Found out gf's past and need to vent

[Vinnieb]

Wow I knew this would get out of hand but not like this. Call me a racist if you want, I know I'm not. I get along with black people and have quite a few black friends. Maybe I'm friends with them because they're just like me? They also feel black guy black girl, white guy white girl. Right or wrong, thats just how we feel. So I guess they're racist too. Well anyway, she called me crying and kinda explained it to me. This is what she said. She said she is not into black guys and would never date a black guy. So I asked her then why did she sleep with one. She just said because she had low self esteem didn't know who she was. Went from Catholic elementary, Catholic middle to public high school and she was trying to fit in. She tried coke and other drugs to try and fit in. She said she would not go into details, which I did not ask her to. She just said she slept with him one time just to do it.

[Vinnieb]

Just so you know this is your own fault for asking about her past. You like her, she likes you, why in the hell would you care who she slept with before you?

 

I didn't ask about her past. Like I said, it was a joke question.

[Carenth]

This reminds me of a friend of mine who found out his girlfriend was bi-sexual and became incredibly paranoid about her being attracted to her female friends. He became controlling and tried to limit her interactions with people (of both sexes) and was very judgmental and basically became a self fulfilling prophecy.

 

She did end up leaving him for a women but it was because he was such a ****ing jackass and she found someone who treated her like she deserved to be treated.

[bubbaganoosh]

I think I would be pissed off too. Not the white/black thing but you were saying that when you guys go out she leaves you there and goes off with her friends and thinks nothing of it. That is just ignorance on her part and it doesn't seem to bother her at all. Then she gets bent out of shape when you have pictures of you and your old GF and she makes you take them down but it's fine for her to leave her pictures up. That my friend is your real issue and you more worried about her past sex partners. Try having her act more like a girlfriend with a bit more respect for you rather than being walked over like you don't count for anything. She is a very ill mannered girl not to mention immature.

[Carenth]

Cool so you and your friends believe in segregation of races and thing there is something wrong with mixed race relationships. What era were these beliefs considered normal again?

 

Can you actually explain what is wrong with it other than your own prejudices?

[Misfortune]

Wow I knew this would get out of hand but not like this. Call me a racist if you want, I know I'm not. I get along with black people and have quite a few black friends. Maybe I'm friends with them because they're just like me? They also feel black guy black girl, white guy white girl. Right or wrong, thats just how we feel. So I guess they're racist too. Well anyway, she called me crying and kinda explained it to me. This is what she said. She said she is not into black guys and would never date a black guy. So I asked her then why did she sleep with one. She just said because she had low self esteem didn't know who she was. Went from Catholic elementary, Catholic middle to public high school and she was trying to fit in. She tried coke and other drugs to try and fit in. She said she would not go into details, which I did not ask her to. She just said she slept with him one time just to do it.

 

You're with a white girl so you have your WGuy/WGirl relationship. To not like someone because of what race they had relations with before you, is something else. You're punishing someone because of something they did in their past, before they ever knew you existed or thought of being with you. It's just one of those WTF things IMO. This seems like something that you need to tell/ask your dates before things go too far.

 

I have never ever had that kind of thought in my life. It's like saying that no matter how much you love someone, you won't be with them because he/she isn't a virgin. You might as well not put your d**k in her for fear of touching the previous guy's d**k.

 

Are you sure that your friend didn't interpret your question as if his wife/gf was cheating with someone else period?

[Quiet Storm]

You know you are a good poster but it's annoying as hell that you never want to change anything. I sure hope you are not like that in your personal life. "Oh you're the biggest ******* that ever walked on planet. Accept it even though it's bad because that's who you are."

 

How about telling people to actually THINK about why they have the idiotic standards that they do and god forbid try to change them?

 

If you read my posts outside of the dating forum, you will see that I do encourage people to change all the time. When people are in emotional pain, when they are being manipulated, when they are accepting less than they deserve, when they are hurting those they claim to love.

 

I see dating as a search for a compatible partner. I see no point in staying with someone that must change to fit your ideal. If you are married, if you have kids together- then it is worth working on it and compromising. But when you are just dating, I think its smarter to look for someone that has the qualities and character traits that you admire and respect. The girl in this scenario would be better off finding a guy that doesn't feel this way, instead of staying with a racist and trying to change him. When it comes to things like values & morals, those issues are huge. It is much better to figure it out early. So many marriages end, so many kids lives are turned upside down because couples realize too late that they are not compatible.

 

I stopped trying to change racist people long ago. (My husband is black and we have three mixed kids.) I think those feelings of superiority run very deep. He's not going to change those feelings from our advice because he doesn't see it as a problem. What would prompt him to change? In my experience, racists needs a catalyst for change. A common one is having a mixed grandchild. I see it as being similar to gay rights. Having a gay family member & loving that person has inspired many people to change their views. I don't feel the poster is interested in and/or equipped to be introspective enough to change his mindset, so I just think he should let the girl go. She deserves someone that won't judge her. He is not that guy.

Edited September 24, 2013 by Quiet Storm

[mesmerized]

If you read my posts outside of the dating forum, you will see that I do encourage people to change all the time. When people are in emotional pain, when they are being manipulated, when they are accepting less than they deserve, when they are hurting those they claim to love.

 

I see dating as a search for a compatible partner. I see no point in staying with someone that must change to fit your ideal. If you are married, if you have kids together- then it is worth working on it and compromising. But when you are just dating, I think its smarter to look for someone that has the qualities and character traits that you admire and respect. The girl in this scenario would be better off finding a guy that doesn't feel this way, instead of staying with a racist and trying to change him. When it comes to things like values & morals, those issues are huge. It is much better to figure it out early. So many marriages end, so many kids lives are turned upside down because couples realize too late that they are not compatible.

 

I stopped trying to change racist people long ago. (My husband is black and we have three mixed kids.) I think those feelings of superiority run very deep. He's not going to change those feelings from our advice because he doesn't see it as a problem. What would prompt him to change? In my experience, racists needs a catalyst for change. A common one is having a mixed grandchild. I feel that its similar to gay rights. Having a gay family member & loving that person inspires change. I don't feel the poster is interested in and/or equipped to be introspective enough to change his mindset, so I just think he should let the girl go. She deserves someone that won't judge her. He is not that guy.

 

Well, the majority of posts I have read from you are about telling people to accept the world as it is how it is and work around it rather than trying to change it.

 

Believe it or not, you telling him that he is entitled to his opinion and he's just "not compatible" with a woman like that, even though somewhat true, is approving his racism. Even if changing one's mindset is hard, we have to try. I did it to my parents, siblings, friends...and will continue to do so. Does it happen fast? No. But gradually and with enough experience and support it's possible.

[Carenth]

Quiet Storm I agree with you in that in cases like this is is pretty much pointless to try and change a person as these sort of beliefs go very deep and as you said very rarely change. Only something confronting that forces them to sit up and think about how ridiculous these views are will have any affect if at all.

 

OP you should dump your girlfriend and let her find someone who cares for her for who she is. Who doesn't have ridiculous outdated views on social interactions between races. You say you are not racist but your outright disgust at the idea of this happening in the past says otherwise and is rather telling.

[BradJacobs]

I can only conclude that you are a bigot based on your information. Otherwise, are you insecure about not having a large enough penis (to further fuel the stereotype)?

How incredibly insensitive of you to believe that only your way of thinking is the right one.

 

People have preferences. That's all this is.

 

If a dude doesn't want to be with a white girl that's been with a black dude then that's his preference.

 

For the record, I've slept with just about every major ethnic group that exists on this planet. I've had white girls tell me that they couldn't date me because of my past. No big deal. It's their preference.

[MrCastle]

How incredibly insensitive of you to believe that only your way of thinking is the right one.

 

People have preferences. That's all this is.

 

If a dude doesn't want to be with a white girl that's been with a black dude then that's his preference.

 

For the record, I've slept with just about every major ethnic group that exists on this planet. I've had white girls tell me that they couldn't date me because of my past. No big deal. It's their preference.

 

There is preference and then there is racism. OP's stance (and anyone who agrees) is racist.

 

He has derogatory feelings about a specific ethnic group. He doesn't view them the same way he views whites. That's not preference. That's racism.

[TheGuard13]

Another vote for insecure.

[BradJacobs]

There is preference and then there is racism. OP's stance (and anyone who agrees) is racist.

 

He has derogatory feelings about a specific ethnic group. He doesn't view them the same way he views whites. That's not preference. That's racism.

There are a ton of racist people in this world then because I know a lot of blacks and asians that will not date outside their race and want to keep their bloodlines pure. That's a preference. It's not racism.

 

Are y'all making a bigger fuss out of this to appear as though you're not racist?

[CarrieT]

He has derogatory feelings about a specific ethnic group. He doesn't view them the same way he views whites. That's not preference. That's racism.

^^^ this ^^^

 

Despite the OP's multiple protestations against being a racist, the mere fact that he came to this site to post about "gf's past" and the "need to vent" contradict his statements of not being a racist.

 

Obviously it bothers him. He can have African American friends and still be bothered by his white girlfriend sleeping with one. That is racism.

[MrCastle]

There are a ton of racist people in this world then because I know a lot of blacks and asians that will not date outside their race and want to keep their bloodlines pure. That's a preference. It's not racism.

 

Are y'all making a bigger fuss out of this to appear as though you're not racist?

 

There is a big difference between preferring your own ethnicity for cultural or reproductive reasons yet respecting and acknowledging other ethnicities as equals, and having to "vent" because your girlfriend slept with a non white guy one time.

 

If you can't see the difference I don't know what to say.

[BradJacobs]

I see the difference just fine, I simply don't agree he's a racist.

 

He prefers to be with a white girl who hasn't slept with someone outside her own race. I know a lot of people like him just change white to any number of ethnic groups.

 

It's easy to throw around the race card. It's difficult to acknowledge that skin color can be a major turn off to some people.

[MrCastle]

I see the difference just fine, I simply don't agree he's a racist.

 

He prefers to be with a white girl who hasn't slept with someone outside her own race. I know a lot of people like him just change white to any number of ethnic groups.

 

It's easy to throw around the race card. It's difficult to acknowledge that skin color can be a major turn off to some people.

 

Yeah it is a major turn off...FOR RACISTS!

[BradJacobs]

Yeah it is a major turn off...FOR RACISTS!

Just because I have friends who think an asian woman is pretty and a white woman ugly doesn't make them racist. They don't think the white person is flawed or inferior due to skin color. They simply prefer one ethnicity over the other.

 

You can find a particular race unattractive and not be a racist.

 

It's a tougher pill to swallow but that doesn't make it any less true.

[mesmerized]

Just because I have friends who think an asian woman is pretty and a white woman ugly doesn't make them racist. They don't think the white person is flawed or inferior due to skin color. They simply prefer one ethnicity over the other.

 

You can find a particular race unattractive and not be a racist.

 

It's a tougher pill to swallow but that doesn't make it any less true.

 

why does he care that his woman slept with someone who he doesn't consider "attractive"? I didn't know men cared so much about other men's "attractiveness". We both know what is going on here. Don't tell me you actually are that naive.

[Carenth]

Just because I have friends who think an asian woman is pretty and a white woman ugly doesn't make them racist. They don't think the white person is flawed or inferior due to skin color. They simply prefer one ethnicity over the other.

 

You can find a particular race unattractive and not be a racist.

 

It's a tougher pill to swallow but that doesn't make it any less true.

 

Except this isn't what is happening with the OP of this thread. The OP has stated some form of disgust at the idea that his girlfriend had sex with someone of another race in the past.

 

In what context is this an issue? It is nothing to do with his preference or attraction and is purely based on his prejudices towards another race. I'm sorry but that is racist.

 

If that is not racist then I don't know what is. I'm going to go tell my girlfriend I'm disgusted she had sex with someone of another race other than mine in the past. For no other reason other than race. Oh wait no I won't because

 

A) That is ****ing ridiculous.

B) She is with me now and I don't give a **** about her past or who she slept with. (other than having safe sex of course)

Edited September 24, 2013 by Carenth

[Bubberfly]

The fact that you repeated that you're "not a racist" makes you sound racist LOL

Honestly, it's none of your business who she did or didn't sleep with long before you existed. As long as she's only with you now, her past doesn't matter. And don't worry, she won't get "black guy" on you *rolls eyes*

[CrystalCastles]

Op why do you care?

 

Your gf can't un-sleep with the black guy.

 

Either dump her or stop caring.

[Misfortune]

They have other typical relationship issues but the thing that's really getting to him is the color black.

 

I have this joke I use. I usually use it on white guys and my black friends. You pretty much just ask "have you ever admitted to having sex with a black guy?" Usually they say NO! then you just laugh and say so you keep it a secret.

 

He even has a secret agenda "joke" question that is solely focused on black guys, to find out who's tainted by the darkness. We all know that once you go black, "...you keep it a secret". He's not racist at all. -_-

 

"I'm not a racist. I have black friends"<--- Classics, along with "I did not have sexual relations with...."

 

She told me she had low self esteem in school, she didn't have to spell it out for me so I know she slept around a lot which also bothers me. Like I said, I'm not a racist. Right or wrong this bothers me. It's a lot for me to take in that my gf had sex with a black guy just to have sex with him and that shes also attracted to black guys.

 

While most people would be concerned by the number of partners/experience/STDs that she may/may not have or, seek to bolster their partners self esteem, his main concern is her relations with a black man. It's an unbelievable revelation that's a lot for him to take in and might just be a deal breaker for him, but he is NOT a racist, he just prefers his women to not be attracted to or have relations with a..... Let's rewrite the dictionary while we're at it.

 

We use to have a great relationship, then I found out that she.....took an arrow to the knee.

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

Ok so I've been with my gf for almost 5 months now. Things were going great. <snip>

 

I'd be more concerned if my girlfriend slept with 50 white guys than 1 black guy, but that's just me.

 

The disrespect your girlfriend showed you earlier in your post (her ditching you at parties and then making fun of you for feeling awkward) is a good reason to dump her though, imho.

Edited September 24, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
snipped full quote

[Misfortune]

The disrespect your girlfriend showed you earlier in your post (her ditching you at parties and then making fun of you for feeling awkward) is a good reason to dump her though, imho.

 

Normally, those things would end a relationship or cause many conflicts that would need to be resolved, but there is a more pressing matter at hand.