Should I not be upset?

[TealQueen]

My boyfriend and I are in our 20's. Been dating over a year.

For the past 8 months or so, he calls me everyday on his way home from work.

He has no set time that he gets off. Whenever he's done. He spends the day driving all over, so I worry. Him calling me on his way home let me know he's ok. He knows this. If it's like 11pm and I've not gotten a call, I will text him. Normally he responds immediately or calls me within minutes.

Last night, it was past 11 pm and I hadn't heard from him. I texted him. Nothing. Texted again. Nothing. I called after midnight, no answer.

All this while, he has been online on Facebook, but I thought nothing of it, because when you're on on your phone, it'll show you online for awhile after you've gotten off.

Well, at 1:20 he texts saying yeah he's fine, just tired. I asked if he was still at work, he said no that he crashed as soon as he got home. Ok. But this doesn't affect anything because he calls on his way home, not once he has gotten home. Something he's done daily for 8 months.

He could tel by my replies that I was upset, I told him that I was tired too but couldn't sleep because I was awake worried about him and turns out he's been home the entire time. So I barely got sleep last night.

I know I sound crazy for being upset over that, but it's the consideration thing. I've told him multiple times I worry and when he doesn't call and it's late I worry until he calls me.

He apologized, but only after he noticed I was upset.

He's texted me a little today. Been a little nicer than usual, I'm guessing because of last night. He left his key at his house in case I went over because he didn't know if I was going today or tomorrow. Tomorrow. Which he would've known if he'd have called.

 

Edit:I was texting a friend last night while this was going on. I mentioned I was worried. When my bf texted me I told my friend because he said to let him know when I heard something. And my friend said he probably just forgot and to cut him some slack. Ok..but I don't get how he 'forgets' to do something he's done everyday for 8 months. I'd never forget to do that. I'd be calling him as I'm getting in my car without even realizing it by this point.

 

And it's also kind of weird because normally when he has done something like this that's not really that bad, I'm mad for 5 seconds then I'm over it and forgotten about it. But here it is the next day and I'm still kind of peeved.

Edited September 23, 2013 by TealQueen

[deni9]

yeah you should be upset. I most definitely would! I mean if he has been doing that for 8 months, and all of sudden he stops...hmmm suspicious. NOT saying he is cheating on you! idk about that, but theres something up. You must find out!

[Tayla]

I will not tell you how to feel, feelings are a gage of our moral compass's. It's that sometimes our minds need to be re-checked and adjusted.

 

I think its passive manipulation to "expect" that they ( the BF) check in all the time or on command. A wee bit controlling, despite the guise of "worry". Its natural to be of concern for our loved ones, its natural to want to know that they are okay. Its also natural to have faith that they are competent in taking care of themselves.

Loosen the noose and allow the adult part of the relationship to flourish. You both deserve to grow separately and with confidence in one another. Sounds like he did empathize in your worry , so maybe its time to be equally empathetic and know that he can be a big boy and not check in all the time based on your worry. (Not trying to be mean...just working towards a mutual resolution)

[Leegh]

I understand, but I would not bring it up further to him, but if it becomes a pattern then you could speak to him about it.

[pteromom]

Maybe he was just really tired and he spaced it? I can understand being upset since he's done it every day for 8 months, but I wouldn't hold it over his head. Try to let it go.

 

Here's something I know: There is a fine fine line between caring and controlling. Just be careful as you are skating on it.

[Fondue]

I will not tell you how to feel, feelings are a gage of our moral compass's. It's that sometimes our minds need to be re-checked and adjusted.

 

I think its passive manipulation to "expect" that they ( the BF) check in all the time or on command. A wee bit controlling, despite the guise of "worry". Its natural to be of concern for our loved ones, its natural to want to know that they are okay. Its also natural to have faith that they are competent in taking care of themselves.

Loosen the noose and allow the adult part of the relationship to flourish. You both deserve to grow separately and with confidence in one another. Sounds like he did empathize in your worry , so maybe its time to be equally empathetic and know that he can be a big boy and not check in all the time based on your worry. (Not trying to be mean...just working towards a mutual resolution)

 

 

Maybe he was just really tired and he spaced it? I can understand being upset since he's done it every day for 8 months, but I wouldn't hold it over his head. Try to let it go.

 

Here's something I know: There is a fine fine line between caring and controlling. Just be careful as you are skating on it.

 

Both these ladies know what's up.

 

I think it is a lot to ask (or expect) for someone to call you on a daily basis after work. It is a bit ( read: a lot) much, don't you think? I would feel suffocated.

 

Maybe this time around he simply forgot, maybe he was SO tired that he wasn't even thinking about it, he just wanted to get back to home to his wonderful bed. I have these same work days. All I want is my damn bed. He might have been in that "mood."

 

I would definitely cut this guy some slack and try to lengthen that umbilical cord. Calling every day like that is just... skeevy.

[TealQueen]

Alright. So long as this does not become regular, I will not say a word about it.

I just find it weird. And a little inconsiderate. It's not that I want him checking in with me, it's that for his job he is driving all over the place all day long, so I worry. He's not sitting in an office all day. That'd probably not worry me whatsoever.

And we were texting a little bit this morning, he started it, and I asked him a question 7 hours ago that he's yet to answer, despite being on Facebook on his phone off and on all day. Another weird thing.

 

Fondue: I understand calling everyday might sound a bit much to you, but where we are in our relationship, it is right for us. We talk anywhere from 10-35 minutes a day, just depending. It's something we both enjoy. He has said he enjoys it.

I don't think that is too much to talk to a SO

[pteromom]

I understand calling everyday might sound a bit much to you, but where we are in our relationship, it is right for us. We talk anywhere from 10-35 minutes a day, just depending. It's something we both enjoy. He has said he enjoys it.

I don't think that is too much to talk to a SO

 

Maybe with other things in his life, it's becoming a bit of a chore to call you every day. Not that he doesn't enjoy talking to you of course, but when it is expected, you feel that you always have to do it, and that takes some of the fun out of it. It quits being a choice and becomes a responsibility.

 

I would ask him again if it is working for him and if he'd rather do things a different way.

[TealQueen]

Maybe with other things in his life, it's becoming a bit of a chore to call you every day. Not that he doesn't enjoy talking to you of course, but when it is expected, you feel that you always have to do it, and that takes some of the fun out of it. It quits being a choice and becomes a responsibility.

 

I would ask him again if it is working for him and if he'd rather do things a different way.

 

In my original post, I said when my bf replied he told me he crashed as soon as he got home. Last night when he called me, he apologized for not calling, and said he had a lot on his mind on his way home from work...and then went home and played video games. Which, is totally fine with me, but why tell me the night before he crashed, when he really didn't.

So basically I lost sleep while he was playing video games and hearing me call but choosing to ignore it. Yeah yeah, you can't pause a video game, but still. It's the lie mainly.

 

A few weeks ago it was my birthday. I got to his house and he asked if my gift arrived yet. I said no... He said he ordered it and it should've arrived on my birthday. He checked the shipping status and said it said it was delivered. A few days later he said he called the post office and something happened and they were resending it. Well, I got it a long time after my birthday, and it said the order was placed 4 days after my birthday... Which bothered me. He made this whole thing about it getting lost in the mail when he hadnt even ordered it yet.

The lie bothers me and the fact he knew it was my birthday. It wasn't a surprise. I did something huge for his birthday and he couldn't even order my gift on time and lied about it.

 

Are lies like that ok..? I don't like any type of lie..especially because of things that happened recently..he should be trying to earn my trust back right now, now be lying about trivial things.

[Treasa]

Back off, get busy doing your own things, and don't go crazy for his next birthday, assuming you two are still together again.

 

Don't worry, don't lose sleep, don't wonder where he is. Just get invested in your own life and then observe his behavior.

 

You definitely need to back off a bit.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I think you have a right to be suspicious...when guys are up to something they typically avoid you and leave it to the next day or long after whatever it was they were up to is over.

 

I don't believe that after 8 months every day of the same behavior over and over and that you just "forget"...the guy whatever he was doing, was out of the ordinary...you don't just forget something you've basically made a habit out of that is more like second nature than being "thoughtful".

 

As far as him ordering your gift or whatever....yeah guys tend to slip up in that department and can be shaky when it comes to the punctuality of it and yeah im sure he completely forgot or procrastinated over it.

 

I'm not saying that he was doing anything really bad, but I do believe he intentionally ignored you that night for some reason...that I think is very likely, and there's probably some other red flags here you're not talking about which is just making you sound a bit paranoid and crazy.

[TealQueen]

I think you have a right to be suspicious...when guys are up to something they typically avoid you and leave it to the next day or long after whatever it was they were up to is over.

 

I don't believe that after 8 months every day of the same behavior over and over and that you just "forget"...the guy whatever he was doing, was out of the ordinary...you don't just forget something you've basically made a habit out of that is more like second nature than being "thoughtful".

 

As far as him ordering your gift or whatever....yeah guys tend to slip up in that department and can be shaky when it comes to the punctuality of it and yeah im sure he completely forgot or procrastinated over it.

 

I'm not saying that he was doing anything really bad, but I do believe he intentionally ignored you that night for some reason...that I think is very likely, and there's probably some other red flags here you're not talking about which is just making you sound a bit paranoid and crazy.

 

I'm not really leaving anything out. If you saw my other post, he was asking me what I thought of engagement. So that has to be a good sign. And when he called last night, He doesnt the first 2-3 minutes apologizing and explaining. Said he was going to have dinner ready when I got off work today. He kept trying to see if I could go over yesterday instead. However he did not reply to my last text I sent. He pretty much always does.

We had an issue before of him not replying to texts before especially when they were questions but since then he's been better except for yesterday.

[Rugger1869]

You need to be looking for a pattern not a single event. Sometimes people just don't want to talk or anything when they're tired. I would take what he says at face value unless you have a reason to be suspicious. If that is the case then that is a totally different conversation.

 

"When you hear hoofbeats, don't assume it's a Zebra."

[Ninjainpajamas]

I'm not really leaving anything out. If you saw my other post, he was asking me what I thought of engagement. So that has to be a good sign. And when he called last night, He doesnt the first 2-3 minutes apologizing and explaining. Said he was going to have dinner ready when I got off work today. He kept trying to see if I could go over yesterday instead. However he did not reply to my last text I sent. He pretty much always does.

We had an issue before of him not replying to texts before especially when they were questions but since then he's been better except for yesterday.

 

If the guy is insecure he's just gut checking to see where you stand in this...this provides him security and confirmation that you are into him...it's not necessarily meaning that he's serious...when a guy does something, not says something...that is the time when he is actually serious. in term of future commitment....look around you, guys say a lot of things they don't end up doing, whether he does it in the end or not is not the main point here...assuming he does.

 

At any rate, you can rest assured that no matter what happens...even if he wants to leave, has another crush he wished he could take a stab at with his wiener...the guy isn't going to leave you or just let you go, not without a backup...because he's too afraid of losing you due to his own insecurity.

 

You obviously got your problems and you're just unable to see through the nonsense to what is really important and crucial, but you'll learn little by little...you'll start to separate the insecurity versus the actual emotion if you are actually aware of it and it dawns on you that this guy actually does a lot of things and reacts impulsively because of his inherit insecurity and fears...much like you've got your own issues that trigger you to be paranoid and fear abandonment (likely), you'll just basically play off each other with your head games...doesn't even signify anything necessarily "significant" in what is happening, much like this situation look how easily things are getting blown out of proportion...two level-headed, communicative and secure people within themselves and in a relationship wouldn't even be having your problem right now...it would have already been resolved and cleared up and that would have been that.

 

But instead you're going to read into it, analyze it get all crazy in the head trying to figure out the meaning and "lie" whether there is one or not because you've got problems within yourself...the other person is just a trigger for that...separate your own issues from this relationship, taking responsibility for each of your own and then it'll make more sense.

[TealQueen]

If the guy is insecure he's just gut checking to see where you stand in this...this provides him security and confirmation that you are into him...it's not necessarily meaning that he's serious...when a guy does something, not says something...that is the time when he is actually serious. in term of future commitment....look around you, guys say a lot of things they don't end up doing, whether he does it in the end or not is not the main point here...assuming he does.

 

At any rate, you can rest assured that no matter what happens...even if he wants to leave, has another crush he wished he could take a stab at with his wiener...the guy isn't going to leave you or just let you go, not without a backup...because he's too afraid of losing you due to his own insecurity.

 

You obviously got your problems and you're just unable to see through the nonsense to what is really important and crucial, but you'll learn little by little...you'll start to separate the insecurity versus the actual emotion if you are actually aware of it and it dawns on you that this guy actually does a lot of things and reacts impulsively because of his inherit insecurity and fears...much like you've got your own issues that trigger you to be paranoid and fear abandonment (likely), you'll just basically play off each other with your head games...doesn't even signify anything necessarily "significant" in what is happening, much like this situation look how easily things are getting blown out of proportion...two level-headed, communicative and secure people within themselves and in a relationship wouldn't even be having your problem right now...it would have already been resolved and cleared up and that would have been that.

 

But instead you're going to read into it, analyze it get all crazy in the head trying to figure out the meaning and "lie" whether there is one or not because you've got problems within yourself...the other person is just a trigger for that...separate your own issues from this relationship, taking responsibility for each of your own and then it'll make more sense.

 

I get what you're saying. He's not insecure. The thing you said about the backup could be true although I don't think that's something I need to be concerned about right now.

And I'm not still hung up on this. Im just replying that's all I'm good. I'm not worried about typos.

[mercuryshadow]

I had a bf for quite some time who began to do this to me regularly. Initially, he was great about being reliable and would follow through on his promises to call and so forth. It was when he became less invested in the relationship that he'd begin to "forget" to call me, would fall asleep when he was supposed to meet me for lunch on his days off, would flake on plans when he was busy with friends... it became an established pattern and caused me a lot of pain. My mistake was trying to pull him closer when he'd do these things. I also never stopped going out of my way for him. And like you, I'd worry and lose sleep.

 

Once this pattern was established, he ended up cheating. I took him back twice (after his episodes of infidelity) but regardless of how much cheap talk he fed me, things never got better. I happy to say that we did break up, finally, the only thing I regret is not having done it sooner.

 

My advice to you is to not go crazy on him for this, loosen your grasp a bit, and see what happens. If a pattern starts to become established, you should probably disengage from the relationship entirely.

[TooPatient]

Lots of good input for you here, I really like Mercury's point. Back off a bit, let him breathe and engage with you. Give him some space so that he'll miss you.

 

As for the not calling, it's something I can relate to. My gf HAS to talk to me before bed every night. Some nights when I'm not feeling social, I won't answer and will just talk to her when I wake up, explaining that I fell asleep early. (Sometimes that was true) It doesn't mean I like her any less, I just wasn't in the mood to talk those nights.

 

As for forgetting the gift, maybe he's forgetful? Maybe he didn't have the cash by the time your b-day came and he had to come up with an excuse. The fact that he waited 4 days after your b-day makes me think it was a financial issue.

 

But yeah, take a step back and just see how he behaves. If there's a pattern starting that's hurting your relationship, then you can address it and see if he's willing to work with you. He may be becoming stagnant and too comfortable. Again, I think giving him some space and letting him call/text you would be a good starting point.

[heartshaped]

Hmm, the calling thing I don't think is that big of a deal. I'd have more of a problem with the fact he lied and this isn't the first time. It seems like if the truth is inconvenient to him, he'll try to cover it up. It's hard to trust people like that and I'd keep my eyes open from here on out.