all_smiles Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 Hi everyone. I am really in need of advice so here goes... I am in an LDR with a man 6 years younger than me (21 and I'm 27) and we both live in different countries. We have been together for four months now and as much as I have fallen madly in love with him, I am a little confused and I guess for lack of a better word, 'suspicious' of things from his end. Things were going great with us until his flatmate (who doesn't like me) started causing trouble and got a huge argument to happen between my bf and I which was technically our first ever argument as we hadn't had one between ourselves as of yet. Things went back to normal and we moved on but it wasn't soon after that his flatmate caused trouble again and thus, causing another argument. Again we got over it and moved on accept by now (this is about a month in) as he is telling me more about himself I am struggling to find truth in what he is saying. He tells me of all these things that have happened in his life that either don't add up or they are very dramatic and extreme. Can all that bad really happen to one person? He has an ex and theres a lot of drama there and confusion with me because none of what I've heard about their relationship makes any sense and it makes me wonder. Well suddenly he told me of this friend that he had (a female) who he supposedly was best friends with. He hadn't mentioned her before so I was a surprised when she suddenly came up after 2 months. I should mention that we met on an online virtual game and he said this is where he met her a couple of years ago yet when bringing her up the next time he told me they had been best friends since they were little at school. Now I'm getting really suspicious...time goes on and he tells me that his friend the woman he mentioned to me is dying. He said that when she passes he will want time alone and he's pre warning me. Next thing I know he says she has a chance to live as she is going in for surgery and then he just stopped mentioning her. One day, he is really really mad and I find out that this woman told him not to contact him anymore that she didn't ever want to hear from him again and had deleted him from everything they had as means of contact. He was mad for a couple of days and then that was it never to mention her again until he tells me one morning that her brother contacted him and she had passed away and I didn't hear from him until days later. Just recently, I noticed that my name cannot be seen on his 'about' me section on his fb and that in fact, there isn't even an 'in a relationship' status. I thought there might be something wrong with my fb so I asked my friends to have a look and sure enough, I'm not there. When I confronted him about it he showed me a pic he had supposedly taken of his screen and status and sure enough it says in a relationship with "my name". I still wondered though, how it was that nobody could see it. Well its been four months now and as of a couple of days ago, I notice on the game we play it says that he is in a role play relationship with another woman. I was quite upset and angry as we had met on there and were meant to be in a role play with our characters not others. I had how much I was in love with him in real and his character on my page and yet now he has another woman on his? I of course confronted him about it very angry, and he just said that I need to calm down they are just friends and apparently, she has a husband and all they are doing is playing the game. I'm torn because I fell for him instantly when we met it was like love at first sight and I definitely had not felt the love I felt for him before with any other man. He is 21 but mature for his age and when we are alone with no drama and nobody else interfering or around, we are so in love and the perfect couple. When I first started becoming a little suspicious, I told my best gf about it and she said that I was making something out of nothing. My bf contacted her saying he was down and he was worried about us and my gf told me that if I didn't stop what I was doing, I would lose him. However, we had a big talk and he said he just wants us to be us back the way we were before all this drama. We have yet again moved on and are getting back to the happiness we had in the beginning though now my gf has decided that she is not happy about it and that perhaps there is something suss going on from his end and now she thinks I'm making a mistake in continuing the relationship with him. I'm confused as to what to think as I really don't know what I think anymore. Any advice for me? Anything at all would be greatly appreciated. (btw sorry in advance for any misspellings or bad grammer) Thanks everyone, Missy.
nomadic_butterfly Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 (edited) Hi everyone. I am really in need of advice so here goes... I am in an LDR with a man 6 years younger than me (21 and I'm 27) and we both live in different countries. We have been together for four months now and as much as I have fallen madly in love with him, I am a little confused and I guess for lack of a better word, 'suspicious' of things from his end. Things were going great with us until his flatmate (who doesn't like me) started causing trouble and got a huge argument to happen between my bf and I which was technically our first ever argument as we hadn't had one between ourselves as of yet. Things went back to normal and we moved on but it wasn't soon after that his flatmate caused trouble again and thus, causing another argument. Again we got over it and moved on accept by now (this is about a month in) as he is telling me more about himself I am struggling to find truth in what he is saying. He tells me of all these things that have happened in his life that either don't add up or they are very dramatic and extreme. Can all that bad really happen to one person? He has an ex and theres a lot of drama there and confusion with me because none of what I've heard about their relationship makes any sense and it makes me wonder. Well suddenly he told me of this friend that he had (a female) who he supposedly was best friends with. He hadn't mentioned her before so I was a surprised when she suddenly came up after 2 months. I should mention that we met on an online virtual game and he said this is where he met her a couple of years ago yet when bringing her up the next time he told me they had been best friends since they were little at school. Now I'm getting really suspicious...time goes on and he tells me that his friend the woman he mentioned to me is dying. He said that when she passes he will want time alone and he's pre warning me. Next thing I know he says she has a chance to live as she is going in for surgery and then he just stopped mentioning her. One day, he is really really mad and I find out that this woman told him not to contact him anymore that she didn't ever want to hear from him again and had deleted him from everything they had as means of contact. He was mad for a couple of days and then that was it never to mention her again until he tells me one morning that her brother contacted him and she had passed away and I didn't hear from him until days later. Just recently, I noticed that my name cannot be seen on his 'about' me section on his fb and that in fact, there isn't even an 'in a relationship' status. I thought there might be something wrong with my fb so I asked my friends to have a look and sure enough, I'm not there. When I confronted him about it he showed me a pic he had supposedly taken of his screen and status and sure enough it says in a relationship with "my name". I still wondered though, how it was that nobody could see it. Well its been four months now and as of a couple of days ago, I notice on the game we play it says that he is in a role play relationship with another woman. I was quite upset and angry as we had met on there and were meant to be in a role play with our characters not others. I had how much I was in love with him in real and his character on my page and yet now he has another woman on his? I of course confronted him about it very angry, and he just said that I need to calm down they are just friends and apparently, she has a husband and all they are doing is playing the game. I'm torn because I fell for him instantly when we met it was like love at first sight and I definitely had not felt the love I felt for him before with any other man. He is 21 but mature for his age and when we are alone with no drama and nobody else interfering or around, we are so in love and the perfect couple. When I first started becoming a little suspicious, I told my best gf about it and she said that I was making something out of nothing. My bf contacted her saying he was down and he was worried about us and my gf told me that if I didn't stop what I was doing, I would lose him. However, we had a big talk and he said he just wants us to be us back the way we were before all this drama. We have yet again moved on and are getting back to the happiness we had in the beginning though now my gf has decided that she is not happy about it and that perhaps there is something suss going on from his end and now she thinks I'm making a mistake in continuing the relationship with him. I'm confused as to what to think as I really don't know what I think anymore. Any advice for me? Anything at all would be greatly appreciated. (btw sorry in advance for any misspellings or bad grammer) Thanks everyone, Missy. I hate to be Debbie Downer, but biologically speaking, men mature slower than women; it is not the best idea for a 27yr old woman to be "serious" with what in essence is still a really really young man. I am not saying it is impossible for him to be mature and ready for a mature adult relationship that may ultimately lead to marriage (assuming this is what you want); but it is improbable. Even though you said it was "love at first sight" (could have been Skype or when you met virtually) have you guys met in real life? Please tell me this isn't a "virtual romance" because if so, unfortunately you are not in a "real-ationship". This doesn't invalidate your feelings but it does invalidate the authenticity of the relationship itself. Your boyfriend is MOST DEFINITELY LYING and is a pathological liar. If she was really his best friend, he would have mentioned her prior to the 2 months into your relationship. It is very odd for someone to not mention a best friend to their significant other in the "getting to know" stages. Your boyfriend clearly has a pattern. Did he ever meet this girl in real life? It sounds like the nature of the relationship might be the same as yours. I think they had something romantic (be it virtual or in real life) and maybe she found out he was talking to someone else (you) and then said she never wants to talk to him again. Did you ask him why she doesn't want to talk to him again? It must be pretty awful if they've known each other so long and she decided to pull the plug and he is so upset that instead of talking about it to the love of his life, he wants her to leave him alone. He is also lying about her sickness and all that other non-sense. Stop being so gullible. I am soooo freakin glad I don't do FB anymore b/c it seems to cause more problems than it's worth. Even when in a relationship, I've always left that part of my profile blank as I don't need a public declaration of a private matter such as my love life and my real and close friends know what is going on in my life. He attracts drama and is full of drama and many other things (euphemism), is that what you want as an adult?? Your relationship is NOT drama free there is no trust, no truth, no real foundation. I will say if he did have "in a relationship" as a status before when it was visible and now has changed it, it is suspicious. He could have temporarily put "in a relationship" took a screen shot and changed it back. Long distance relationships with unscrupulous and untrustworthy liars are probably not a good idea (close distance too). Please cut your losses and date guys closer in your age range. This guy is immature and not ready to have the kind of commitment your are looking for. It sounds like you need some growing up too as well as better judgment of character. It's a lot of work to be able to make long distance work and clearly you didn't have a solid "real life" foundation first so he is exploring his options perhaps within a closer proximity and you should probably do so too. I feel really bad for you as you seem like a sweet person albeit naive. Edited September 24, 2013 by nomadic_butterfly
KatZee Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 The reason that his relationship status is visible to him but no one else, is because he has made it so that it is hidden to everyone but him. This is an option on Facebook. So when he takes a screenshot of his page, of course it's there. It's HIS page. I think there is way too much drama here, the age gap is just way too large. I'm not quite sure what you think is so appealing about a 21 year old kid. Boys this age can't even differentiate their a.sses from their elbows. The fact you met him on a virtual game is a red flag, because he's met other people that same way and he probably continues to meet people. You two live in different countries. Where did you actually think this was even going? Do you think a 21 year old kid is going to just pick up and move to you and support you in an adult relationship? No. I guarantee that this is nothing but a game to this kid. Nothing about this is serious to him. 2
nomadic_butterfly Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 Well said! The reason that his relationship status is visible to him but no one else, is because he has made it so that it is hidden to everyone but him. This is an option on Facebook. So when he takes a screenshot of his page, of course it's there. It's HIS page. I think there is way too much drama here, the age gap is just way too large. I'm not quite sure what you think is so appealing about a 21 year old kid. Boys this age can't even differentiate their a.sses from their elbows. The fact you met him on a virtual game is a red flag, because he's met other people that same way and he probably continues to meet people. You two live in different countries. Where did you actually think this was even going? Do you think a 21 year old kid is going to just pick up and move to you and support you in an adult relationship? No. I guarantee that this is nothing but a game to this kid. Nothing about this is serious to him.
Toddbt12y1 Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 Katzee said it all. Just do not play around with your emotions at stake. Sounds too much like a game .
coolheadal Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 Very long and detail story of your current life situation right now. When it comes to FB everyone takes it so seriously. Does it really matter if your on this FB relationship. Sounds like that very important to you. Again he must have FB Privacy activated for only him to see not for everyone else. Seems he can still play the game without having just one relationship online. The fact is he's just 21 and your 27 and more mature. I know he thinks he is but really still a young adult. Once he hits 25 then your dealing with someone who can really handle relationships. This is odd one, but you need to really take a step back and wait and see how it plays out. Don't smother him since he's 21 and guys like that don't know what to do yet. See how this develops, and if you don't see anything you want to hold on too just move on. Just can't stay in a relationship like these today. FB world is kind of a drama waiting to happen. Leave the PC and go and take a walk in the park or along beach and think about all of this. Your mine will be free and clear to think what's really doing?
Author all_smiles Posted September 25, 2013 Author Posted September 25, 2013 Thanks everyone, you are right. Some people say I am too nice of a woman and am too trusting of people. I always want to see the good in everyone and try to avoid seeing the reality. Thanks again.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 25, 2013 Posted September 25, 2013 Thanks everyone, you are right. Some people say I am too nice of a woman and am too trusting of people. I always want to see the good in everyone and try to avoid seeing the reality. Thanks again. OP, did you ever meet him in real life?
Author all_smiles Posted September 26, 2013 Author Posted September 26, 2013 No, I have not. We had organised to meet in just a couple of months from now.
OnlyHonesty Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 You can do better but only if you believe that. You haven't met him and you state you have been together for four months and that you are in love with him. I think you need to be honest with yourself here about the above. Also, there is an element of safety when you talk online and haven't met so I wonder if part of you is fearful or emotionally unavailable. Concerning the guy, not only is he very immature, you are not allowing yourself to see all of the red flags and you are inviting drama into your life. I could be wrong but there is a possibility that this guy has quite a few different girls online and he tells them different stories. If you notice lots of holes in his stories, the chances are those holes were left after the lies he has been telling fell through the cheap net that he fabricated with them. I think you will regret it, waste a lot of emotion, time and energy if you keep in contact with this guy and as long as you do, a respectful, intelligent and emotionally mature guy who could be in your life will not be because you will be sending out 'Do not disturb' signals. In summary (imo) if you continue to remain in contact with this guy, you will regret it.
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