I need a reality check. C'mon guys, hand it to me!

[HorseLuck]

a pat on the back.. a stern talking to.. a hug.. anything. I need some perspective and I don't have many people to give it to me. Please, I'll take whatever you can offer.

 

My situation is as follows:

 

I'm the Dumper, broke up with my boyfriend of a year and a half. I ended it over a little issue and a mix of emotions. I made a comment a day prior to his birthday and he was hurt over it. He's sensitive at times, as am I. I apologized even though I hadn't meant it in a hurtful way, but it escalated into him not really speaking to me on his birthday, or the day after. I couldn't see him either, he was busy working on college essays. He said I was malicious and disrespectful at times which I couldn't comprehend because I felt that wasn't the case. And I raised the question that if I was, why was he dating me? Was working on being more assertive, so I was and kind of flipped on him. He couldn't continue the conversation because he was stressed out and had to sleep. So he just ended the conversation. I felt like the villain on his birthday.

 

He's a pre-med student currently in the process of applying to medical school. Did really well on his MCAT.

 

I regretted my decision soon after breaking up (the next day), and asked if he would consider getting back into a relationship, that I needed an answer. He decided no, we wouldn't try getting back together.

 

Truth is we'd been having a lot of issues in the past few months. It was a matter of time before this break-up was bound to happen. He admitted considering breaking up as well, which I was unaware of, as he once mentioned being unable to break up with me to his friends. Initially I thought I was giving up on him and had let him down. In actuality I beat him to the punch I guess.

 

I take a lot of the fault for our issues.

 

I realize that in my relationships though, I've placed the guys on a pedastool. Bent over backwards for them. My main focus becomes the relationship and I lose my identity in the process..if I had one to begin with. I'm needy but it doesn't shine through to the guys I've dated. They get their space. It's more my mentality of worrying and needing to please.

 

I also have social and generalized anxiety.

 

I'd been feeling neglected in the past couple months because he'd been devoting alot of time to his applications. Which is the right course of action. However, a glimpse of the future gave me the impression that he would likely always place his career before me. Heck, he speaks about aiming to be the president one day. I truly believe he can do it, and will rise to the occasion. Imagine seeing your ex as the president one day, jesus. lol

 

But yes, there was this nudging in my gut. Whether or not it was fair concern to have, I don't really know.

 

So there was constant stress and pressures on him. He also had trouble being emotionally honest.

 

Somehow, I assume he's going to recover quicker than me. I'm struggling with the common (yes I know how popular it is) thought that I will never meet anyone better for me. But I truly believe it. I don't want to though. By god I don't want to and I need someone to get that through my head. Anyway that you can! It's going to be my demise.

 

He was highly ambitious, treated me kindly, very very intelligent. I was constantly comparing myself to him. I'm now living on the premise he will contact me and want to get back together. But, I'm pretty certain it isn't going to happen. He isn't that type of person to come back after he's been hurt, or hurt someone.

 

No contact has been steady as of recently. I'm not going to kilter and mess it up again. I did recently upon reading about the massacre in Washington, telling him to be careful because it triggered some thoughts of him.

 

So i'm dealing with anxiety (which I've always had regardless), a lack of a support system, and cognitive distortions. I've been seeing a therapist for awhile now and know there's a lot of work to be done on myself. I don't intend on dating for a long time, unless he considers getting back together. Even than.. I might have a more logical mindset if that ever happens. Might as well get it out of my head now right?

 

I need some blunt opinions on this situation. I'm beating myself down hard, even if it was the smart thing to do. Most importantly I need to get over the idea that there isn't someone out there better, that I can't do better, and that my self-worth isn't dependent on him, or the person I am dating. A part of it has to do with him going on to be a doctor- this highly successful person that I will never feel like an equal to. And yes, it hurts me too having to read what I really think about myself.

 

Thank you all who read this.

Edited September 24, 2013 by HorseLuck

[Ethliz]

No matter how great the man is, no matter if he cures cancer or has the power to move Earth from its orbit, HE IS NOT BETTER than you! Stop having the thoughts that you won't do better, stop putting yourself down and making comparisons. Focus on being happy, life's too short to spend it THINKING about someone else. LIVE LIFE, do what MAKES YOU HAPPY, focus on that. Whatever makes you happy DO IT! I don't have a lot of experience and I have ex boyfriend issues also but I do what my heart tells me and what I feel will make me just a tad better. "Do something today your future self will thank you for." Time to live your life and stop living his by having your mind on him or someone else.

[Ethliz]

Lots of hugs your way; I know you'll be okay if you just shift your negative thoughts to positive ones. Forgot to mention: If he doesn't make you feel special, like you're the only one in the world for him... Then he isn't the one, you deserve to be No.1 in everything, the Queen of his thoughts, the one he'll want to always hold and kiss no matter where or the situation. You're like me, we put mind and soul to the relationship and it only hurts us and them BC it CAN'T be unbalanced, it has to be equal pure love and admiration. Equal on both sides; take the time you need for yourself, you need to love yourself as much as you can love someone else plus ten times more then you'll know how to love and how to receive the love back.

[BigGirlPantiesOn]

You sound a lot like the old me. Very codependent, highly insecure, feel inferior to people whom I considered "better than me" (doctors, attorneys etc). This is an inner core character defect that CAN be healed.

 

You KNOW your relationship had run its course, you KNOW it was no longer serving either of you, but you feel lost and alone without your "identity card". When you give away your identity to another, your *new* identity has become the relationship. If that is gone, then you are, have nothing. So it's time to regain the "you" that you gave away in the relationship.

 

I did all this. I put all my "self" in my marriage and another relationship after. I went to therapy and al-anon, where I am still a member. I found codependents do that by default...give away their "self" in order to attach to another so they wont feel alone and will feel secure.

 

Try al-anon or CODA....stay in therapy. You WILL find help. You are not alone!!!

[Copelandsanity]

It's good that you recognize that you need a lot of work on yourself, are seeing a therapist, and don't plan on dating for a long time. I also suggest being extremely proactive in creating a life for yourself because you cannot depend on a guy for happiness. Things like friends, family, career, interests, hobbies, health/fitness, your goals, your purpose in life; it's important to put 100% effort in all different areas of your life because they all combine to create a complete and happy life for you, in addition to a relationship. You mentioned that you don't have a support system. That means that one of your goals should be to attain one, whether it be reaching out to ones you are know or are close to already, or developing new connections and friendships.

 

You cannot be living on the premise that he'll contact you to get back together. I believe that you should not maintain contact with him and to reject him even if he does want to resume the relationship. The reason why is because if you do, I don't believe that you will have enough time or motivation to develop yourself into a more confident and secure person. That should be your #1 priority right now.

 

I was married to a doctor, and I hope you realize that if you think things are hard while he's doing applications and essays, things get much harder by a multiple later on. You are perceptive to have had this glimpse into the future because there is a high rate of divorce amongst those married and attending medical school. Broken relationships and broken engagements are extremely common. Once that is over, there is residency. After residency, it's fellowship. After fellowship, it's the job itself. It takes a particularly devoted, patient, supportive and sacrificial partner to be with a doctor/aspiring one.

[Babolat]

"I also have social and generalized anxiety."

 

Talk to your family GP about this and ask to be referred to a good psychiatrist, and probably a good psychologist too.

 

There are some good meds that can help you; and note I am not a fan of taking medicine, but sometimes....

[h2man]

I'm just going to go out on a limb and say (from a guy's perspective) it doesn't seem to me like you'll be getting back together... I think (and please don't take this the wrong way as you mentioned it yourself) that you both have a lot of stress/issues/etc. and they my be part of what is keeping you apart, but also I think maybe you just weren't made for each other and that's why you broke up... I just broke up with a woman who was 'perfect' for me, but I think was sleeping with someone else... I have to admit that there was a reason I broke up - I didn't feel safe, comfortable, loved, special... I think you know deep inside that there is a reason you broke up with him

 

Anyway, I truly hope I am wrong and you get back together and live happily ever after, but as you said you wanted 'some perspective', I don't think you should hold your breath waiting...

 

All the best!

[HorseLuck]

First, thank you all for your input. Very insightful and a bit of an eye opener for me. I'm enjoying just allowing myself to take in the exposure to the different opinions and suggestions. I'd like to continue speaking about it if possible. I woke up this morning to the posts and didn't feel my thoughts looping over and over as much. Might have also been work and being sleep-deprived!

 

Too lazy to quote the responses so I'll just reply. Sorry

 

Ethliz, you're post about someone having the power to move Earth from its orbit and it not really mattering in the grand scheme of things, made me laugh. Very true, though I don't know about deserving to be number 1 in every aspect of someone's future.. We were both pretty committed and at some point I think we started struggling to swim against the tide when issues consistently popped up. I do need to embed the idea into my mind that life is short. I've always brushed that statement away, as it makes me feel like I'm racing against an hourglass. Instead of it encouraging me, it always pushes me into a feeling of fear and despair. Didn't ring upon entirely deaf ears this time, so thanks for mentioning it.

 

BigGirlPantiesOn, reading your post was a bit of a shock for me. I couldn't have explained my actions pr how I feel better. I know I will need to work on not becoming closed off and distant in future relationships. Not really something to worry much about now I suppose.

 

Copelandsanity,

Having this end has motivated me in some ways. I have my uphill downhill battles, but I admit there's a renewed sense of motivation I haven't felt in awhile. Perhaps it's because I have to swim and keep my head above water or I will sink. You're right, I may lose the motivation, or would stop placing myself as a priority if the relationship were given a second chance because I would become absorbed again I think. It's odd to feel like I would lose myself in the shadows of someone else..

 

I'm intrigued at your mention of being married to a "d". Actually really curious. As grad school grew into a closer reality these past couple of months I'd started to get anxious and did some research on the subject matter. I'd read about relationships but wasn't aware the divorce rates were high..

 

When I'd spoken to H about future fears, it wasn't really ever a concern he voiced similarly. His mindset was that it was far in the future and he would deal with it accordingly when the time comes. The "no sense in worrying yourself sick about it now" attitude. Perhaps that was the correct mindset to have.

 

He was a very loyal, committed person and also just seemed more confident that he could make things work between us and manage it well while he juggled all of these other things. One of my worries was that I didn't know if I could grant him the kind of support he would need in the future. And the dreaded: "what if he met someone else in medical school who understood the process of it all betters?" "would I be left after being there by his side through it all?"

 

It feels like I failed on giving my word to him. I thought I had all of those qualities you mentioned, necessary to provide for this type of situation. The worry and stress caused a self-fufilling prophecy (i think) that I would inevitably end up losing him.

 

What happened with said doctor you were married to? What were specific issues you dealt with, if you don't mind me asking? Do you feel you're at a better place in your life now?

 

Babolot Currently I'm on a medication. Don't want to go too much into it for privacy reasons. But yes, I will see what else is out there that may benefit me more.

 

H2man, thank you for having hope yet being honest. Doesn't bother me at all. With your relationship I assume you just had an inkling that she was being unfaithful? Something not resonating right? I can think of reasons I ended it, yes. Initially I just considered that they were common relationship issues. Nothing big..no huge problems we couldn't get past. Until now.

 

 

Phew. Exhausted.

Edited September 25, 2013 by HorseLuck

[HorseLuck]

*edited

 

not sure if this was a glitch or an admin moved a separate post of mine regarding NC.

Edited September 26, 2013 by HorseLuck

[HorseLuck]

**Mods Note** this post was moved here to preserve the continuity of the ongoing thread.

Thanks

 

A little less than a month has gone by. The break-up was mutual though I ended it.

 

"H" contacted me wanting to see how I was. I assume it was out of genuine concern and love. I'd debated with the idea to respond for awhile. I ended up doing so, but it was to re-state my position on NC; I didn't want to come across as if I was ignoring them.

 

I'm someone who can't keep up small talk and formalities with an intimate other. After all, why would I? I was once able to trust my inner most thoughts with that person. It would feel fake and forced to me to suddenly switch how I act with them.

 

I guess they're respecting my request because they haven't responded..

 

so. just wanted to say it makes me feel a bit more ok even though I felt crummy afterwards. I'm starting to try to comprehend that a friendship looks bleak in the future. And if it happens, it won't be for a couple of years. Learning to keep ties with people in my life is something I'd like to acquire. I have a bad habit of pushing people away in general. It burns to realize that might be the smartest option this time. It's ironic really.

 

Still in this doom and gloom mindset, but I need to force myself to go out. Has anyone ever just forced themselves out if they weren't feeling up to it?

 

I have anxiety and it makes it hard, especially on the weekends when I'd like to go out. Makes me feel guilty because I know a lot of other people are out.

Edited September 27, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator