Author wired55 Posted September 27, 2013 Author Posted September 27, 2013 I'm sure you're right - this approach is to force all the responsibility onto you, and I'm afraid it's a familiar path. I refused to do this, and hung on for a long time saying that if she wanted to end it, she should go. She eventually did. And yes, the 'storyline' for your boy is an important consideration for her, as it was for my wife. My son tells me he knows that she left me, and I'm sure she hates this. Of course you flail here. Check the logic. She's saying it's clear you need to separate, but it's up to you to decide whether to work on the marriage? Stay and work on the marriage on your own? That doesn't stack up. If you want to work on the marriage together, and she's really prepared to do her share of that, then it's not clear that you need to separate at all - in fact quite the opposite. You can't decide this for her, but you can give her the option instead of you holding it all. To do this successfully, you need to be clear which way you want it to go. Do you really want to split, or would you like to work it out? If the latter, you can give HER the option of staying and working on it - MC or whatever route you think best. And if she doesn't want to do that, then SHE is the one who wants to go, isn't she? I know it's very difficult to get clarity in the position you're in. I'm still struggling to get clarity in my situation. I've been separated 14 months and I still have no idea if she's divorcing me or not. Hang in there, try to keep a clear head and keep it rational. The emotions involved can really warp the logic. Wow, great stuff. Thank you. I just go back and forth so much and have been for so long that I do have a hard time making the decision for myself. I do think part of me still loves her, but I just don't see anyway out of cycle we have been in for years. I have gone into it thinking I will be the one to change and it hasn't. There is some of me ,though, that believes maybe I haven't done all I can do for the marriage and that tends to keep me around, but I just don't know if I can get over all the disrespect and disdain we have shown towards each other and do much more than I have done. I have one other unfortunate obstacle that might force my decision in the near future. I did get somewhat of a prenup before we got married, and there is a large increase in the lump sum that she would get if we go past our anniversary in october. Money is not everything, but we have been so stagnant for so long, maybe this will light a fire under me to finally make the decision.
vla1120 Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 (edited) Hey wired, I didn't read every post, just enough to tell you this. I stayed for 32 years in a similar marriage (though he also cheated on me) FOR THE CHILDREN. I have three beautiful daughters. All three are on anti-depressants, two have eating disorders, all three continue to have dysfunctional relationships. Now, after 32 years, I am finally leaving. The girls are taking it very hard. Perhaps if I had left all those years ago, they might have had a more content childhood without the constant fighting and chaos and perhaps they would be better equipped to handle relationships. We'll never know. Edited September 27, 2013 by vla1120
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