simpleearthlyevents Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 Hi all, I am at my... End. I really cannot take anymore. Let me preface this by saying that I worked at a suicide hotline for 5 years. I understand the sayings; "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem..." and everything like that. Like most others in my position, it is not about wanting to kill myself, it is about wanting to end the pain. I met J about a year ago. We took a class together and I always had a crush on him but was far too shy to speak with him. Eventually, I got his phone number for 'homework' purposes, and we even began to have quick yet intense discussions before/after class. We clicked. After the class ended, I texted him about what a pleasure it was to meet him... And... That was really that. We clicked immediately, spent hours on the phone every night, and started hanging out. It was like nothing I had ever experienced. I felt SAFE with him; I have never felt that with another person, I've come close with other boyfriends. But there was something about him. He was highly protective and unbelievably sweet. He understood everything I said and I fit in his arms just like a puzzle piece. For the past 10 months... Paradise. Last Thursday, we had a talk about our relationship. We talked about the love that we have for each other and about how we wanted to get into counseling just because we have each been through a lot and bring our own challenges to the table and want to make sure we have the most healthy basis for a relationship possible. J was married for 10 years, and she left him ~1.5 years ago. I have never been married. The conversation was excellent, and I felt a deep sense of love and trust in J. He mentioned how excited he was to spend my birthday with me on Saturday and how he just wanted to care for me and love me on that day and we could do whatever I wanted to do. Friday, I am sleeping and he calls. Normally I'd answer it but I was exhausted so, for whatever reason, I didn't. An hour later I wake up to 5 texts: I'm sorry C, I'm done. I don't want this anymore. I mean it. I hope your birthday goes well. I tried to call. I will be up for a little if you want to talk. So I call him a few times; no answer. Get a text: Please just disappear. It's over. .... WHAT? Literally nothing happened between those two conversations. Aside from being confused and heartbroken, it's the day before my birthday. I spend my birthday in bed, one of my friends dragged me out for dinner, and then I went home back to bed. This was the best I could do. I am heartbroken and don't understand- I asked him kindly for a conversation, but he would not respond. Then I asked him for my possessions. He spitefully informed me that I had brought them there "on my own free will" and that I should "let it go." I told him I wanted my stuff back, and that he should consider it a birthday present. I didn't have to come to his house, he could drop it off anywhere even in a neutral place. The response? "F*** your stuff." Also on Friday: I have two disabled parents. They have been a drain on me all my life. I learn that they are getting divorced. This means, instead of caring for one household, I will have to care for two and find my mother a place to live. My job is one that I don't enjoy in the least... I work 60 hours a week and barely get by between me and my parents, even though it is a good-paying job. I am an only child and without me they would rot. My friends are scattered around the country and seem burdened by me. The ones that are around do the best they can to support me but can only do so much. I have no insurance until October 15- no help until then. What I am trying to say is, I don't have anything. I don't have anything left, I don't think. J was the love of my life and I get that many people think that after a breakup, but I was alone before him for a LONG time; there are not a lot of people out there that I find myself attracted to all-round. I am trying my best. As someone who worked on this hotline, I have seen people take their own lives for much less stress. J made me happy. I tried to make myself happy, but he made everything go away. I get that's a huge stress to put on someone, but I never told him any of those things. I was INCREDIBLY supportive to him at the beginning of August when his father passed away. I took a huge amount of time off; helped cleaned the house, sorted documents, cancelled bills/accounts, purchased boxes, the whole nine yards. He was grateful and said he wished he could be there for me should I ever need anything in the future. The other thing that is going on is that I am in the process of being diagnosed with a painful and chronic disease. When I told J last week, his reaction was "That's fine, C, we will get a house with handicapped ramps. We will make it through." We had intentions to get married and have a family, like most of the heartbroken people on here. I just feel like there is nothing left for me here. Every day is a struggle even when J was around, now, it is an impeccably lonely struggle. I reach out, but no one seems to understand and make me feel ashamed for how much pain I am actually in. I never got a goodbye with J- didn't get to hear his voice one last time. This is unfortunately starting to feel really real. And I really just want the pain to end and be over. Before him, I was alone for a really long time. Even when I was in relationships, I felt alone. I can connect to anyone EASILY, but to be understood by someone or to feel cared for or to TRUST someone has not happened in my many years of life... Until J. I have done my best over the years. Even my childhood was miserable - I was abused physically, emotionally and sexually by the parents that I am being forced to take care of now. My childhood was really horrible and there was no way out. I contemplated killing myself for as long as I can remember. There has always been a "buffer" as we called it... And now... Those are gone. I have been where I wanted to go, pretty much done what I wanted to do. Except have a family but with impending illness that may not be possible. Happiness is a fleeting moment. A solute in a solvent of pain and misery in my life. Which will only be made worse by this disease, which I won't even know about until the end of October. I don't know what I am looking for here. I guess I just want someone to know my story. I have promised myself to not do anything for a week; after all, I wouldn't have anything to lose by waiting a week. One of my suicide hotline tricks put to use by myself. I am looking for peace, like everyone. I believe not everyone in the world is meant to be happy. I think I am not one of the people who is destined for a happy ending.
loveiswar101 Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 I look at myself and I have pity because I believe have lost someone I loved. After my marriage broke down I would of been one of those people you speak to, ringing every other day and even had a hospital visit once when I went to far. But reading your story makes me feel like a just a fool, I can't explain in words how you must feel but please as you say "you have nothing to lose by waiting a week" and I myself might take that on board. WE must soldier on, just must. Tears flow as I write this but we must just soldier on.....
JoelBarish Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 If you are truly feeling suicidal then you need to get help 1
AnyaNova Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 Please get help. I know it seems overwhelming now. I know it seems like there is no way out. I know, by my own experience how impossible it is to hear someone who has considered the same thing when they say that things do get better. Eventually. Slowly. Painstakingly. Breath by painful breath. You can always do it later, but you can never take it back when you do it. Please. Call someone right now. Get yourself in the presence of other people who can watch you and make sure that you are safe right now.
Author simpleearthlyevents Posted September 24, 2013 Author Posted September 24, 2013 Right now I am at peace. Content with just planning- my decision, for the most part, is made. Really the only thing I need is a good home for my dog, which I am in the process of finding. The thing that I would LIKE is to hug J one last time. I know for certain nothing will happen until my dog is taken care of. Right now, I am safe. If I called the suicide hotline, my own phone would ring. Not kidding. IRONIC. I can absolutely talk to one of the volunteers there, but they would tell me what I already know. I have talked the ears off of my friends, many giving me valuable advice. My self-worth is honestly high- I am attractive, genuinely a good person. J's evaluation of my character this weekend was just wrong. I will never know where it came from. But for 10 months with him.. I was not alone, and it was nice. As a psych major though, I can confidently say this relationship f***ed me up for certain. Trust issues, abandonment issues, ALL back in just a few days after years of hard work.
JoelBarish Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 Right now I am at peace. Content with just planning- my decision, for the most part, is made. Really the only thing I need is a good home for my dog, which I am in the process of finding. The thing that I would LIKE is to hug J one last time. I know for certain nothing will happen until my dog is taken care of. Right now, I am safe. If I called the suicide hotline, my own phone would ring. Not kidding. IRONIC. I can absolutely talk to one of the volunteers there, but they would tell me what I already know. I have talked the ears off of my friends, many giving me valuable advice. My self-worth is honestly high- I am attractive, genuinely a good person. J's evaluation of my character this weekend was just wrong. I will never know where it came from. But for 10 months with him.. I was not alone, and it was nice. As a psych major though, I can confidently say this relationship f***ed me up for certain. Trust issues, abandonment issues, ALL back in just a few days after years of hard work. I don't by it. You seem like you are here to get people to react.
Author simpleearthlyevents Posted September 24, 2013 Author Posted September 24, 2013 If I wanted to troll I would come up with a much better story, trust me. I will not argue with you. I am here looking to connect with someone who might be able to relate to how I am feeling; really one of my last hopes of finding some comfort. You are entitled to your opinion and I ask kindly for you to leave this thread if you believe my intentions or words are dishonest.
mtnbiker3000 Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 (edited) You weren't right for each other (which is common in whirlwind relationships). Simple as that... So, like the rest of us who have been absolutely crushed, get back on the horse and get your a.ss back out there and look for somebody who is right for you!! And we all have our crosses to bare. We all have problems and issues. And, we all deal with them. Day in, day out. Pity party over!!! Edited September 24, 2013 by mtnbiker3000
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