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Found out gf's past and need to vent

Vinnieb

By Vinnieb
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MalachiX Established Member

MalachiX

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Just because I have friends who think an asian woman is pretty and a white woman ugly doesn't make them racist. They don't think the white person is flawed or inferior due to skin color. They simply prefer one ethnicity over the other.

 

You can find a particular race unattractive and not be a racist.

 

Except that's not what he said. He implied that he's devaluing his gf because she slept with a black guy. Having a preference of what race you find attractive is one thing (though i still think it's perhaps tinged with racial fear). Deciding that you value a person less because they don't agree is quite another.

 

He seems to believe that she is less valuable for believing that black people are attractive and that's simply racist. Furthermore, he also said that it's not just a personal preference as to who he dates but also that he believes blacks should only date blacks and whites should only date whites. That too is a form for racism.

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Misfortune Established Member

Misfortune

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Except that's not what he said. He implied that he's devaluing his gf because she slept with a black guy. Having a preference of what race you find attractive is one thing (though i still think it's perhaps tinged with racial fear). Deciding that you value a person less because they don't agree is quite another.

 

He seems to believe that she is less valuable for believing that black people are attractive and that's simply racist. Furthermore, he also said that it's not just a personal preference as to who he dates but also that he believes blacks should only date blacks and whites should only date whites. That too is a form for racism.

 

This, which seems to be a possible deal breaker for him, coupled with the issues that he vented about, points this relationship being over. Racist or not, there problems that need to be sorted out or they should close the curtains on their relationship.

MalachiX Established Member

MalachiX

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This, which seems to be a possible deal breaker for him, coupled with the issues that he vented about, points this relationship being over. Racist or not, there problems that need to be sorted out or they should close the curtains on their relationship.

 

I agree, I just think that people should be made aware of their own bigotry.

 

No one is perfect. We all hold certain predjudices. Those of us who can admit and be aware of bad attitudes may eventually be able to overcome them. Those who refuse to confront their predjudice never change and make the world a worse place.

Carenth Established Member

Carenth

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Agreed there is other issues at play here and it sounds like that this relationship is on rocky grounds anyway. Holy **** I was not going to let that last part slide though.

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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Wow I knew this would get out of hand but not like this. Call me a racist if you want, I know I'm not. I get along with black people and have quite a few black friends. Maybe I'm friends with them because they're just like me? They also feel black guy black girl, white guy white girl. Right or wrong, thats just how we feel. So I guess they're racist too. Well anyway, she called me crying and kinda explained it to me. This is what she said. She said she is not into black guys and would never date a black guy. So I asked her then why did she sleep with one. She just said because she had low self esteem didn't know who she was. Went from Catholic elementary, Catholic middle to public high school and she was trying to fit in. She tried coke and other drugs to try and fit in. She said she would not go into details, which I did not ask her to. She just said she slept with him one time just to do it.

 

That's the thing, OP. She shouldn't need to call you in tears explaining her past! You are punishing her for something that happened in high school and cannot be changed. She was free to do as she wanted and now you're pulling the mother of all guilt trips on her. I dated a guy like you for a short time. He was the most insecure man I'd ever met. And you know what? I got rid of him when he started behaving like you. What you're doing now is borderline emotional abuse. Stop it and get over yourself, or let the poor girl go.

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soccerrprp Established Member

soccerrprp

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Good lord, the minute someone doesn't sing the same overdone PC song that everyone is so busy singing these days, it's like some kind of national emergency has occurred. Sound the alarms!! Release the hounds!! The sky is falling, the sky is falling!! Someone has the incredible GALL to have differing thoughts, opinions and feelings than the PC crowd and that makes him a racist, arrogant bigot and he needs to reprogramming at once!!!

 

And then reputable posters are being called out because they didn't get up on their soap box with righteous indignation, fire and brimstone and lecture this young man into seeing the error of his ways and then demand an exorcism be performed to rid him of his evil, evil thoughts and bring him into the light.

 

OP, whether you're black, white or green, you're entitled to your feelings. If this is a deal breaker for you, then it's a deal breaker.

 

The same overdone PC song.....and the same overdone ANTI-PC song that seems to always creep in for people who are annoyed by the fact that they are no longer allowed to be a-holes w/o criticism and/or consequence.

 

This thread is not about being PC.

Edited by soccerrprp
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pteromom Established Member

pteromom

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I get along with black people and have quite a few black friends. Maybe I'm friends with them because they're just like me? They also feel black guy black girl, white guy white girl. Right or wrong, thats just how we feel.

 

If you are attracted to only white girls, then date only white girls. No biggie. But you are using your opinion to judge your girlfriend's past - obviously she doesn't share your "black guy black girl, white guy white girl" opinion.

 

I ask you to please consider WHY this irks you out so much. That's where you need to be focusing. Why does the thought of her sleeping with a black guy bother you? What about that particular scenario is so disgusting to you?

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AHaze Established Member

AHaze

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Yeah it is a major turn off...FOR RACISTS!

 

If not being attracted to black women... and thinking white women are far more attractive, if that makes me racist...

 

Then I guess I'm racist.

 

Audi's don't do it for me either and I would never buy one, on the other hand I'm a sucker for BMW's... guess I'm a carist too :rolleyes:

 

Somehow I think I'm gonna sleep just fine tonight.

soccerrprp Established Member

soccerrprp

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If not being attracted to black women... and thinking white women are far more attractive, if that makes me racist...

 

Then I guess I'm racist.

 

Audi's don't do it for me either and I would never buy one, on the other hand I'm a sucker for BMW's... guess I'm a carist too :rolleyes:

 

Somehow I think I'm gonna sleep just fine tonight.

 

What are you talking about?????!!!!???? Did you read any of the earlier posts? The original post??? This is not about one's dating preference!

 

You're going to sleep well b/c your contribution to this is essentially irrelevant. No one cares if the OP prefers white girls over black or whatever....this thread is not about that.

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Quiet Storm Established Member

Quiet Storm

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Well, the majority of posts I have read from you are about telling people to accept the world as it is how it is and work around it rather than trying to change it.

 

Believe it or not, you telling him that he is entitled to his opinion and he's just "not compatible" with a woman like that, even though somewhat true, is approving his racism. Even if changing one's mindset is hard, we have to try. I did it to my parents, siblings, friends...and will continue to do so. Does it happen fast? No. But gradually and with enough experience and support it's possible.

 

 

I did tell him that he was racist in my first post because of his tone of superiority. I would never condone racism, and I don't feel that accepting that there are racists in this world is approving racism. For me & my family, it's a harsh reality that we must cope with. I would never be friends or include those types of people in my life, but my quest to change them ended long ago.

 

I do feel people are entitled to their own dating preferences, even if I do not agree with their choices. I am an atheist, but would never try to tell a religious person that their preference for dating a Christian was wrong & unfair to atheists. People have all kinds of crazy/kinky/weird/unfair preferences. My intent wasn't to debate the validity of his preference, but you are correct, it is an unfair, unreasonable & racist preference.

 

The family of origin issues that are resulting in his feelings are many generations deep. Even if he were to logically & intellectually realize that his judgments are unfair & wrong, it doesn't mean he would stop feeling that she's tainted. It is a visceral reaction stemming from many years of subtle conditioning. It's an emotional issue for him & logic or reason won't overcome it, IMO. She's much better off with someone that doesn't have these hangups.

 

I do agree that we should encourage change and intropection, and I do encourage change in many posts. It's just that my personal experience with racism has led me to feel that it's much healthier for me & my family to avoid racists, rather than try to change them. I'm jaded on this issue, as are many of those that experience racism on a daily basis. Thankfully, I live in an area with many cultures & races, where most people are accepting & diversity is celebrated.

BradJacobs Established Member

BradJacobs

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What are you talking about?????!!!!???? Did you read any of the earlier posts? The original post??? This is not about one's dating preference!

 

You're going to sleep well b/c your contribution to this is essentially irrelevant. No one cares if the OP prefers white girls over black or whatever....this thread is not about that.

Most of the contributions to this thread centered around the OP's perceived racism. He doesn't find black people attractive. His original vent was because his girlfriend didn't share his same opinion and acted upon it. That doesn't make him a racist. It makes him unable/struggle to cope with a difference of preference. He'd be a better fit with someone that shared his train of thought.

 

I've dated women who have found it a turn off that I've slept outside my race. Big deal! I didn't consider them racist. My tastes are more broad than theirs are and there is absolutely nothing wrong with either approach.

AHaze Established Member

AHaze

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What are you talking about?????!!!!???? Did you read any of the earlier posts? The original post??? This is not about one's dating preference!

 

You're going to sleep well b/c your contribution to this is essentially irrelevant. No one cares if the OP prefers white girls over black or whatever....this thread is not about that.

 

Wind your neck in, I was talking to MrCastle... about something MrCastle said, exclusively.

 

I wasn't addressing anything the OP said, psycho.

U mad because I don't date black girls?

soccerrprp Established Member

soccerrprp

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Most of the contributions to this thread centered around the OP's perceived racism. He doesn't find black people attractive. His original vent was because his girlfriend didn't share his same opinion and acted upon it. That doesn't make him a racist. It makes him unable/struggle to cope with a difference of preference. He'd be a better fit with someone that shared his train of thought.

 

Please forgive me, but I fundamentally disagree with your liberal interpretation of the OP's original post and subsequent posts regarding his tainted view of his gf, et. al.

 

It is quite obvious that his gf does not share the same opinion. If it were that simple. The OP further admits that the thought of her having slept with black guys creeps him out and is deeply troubled by this. Deeply troubled by this. His response and lowered view of his gf tells us more about his feelings. This is more than about preference. Again, this post is not about his preference. He's dating a girl of his preference.

 

Eh, the OP needs to move on. Like I said earlier, she deserves better.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fixed quote
BradJacobs Established Member

BradJacobs

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His response and lowered view of his gf tells us more about his feelings.

And here I'm the one being liberal with how I am interpreting his posts ... SMH .. :confused:

 

Here try this one on for size because maybe this will open up y'alls eyes a bit ...

 

Years ago dated a very nice, Christian woman and by Christian I mean a lot more devout than I think even my mother is. The subject of recreational drug use comes up. She's never done anything toxic to her body. Me on the other hand had a very long relationship with X during my clubbing days and experimented with other things as well. She's creeped out to the point that she broke up with me after we had been seeing one another for four months. She didn't do the drugs. I did. Yet she couldn't handle knowing what I had done in the past.

 

I've been in this girl's shoes and I've been with women much like the OP. Perhaps it's my experiences that make me a little more empathetic? Skin color isn't the issue here. The fundamental issue is a difference in likes, dislikes and values. Race just happens to be a hot and popular topic to talk about.

stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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Yes I'm sure I'm not making assumptions. She told me she had issues and low self esteem and wasn't happy with her choices. When her and I 1st starting talking she told me she had her chastity belt on because she was tired of guys using her for sex.

 

 

So she was basically saying she slept with the black guy because she had low self esteem and not because she was attracted to him?:lmao: Yeah, okay!:rolleyes:

 

Yes OP I understand and you're right alot of black guys do feel the same way when a black woman sleeps with a white man. It's all racist. I think people should stop asking about their lovers sexual past. They can't handle the truth when told and what dang difference does it make.

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PlumPrincess Established Member

PlumPrincess

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Oh you'll be called out for being racist. I don't think you come across that way. The vast majority of people are attracted to their own race. That normal but in this day its called out as eacist IF its a white person saying it.

You're quite wrong. It's not about his preference for other white people. The problem is him judging his girlfriend for sleeping with a black guy. I guess, he forgot to add, "That's just something you don't do. You do not cross the race line and have sex with someone from a difference race. Especially not with a black dude! His skin is much, much darker than yours!" :rolleyes:

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Vinnieb Member

Vinnieb

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That's the thing, OP. She shouldn't need to call you in tears explaining her past! You are punishing her for something that happened in high school and cannot be changed. She was free to do as she wanted and now you're pulling the mother of all guilt trips on her. I dated a guy like you for a short time. He was the most insecure man I'd ever met. And you know what? I got rid of him when he started behaving like you. What you're doing now is borderline emotional abuse. Stop it and get over yourself, or let the poor girl go.

 

You're right, she shouldn't need to call me. It's not like I asked her to call me, she called me on her own. You guys are acting like I'm putting her down. I'm putting her in a guilt trip? Not even close. I actually went over her house and talked to her. For some reason you guys are acting like I'm trying to put her down, calling her names and whatever and I'm not! She told me her last two and only boyfriend's made her feel like **** when she told them. She said they would say things like shes nothing but scum and nasty and dirty and stuff like that. I have NOT said or thought anything along those lines. It was a shock to me, thought I knew her and then I find this out. Stop throwing around the race card, it's getting old. She also told me that back in school before this guy that she was talking to another black guy but didn't and couldn't do anything with him because of her father. So now I have thoughts in my head that she's just settling with me because her father is keeping her from what she really wants. By the way, we're both in our early 30's.

 

Ok you know what, replace "black guy" with "white girl", let's say her father doesn't approve her of being with another girl. Would that make me a sexiest? Regardless if you guys think I'm racist or whatever, being a black guy or white girl is something I can never be and it just feels like I'm not really what she wants because shes respecting her fathers choice.

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Vinnieb Member

Vinnieb

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So she was basically saying she slept with the black guy because she had low self esteem and not because she was attracted to him?:lmao: Yeah, okay!:rolleyes:

 

Yes OP I understand and you're right alot of black guys do feel the same way when a black woman sleeps with a white man. It's all racist. I think people should stop asking about their lovers sexual past. They can't handle the truth when told and what dang difference does it make.

 

I never asked. I never asked her once about past relations. She has tho, and I've answered them honestly. She never asked if I been with a black girl tho. Either way, like I said I didn't seriously ask her about her past. It just started off as a joke question.

MrCastle Established Member

MrCastle

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Posted (edited)
If not being attracted to black women... and thinking white women are far more attractive, if that makes me racist...

 

Then I guess I'm racist.

 

Audi's don't do it for me either and I would never buy one, on the other hand I'm a sucker for BMW's... guess I'm a carist too :rolleyes:

 

Somehow I think I'm gonna sleep just fine tonight.

 

I'm getting the feeling you didn't read the OP so let me give you some quick points and work from there.

 

-OP has an inside joke with his friends where he asks them if they've ever slept with a black guy. Where the humor in that lies, I don't know, but I'll give him a pass as I have inside jokes with my friends that some wouldn't understand. Although you do have to question what's funny about sleeping with black people, but whatever.

 

-Asked his girlfriend in a joking way if she has slept with one, she said yes.

 

-He flipped out that she did.

 

His posts that followed the original one continue to paint the picture of a man who has an issue with black people (reasons unknown). Reading his posts, you get the feeling he doesn't view black people the same he does white.

 

That's racist. Viewing one group differently than others based on skin color is racist.

 

The (very few) people trying to defend OP (yourself included) are arguing the wrong point. This is not a matter of preference. You can prefer to date your own race but respect everyone who's not your race and acknowledge them as equals.

 

This has nothing to do with his preference in dating, or even his girlfriend's. This thread is about him being upset that she slept with a black guy for no other reason except that he's black.

Edited by MrCastle
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Vinnieb Member

Vinnieb

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I'm getting the feeling you didn't read the OP so let me give you some quick points and work from there.

 

-OP has an inside joke with his friends where he asks them if they've ever slept with a black guy. Where the humor in that lies, I don't know, but I'll give him a pass as I have inside jokes with my friends that some wouldn't understand. Although you do have to question what's funny about sleeping with black people, but whatever.

 

-Asked his girlfriend in a joking way if she has slept with one, she said yes.

 

-He flipped out that she did.

 

His posts that followed the original one continue to paint the picture of a man who has an issue with black people (reasons unknown). Reading his posts, you get the feeling he doesn't view black people the same he does white.

 

That's racist. Viewing one group differently than others based on skin color is racist.

 

The (very few) people trying to defend OP (yourself included) are arguing the wrong point. This is not a matter of preference. You can prefer to date your own race but respect everyone who's not your race and acknowledge them as equals.

 

This has nothing to do with his preference in dating, or even his girlfriend's. This thread is about him being upset that she slept with a black guy for no other reason except thay he's black.

 

And here's the problem with the ones looking for a reason the throw the race card at me. You're assuming things that did not happen. I did NOT flip out, I did NOT call her names or try to put her down.

MrCastle Established Member

MrCastle

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And here's the problem with the ones looking for a reason the throw the race card at me. You're assuming things that did not happen. I did NOT flip out, I did NOT call her names or try to put her down.

 

You made a thread about your girlfriend sleeping with a black dude because it bothered you.

 

We won't know for sure what you told her or how you reacted, but her getting upset enough to tell you "I had low self esteem" as a way to mend the situation indicates to me you did not react like an open minded, unbiased, mature adult.

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MrCastle Established Member

MrCastle

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Op your title also says it all. "Found out gf's past and need to vent"

 

The key term being "need to vent."

 

Vent about what? That she slept with a black guy. You needed to come here and "vent."

 

Would you have vented if she slept with a white guy? No.

 

She slept with a black guy and that bothers you because you have an issue with black people.

 

You're not burning crosses on lawns, kudos to you. But subtle, subdued racism is still racism.

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Vinnieb Member

Vinnieb

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You made a thread about your girlfriend sleeping with a black dude because it bothered you.

 

We won't know for sure what you told her or how you reacted, but her getting upset enough to tell you "I had low self esteem" as a way to mend the situation indicates to me you did not react like an open minded, unbiased, mature adult.

 

She got upset because she was pretty much replaying her past relations when she told them. She said she was feeling like crap and started remembering how the last two times went down. I asked her why would she feel that way with me when I have said nothing along the lines for her to feel that way, she just said she didn't know.

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Vinnieb Member

Vinnieb

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She also told me that back in school before this guy that she was talking to another black guy but didn't and couldn't do anything with him because of her father. So now I have thoughts in my head that she's just settling with me because her father is keeping her from what she really wants. By the way, we're both in our early 30's.

 

Ok you know what, replace "black guy" with "white girl", let's say her father doesn't approve her of being with another girl. Would that make me a sexiest? Regardless if you guys think I'm racist or whatever, being a black guy or white girl is something I can never be and it just feels like I'm not really what she wants because shes respecting her fathers choice.

MrCastle Established Member

MrCastle

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Dude, just stop. You came on here to vent about your gf sleeping with a black guy because you have an issue with black people. You said you asked a black friend what he would do if he found out his girl banged a white dude, but did you tell him "the reason I'm asking is because my girl slept with a black guy one time, almost 20 years ago." If you did, what was his answer?

 

He said he would kick her to the curb. Oh, that friend is black by the way. Don't want you thinking I was asking one of my white friends. Like I said, I'm not a racist. Right or wrong this bothers me. It's a lot for me to take in that my gf had sex with a black guy just to have sex with him and that shes also attracted to black guys. Like I said, everybody is entitled to their own opinion. [/Quote]

 

If you can't see an issue with this I really don't have much more to say.

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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