ConfusedHumanBeing Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 Once you tug back on the leash (give her a reaction) she'll go RIGHT back to ignoring you. I bet everything I have on it. She doesn't want you, she hasn't this whole time, and you are questioning EVERYTHING which is what she wants. BOTH of you need loads of therapy. I'm 100% serious. You are WELL beyond helping at this point. I'm just waiting for another thread to start about how you talked about the jacket and how things could possibly getting better and then they don't. Repeat cycle until YOU DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!
Author Jiminy Cricket Posted September 27, 2013 Author Posted September 27, 2013 I wouldn't talk and reason your Ex or another woman like her if you paid me. Hitting myself in the nuts with a sledgehammer would be a far more enjoyable experience. But hey... I'm healthy and normal and that probably makes no sense to you. you're far from normal dude, you're kinda f*cked up in the head, i read comments you post on other threads. keep you're mouth shut.
lindsay1990 Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 i get it. she's terrible now and i'm holding on to the past. if all of you could talk to her to tell her how bad she treats me. she's always ms. right, thinks that she has all the answers and i'm the one who f*cked up our relationship. she can't take ownership for adding to the failure of our relationship. THIIIIIS so much. This is how my ex was. Now, I'm not saying people are all the same or that people can't change but to me this is a severe, severe character flaw if not a full blown symptom of a personality disorder. Lack of accoountability is an impossible thing to deal with. If she can't accept, even after rages and feelings have settled after a break up (as in not in the heat of the argument, break up) what she did that contributed to it, this only sets you up to go back to her and having to be on your best, most accomodating behavior for the rest of your life. Think about it: if she can do no wrong, and wrongs are bound to happen, they will always be your fault. Thus, you will be the one burdened to "make it work". To continue being pessimistic, ha, there is a darker side to this: she someone realizes she was wrong, or maybe *could* have been potentially wrong, but however wrong she was it's because you MADE her do that, or whatever you did was even wronger. You are the only one that knows what went on, and you have intuition and first hand knowledge of the dynamic and how she thinks, but my advice is that if you sincerely believe that she cannot accept responsibility, STAY OUT because only worse things come from this. And I tell you this because this was the single, biggest, most flashing red flag in my relationship with my ex. It started at a 10, then at 100 and after the break up, it was at a 10000. What I'm saying is this doesn't just go away and it is a huge burden.
Author Jiminy Cricket Posted September 27, 2013 Author Posted September 27, 2013 THIIIIIS so much. This is how my ex was. Now, I'm not saying people are all the same or that people can't change but to me this is a severe, severe character flaw if not a full blown symptom of a personality disorder. Lack of accoountability is an impossible thing to deal with. If she can't accept, even after rages and feelings have settled after a break up (as in not in the heat of the argument, break up) what she did that contributed to it, this only sets you up to go back to her and having to be on your best, most accomodating behavior for the rest of your life. Think about it: if she can do no wrong, and wrongs are bound to happen, they will always be your fault. Thus, you will be the one burdened to "make it work". To continue being pessimistic, ha, there is a darker side to this: she someone realizes she was wrong, or maybe *could* have been potentially wrong, but however wrong she was it's because you MADE her do that, or whatever you did was even wronger. You are the only one that knows what went on, and you have intuition and first hand knowledge of the dynamic and how she thinks, but my advice is that if you sincerely believe that she cannot accept responsibility, STAY OUT because only worse things come from this. And I tell you this because this was the single, biggest, most flashing red flag in my relationship with my ex. It started at a 10, then at 100 and after the break up, it was at a 10000. What I'm saying is this doesn't just go away and it is a huge burden. and i can't tell this to her, because i get bashed on for pointing the finger. gets mad at me for being the victim. when we fight it's always me who did wrong, whenever i say you have problems too, she say's "i don't need anyone telling me my flaws."
lindsay1990 Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 Been there, done that, buddy. To condense but not make it about me, but pay close attention: 1. I went off on my ex once for lying to me over silly text message, called him liar, said it was over, that I was done, that he had SOME nerve, was a coward, a hypocrite, whatever. Was I wrong to do this? Probably yeah, I should have been less impulsive and given him a fighting chance. 2. Ex called me harsh and abusive, that I belittled him, berated him, etc. Since that day on I had "abused" him. Did I? Maaaaaybe. Whatever, again. 3. Calmly question my ex for feeling like he is blowing me off on a night out. Dude flies of the rails in the car, starts shouting, slams the brakes, screams some more, makes me cry, steps on the gas, I shout back, takes me to school, I get out of the car shaking, sends me a text saying I ruined his night because he can't believe we are still on the topic of me not trusting him. 4. I draaaaaaag an apology out of him. Wanna know what I got? "What I did was inappropriate". I questioned WTF, and he said "I lost my temper." Easy as that. HERE. At this point. I flipped out. I argued that either we were both abusive or we both "just lost our tempers". I insisted that it couldn't be that when I say mean sh*t when I was mad, that when I broke up because I was hurt and fuming and pissed I was "abusive", but that when HE pulled crazy, aggressive Sh*t like that in the car it was just him "losing his temper" and being "inappropriate". I argued and argued hopelessly about this. Until I got the answer I deserved: "Listen, I don't need to hear how bad I am to you, okay?". Read this and let it sink it. ... There is NOTHING more dangerous that a person with a double standard. Oh, wait. Except maybe someone who can't even see it. Now, I stayed with this dude because I was in love and crazy and 24 in another country alone for the first time with no one except him. But mostly, because I didn't know better at this point. Now, no matter if I was on the moon and my only ride back to Earth was this fool would I go with him. Then, however, I stayed. Again, I didn't know better, nobody told me what was going on. But now, I'm telling you that if I am understanding the story correctly it is extremely unlikely that things will improve. I learned that the hard way. Go NC so you can see this for what it is.
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 We are here to support each other in the best way we can. We all know it is easy to get defensive and snap but let's be careful to not kick a man when he's down, okay? This is a place for support not for judgment. Sheesh. While I probably don't agree with skid's method there (though it made me laugh), we have been trying to help Mr. Jimmy for a long time now. A good like 6 or 7 of us have attempted to help him out with the situation. The bad thing is he'll pick and choose what he actually wants to hear and then morphs that into hope of gettinf back together with this girl. For example, he'll take your post you just wrote and then turn that into she is changing for the better or just ignore it all together and say "Oh she wrote something on the internet about dog food. You think she is reaching out to me????" I feel bad for him, but at the same time, incredibly frustrated because his issues would be solved if he would listen. That's why he's here correct? Skid does have a point: grow a pair dude.
lindsay1990 Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 I agree. Jiminy you should concentrate on why you even want this girl to take you back. In addition, if you say she places the blame on you entirely, she is pulling QUITE the number on you mentally. Because you are are placed in this begging-like position as if you had done the worst thing ever. It would be wise to work on your self-love and as to why you would still want to be with her. 1
Author Jiminy Cricket Posted September 27, 2013 Author Posted September 27, 2013 While I probably don't agree with skid's method there (though it made me laugh), we have been trying to help Mr. Jimmy for a long time now. A good like 6 or 7 of us have attempted to help him out with the situation. The bad thing is he'll pick and choose what he actually wants to hear and then morphs that into hope of gettinf back together with this girl. For example, he'll take your post you just wrote and then turn that into she is changing for the better or just ignore it all together and say "Oh she wrote something on the internet about dog food. You think she is reaching out to me????" I feel bad for him, but at the same time, incredibly frustrated because his issues would be solved if he would listen. That's why he's here correct? Skid does have a point: grow a pair dude. i'm doing no contact as you all said, i'm not interacting with her and trying to hard to not to read her msgs. she's the one blowing up my phone. i have the right to analyze the situation as it progresses. you can't force a person to feel a certain way about someone he still loves. its my life, but i'm just here to get an outside perspective on this sh*t.
lindsay1990 Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 I haven't seen the poison bit. We support you to go no contact, Jiminy. Just be done with what she's asking and the jacket business and stay away.
Author Jiminy Cricket Posted September 27, 2013 Author Posted September 27, 2013 I agree. Jiminy you should concentrate on why you even want this girl to take you back. In addition, if you say she places the blame on you entirely, she is pulling QUITE the number on you mentally. Because you are are placed in this begging-like position as if you had done the worst thing ever. It would be wise to work on your self-love and as to why you would still want to be with her. believe me i tell myself that. "why do i want her so bad?!" i thinks its because it's my first meaningful relationship. girls that i dated in the past really don't compare to her. i can't lie, she's a dime, well educated, was the prom queen in high school, hangs out with rappers, and is a video vixen. i miss the lifestyle, showing her off to everyone. being proud to be her man. the relationship was amazing, i'm just holding on to something dead.
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 i'm doing no contact as you all said, i'm not interacting with her and trying to hard to not to read her msgs. she's the one blowing up my phone. i have the right to analyze the situation as it progresses. you can't force a person to feel a certain way about someone he still loves. its my life, but i'm just here to get an outside perspective on this sh*t. Yeah and we give it to you and you won't listen so why come on here? Humor? Were not forcing you to feel anyway, just to open up your eyes and realize "love" goes both ways. Its not on her side so why is it on yours? Maybe a journal would be better. Not a tool comment, an actual suggestion.
Author Jiminy Cricket Posted September 27, 2013 Author Posted September 27, 2013 Here you go... or... LS isn't going to be able to help Mr. Cricket. He has more issues than National Geographic and needs PROFESSIONAL HELP. maybe i should put a bullet in my brain.
lindsay1990 Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 Don't victimize yourself, Jiminy. Think of it like this: as long as you were with her she hurt you and abused you. But you have the chance to be away from that now, take that chance. Any more hurt that she puts you through now it's because you are letting her. Don't anymore. Let her find another punching bag. 2
Author Jiminy Cricket Posted September 27, 2013 Author Posted September 27, 2013 Don't victimize yourself, Jiminy. Think of it like this: as long as you were with her she hurt you and abused you. But you have the chance to be away from that now, take that chance. Any more hurt that she puts you through now it's because you are letting her. Don't anymore. Let her find another punching bag. funny you should say that, because she always says "i'm not your punching bag." she got me brainwashed thinking i was the abuser, that i was the worst thing that ever happened to her. she made me feel guilty when she was the one who hurt me. i am using the chance to be away from it, i just need to stop dwelling on the past, and thinking she'll go back to being that person who i once knew.
Author Jiminy Cricket Posted September 27, 2013 Author Posted September 27, 2013 (edited) you all should read this.. i sent it to her after we broke up and all hell broke lose. tell me i'm wrong. 10 Signs Your Girlfriend or Wife is an Emotional Bully | A Shrink for Men Edited September 27, 2013 by Jiminy Cricket
lindsay1990 Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 I know it was wrong for you to send it after you broke up. If people don't care about how they treat when they're with you, if they don't accept responsibility IN the relationship, much less are they going to do it after. You will not agree on what happened with her. She will blame you and you will blame her. Who's right? Who knows. Who's wrong? You, her and the relationship. You need to accept that there is nothing you can say or send that will make her think "gee, you know what, I was pretty unfair to cricket and he is great after all". That's delusional. Even if she does admit her mistakes to herself, she might not want to get into it because THE RELATIONSHIP IS NOT WORTH IT ANYMORE TO HER. that was then. this is now. So what if she was a bully? An abuser? You're not together any more. And you should be focused on building a huge wall between the two of you, unless you are mashochist Jiminy. She is not going to change her mind or her heart.
Author Jiminy Cricket Posted September 27, 2013 Author Posted September 27, 2013 I know it was wrong for you to send it after you broke up. If people don't care about how they treat when they're with you, if they don't accept responsibility IN the relationship, much less are they going to do it after. You will not agree on what happened with her. She will blame you and you will blame her. Who's right? Who knows. Who's wrong? You, her and the relationship. You need to accept that there is nothing you can say or send that will make her think "gee, you know what, I was pretty unfair to cricket and he is great after all". That's delusional. Even if she does admit her mistakes to herself, she might not want to get into it because THE RELATIONSHIP IS NOT WORTH IT ANYMORE TO HER. that was then. this is now. So what if she was a bully? An abuser? You're not together any more. And you should be focused on building a huge wall between the two of you, unless you are mashochist Jiminy. She is not going to change her mind or her heart. even though we're not in a relationship anymore, i'm still getting abused to this day. you should see the texts she sends me. i just wanted her to own up to something at least, everything in that article represents her, and she denies it. i just want her to admit that it wasn't all my fault our relationship failed, so i won't have to live with all this guilt, self hate, and pain.
lindsay1990 Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 All I can say is you gotta start someday and today is as good as any.
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 even though we're not in a relationship anymore, i'm still getting abused to this day. you should see the texts she sends me. i just wanted her to own up to something at least, everything in that article represents her, and she denies it. i just want her to admit that it wasn't all my fault our relationship failed, so i won't have to live with all this guilt, self hate, and pain. In all honesty, who cares what she thinks or wants? She isnt yours anymore nor a part of your life. Closure or whatever comes from within NOT from her. If you feel you didnt do any of that, then you didnt. You dont need validation from a crazy chick to know youre fine. 1
Author Jiminy Cricket Posted September 27, 2013 Author Posted September 27, 2013 What? Jiminy is 40? Shut. Up. I thought I was giving advice to a mid-20s dude. don't believe a word that guy says, i'm 24 years old.
Author Jiminy Cricket Posted September 27, 2013 Author Posted September 27, 2013 In all honesty, who cares what she thinks or wants? She isnt yours anymore nor a part of your life. Closure or whatever comes from within NOT from her. If you feel you didnt do any of that, then you didnt. You dont need validation from a crazy chick to know youre fine. you know what she is crazy. you guys say that, my friends and family say that, but i'm looking at her with rose-colored glasses. she's not willing to admit she's abusive. i feel like sending her that article and again saying, "its best if you stay out of my life forever."
Author Jiminy Cricket Posted September 27, 2013 Author Posted September 27, 2013 Age discrepency or not, he's right. This could be solved by changing your number. If she continues to harrass you, that becomes a matter for the police. So why don't you just do what needs to be done? i blocked her number already, she's blowing me up through imessage though, which is like texting. i need to find a way to block that and email.
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 you know what she is crazy. you guys say that, my friends and family say that, but i'm looking at her with rose-colored glasses. she's not willing to admit she's abusive. i feel like sending her that article and again saying, "its best if you stay out of my life forever." This is so frustrating lol. Again, the part in bold. You WANT to reach out to her because you WANT her to change and you WANT to get back together. All these WANTS wont turn out into ANYTHING. I assure you of this. If you know she is crazy and know she is abusive and know you dont want her in your life, THEN WHY IS THIS STILL AN ISSUE?!?!? The sad reality is you like this in a way because she is still in your life if, at the worst, she is harassing you. You dont seem to care at all. Therefore, that tells me that either you keep holding on to this assassin hope that she is going to change and come back OR you dont like the feeling of being alone/ego so you feel all that will change back if SHE comes back. It wont.
Author Jiminy Cricket Posted September 27, 2013 Author Posted September 27, 2013 Change. Your. Number. What she is doing is harrassment. This is fast becoming a legal issue. wouldn't be the first time she's had legal issues. she got arrested last year, but she never told me why... i found out through her family.
lindsay1990 Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 She never... told.... you... why. the universe might be doing you a favor by keeping this girl away, man. Seriously consider the chance to build yourself up better than ever away from this bad news. I use android, no idea of imessage but cant you somehow delete the app or something? Otherwise, threaten to go to the police. And listen, no matter what you did.... how bad it was in the relationship, if it didn't require police intervention at the moment (say you hit her or something) it's said and done. You don't need to be berated or attacked for it. the consequence is the relationship being over. But you don't deserve the grief of being told constantly what you did wrong over and over again and - you guessed it - neither does she. So stop. 1
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