tth4 Posted September 23, 2013 Posted September 23, 2013 I’m completely new to this, have never done anything like this before but thought I would give it a go because everyone seems really supportive and helpful. I realise I have written a lot, but I really need some clarification so if you could spare some time to read this then please do! A few days ago my boyfriend of just over a year broke my heart. I knew him from school and always thought of him as my first love. Over the years I’ve always thought and about him and how he is the person I have only ever truly loved, despite being in relationships with other men. Last summer, we randomly met again and he pursued me for months before I agreed to go out with him. He gave up smoking for me and said he would do anything for me. I was very apprehensive and took a long time because I thought he had changed a lot since school and I was also with a guy before him who suddenly broke it off with me and I therefore lost a lot of trust in men. But he treated me so well and we got on amazingly. He promised never to treat me badly etc, said he had always thought of me over other girls and it took me a lot but I really started to trust him and believe in us. He seemed absolutely dedicated to making us work. We went away places like Paris and he really showed how much he loved me, he would talk about how much he wanted to marry/have children and how he wanted to move in with me. I was always much more reserved because I had barriers up from before, but he broke them down and I believed he would be the man I would be with forever. I loved everything about him and always made sure he knew this. I felt like I was a good girlfriend- he had loads of friends that he’d spend a lot of time with and I would never complain-don’t get me wrong we saw each other a lot too, I just felt quite lonely when he was with his friends. I seemed to prioritise seeing him and was always worrying about where he was/who he was with. I don’t know if these trust issues came because the guy I was with before hurt me or because my dad walked out on me when I was younger, or because I’d heard rumours that he’d cheated on his ex-girlfriend (which I really don’t think were true). But he never gave me any reason not to trust him anyway, and over time I trusted him more and more. We did argue sometimes about really small, insignificant things, but everytime we did it would get quite heated, he had a very bad temper and was pretty intimidating at times. I seemed to know how to push his buttons and wind him up, and he would always say really horrible things. We would argue in the street and he would storm away from me quite often. I think we both just knew how to get under each others skin. Other than that our time together was amazing. We went on holiday for a week recently, during which time we had 3 quite explosive, hurtful arguments. We would always reconcile though and I didn’t think it would mean much because we got on really well when we weren’t arguing. We made each other so happy. However, the day after we got back from holiday he broke up with me. We had argued in the morning (admittedly this was my fault- he had phoned asking to meet up for the day and I had been distant/horrible to him because he had been out the night before ie the night we got back from holiday, and felt a bit unwanted- this sounds ridiculous and crazy I know!). But we met up, and he impulsively split up with me because he was angry with me and blamed it on the fact that we argued. He also said he didnt want to move in together and couldn't commit. I have no idea where this came from! I didn't particularly want to move in either because I wasn't ready but I didn't tell him this because I didn't want to cause any rifts or bad feelings as he seemed so set on it. The next day, we met up and he said how breaking up with me was the biggest mistake of his life, that he wanted me back and he would never treat me like that again. He said he realized how happy we made each other, and it didn’t matter that we argued because I made him so happy that the arguments were just part of the relationship. He treated me really well and proved to me that he really wanted us to work (I was obviously apprehensive and lost a lot of trust in him) but I took him back, and we went back to getting on really well. We still argued sometimes but really not too often. He had been really busy and I would always wait and see when suited him to meet and never make any other plans before knowing when I could see him. He didn’t really seem to mind that we werent meeting that much though, probably because he was the busy one. I did feel pretty unhappy and lonely sometimes and I don’t know why. I felt like I couldn’t just call him out of the blue, even though he said I could, I just felt like I couldn’t. And then last week we had 3 silly arguments over nothing- it was me that had the issues and then instead of talking it over, it would escalate into an argument resulting in us both making each other feel like rubbish. He would often shout at me and say abusive things, then phone later and say that he didn’t want to fight anymore. I would obviously still be quite hurt at what he’d said so I wouldn’t let it go and then the argument would start again, until it ran its course. I feel like these arguments were all my fault and on Friday he was meant to come to stay at mine for the weekend. We’d had it planned for a while and were very excited. However, we had an argument the night before (I feel like I caused this one too), he got nasty again and ended up hanging up on me. He then tried to put it right because I had an assessment on the Friday morning, but again I felt like rubbish because of things that had been said and the argument continued. He told me he was going to sleep and I phoned him because I couldn’t focus on my test knowing that we’d argued. I just felt pretty paranoid and accused him of lying about going to bed because he always phoned me before he went to bed, but he wasn’t lying and just hadn’t been feeling well. I feel really stupid about this now. He said the reason he hadn’t phoned was because he didn’t really care. Then on Friday morning he texted me saying how much he was looking forward to seeing me that night, wished me luck for my assessment and told me he loved me. He then phoned twice to wish me luck, but I was sleeping and didn’t hear my phone. I felt like he’d treated me a bit rubbish the night before because I’d not managed to do any work due to the argument, so texted him saying that I couldn’t speak to him that morning because I needed to focus on myself and my assessment for once, instead of us. He was nice about it and wished me luck again. We arranged that he’d phone me when he got out of work later to make plans for that night. When he phoned, I could tell straight away that he was angry. He asked when he should come to my house and told him I didn’t want to meet if he was going to be annoyed, which he replied that he would be like that all night. He told me he wouldn’t come down and actually sounded relieved about it. Obviously I was gutted because I’d been preparing for it all day. He said he’d phone me when he got home because I got really upset and told him how much he was hurting me. He phoned me ten minutes later and I told him it was my grans funeral that day, hoping that he’d maybe understand why I hadn’t been myself. He didn’t seem that bothered and then just broke up with me over the phone. He said he didn’t want to see me and that the thought of phoning me filled him with dread. He said that he was really sorry but he was really unhappy and is never normally angry, I just brought that side out in him. He said that the arguments were just too much and that he was right to end it the first time and should have stuck with it. He said that I wouldn’t realise at the moment, but would look back in time and realise it was the best for both of us, especially with me having my final exams coming up in February. I tried to make him realise how happy we make each other and how we were going to have a great weekend, but he just kept saying he was unhappy and that even if we had a great weekend, we’d argue again at some point down the line. But don’t all couples argue? Isn’t that normal? He said he’ll not contact me again, and he hasn’t. So that was it. A year together amounted to an hours phonecall. I feel like I can understand where he’s coming from but when I look back at the arguments last week, I realise that it was my issues and insecurities that started them all off. They wouldn’t have happened if I’d just kept my mouth shut. I feel like this is all my fault, and I’ve lost the love of my life. At times I would feel quite unhappy, but I also felt like we were perfect together and we got on so well. He’d promised to take me away for my birthday which is soon, and now its as if he never even knew me. How can he have said in the morning how much he was looking forward to seeing me, then change his mind and split up with me? Why was he so hot and cold with me? I invested everything in the relationship and I would have done anything for him, I just cant stop feeling like this is all my fault. It’s also put me off doing any work for my exams, because I feel like they were another catalyst for him splitting up with me. If I didn’t have them then maybe he wouldn’t think this was the best thing for me. I just don’t know what to think anymore. I know I need to get over him but I’m just finding it so difficult when I feel like its all me who messed the whole thing up. I feel like I don’t know who I am without him, I am so lost and confused and have no self esteem left. I've also never really been single before, as I have had a lot of long term relationships, this is all so new to me and I don't know how to do it Please help!
Ethliz Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 Okay, common mistakes here.... I had a similar relationship, similar problems, right now I have bigger issues still with him. Lol. But this is what happened when I was going through what you're going through: Arguments happen, they will happen and they will continue to happen BUT!... men don't like them! So learn to take it easy. You love him right? You are hurt right? You wish you had him in your arms, kissing him and hearing him say he loves you right? But you know that if you were back with him the same problems and issues will arise and if you don't know this I am telling you they will, how to avoid this is by taking time apart to focus on yourself, learn to love yourself.... I know I know sounds stupid and you think you do love yourself already but you truly don't or you wouldn't argue with someone else so much... DO WHAT YOU LOVE TO DO GIRL! Focus on you... By experience I know he'll come back to you... Just PLEASE.... PLEASE...change before you guys give it another try or you'll end up like me... Not with him, thinking he loves but DOESN'T want to be with me... Other friends (girls) give him a better time BC they don't argue or make things difficult for him. Uses me when he needs me only and I'm still deeply in love while he's not BECAUSE OF MY BEHAVIOR, because I didn't love myself, I didn't respect myself enough for others to respect and love me.
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