AlwaysGrowing Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 I don't see all this growth you like to attribute to yourself. I see none at all. I see the exact same thought processes alive and fully functioning at their well oiled best. You knew exactly the fix you were going for, you knew exactly how your wife would react, you knew exactly how much pain it would cause her, you knew exactly to keep it hidden while you were doing it, you knew exactly how to justify it to yourself, you knew exactly how not to take responsibility by saying you are only human after all...a work in progress. Give your wife back her dignity and go file for divorce. After two years, to take out the same weapon and repeatedly stab her with it again...is cruel. 4
zevahc Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 Fully understand the anger and no, I guess you misunderstand as far as considering another affair...I don't want that, someone said I was open to just jump right in and I was trying to say that if anything was to develop there would have to be talks and discussions as to what this was and where it would go..... basically if it was going to be another secretive relationship I wouldn't want it... that's what I was saying, or trying to... but it's not going that way and Im back on track with my life. I never claimed to be perfect, I knew I'd get steamrolled on here and that's fine, I've come a long way since i first came here and yet I haven't. I'm a broken guy, something in me is screwed up but I'm aware of it and I won't deny my screw ups....this one is on me and me alone. If anything, it has helped me move forward and based on all that has happened, much easier to put it behind me. Someone said high school drama.... couldn't agree more. Dude...i'm not going to try and sugar coat anything..but also not going to throw rocks. You seem to have plenty of complete self-awareness of wrong/right and you don't need judgement from me or anyone else on here who messes up.. If we could walk away and be perfect and always make the right decisions the first time...well, doubt we would be on here. 2
imperfectangel Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 There's nothing wrong with a bit of self pity in the long run I see it as part of the grieving process he needs to work through all his thoughts not just the ones concerning his wife or xmw but also himself
AlwaysGrowing Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 And yes, this was another affair/betrayal with the same ow, you might be more than capable of deluding yourself, I for one...see it for what it was from the first playing footsies under the facebook table. 2
HopingAgain Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 I have to agree with AlwaysGrowing on this. As I read through your post my thought was just exactly how much **** does Rick expect his wife to take? In all honesty if I were her I'd be on a mission from hell coming after you and ExOW after TWO years of (false?) reconciliation. I cannot imagine the work she has put in these past 24 months to forgive you and now you reset the clock and expect her to start all over again? There would just be no way if it were me. What do you plan on doing to reassure your wife at this point assuming she decides to continue on with you? And why can't your child be transferred to another School which would eliminate most of this drama?
UpwardForward Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 I don't see that. Imo it appears he's protecting his wife and the sanctity/privacy of his M, by not discussing his interactions with his wife, on here. And is taking responsibility for the prev R w the exOW. 2
AlwaysGrowing Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 Protecting his WIFE and MARRIAGE!!!!!!! Wow, I guess people really can read whatever they want into something. 3
sweet_pea Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 Rick, I'm curious... Do you truly want to be with your wife/stay married? This is just a general question. 2
zevahc Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 Rick, I'm curious... Do you truly want to be with your wife/stay married? This is just a general question. I think that is a fair and honest question...one that Rick just needs to answer to himself...and then act...choose her (if she'll still have him) and work on it...or move on...she deserves 100%...you know that though. 1
UpwardForward Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 Protecting his WIFE and MARRIAGE!!!!!!! Wow, I guess people really can read whatever they want into something. Yes obviously.
TheOW Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 Err since this is the ow/om board I think Rick can openly talk about his AP - I have seen a few of his posts in the infidelity section regarding his wife, this board he is sharing his thoughts which are much appreciated to others in a similar situation. 5
HopingAgain Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 Err since this is the ow/om board I think Rick can openly talk about his AP - I have seen a few of his posts in the infidelity section regarding his wife, this board he is sharing his thoughts which are much appreciated to others in a similar situation. I don't think anyone indicated Rick can't share his thoughts about AP. But since he himself stated that he's 2 years deep into the reconciliation proccess and just broke NC with AP its only natural to inquire about his wife and how he will choose to handle this going forward. 2
AlwaysGrowing Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 No issue there at all TOW. And that is exactly what I am addressing. If after 2 years of R? He decided that it was okay to contact ow behind his wifes back, have intimate discussions of their marriages (re:bashing of their spouses), buy her candy...leave it on her doorstep no less, be absorbed in what ow thinks, says, does or does not do....speaks to his commitment. Totally not lost on me...how both ap's talk about how the bs's don't feel connected....and the whole time both ap's are investing in facebook anagrams. 1
AutumnMoon Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 You were looking for closure. I think it's completely understandable.. Now take a step back and see, she can never give you closure, she's obviously not that kind of person.
AlwaysGrowing Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 Closure with candy?....thats a new one.
Journee Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 Rick, it seems like you set the clock back for yourself and your wife. Have you considered that you may not love your wife in romantic way? It certainly isn't the way a husband should. You may feel more fulfilled if you let go and allow you both to find the kind of love you both deserve. Don't waste another day if the M isn't what you want. It's cruel. Whether it's a popular opinion or not. It is just plain cruel. We don't always have to post with our LS letters on our chests. I'm not team BS , I'm friggin team ain't nobody got time for that. Any of us. You do not seem very happy in any of your posts. It's time for the pain to go. Not one more minute for either of you. MOW has shown you time and again who she is Rick, believe her. While you pine for a woman that rejects you , you are killing a part of the woman who loved you warts and all. I think that is telling and speaks to something about your M and yourself. You owe it too yourself to figure out why that is. Not just for these relationships but for any future one's. Life does not have to be this way. Isn't it scary that the love that is so uncertain and full of push pull is so addictive? That's what I have with my H. Toxic and on the edge. AP's aren't the only folks caught in the dance. I hope that you are able to sit this one out. I'm going to give advice that I can't follow. Let your wife go. Sit this dance out. Let MOW prance into the sunset and focus on what has gotten you to this place. There is my bit of hypocrisy. Allow everyone to move on. No more half arse reconciling. 6
secretlady76 Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 I think sometimes with R'ing is that the WS and the BS go through a period of being on best behaviour, really trying all they can. However, old habits die hard and perhaps the reasons that the OP started the A with the OW i.e; no attention from his wife, lack of sex, lack of connection, whatever it was, maybe those issues are still there. Maybe the void he was trying to fill with the AP is still there. Only he can answer that. We can all tell him to 'think of his wife' and I am sure he has been doing that for the last two years, but I am afraid that sometimes you cannot flog a dead horse and perhaps the marriage is the horse.....just you need to decide whether you're prepared to get off it or not....or trade it in for a new horse....or perhaps no horse at all......each choice has its own set of problems. Tough call. Is it the OW that's the problem or your marriage? If OW didn't exist would you go find another OW? What was it about OW....what IS it about OW...or is that a question that is totally impossible to answer?
lilmisscantbewrong Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 Hang in there Rick. I'm sorry you are going through this. This whole thing just plain sucks.
AlwaysGrowing Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 SL76, I highly doubt that many BS's are on their "best" behaviour during R. Most, and rightfully so, move their resources inwards. If they don't they are setting themselves up for more pain. It is up to the WS, to make a safe environment. They are the ones that made it unsafe. The OP, clearly has not made a safe environment. That speaks to him, and him alone. 1
Spark1111 Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 Rick, I wish I had the axe!! Where did I put it down, now? She got what she needed. You got dumped once again. Your wife is a saint who never threw your azz out the door. She never made a scene in an effort to protect your child from public embarrassment. maybe she should have. Maybe she'd be dating some nice guy who hasn't given two years of head space to another woman who plays with men's heads. Do you know how easy it would be for her? All your wife would have to do is bat her eyes and say my H cheated on me and all those guys with hero complexes would start circling to save her from YOU. MAYBE you are a man who does not cherish what he has until it has a suitcase packed and is walking out the door. We are old poster friends, and I think you, your complacency and your astonishing taking of your wife for granted is what is hurting your marriage MORE than this affair with a tattooed gymnast who one day told you you were attractive, let's have lunch, then let's skip lunch, then don't ever talk to me again. Doubt you were her first. Pretty sure you will NOT be her last. What are you doing, man?????? 6
thefooloftheyear Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 Rick is a good guy that is fighting an addiction...I dont think its any more than that. He has enough sense to know this is not right. I could be wrong, but I dont think I am... Just get angry and kick its ass...not literally, but you get the point.. TFY
TheOW Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 A woman who doesn't care wouldn't have been stalking ur fb maybe she is all over the place as well ? Maybe she doesn't want the A to start over again either but does still desires you. She could be one of the few women who is using her head instead of her heart. Personally I don't think she hates you but I think she's confused if the A starts again she gains to lose all, family, security for her kids etc etc if she really didn't care she wouldn't have reached out to you. One thing for sure is that you are not over her and I doubt she is either, you have choices to make regarding your wife but I don't believe she fulfils you enough. 1
ladydesigner Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 Rick, I wish I had the axe!! Where did I put it down, now? She got what she needed. You got dumped once again. Your wife is a saint who never threw your azz out the door. She never made a scene in an effort to protect your child from public embarrassment. maybe she should have. Maybe she'd be dating some nice guy who hasn't given two years of head space to another woman who plays with men's heads. Do you know how easy it would be for her? All your wife would have to do is bat her eyes and say my H cheated on me and all those guys with hero complexes would start circling to save her from YOU. MAYBE you are a man who does not cherish what he has until it has a suitcase packed and is walking out the door. We are old poster friends, and I think you, your complacency and your astonishing taking of your wife for granted is what is hurting your marriage MORE than this affair with a tattooed gymnast who one day told you you were attractive, let's have lunch, then let's skip lunch, then don't ever talk to me again. Doubt you were her first. Pretty sure you will NOT be her last. What are you doing, man?????? I agree. Wow Rick I remember you too. It sounded like you had reconciled with your wife. It's unfortunate that you have broken contact again. This definitely starts the clock back to day 1, not even day 1 it is in the negative now. If your wife knows and has decided to give you yet another chance YOU are very lucky. I think you should probably find yourself a good IC to figure out why you take your M and your wife for granted. 1
ladydesigner Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 I think sometimes with R'ing is that the WS and the BS go through a period of being on best behaviour, really trying all they can. However, old habits die hard and perhaps the reasons that the OP started the A with the OW i.e; no attention from his wife, lack of sex, lack of connection, whatever it was, maybe those issues are still there. Maybe the void he was trying to fill with the AP is still there. Only he can answer that. We can all tell him to 'think of his wife' and I am sure he has been doing that for the last two years, but I am afraid that sometimes you cannot flog a dead horse and perhaps the marriage is the horse.....just you need to decide whether you're prepared to get off it or not....or trade it in for a new horse....or perhaps no horse at all......each choice has its own set of problems. Tough call. Is it the OW that's the problem or your marriage? If OW didn't exist would you go find another OW? What was it about OW....what IS it about OW...or is that a question that is totally impossible to answer? ' Um no the problem in A's are the WS's! Most of them have some kind of boundary or personality disorder. Also Foo issues play into it. Healthy people just don't have A's. If old habits die hard and the WS's breaks NC that is on the WS's they STILL have the issue that was always there in THEMSELVES not the BS.
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