Am I a bad fiance

[loosingme31]

This is long, sorry. I Left a full time job and my own place to relocate with my fiance. Deep down I do love him but I just don't know what I am doing anymore. He likes order and any diviation from his plans puts him in a grumpy mood. If I say something he thinks is wrong he gets really grumpy. He is very emotional. If I ask to add a little decor to the house, I am met with annoyance. I mean the whole house is his design, is it too much to ask to add a table lap beside our bed. It tools months before he allowed me to get a bed spread other than brown.

 

Maybe those are little things? He is a good man and take care of all the bills except my student loans which I pay on my own because its not his responsibility. Plus he is good to my daughter. He follows me around the house to make sure I am doing stuff right. He told me to stop washing his clothes because I don't do it right. He told me not to wash the dishes anymore because I don't do it right. My daughter clogged the toilet and the bathroom flooded a little and he cried and said the house was ruined but we were able to clean up and everything was fine. I clean and cook but he doesn't really eat what I cook. I am not a lazy woman. He over apologizes when he did nothing wrong but when he does something wrong he doesn't like apologizing. Everything is about him and what he wants. If I ask him a question often I am met with a grumpy response. The house is always cold because he overheats so mydaughter and I are constantly freezing. He is a trigger for my ptsd which when I try to tell him my pass he talks about himself.

What do I do, I threaten to leave, I give him back the ring then we work it out, but everyday he reminds me how much I hurt him. We could be in the supermarket and out of no where he would say you have hurt me. I have done this a few times but I can't leave because I only work part time. He is always in my space finding something I have done wrong. I am going crazy and I have no one to tell. Please be honest and give me your advice

Edited September 23, 2013 by loosingme31

[Jim305]

This guy sounds like a self-centered basket case. He sounds kind of weak and whiny. You're in a tough situation if you can't afford to get out. At least he's good to your daughter. This surely isn't optimal, but there are far worse guys out there. Is there any possibility of getting help from parents or siblings? Maybe you & your daughter could go & stay with them until you get on your feet financially. Otherwise, and I hate to say this, maybe you can just tough it out with him long enough to get enough $ for your own place. Good luck.

[Jim305]

And, no, you're not a bad fiancé!

[harrybrown]

He sounds like a control freak.

[Grumpybutfun]

Hello Losingme31:

Is your fiancé in therapy for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder? Is he working on cognitive therapy? Is he taking medicine that could be making him irritable? Nothing about your situation is normal. His behavior is hurtful to you and your daughter's psyche. You and your daughter should feel comfortable in your own home. You also should not feel like you are walking on eggshells. Depression and OCD can be almost impossible to manage without serious medical healthcare. If he is getting help for these issues, and I have a hard time seeing this as he is acting very territorial and irritated, he should learn how to control his triggers or to learn to manage them. Otherwise, you and your daughter are just triggers for some emotional problems that he isn't working on. His irritation isn't normal, and the controlling aspect of how he lives in "his" house is very bad for you and your daughter.

This is not fair to either one of you and he needs to seek help, if he isn't already doing so. Walking on eggshells is not healthy, and since you are confused as to if this is normal, behavior, I think perhaps you have your own self-esteem, boundary issues. If your PTSD is being triggered, you are a trauma victim and this situation may not seem abnormal because the safety of the environment with him is better than the alternatives. In other words, you may not be thinking clearly due to your own PTSD triggers. When you break up and then do not follow through with this, you are only exacerbating any emotional problems you both may have. He reminds you of this break-up continuously and out of the blue because he is obsessive with certain things, and it may be a part of a compulsive obsessive disorder.

You are NOT a bad fiancé, but are opening yourself and your daughter up to territorial control issues, someone who has trouble attaching in a healthy manner and behavioral issues surrounding a control disorder if you marry him or continue to live with him. This is very unhealthy.

Best of Luck,

Grumps

Edited September 23, 2013 by Grumpybutfun

[loosingme31]

Sorry this is so long. I don't think he has ocd, I am in the mental health field so I probably would know, but maybe.

He doesn't want me or my daughter washing the dishes because she washed them a few times and food was still on a few things. He doesn't want me to wash his clothes because he says I overstuff the machine and his clothes don't smell like they should. I don't think I over stuff the machine but maybe I do. Here are his good and bad.

Good traits

He make sure we are taken care of

He will make my lunch if I am running late

He does house work

He treats my daughter good

I can rely on him to be responsible

He likes going places with us

When my mother visited he treated her very well

He is a hard worker

Very loyal

 

Bad traits

-Has a hard time saying he is sorry when he does something wrong/yet overly apologetic for things that has nothing to do with him.

-grumpy a lot

-Wont allow me to put some feminine touch on bedroom, it is all brown and I hate it.

- Overly emotional/cried when my daughter clogged the toilet, she didn't see him do it.

- When I try to tell him about my history of abuse which led to my PTSD he talks about himself , like well this happened to me

- He wants to make all the decisions

- Doesn't support my dream to own a daycare someday/ he says we wont be able to travel if I have my own business

-He is obsessed with his cats/ We cant close our room door because the cats needs access to our room. They sleep on our bed and I hate it.

- When he gets really upset with me and I threaten to leave, he says he should just kill himself

-He has emphysema from smoking and is on medication/ but when he gets upset he still smokes

-When he gets mad he shakes and I find him so repulsive when he does that.

- Doesn't believe in marriage counseling

- He is dramatic

-Because his ex wife stole from him he says I Will do the same so if I am gonna move out he is gonna have his dad stay with us to make sure I don't steal from him. I am not a thief and this is very offensive. I have been a single mom for a long time and I always took care of myself. I am not with him for money. He has two safe and when he tried to give me the code I told him I didn't need it.

 

I am at my wits end. I love him but I don't know how much more I can take. The last time we fought I asked him to leave me alone because I wasn't feeling well and he wouldn't, I got very upset and I hit him on his thigh. I didn't mean to and felt bad about it. He has never hit me. When he got home that night I told him I was leaving and that my ex was coming to get me, which was true. He got very upset and got into my face, mine you he is 6'2 272 pounds I pushed him away and he said if I hit him he will call the cops on me and he said he is provoking me now because he is upset that my ex is still lingering around. I told him I don't love my ex but I am too embarrassed to call my mom to let her know what's going on. We spoke and I told him that I didn't love my ex and wanted to work things out, he agreed. Nothing has changed and everyday he reminds me that I have hurt him. He said he is not setting a date to get married and he goes back and forth with this , as if he is waving marriage in front of my face. I told him if we are gonna work things out we need to start a new and move on. I also told him that I am not playing wife so he needs to know if he wants me forever. I have stopped having sex until we set a date. I want this to work I really do. Despite his foolery He is a good person and when things are good we have lots of fun and laugh. I am to begin therapy again for my own self, I still get startled easlily but I have learned to manage my PTSD a lot better than I did before. I told him he also needs to go to therapy but he says no. Any tips on how to manage this situation

Edited September 23, 2013 by loosingme31

[Eivuwan]

You can't save the relationship if he's not willing to work on it.

[It's Just Me]

Well, it sounds to me like you have a license to do nothing around the house. Anytime someone tells me I'm not doing it right, and can't explain what "right" looks like, I'm done. I stop doing it.

 

My biggest concern would be his lack of support for you starting your own daycare business. To me, that is a giant red flag. I would NOT put up with that, simply because, well... you need to plan for a future if you ever end up on your own, whatever the reason may be. He could die, you could split up, etc. Too many women blindly depend on their men, and do nothing else. That's what happened to my mom. After Dad died, she pretty much had nothing besides a widow's pension to live on. He had never even taken out life insurance. She hadn't worked a day in her life, other than to take care of us kids.

 

It's ugly. And considering that, statistically, we outlive our men - we need to plan for that.

[loosingme31]

You are right. I have a masters degree so I know I will always have something to fall back on. I am upset that he doesn't want me to start my business but once I start working full time and saving my money I won't let him stop me. I do love him and just hope we can work it out if not I won't marry him. Thanks for all the input.

[Mr. Lucky]

I am in the mental health field so I probably would know, but maybe.

 

You're in the mental health field but don't think he behavior is symptomatic of a personality disorder ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[ChooseTruth]

Am I a bad fiance

Mostly you've talked about your fiance and not you.

 

But I just read this:

When he got home that night I told him I was leaving and that my ex was coming to get me, which was true.

Which concerns me. I'd probably dump you based on that. Having bad boundaries and going to other men, especially exes, with your relationship problems is one of the best ways to start an affair. No way would I want to end up with a woman who does that. Big red flag.

[pteromom]

Whoa. I want to run away from him just reading this. You really want to get into a marriage where you have no say in how the house is decorated or managed? That alone would be enough for me.

 

His lack of support - also a dealbreaker.

 

Of course, you lost me with your statement that you hit his thigh. PTSD or no, you have no right to get physical with him.

 

I do think he sounds OCD, and you sound not ready for marriage. Continue your therapy and it may help you decide whether to move forward in this relationship, but I wouldn't unless there were some big changes.

[Balzac]

Has the man ever lived w a woman? A child?

[loosingme31]

You are so right, there is no excuse to hit another person. And yes habing an ex linger around is not cool. I don't have feelings for my ex, he has been someone for me to share my stressors because I cannot and will not talk to my friends and family about him. Yes it does worry me that he won't let me decorate our bedroom a little. Yes I am a believer of therapy and looking at ones faults and work towards becoming healthier. I am not perfect either but I truly want this to work.

He has been alone for 9 years and I am the first women with a child that he has been with. I do think he has a personality disorder but not sure. I am still immature in some aspect and am trying everyday to work on myself. I don't think he is willing to see his faults. Despite it all he is a good guy and very kind. I can go out there and meet someone else but everyone comes with baggage. I do see a good person inside, let me add that he did let me put some of my paintings up in the living room. I don't know I guess I just need advice on how to live with him peacefully. Thanks for all your replies

[pteromom]

Despite it all he is a good guy and very kind.

 

Your definition of "kind" must be different than mine. Because he follows you around double-checking your work. He won't let you bring any of yourself into your bedroom. He gets grumpy any time things don't go his way. Doesn't sound like a kind person to me - sounds like a selfish one.

 

I can go out there and meet someone else but everyone comes with baggage.

 

This is true. Nobody is perfect. But an absolute baseline requirement of a relationship should be that you are free to be who you are and to express who you are. You should feel respected and accepted.

 

I do see a good person inside, let me add that he did let me put some of my paintings up in the living room.

 

If you are going to be married, your house is going to be half yours, right? And you are going to need him to "let" you put your stuff in it?

 

I don't know I guess I just need advice on how to live with him peacefully.

 

How to live with him peacefully:

 

1. Try to do things the way he wants them done.

2. Be happy with a brown bedroom.

3. Don't cause him any stress that will make him grumpy or irritable.

4. Don't ever expect him to apologize when he does something wrong.

5. Find a friend or family member to talk about your PTSD to, so that you don't have to worry about him changing the subject.

6. Allow him to make all the decisions, and follow his lead.

7. Drop your dream of having a daycare and find a new dream that he supports.

8. Accept that he smokes despite his medical issues.

9. Accept that no matter what issues you have, counseling will not be an option.

10. Be sure to let him have 100% control of everything financial so you won't be accused of stealing from him. You should be able to go to him and ask him for money if you need something. Make sure whatever it is, it is something he will support!

11. Expect that he will have a dramatic emotional reaction every time you or your daughter makes a mistake or does something he doesn't agree with.

12. Make sure you teach your daughter all the "right" ways to clean and do laundry so she will not make your husband grumpy, and bonus - she will be a good submissive wife someday too!

[ChooseTruth]

You are so right, there is no excuse to hit another person. And yes habing an ex linger around is not cool. I don't have feelings for my ex, he has been someone for me to share my stressors because I cannot and will not talk to my friends and family about him. Yes it does worry me that he won't let me decorate our bedroom a little. Yes I am a believer of therapy and looking at ones faults and work towards becoming healthier. I am not perfect either but I truly want this to work.

He has been alone for 9 years and I am the first women with a child that he has been with. I do think he has a personality disorder but not sure. I am still immature in some aspect and am trying everyday to work on myself. I don't think he is willing to see his faults. Despite it all he is a good guy and very kind. I can go out there and meet someone else but everyone comes with baggage. I do see a good person inside, let me add that he did let me put some of my paintings up in the living room. I don't know I guess I just need advice on how to live with him peacefully. Thanks for all your replies

Focus on the positive. Ditch the ex, completely. Don't be violent, being a woman is not a good excuse for hitting a guy.

 

That's my advice if you want this to work.

[loosingme31]

I appreciate your response. When I say kind I mean, he does things for his mom and dad. He will go out of his way to do things for other people. He did buy me a vanity for our bedroom. I can ask him for money and he does give it to me. The money I work is for college loan, he doesn't ask me for anything. He takes care of everything else. When I try to help him with bills he says no. I don't have to clean everyday and he doesn't bother me about it. He just doesn't like when the dishes or clothes is not washed right.

Yes he is not the most supportive emotionally, but he does give me a hug when I am sad or say 'sorry you are going though this. No, I cant tell him much about my past because he doesn't know how to be supportive. I wont give up my dream to have a daycare, he will have to learn to live with it.

I am not a very submissive woman, but I can let the man lead if he if fair.

I just don't like his grumpy ways. I do talk to his mom about it sometimes and she told me he is a very sensitive person and she takes my side because she knows how he is. She thanked me for seeing that he has a good heart.

The man is damage, but I see the good and want this to work.

[loosingme31]

I did not tell you that I have been in contact with another man to help me move out. Am I wrong for having a back up when I can't get along with him and not let him know about the other guy?

[Nyla]

Please do NOT marry this man. RUN AWAY. He doesn't understand the need for compromise and he is selfish.

 

No, you aren't wrong. Your fiancé is unstable and you can't let him know what your plans are.

[pteromom]

I did not tell you that I have been in contact with another man to help me move out. Am I wrong for having a back up when I can't get along with him and not let him know about the other guy?

 

Wrong or not, it's another sign that you really aren't ready for marriage.

 

This relationship has "future disaster" written all over it.

 

I have a feeling, should you go forward, that someday you will go back and read my "How to live with him peacefully" list and cry, wondering what you were thinking.

[syz]

He sounds like a control freak.

 

agreed. I thought what a controlling guy.

[Helena1975]

I am married to a guy who sounds very much like your fiancé. I cry almost every day because I can not do anything correct. I can not speak to him without hearing that I dont have base for conversation, and why I am saying "that", he keeps rolling his eyes when I reason with him why I did something certain way. According to him I am not ambitious, I don't have logic, I disrespect him when he wants to eat dinner alone and I come by saying something. I can not put dishes away correctly, I don't clean the house correctly, I just do " surfice cleaning" which is no correct. He gets mad at me for making him a lunch but it is something he did not have taste for so I get that I am selfish and don't care for him. When he watches tv I can only talk to him over commercial otherwise I am unconsidered and I boder him. I am can not remember simple thing that he wants to eat and watch tv olone in peace. And it goes on and on.

[Criticality]

I'm just wondering about what awful things you must have experienced previously, if this is in any way an improvement, or even close to acceptable.

 

What you excuse as "grumpy" or peculiar is at least one, probably more serious personality disorders. That he not only refuses to treat, but doesn't acknowledge.

 

How old is your daughter? Is she important to you? Cause you do realize, that if social services ever dropped in on your little family, they'd start an investigation immediately, and she'd probably be gone in a day or two, and not allowed back unless on supervised visits for a good while? You could forget about getting her back, at least until your fiancé is getting assessed and treated for his issues.

 

And yes it IS that bad. There is nothing, absolutely nothing conductive or beneficial to raising a normal, rounded and well functioning human being in the environment you're describing. Yes, it could be worse. But not much.

 

The fact that you're making excuses for him and that you're either ignoring it or have gotten used to it. That's tragic. At least get your daughter out of there. Put her in foster care at least for awhile until you can give her a better home.

[crederer]

This isn't the most politically correct response, but is he black? The vast majority of black men are raised to think that it's their way or the highway. I'm white but have been raised by a black family and to be perfectly frank, women aren't exactly well respected in those types of living situations.

 

I don't want to get into too many details but it's the main reason why I left at 14 and never been back nor have I heard from the man that raised me as his own.

 

I'd suggest putting your foot down and making some reasonable demands. If he doesn't like it, then he can find a different woman.

Edited October 10, 2013 by crederer

[Criticality]

Crederer. I think I know what you mean, but its not race/black thing.

 

It's a cultural thing.

 

And you're right. It's obviously not always the case, but sexist attitudes like what you are describing are more common in Afroamerican families than in families from outside of that culture.

 

It's even worse in the Carribean. Having multiple kids with multiple women, without providing much in terms of financial or emptional support, for any of them is pretty common. But it's something you rarely see in African culture, where (traditional) family values are highly valued.

 

But in this case, its the least important issue, if its an issue at all.

 

I'm more worried about his obvious personality disorder affecting the daughter.

From the description, its clearly beyond just being sexist, and sounds more like a man who either haven't learned much about normal interpersonal interactions, or isn't capable of them.