new relationship without taking any time to work on herself or self reflect in between, is a very big red flag indicator that something is amiss with her, that she doesn't have the capacity for true self-reflection or to be alone with her thoughts. I think she is working it with you, making herself appear to be happy, not so much because she is lying to you about it for any particular reason, but because she is totally lying to herself. If you read my ex's blog entries without knowing the backstory, you would think, "Wow, look at this guy, he has really changed for the better since he faced his "addiction".

 

He has not. He has a current ad for NSA sex on several different websites, and is in contact with escorts, and is hooking up with several different women from online dating, and lying to them all. Simultaneously, he is going to SAA, writing a contrite, humble blog about everything he has learned, and going to therapy. Everyone is so so proud of him. He is on a mission to fool everyone.

 

The sad thing is, I do not think he has a clue why he is doing it, and I don't think he will ever know, because he is way too good at lying to everyone, most importantly lying to himself.

[dichotomy]

Not try to 'educate' WS about affairs or reason with her

 

 

leading a horse to water and getting it to drink.

 

We are veering off a bit from my intent, but this is still kind of on topic. I wanted to talk about this specific issue. Because I choose to stay married, I have spent considerable time personally and through therapist educating my wife on this issue. I feel ashamed and somewhat embarrassed to have had to spend so much time educating my wife on her adultery and marriage... and getting her to finally take some level ownership how bad her behaviors and beliefs where back then. Actually, I could not do this – only the female therapists could get her to do this, which is why I choose female therapists.

 

My belief system says as a man I am to lead my family and my wife in positive and healthy ways of life. Certainly I do this for my kids, but also I am told to do it for my wife. In addition my definition of loving someone also focuses on helping and supporting someone to grow spiritually and as a person. In this way I would say another positive is that I have been able to help my wife overcome her past and get to a basic level of healthy views on adultery and marriage. I struggle to get her to the next level (beyond basic) and this is the current focus of our marriage therapy. However, I find myself exhausted and burned out over this effort and wondering why I keep at it, yet I do see some results and try to find peace in this.

Edited October 2, 2013 by dichotomy

[Snowflower]

Haven't been around much lately. Way too busy with other things these days and my H and I are doing really well. I daresay we are completely recovered.

 

I learned that my H's affair was strength training for what was to come for me later. Many things that I learned as I recovered from his A are serving me well now. I'm almost (but not quite) grateful for the difficult process I had to go through because it is serving me well.

 

I don't mean to be so cryptic but this is kind of personal stuff for me. If you're curious PM me and we can chat. But I chimed in here because what I did want to say on the public forums is that sometimes all this pain that we go through does serve its purpose later. Our painful lessons learned are not always in vain!

[Snowflower]

Not try to 'educate' WS about affairs or reason with her

 

 

leading a horse to water and getting it to drink.

 

We are veering off a bit from my intent, but this is still kind of on topic. I wanted to talk about this specific issue. Because I choose to stay married, I have spent considerable time personally and through therapist educating my wife on this issue. I feel ashamed and somewhat embarrassed to have had to spend so much time educating my wife on her adultery and marriage... and getting her to finally take some level ownership how bad her behaviors and beliefs where back then. Actually, I could not do this – only the female therapists could get her to do this, which is why I choose female therapists.

 

My belief system says as a man I am to lead my family and my wife in positive and healthy ways of life. Certainly I do this for my kids, but also I am told to do it for my wife. In addition my definition of loving someone also focuses on helping and supporting someone to grow spiritually and as a person. In this way I would say another positive is that I have been able to help my wife overcome her past and get to a basic level of healthy views on adultery and marriage. I struggle to get her to the next level (beyond basic) and this is the current focus of our marriage therapy. However, I find myself exhausted and burned out over this effort and wondering why I keep at it, yet I do see some results and try to find peace in this.

 

Oh dichotomy, try not to beat yourself up about this. From where I sit, it sounds like you love your wife and your family is important to you, so why wouldn't you "fight" for it?

 

I have to admit (hanging head in shame here) that I did something similar with my H. In those first topsy-turvy weeks where he vacillated between me and OW, I would catch myself lecturing him about affairs, respect in a marriage, etc. I was completely out of line. Yes, he had done very wrong but it was not my job to "lecture" him. I'm not his parent, nor do I want to be!

 

To his credit, he sat there and listened to my lectures. Finally, he asked me to stop, said he would think about what I had said and we would go from there. Yes, he was wrong, so wrong about the affair but I really needed to get over myself too and stop lecturing him.

 

But yes, real reconciliation cannot happen until the WS takes it upon themselves to realize the error of their ways and take proactive steps to eliminate their piss poor choices from their lives. As BS, we cannot do this for them.

 

Hard lessons, indeed!

[dichotomy]

Thanks.

 

I still remember that "Halleluiah" moment many years ago when I dragged my wife into the first female therapist and my wife started in with the line she had been feeding me for nearly two years - "It was not that bad... I did not commit adultery...." the look on the female therapist face towards my wife – a look of disgust and bewilderment at her – and then my wife’s shock seeing this on the face of another older and wiser woman, then lowering her head... with the first shame I had seen about this... and finally saying “ok I committed adultery, I was wrong”.

 

There have been a few more steps like this over the last 3-4 years, long drawn out steps - hard won steps and hopefully the next year we can resolve them. My wife has many good qualities, but by her own admission she has a bit of oppositional defiant disorder

Edited October 4, 2013 by dichotomy

[drifter777]

Congratulations on your progress. I'm a big believer that a couple can learn from affairs, if both people are willing to dig deep into themselves.

 

Why? I'd like to believe this too, but I'd also like to believe there are unicorns. Is it a gut feeling or a wish or can you point to hard evidence? I think lots of us would like to find a basis for this view.

[drifter777]

What, do you think it never ever happens? I've read reconciliation success stories before where people get a new sense of themselves and their couple, and what was missing. That's a learning process.

And I've read stories about Unicorn's as well As far as people learning something from infidelity that goes without saying. It's really what they learn and how they incorporate it into their lives. I took your statement as a comment on reconciliation, not just learning something, and your reply verifies that. So, let me be clear on this: I do not believe that a relationship can get "better" after one of the partners cheats. I think those that claim this is true in their relationship have some ulterior motive for saying it. Of course just because I believe this doesn't make it true, but I will never be convinced otherwise.

[Snowflower]

And I've read stories about Unicorn's as well As far as people learning something from infidelity that goes without saying. It's really what they learn and how they incorporate it into their lives. I took your statement as a comment on reconciliation, not just learning something, and your reply verifies that. So, let me be clear on this: I do not believe that a relationship can get "better" after one of the partners cheats. I think those that claim this is true in their relationship have some ulterior motive for saying it. Of course just because I believe this doesn't make it true, but I will never be convinced otherwise.

 

hi Drifter, you always bring up good points. I've read before where you've said the bolded above. Can I ask what you think the ulterior motive is for some of these people who say that they have fully reconciled and are happy now?

[drifter777]

hi Drifter, you always bring up good points. I've read before where you've said the bolded above. Can I ask what you think the ulterior motive is for some of these people who say that they have fully reconciled and are happy now?

The motive could be fear of abandonment, fear of being poor, fear of losing the mother/father of their kids, and so on. I think people are capable of saying anything in an attempt to maintain what they think of as a "normal" life.

 

The main reason I don't think that anything good can come out of infidelity is that it will remain in the BS's mind until he/she dies. That memory will always trigger feelings of inadequacy and shame and hurt. I would concede that a couple may be able to find other ways to enrich their relationship as they get counseling or become more mature, but d-day will remain an ugly scar in the heart of the BS.

[HopingAgain]

The motive could be fear of abandonment, fear of being poor, fear of losing the mother/father of their kids, and so on. I think people are capable of saying anything in an attempt to maintain what they think of as a "normal" life.

 

The main reason I don't think that anything good can come out of infidelity is that it will remain in the BS's mind until he/she dies. That memory will always trigger feelings of inadequacy and shame and hurt. I would concede that a couple may be able to find other ways to enrich their relationship as they get counseling or become more mature, but d-day will remain an ugly scar in the heart of the BS.

 

The motive could, can be, and is (for at least me anyway) just love. If you still love your spouse and they love you, and you are both willing to do the work to repair the marriage and the WS does whatever they need to to address the reasons for infidelity and to prevent its reoccurrence, than why not try? This is assuming the BS can and is willing to forgive and that the WS is willing to do their own work and is truly repentant.

 

I don't think it's the infidelity in itself that something good comes from, its the resulting crisis that ensues and the aftermath of putting all the pieces back together.

[drifter777]

The motive could, can be, and is (for at least me anyway) just love. If you still love your spouse and they love you, and you are both willing to do the work to repair the marriage and the WS does whatever they need to to address the reasons for infidelity and to prevent its reoccurrence, than why not try? This is assuming the BS can and is willing to forgive and that the WS is willing to do their own work and is truly repentant.

 

I don't think it's the infidelity in itself that something good comes from, its the resulting crisis that ensues and the aftermath of putting all the pieces back together.

No argument from me - not the issue I was trying to debate.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I agree with drifter - I have been in both sides of this - I can tell you I love my husband and he loves me but we have severely damaged our marriage. We hang in there for a multitude of reasons (history, family, home, finances, status, etc) and, yes, most likely fear of being alone and abandonment.

 

I think some marriages can become new and different but I don't believe better.

 

I can tell you there are things my husband does not know I think and there are things that I do not know he thinks. You just learn to keep it all inside. Most people would not know what is going on with us internally because we are both very good actors. Most would not know the sadness that exists.

 

But we forge on and there are good days - so there is no reason to throw in the towel.

[Snowflower]

The motive could be fear of abandonment, fear of being poor, fear of losing the mother/father of their kids, and so on. I think people are capable of saying anything in an attempt to maintain what they think of as a "normal" life.

 

I understand better now what you mean and honestly, I agree with you to an extent. I think many BS do try at first to maintain/continue status quo. I think I did this somewhat. I still loved my husband. It was hard to just get up and walk away, at least for me.

 

In my experience, the sheer magnitude of what has happened is not always apparent to the BS (and sometimes the WS for that matter too) for awhile, perhaps months down the road. Eventually though, the BS begins to come to terms with what has really happened and deals with it in their own way. I hope that they (the BS) deals with the betrayal in a healthy way and not by turning to alcohol, or a revenge affair or become bitter, angry and cynical.

 

And maybe this isn't the point of this thread but people post here often who have reconciled successfully, or gone on and divorced and do achieve that sense that everything worked out okay in the end. Their marriage is stronger, happier and they learned some painful lessons-or they divorced and have successfully moved forward with their lives.

 

But I do agree that knee-jerk reactions in the early days are not sustainable.

 

The main reason I don't think that anything good can come out of infidelity is that it will remain in the BS's mind until he/she dies. That memory will always trigger feelings of inadequacy and shame and hurt. I would concede that a couple may be able to find other ways to enrich their relationship as they get counseling or become more mature, but d-day will remain an ugly scar in the heart of the BS.

 

Well stated ^^^^

 

Yes, it will remain in my mind forever. Absolutely. And only speaking from my perspective here, there have been a lot of positives in the intervening years that tend to make some of that ugly stain fade for me.

 

Anyway, I'm not trying to belabor the point, Drifter, or argue. I wanted to provide another perspective based on my own experience with infidelity.

 

I hope everyone is able to achieve a sense that everything was not lost when their spouse cheated.

Edited October 4, 2013 by Snowflower

[HopingAgain]

I agree with drifter - I have been in both sides of this - I can tell you I love my husband and he loves me but we have severely damaged our marriage. We hang in there for a multitude of reasons (history, family, home, finances, status, etc) and, yes, most likely fear of being alone and abandonment.

 

I think some marriages can become new and different but I don't believe better.

 

I can tell you there are things my husband does not know I think and there are things that I do not know he thinks. You just learn to keep it all inside. Most people would not know what is going on with us internally because we are both very good actors. Most would not know the sadness that exists.

 

But we forge on and there are good days - so there is no reason to throw in the towel.

 

Respectfully, it is understandable that people would want to hold on primarily for reasons other than love. But to think that this is a main consideration for every couple choosing to reconcile, I just don't think the canvas of reasons for reconciliation should be painted with such a broad brush.

 

I've been divorced before, could do it again if I so chose and know that life would go on, we could split assets, be amicable for kids, etc.,etc. Its doable. But its a whole different thing to want your marriage because you just want your marriage and your spouse, aside from everything else.

[drifter777]

But you said no marriages can be better after. Which is extremely narrowminded because circumstances, preceptions, opinions all vary. So for you maybe it could never be better but for Joe down the street that may not be true. Becausehis thoughts and feelings are not yours.

 

But saying no good coming from Affair is not the same as saying a marriage is or is not better post affair.

 

I will concede that this may be possible as long as you don't try to say that the marriage got better/stronger BECAUSE of infidelity. I call anyone who says this a bald-faced liar or someone who hasn't been a BS.

[AlwaysGrowing]

The main reason I don't think that anything good can come out of infidelity is that it will remain in the BS's mind until he/she dies. That memory will always trigger feelings of inadequacy and shame and hurt.

 

I highlighted this part, because it is not true.

 

I am a survivor of CSA. Severe trauma at a young age.. I am not a statistic. In my teens I did a lot of stupid, toxic stuff, including getting married. By the time I was 20, I took responsibility for my life. I worked hard on unlearning all the unhealthy thoughts/beliefs I learned as a child. I was able to let go of what was done to me, I freed myself from the actions that were done TO me. Not one part of that was about me. It didn't say who I was, my worth, my character. The shame was NOT mine. I gave the hurt back to the those that hurt me, it is theirs to carry not mine.

[velvette]

I will concede that this may be possible as long as you don't try to say that the marriage got better/stronger BECAUSE of infidelity. I call anyone who says this a bald-faced liar or someone who hasn't been a BS.

 

 

I kind of agree with this. I would say that our M got better/stronger in spite of my H infidelity.