toolate13 Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 I am at a loss and very emotional. I just discovered that the woman he claimed was crazy and obsessed over him, the one he swore nothing happened with, that he carried out a couple month affair with her about 8 months ago. Eight months ago when he was being a bit distant and told me he had cold feet. i believed him that there was no one else. when i questioned him about a text I had seen. he said they were friends, that she needed relationship advice over her marriage and he was a shoulder to lean on. i believed him. eventually he didnt mention her again and I received anonymous text he was cheating he told me she was crazy and he had turned her down, that she mistook his friendship. well finally i got proof that cannot be disputed but we are now married. i received 2 anonymous texts from her before but really believed him. now with the concrete proof i see he was telling her he loved her, that he didnt feel about me the way he felt about her, he said something was missing with us and he didnt want to lose her. it ended when she pulled out and wanted to fix her marriage. he sent her very mean texts after she ended it which explains why he never brought it up and we happily continued our wedding planning. he says he never really would have left me for her and it meant nothing. i am so hurt and confused.
Author toolate13 Posted September 24, 2013 Author Posted September 24, 2013 also he has always had alot of female friends, more than male. it is making me question everything. he is 31 and when I look on his instagram he makes comments about girls being "pretty" and he has always been a big flirt i just never imagined it would come to this. i am questioning everything now. how could he cheat for months and come home to me and wedding plan. i believed him!
Author toolate13 Posted September 24, 2013 Author Posted September 24, 2013 i keep adding to my story. i just finished reading the post about how he doesnt think he loved her. im trying to understand this. was he just bored and didnt actually love her? how can he even be bored before we were married. his proposal and everything last year was so romantic. have been together 4 years. we broke up briefly in 2011. he swore he didnt cheat on me then either before we broke up but now looking back it doesnt add up. he was dating a woman so quickly last time and it ended and we got back together. now im questioning that also. how could i be so stupid.
TigerCub Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 (edited) I'm so so sorry for your pain and that this happened to you. All I can say is trust your instincts. You must be so heartbroken and confused right now - I can't even imagine the half of it. I hope that in time you will do what's best for you. I'm sure that he will try to minimize things and sweet talk you into staying, but if that happened, could you really stay without any doubt? What a jerk he is to have put you through this. Stay strong op, this will pass. **hugs** Edit: saying 'it didn't mean anything' should actually make you madder than at ease, because if he was willing to do that over something that 'didn't mean anything' what will he do when it does? Ugh! What a jackass! Edited September 24, 2013 by TigerCub 1
Coolit Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 Do you have someone IRL you can talk to? I think in this extremely hard time you need to lean on friends or family around you.
ChooseTruth Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 Oh I'm sorry, that's so awful. Do you have any specific questions or just want support? My advice would be to definitely not get pregnant right now. Things will get so complicated if that happens. Do you think you'd ever feel safe having children with him now? Were you planning to?
Author toolate13 Posted September 24, 2013 Author Posted September 24, 2013 thank you. i do have friends i can talk to but they dont understand. one said leave and another to stay and try to work it out since we are married. i want to believe it wont happen again, believe he made a mistake but it was all lies. i guess writing it out here lookinf for advice from anyone in a similar situation. yes we talked if having kids. he is my life i thought forever.
It's Just Me Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 yes we talked if having kids. My advice: Don't.
Author toolate13 Posted September 24, 2013 Author Posted September 24, 2013 the worst is he thought i would never find out. how many others has he been with. i keep replaying things in my head, other times I suspected he was lying but he was so convincing. he seems to really want to work this out but i just dont trust him.
Misfortune Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 thank you. i do have friends i can talk to but they dont understand. one said leave and another to stay and try to work it out since we are married. i want to believe it wont happen again, believe he made a mistake but it was all lies. i guess writing it out here lookinf for advice from anyone in a similar situation. yes we talked if having kids. he is my life i thought forever. I feel your pain. My marriage ended 6 months in because my wife cheated and is now living with her AP. It hurts and feels like such a waste. I at least hope you can work through things and maybe come out with a stronger relationship rather than ending it. It sucks but it's a part of life that we unfortunately have to deal with.
CarrieT Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 he seems to really want to work this out but i just dont trust him. Will he go to counseling? He has to also offer full disclosure; email passwords, open computers, phone and bank records, etc. Even if you don't want to see those things, they need to be available to you to verify what he is doing and who he is communicating with. That is the only way he can start rebuilding trust, IF you want him. But only through extensive counseling could this happen. Personally, I would probably call it quits as everything you have written seems to indicate a pattern of cheating and lying that isn't about to stop, especially since he is in his 30s and probably feels "entitled" to some more years of playing around... 1
BetrayedH Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 See an attorney. Find out your rights. Look into an annulment. You'll notice your husband is lying because his lips will be moving.
whichwayisup Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 i keep adding to my story. i just finished reading the post about how he doesnt think he loved her. im trying to understand this. was he just bored and didnt actually love her? how can he even be bored before we were married. his proposal and everything last year was so romantic. have been together 4 years. we broke up briefly in 2011. he swore he didnt cheat on me then either before we broke up but now looking back it doesnt add up. he was dating a woman so quickly last time and it ended and we got back together. now im questioning that also. how could i be so stupid. Your husband is a .. GOOF! Seriously, he's not husband material and he certainly isn't up to the task of being a loving man to you. He's lied from the get go and as painful as this is for you, (I rarely tell people just to divorce without trying) but since there are no children involved here,divorce is an option if he isn't being truthful and you find he's not earning your trust. You two started your marriage out with a lie. He lied and omitted and fact is, he did cheat and probably cheated again once you two were married. He is NOT worthy of your trust. What has he actually done to regain it? Has he ended it with her? Does her H know of their affair? Maybe you should speak to her husband... Anyway I am so sorry that you're hurting. Take your time to think. No need to make a final decision yet. Talk to your friends, your family and keep posting here. 1
Furious Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 I am at a loss and very emotional. I just discovered that the woman he claimed was crazy and obsessed over him, the one he swore nothing happened with, that he carried out a couple month affair with her about 8 months ago. Eight months ago when he was being a bit distant and told me he had cold feet. i believed him that there was no one else. when i questioned him about a text I had seen. he said they were friends, that she needed relationship advice over her marriage and he was a shoulder to lean on. i believed him. eventually he didnt mention her again and I received anonymous text he was cheating he told me she was crazy and he had turned her down, that she mistook his friendship. well finally i got proof that cannot be disputed but we are now married. i received 2 anonymous texts from her before but really believed him. now with the concrete proof i see he was telling her he loved her, that he didnt feel about me the way he felt about her, he said something was missing with us and he didnt want to lose her. it ended when she pulled out and wanted to fix her marriage. he sent her very mean texts after she ended it which explains why he never brought it up and we happily continued our wedding planning. he says he never really would have left me for her and it meant nothing. i am so hurt and confused. As delicately as I can say hon...past behaviours predict future behaviours. He cheated on you before you were even married. If it we're up to him you would have never known the truth. Be thankful you don't have children because you can make a clean break. I understand that you're heartbroken and you love him. But you love him for who you thought he was but not for who he really is. Actions speak louder than mere words. Judge him by his actions and this says it all. You have a painful decision to make. Staying married to him and never truly being able to trust him or divorcing him and feeling heartbreak over what could have been. The only advice I can give you is to trust your gut, because deep down inside you know what is best for you in the present and the future you deserve. 1
Author toolate13 Posted September 24, 2013 Author Posted September 24, 2013 the affair ended 8 months ago. but even during that time if i think back he would come home and we would talk about the wedding etc. all that time he was telling another woman he had feelings for her. i also know that they have not spoken since. she made it clear her husband knew and that she did not want to speak to him anymore. he threatened to beat the sh't out of her husband if he came near me. all this i am now privy to because of a friend of a friend. this woman seems normal, not crazy like he claimed but now i cant stop wondering what she had, why i wasnt good enough, why he risked everything for an affair with her. have there been others? if i didnt suspect at the time how do i know he is honest now? i cant even imagine divorcing. its surreal. thank you for everyones advice.
Coolit Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 I agree with BH, look into having the marriage annulled if you still can. I am a fWW. And looking at this I say run. 1
BetrayedH Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 The first lesson (and probably the most difficult to learn) is to cut yourself a break. Furious is a great poster and right to tell you that you can take your time. They say that acceptance is the last stage of grief. Try to make decisions with your head instead of your emotions. Forgive my quick call for you to annul. That's seasoned experience talking. It's harder when you have many years invested along with children and other shared assets. But you have the right not to decide as well.
BetrayedH Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 I agree with BH, look into having the marriage annulled if you still can. I am a fWW. And looking at this I say run. I think the part that most concerns me is his threat to beat the sh't out of his affair partner's betrayed husband. It's not endearing. 1
Coolit Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 The first lesson (and probably the most difficult to learn) is to cut yourself a break. Furious is a great poster and right to tell you that you can take your time. They say that acceptance is the last stage of grief. Try to make decisions with your head instead of your emotions. Forgive my quick call for you to annul. That's seasoned experience talking. It's harder when you have many years invested along with children and other shared assets. But you have the right not to decide as well. If she is able to annul the marriage though I think she should. She can decide to give him another shot after the fact. 1
Coolit Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 I think the part that most concerns me is his threat to beat the sh't out of his affair partner's betrayed husband. It's not endearing. No it isn't nor the fact it looks like he "settled" in his mind for her when his AP did come through.
BetrayedH Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 If she is able to annul the marriage though I think she should. She can decide to give him another shot after the fact. It's the most respectful thing to do for herself. As usual, true remorse is a major factor. I'm curious to know if this man is truly prepared to do whatever is necessary to restore his marriage. But with her short-term investment with this man, it's hard to argue against starting over with another man that hasn't done this to her.
Furious Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 (edited) Toolate13 BH is a great poster and highly respected for his sincerity and honesty. You've gotten great advice here. I urge to take it and realize your worth. It's hard to accept the truth when you're reeling in pain and confusion. Read and re-read the advice you've received. Let it sink in. Edited September 24, 2013 by Furious
ChooseTruth Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 thank you. i do have friends i can talk to but they dont understand. one said leave and another to stay and try to work it out since we are married. i want to believe it wont happen again, believe he made a mistake but it was all lies. i guess writing it out here lookinf for advice from anyone in a similar situation. yes we talked if having kids. he is my life i thought forever. Pretty much everyone responding has been through this kind of pain. We know how devastating it is. That's why we're here responding. My ex cheated after 14 years of marriage, at the time my daughter was 9. We are still trying to finalize the divorce. I tried for 6 months to reconcile, but there were too many lies and she wouldn't remove herself from situations where she would be around the OM. We hear stories a lot where a woman takes a cheater back, gets pregnant, and then he cheats again. It's horrible. He has to really really prove himself...and honestly after what I've been through I would hope I would instantly ditch anyone who cheats if there are no kids involved. I didn't have any serious warning for what happened to me. 2
AlwaysGrowing Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 To cheat so early in a relationship is not a good sign. Its usually a sign of a serial cheater. Please take care of yourself, try to sleep, eat when you can, cry when you need to, post here for help when you need it. 3
BetrayedH Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 Please take care of yourself, try to sleep, eat when you can, cry when you need to, post here for help when you need it. No doubt. I lost 38 lbs, and 25 of them were in the first month. That's beside the mind-racing and lack of sleep. Take care of yourself.
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