My girlfriend was raped before I met her and idk what I'm suppose to do?

[Kodyjohnson]

I'm 18 and so is my girlfriend jazmine. We both met about a year ago and have been together since. I knew she had a rough past but she never told me and I never would pressure her to. Until one day she just broke and told me everything on how she was raped when she was 14, then she was raped when she was 17 and also got pregnant and while pregnant at the age of 18 she was rapes again (ik it seems silly I never asked her how she got pregnant but I kinda already knew but I didn't know she was raped 3 times). Ever since this I've been having a difficult time just with her and her son Noah. I try my best to just forget this and I just can't. I cry almost every night just imagining what she had to go through and it's hard for me to accept her now (ik that sounds bad but I just feel like she has been used and marked by these guys). Now she and I never have had sex with each other at all I mean she doesn't do anything kinky or just winky and I'm sure u know what I mean but that doesn't matter to me. All I care about is her and her son but I'm just out if it I guess idk why but I'm just having difficulty with knowing this about her. I feel like she has been used and I have nothing. I hate myself for feeling this way and I've tried to change my thinking but I just can't. I really need some help I've tried counseling but it only makes it worse so now I'm reaching out to the public which is all you guys on here. Hopefully you all can change my opinion on my gf and get me to realize that she isn't used and worthless. Please help me I really love jazmine and her son Noah. They are all that matter to me. (This is my first thread sry if there r typos)

[TigerCub]

I'm 18 and so is my girlfriend jazmine. We both met about a year ago and have been together since. I knew she had a rough past but she never told me and I never would pressure her to. Until one day she just broke and told me everything on how she was raped when she was 14, then she was raped when she was 17 and also got pregnant and while pregnant at the age of 18 she was rapes again (ik it seems silly I never asked her how she got pregnant but I kinda already knew but I didn't know she was raped 3 times). Ever since this I've been having a difficult time just with her and her son Noah. I try my best to just forget this and I just can't. I cry almost every night just imagining what she had to go through and it's hard for me to accept her now (ik that sounds bad but I just feel like she has been used and marked by these guys). Now she and I never have had sex with each other at all I mean she doesn't do anything kinky or just winky and I'm sure u know what I mean but that doesn't matter to me. All I care about is her and her son but I'm just out if it I guess idk why but I'm just having difficulty with knowing this about her. I feel like she has been used and I have nothing. I hate myself for feeling this way and I've tried to change my thinking but I just can't. I really need some help I've tried counseling but it only makes it worse so now I'm reaching out to the public which is all you guys on here. Hopefully you all can change my opinion on my gf and get me to realize that she isn't used and worthless. Please help me I really love jazmine and her son Noah. They are all that matter to me. (This is my first thread sry if there r typos)

 

Yeah...

If you think she's worthless because she was a victim of rape, then please leave her.

 

You shouldn't have to force yourself to have compassion for someone or to understand that sometimes people go through something that is NOT their choice.

 

You're too immature to be with someone with so much baggage.

 

 

As a side - did she get raped by 3 different people, or is it the same person over and over?

 

Did she go to the police with this any of those times?

 

Either way - you shouldn't be with her, nothing is really going to fix your immaturity and she shouldn't have to be with someone that thinks she's worthless for being a rape victim.

[soccerrprp]

I agree with Tigerclub. You need to move on as you are not prepared and equipped for such a person. You need to be fully supportive and as her bf, this doesn't look like it will happen. You've already painted her in a way that will not help her and you need to know that she needs someone more understanding than yourself.

 

You've been with her for a year and your leaving will be painful for her. Don't tell her why you need to let her go, but she will certainly have insecurities blossoming. You can remain as a friend, to be supportive, but you know that that will be painful and from the likes of it, you are currently not in the best position or frame of mind to even be a good friend to her.

 

Tough call.

[Kodyjohnson]

As a side - did she get raped by 3 different people, or is it the same person over and over?

 

Did she go to the police with this any of those times?

 

Ok so maybe I didn't make myself clear enough but after rereading what I said it came out wrong and I didn't explain myself enough. She was raped by 3 different guys. She did go to the police because those guys are in jail now. Now let me explain her rough past. Jaz is use to drink a lot and go to parties and enjoy life. I don't blame her for being raped I totally understand its not her fault. Just once she told me about her past and how she did all this stuff I felt like she maybe should of told me earlier on in our relationship and btw I do still love her I care about her and her son. Now the problem is I just can't forget it. I don't like how this has happened to her I feel sad all the time whenever I remember it in my head. I just want to know how do I move on past this and keep our relationship together and going forward because honestly this is holding us back or maybe just holding me back. Then I don't think she is worthless idk why I said that, she is not worthless at all and I do care about her I am mature enough to handle her, like she lives with me And Im always with her son and I act like he's my own son. I just need help forgetting idk really what's wrong I'm just not feeling the same way towards her. I still love her but whenever I look at her or think about her I'm just really sad. I just feel so sad about all that's happened to her as well. (Btw she told me about the whole rape thing and her past two days ago)

[TigerCub]

Ok so maybe I didn't make myself clear enough but after rereading what I said it came out wrong and I didn't explain myself enough. She was raped by 3 different guys. She did go to the police because those guys are in jail now. Now let me explain her rough past. Jaz is use to drink a lot and go to parties and enjoy life. I don't blame her for being raped I totally understand its not her fault. Just once she told me about her past and how she did all this stuff I felt like she maybe should of told me earlier on in our relationship and btw I do still love her I care about her and her son. Now the problem is I just can't forget it. I don't like how this has happened to her I feel sad all the time whenever I remember it in my head. I just want to know how do I move on past this and keep our relationship together and going forward because honestly this is holding us back or maybe just holding me back. Then I don't think she is worthless idk why I said that, she is not worthless at all and I do care about her I am mature enough to handle her, like she lives with me And Im always with her son and I act like he's my own son. I just need help forgetting idk really what's wrong I'm just not feeling the same way towards her. I still love her but whenever I look at her or think about her I'm just really sad. I just feel so sad about all that's happened to her as well. (Btw she told me about the whole rape thing and her past two days ago)

 

She told you about the rape 2 days ago

but in your OP you said

"I really need some help I've tried counseling but it only makes it worse so now I'm reaching out to the public which is all you guys on here."

 

So she told you 2 days ago and you saw a counselor already and realized that it's not helping?

 

what?

 

How did you get an appointment with a professional therapist so soon?

 

And how can you say that it's making you feel worse and implying that it's not working when at most you did 1 session? Is that giving therapy a fair chance?

[Kodyjohnson]

So she told you 2 days ago and you saw a counselor already and realized that it's not helping?

Ok typo my bad 20 days or so ago and the counselor we went to was a professional she actually was free to since jazmine knew her through her church.

[Adele0908]

First of all, she has NOT been used. Rape is a violent act. It is the result of aggression. it is about POWER and control.

 

It is similar to someone who has been beaten up by someone, or has been attacked or has had someone attempt to take their life. If you met a person who had been beaten up or attacked or who has survived a violent crime, would you say that they had been USED? NO, I'm sure you would just see them as a person who survived a violent crime.

 

So if you now understand rape to be an act of violence, and not about sex or sexuality, then why would you say that she has been used? She was attacked out of aggression, and SEX was the weapon.

 

Sex can be used as a weapon of power and control. I think it would be beneficial for you to read and learn about rape, so that you understand what it is. It is not just to help your girlfriend, but to develop understanding that can be applied to the rest of your life.

 

http://www.resurrectionafterrape.org/media/MensGuide.pdf

 

This guide has a lot of information, and will teach you to not blame the victim. It is not her fault that someone CHOSE to rape her. It is the fault of the attacker and she should not feel bad or ashamed that someone CHOSE to attack her, just like it is not YOUR fault if someone CHOOSES to rob and beat you at gunpoint.

 

Additionally, growing up in a masculine, male-dominated society may have led you to believe that a woman's worth is tied to her vagina (as well as her age, appearance, body, and other external things).

 

This is a false and dangerous belief that allows women to be controlled and dominated and leads to low-self esteem in women. If you do not know the true worth of women, then you will see many women as not being worthy or having been 'used".

 

Lastly, it is commendable that you at least are aware of how you feel. and it's good that you are asking for help. Although it is good to be there for her, and be someone she can trust, it's important that she seek couseling. There are usually free counseling centers in most places. She could also call the rape hotline 1-800-656-HOPE.

 

You are not a professional and aren't qualified to truly help her. So don't feel bad if you don't know what to do. Just advise her to seek counseling and go from there.

[Adele0908]

Also at 18 years old, it's time for you to develop a healthy attitude towards women and sex. Actually it's past time.

 

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[CptSaveAho]

Your girlfriend needs a therapist, not a boyfriend

 

...

 

While you are young and you are going to learn this lesson the "HARD" way to answer your question

 

My girlfriend was raped before I met her and idk what I'm suppose to do?

 

Dump her and forward with your life (which you aren't going to do but you should do). You will be essentially paying for crimes you didnt commit and she has too much baggage that she should be dropping off on her therapist, not her boyfriend

[Quiet Storm]

It sounds like her value has diminished for you- even though you don't want to feel that way.

 

You logically know that it's not her fault, you intellectually do not believe that she is worthless...but emotionally, you can't deal with it.

 

I think it is probably related to immaturity & ego.

 

You love this person and want others to treat her with care and respect. Do you feel that by drinking & partying, she wasn't respecting herself? I'm NOT saying the rapes were her fault, I'm just trying to figure out why you feel this way. Subconsciously, maybe you think the rapes could've been avoided if she had been sober or smarter? Maybe she has low self worth, and you sense that, and subconciously don't value her as much.

 

As for feeling sad, that is understandable. Something terrible happened to someone that you love.

 

I agree that she does need therapy. Rape isn't something most people can just get over on their own. There are lasting effects that you are not equipped to help her with. She has been through these traumas, and is also a single mom. She needs help that you are not capable of giving.

 

Just because you love someone, does not mean you have to be in a relationship with them. We can love a person and still decide that they would not be a good partner for us.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Kody,

 

It is highly probable that environment and experiences your girlfriend knew as a very young child may have predisposed her to being victimized later in life.

 

And if you want to save your tangled thought process about this, it would be best if you rewind your concentration to a point long before your girlfriend was 8 or 10 years old... to consider whether things she experienced then, as a completely innocent child are really the root causes for the rapes.

 

Indeed this girl needs deeeeeeeeeeeep understanding, and major compassion from somebody... For the right partner, to be able to BE all that she needs that way, can be very fulfilling.

 

 

I sense that she blurted it all out at a point where she felt she really trusted you... and that was perhaps her way to communicate that trust.

 

Now normally that is very heavy information for an 18yo to digest, and many/most 18yo boyfriends can't keep the relationship thriving through such admissions.

 

The girlfriend was still right in telling you... perhaps as she reached out for some comforting words and/or compassion.

 

Usually somebody in her shoes needs to devote themselves to intense therapy, because to live a life without it, through one's 20's, is typically an invitation for more of same.

 

It's as if the earliest abusers (before age 8, I mean) put a label on their victims, and only the predators around our society can recognize, and are drawn to that label.

 

The nice guy approach, (even when sincere), is great... but invariably the past victims need the chaos that was so long ago introduced into their lives, and they often just tire of the nice guy, unless they have had extensive therapy to alter the core of what turns them on.

 

It might help you to know that, quite often, a past victim is drawn sexually right back toward being treated as they were by the long-ago earliest victimizer. It's just how human nature works.

 

Therapy, therapy, therapy...

[crederer]

It seems strange it was by 3 different men......

 

but I had an ex who was molested at a young age a whole whack of times by the same dude. So I guess it's similar to rape. She is really messed up from it and made it very hard to be in a relationship with.

 

Just saying, sometimes you can't be someone's hero and gotta do what's best for you....

[Mrlonelyone]

No offense but many girls lie about being raped.

 

Her story is suspicious because she was raped by not one but 3 guys.

 

She could be truthful and I'm very sorry if she is.

 

I myself was raped at 15 and I can't tell you how many girls have said they were raped....

 

It's hard to tell who's truthful or not.

 

 

 

This I'm afraid.

 

 

While some people are left vulnerable to being victimized because the authorities that be don't value the victim...being raped by three different guys is quite a bit.

 

 

Sometimes young women do things they latter regret. For a long time, when this happened, they would tell people those incidents were "rape". Either they don't realize what actual rape (with coercion or force) really involves, OR they think that how they feel now changes what happened then. Their regret means that musn't have consented at the time.

 

 

I sense a situation with lots of immaturity in it. You need to let this young woman find either a more mature man or some professional help. You need to find a young woman who isn't so damaged. Perhaps if you were both older and this was something that happened 10 20 years ago that would be one thing. If your both 18 then she was very hurt perhaps 5 years ago at the most. That's the kind of thing that stays with you and colors everything that comes after it. Only time and many positive experiences can undo such a huge negative.